New Year's Day
There is glitter on the floor after the party.
It’s gotten pretty late, and Remus couldn’t exactly tell you what time it was or anything that happened in the last hour or so of the party. You see, he got pretty sloshed after Sirius was dared to kiss some Gryffindor girl he doesn’t even know the name of (and neither does Sirius, he thought bitterly).
When Barty was dared to kiss Regulus right after (something Crouch was very much in for, much to his own amusement), his eyes traveled to James’ face and saw a bitter grimace ruling the land of the smile that constantly strained the muscles of his usual visage. Their eyes met and they seemed to share this moment silently. It was comforting, in a way. To know that James is experiencing something similar. Or at least that he knows how it feels to fall for one of the Blacks. They had an appeal stronger than the beauty they all seemed to share, dark and majestic in its power and complicated in the most simple way.
When he was younger, Remus sometimes thought that the magic in Sirius’ veins must be different then the one running in his own. Not because he was a pureblood and Remus was not, but in the traces of energy his magic left all around him. It was wintertime, and it was rain, and it was a tongue tied kiss during the moonlight. Always leaving him wanting, pining, for something more. He would feel it, surrounding him whenever Sirius was around, for magic is personal to each wizard and witch who wields it with such grace and strength as Sirius did, he would feel it all around - a buzzing, tickling sensation, almost as addictive as a drug.
As Remus looked around, he saw the cigarette butts laying on the floor and the empty bottles of firewhiskey and butterbeer scattered all over the room. After Christmas, Mary came back with a few beers to share with her friends. Remus, himself, was happy, as he quite liked the bitter taste of them but couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Sirius’ and James’ reaction to the green bottles (“so, if it doesn’t get them drunk, why do muggles drink this thing?”). Sirius had found that he quite liked the taste and James complained profusely regarding the bitter aftertaste left in his mouth.
From afar, Remus could see James saying goodbye to Regulus and his friends. Mostly Regulus, as Dorcas, Pandora, Barty and Evan were already in the hallway, talking amongst themselves and just waiting for the goodbyes to… well, end.
He couldn’t really make out any emotion from Regulus’ face and James’ back was turned to him at the beginning. He noticed now, what he had never quite noticed before, the softness hidden in the way they talked to each other. He couldn’t make out what they were saying from afar, but something about their body language was… well, he just knew. Like the way some things are painfully obvious to some but invisible to others - like the way Sirius likes beer and James really doesn’t. Even in just gazing upon them from afar he felt like he was intruding on a sacred moment shared between two souls.
He couldn’t really explain to you how he knew. He just did. Maybe it was the way James' knees tilted down so that Regulus wouldn’t have to look up when he spoke to him. Or the soft outlines in Regulus' face, his eyes filling with light at the sight of James - almost sparkling - as if he was starstruck, being washed so gently in the sun. Regulus smirked at something James had said and Remus could practically feel James’ pleasure from all the way across the room. He turned to his friends and left, leaving James standing still in the same place and tilting his head down to the floor.
Remus smiled softly to himself.
He looked over at Sirius, who was trying to clean something off the floor with a spell, mumbling it and batting his wand in the air, frustrated at his obvious failure. He seemed so tired of failure that he had given up completely.
Remus was still pissed off. That much was very, very clear to him. Sirius can’t just fuck around with Remus’ feelings like that and expect it to have no consequences.
And yet, every bone in Remus’ body breaks apart at Sirius’ suffering and is broken together when he is happy. He hasn’t seen Sirius in such bad spirits since he left home, and no matter how mad he was - which was so, so much - he could never dare to watch Sirius bleed out like this in front of his eyes and not do anything about it. Even if he wants to heal him just to kill him when he’s better.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked quietly.
Sirius looked up at him from where he was staring at the floor, his wand hanging lazily from his fingers, almost dropping in surprise that Remus noticed him. Remus’ heart clenched at the sight.
“I don’t know, I feel sick. I think I need to…” Sirius mumbled and stopped mid sentence, gripping Remus’ shoulder for support, looking like he was about to get sick all over the common room floor.
“Let’s go to the bathroom. Maybe you should throw up, or something.”
Sirius made a disgusted face but followed with no protest. Remus supported him as they climbed upstairs, slowly so as to not cause Sirius more pain, but faster than they would have gone had Remus not been so utterly furious at him.
Remus opened the bathroom door and Sirius almost immediately crashed onto the floor and leaned against the wall, eyes closing and face sweating.
He still looked so, so beautiful, even with his hair messy from sweat and tears of frustration resting on his cheeks, he was the most beautiful boy Remus had ever seen in his life. He doubted he would ever find someone else, in this world or any other the two of them exist in, as beautiful as Sirius Black looked like in this exact moment.
Sirius's head rushed onto the toilet and he threw up, tears falling down his cheeks as he did so. Remus held back his hair, running his fingers through it to calm him down, whispering - “it’ll be okay, you’ll be just fine.”
After a minute or so he stopped, his head resting on his knees and a shaky breath leaving his mouth.
Remus sat there, silently, watching him.
A little less mad, and maybe - a little bit more in love.
“What do you think is going on with… er, James and Regulus?” Sirius croaks.
“Are you sober enough to have this conversation?”
“Pro’lly not,” Sirius mumbled, the faintest hint of a smile on his face.
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe ask James about it. I’m sure he’ll tell you if you’ll be nice enough about it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be nice about it?” Sirius said softly, voice tired and eyes hazy.
“Well…” Remus started.
“You don’t think it’s weird - James and Regulus, my best friend and my baby brother?” Sirius said, sounding almost disgusted at the thought.
“You know what? I really don’t. Maybe you’re the one who needs to get his head out of his fucking ass and stop being a prick about everything that even remotely suggests that…” and then, Remus said something that he’s probably going to regret for the rest of his life, because he has the world’s hottest temper and he really knows how to make it hurt when he wants to. “You know, for someone who hates his mother as much as you do, you sure can act like her sometimes.”
Sirius’ face fell slack.
Blank.
But his eyes carried a storm within them.
“I’m sorry, I- I can’t be here. I need to leave. I’m sorry,” Remus mumbled and got up to leave.
And then, a whisper - “don’t leave, Remus.”
“But…”
“Please, just stay with me. You can keep scolding me if you want, just… don’t leave, okay?” he whispered, his eyes met Remus’ and the hint of shore gazed upon him from the edge of the storm.
“Okay,” Remus said quietly, retreating to the floor, “I’ll stay.”
They sat silently for some time, Remus staring blankly at his knees and doing the best he could not to look at Sirius.
The muffled noise came before any words did, and Remus knew Sirius was crying. He tried his best to choke the sound of it, but he has been crying for some time now, because his cheeks were red and he started wiping the tears away with his hand.
“Hey, Sirius - don’t cry,” Remus tried and moved to sit closer to him. He never knew what to say when people started crying in front of him. Was there ever anything right to say?
When they were younger, and Sirius would come crying to him about his mother - which happened very rarely, as he never did like having her brought up but was sometimes flooded with the tragedy of it all that he wouldn’t stop crying for hours. He would sometimes imagine that when he heard her voice when she was nowhere to be seen, or even simply, painfully so - missed her. And isn’t it just terrible to miss someone who relishes in the sight of your pain and would cease at nothing short of a quiet death to inflict it upon you? And isn’t it even more horrible when the same person who created you, once proud as she had been when her heir was born, is the one who does so? Remus couldn’t just tap his shoulder and say, “Hey, everything will be okay.”
Because everything wasn’t going to be okay. Some people never change, and Sirius’ mother will never be the mother he needed her to be. Maybe she was never meant to be a mother, only forced to be one to produce an heir. But nothing could change that. So lying just seemed… wrong. Maybe that’s why Sirius only went to Remus about this. Because he knew he would never lie to him.
“Fuck,” Sirius mumbled, more tears dropping down his face, seemingly not able to stop. Remus laid his hand on Sirius’ back, which immediately caused Sirius to look up to him and look him in the eyes.
He had this googly expression in his eyes and the tears seemed to freeze in their place as Sirius looked at him, silently studying his face. His eyes dropped to his nose, and then his lips, and before he could feel it, Remus knew it was coming.
The kiss.
It’s not like the one they had shared the other night. It’s different, the air around them so sad that Remus thinks he can actually taste the melancholy in Sirius’ mouth. Sirius keeps crying, tears falling down to their joined lips as he puts his hand on Remus’ hair, trying to keep him close - as if he was asking, pleading Remus not to go.
Before he knew it, tears started dropping from his own eyes, mingling with Sirius’ own. And then, Sirius made the kiss deeper, sobbing into his mouth, tears choking him as he - no, no, no, no. No, Remus thought as he broke apart, he can’t do this to me.
Sirius’ lips were swollen and wet and his eyes were wide as he opened them to look at Remus. His chin almost followed Remus’ as he broke apart, clingling, begging to be united again.
“No, you can’t do this to me.”
“Remus, I - “
“NO. Stop. Just, shut up - okay? Shut up.”
So Sirius did.
Remus kept crying and put his hand on his mouth to stop the harrowing sobs that came through it. Oh, god - oh, no, no, no. How could he do this to me?
“What do you even want from me, Sirius?” he whispered - the greatest question of all the ones he’d ever asked. “Do you even know?”
The silence following sounded like drums to his ears.
He looked at Sirius, who seemed to have a lot going on in his head. Remus could almost see the trails of thought being lost on him, and wanted to pry his mouth open just to ask him again, and again and again - what is it that you want from me? What more can I give you?
“I hate you, you know,” he whispered.
He didn’t even know the words were about to come out of his mouth until they did.
“I know,” Sirius whispered back to him.
Remus took all the strength left in him and got up. The door shut loudly behind him as he walked to his bed, shutting the drapes and falling on the soft slit of the most comfortable bed he had ever slept in his entire life, only now it felt like hard, cold stones.
He continued to weep until his eyes shut and he drifted to a dreamless sleep.
★
James has been trying to find Regulus all morning.
After saying goodbye to him at the door, he stayed there for a while. He doesn’t know how much time passed, but when he turned around Sirius and Remus had disappeared and he could only assume that they had gone upstairs.
Dreaming and pining, he went up the stairs, reminiscing the last time he did so on this night.
When he opened the door, he could tell Remus and Sirius were here already, from the sound of the two of them bickering in the bathroom. He couldn’t really hear the words, nor did he wish to pry on what wasn’t his own, but the muffled sounds of cries that came out really made him want to know what was going on in there.
Still a bit drunk - the post drunk kind of drunk, where you try to make sense of everything that happened to you and go red when remembering the embarrassing things you’ve said - and tired, he stumbled to his bed and closed the drapes. He didn’t want them to think he was listening when they came out. Whenever that would be. Their fights tended to be brutal, going on for hours on end sometimes and leaving the both of them wrecked until they made up.
The bedsheets were more comfortable than they had ever been and James smiled at the thought of Regulus sleeping soundly right now, wondering what he was like when he was sleeping. Was he peaceful? At last not letting himself hold back? Or was he vengeful, like his brother, stealing the blanket from him or waking up, sweating profusely and crying from a nightmare?
Maybe he’ll know one day.
James turned in his bed and tried to make sense of all of the stuff Regulus said when he was here,all of which were very confusing to him.
Okay, so - it was Regulus who made the first move and asked James to kiss him. Rather aggressively, which was definitely doing something for James there. That’s a good thing, right?
And then, after the whole… well, you know - he said this one thing that really stuck with James and has been bothering him ever since. When James tried to invite him to come with him to Hogsmeade, Regulus put his hand on his mouth and asked him not to do it today. He had a crippling feeling that Regulus did so out of different reasons entirely, because obviously he could not have known that James was going to ask him. He’s not a mind reader, even though sometimes James really thinks he is.
So, what was it? Was it something James said or did? Did Regulus feel like he didn’t like him very much, or something? He didn’t know. In the back of his mind, a voice says, nagging him - maybe it’s because of Sirius. You know, his brother and your best friend. Trying to ignore it, he dismissed it quickly, since Regulus seemed to have no problem sticking his tongue down James’ throat, just the part that comes after that. The talking part. The - “I like you, and I might even-“
The Sirius thing was really bothering him. To an outsider, it might have seemed like he didn’t really care, but believe him when he says he really, really does. He just doesn’t really know what to do. He really does like Regulus, and it’s the first time he’s ever felt like this for anyone. Like his heart is jumping out of his chest whenever Regulus looks at him. Like he might actually fucking kill Barty Crouch for ever being with him. The thing was, he isn’t really the jealous type with most people. Just the people he really, really loves - like Sirius - which is the only person who made him feel like he does now (in an entirely different way, but still) - so that must mean something. It really is something.
James has never really been able to lie to himself. Deep down, even when he really wants to think otherwise, he knows. Just like he knew when he thought he was in love with Lily that it wasn’t really what he claimed it to be, and that a part of it was simply performative. He always wanted people to like him, and back then - she didn’t. He never really imagined himself being with her. Not the way he imagines himself with Regulus now.
So he knows. He knows what this thing with Regulus is, but he dares not say it, or even think it before he sees him again. He’s careful, tiptoeing around the idea of being so in love. Because if he really starts thinking about it, he fears he’ll never stop.
So Sirius is pushed to the back of his mind until he can find Regulus again tomorrow. Which will be hard, since he’s always with his friends.
That is, until he remembered he had the map. Idiot.
He checked it and smiled when he saw Regulus in his dorms, not moving, so he was probably sleeping. He’ll check tomorrow and talk to him, he promises to himself before falling asleep with the map in his hand and a smile on his face.
At night, he dreams of black curls and mischievous smiles.
Breakfast in the great hall is kind of… funny. Well, for some more than most. James has never really been a big hangover kind of guy (“hangover free since 73’”, he would always state proudly), so the morning after drinking he would wake up still a bit drunk. It would just wear off during the day, much to Sirius’ dismay, who always complained very dramatically about his hangovers.
James looked around him excitedly, looking for Regulus, but he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t sitting at the Slytherin table, which housed only two of the members of his friend group - Evan and Dorcas, who spoke amongst themselves about something that James could tell was pretty important.
Next to him, Sirius sat with a flat face and played with the food on his plate. To anyone else at the table, he would look completely normal, but not to James, who was the only one who really knew how to read him.
He had been crying. Not right now, or a few minutes ago, but he had been crying. James could tell by his wet lashes and the hollow look in his eyes. He got it only in certain, very delicate situations, almost always relating to his family. It had been the only look he was wearing for weeks after leaving his house and moving to James’.
James knew why, but he never really liked to think about it. He knew that in some very, very fucked up way in Walburga’s mind, she loved him. She had been proud of him, once. Her heir. Her first son.
Sirius never liked talking about it with him. Maybe he did with Remus, but James almost never knew anything about it. It was as if Sirius was too afraid to admit it to himself, because if his mother truly had loved him once, how could she do this?
The only other thing that made him come to this state was Remus. James never really understood it until he saw Sirius staring at him after he kissed Remus on a dare when they were fourteen. It obviously meant nothing to either of them - just a part of a game. But by the look on Sirius’ face, you could think he was stabbed in his chest.
James didn’t think it was jealousy. He never did, with Sirius.
But it was something.
Sirius looked as if someone had ripped open his chest and left his soul bare. He had gone up to their room, several moments later, mumbling some lame excuse no one thought was remotely true. You see, Sirius was a very bad liar when it came to lying to those important to him. He remembered seeing the look on Remus’ face as he stared at the empty seat Sirius left behind him.
It was familiar. Sirius was wearing the exact same one.
Later that night, when everyone was still playing and drinking downstairs, James had gone up the stairs to check on Sirius, who never got back down. The muffled sound of a cry carried itself gently from Sirius’ bed, and something instantly clicked in James’ head. Oh, he thought softly, I’m so sorry, Sirius. He never said a thing, just sat there quietly and ran his hand through Sirius’ hair until he had asked him quietly to leave. There was no helping Sirius when he got like this, he just needed to be by himself. Or with Remus.
From across the table, Remus was sitting, his face more rough than it was in that old memory, and James guessed, sadly, that he just learned to hide his feelings for Sirius better after all this time. Which was sad to see, because the only people who didn’t know Sirius and Remus were so hopelessly in love with each other, were Sirius and Remus.
James took one bite of his toast and got up. His friends stayed still and he sighed to see that they were doing anything they could to not look at each other, which meant not looking at him - because what if their looks met after they’ve dropped their eyes from James? surely that would be the end of the world.
He walked to the Slytherin table, Evan looking at him, confused, as he did. When he got there both of their looks were on him.
“Hey, you wouldn’t know where Regulus is, by chance?” he asked, smiling, a bit nervously.
They shared a look.
“He’s… occupied,” Dorcas said.
“Oh, it’s nothing too serious, I just wanted to ask him something.”
“Well, you can’t,” Evan cut in.
Did James do something wrong last night? Did he say something bad?
“Er, can you tell him I looked for him, when he’ll be… available?” James said, now only directing his question to Dorcas, as Evan was kind of glaring at him.
“Sure, Potter. I’ll tell him,” she said.
“Thanks, Meadowes,” he said and smiled the faintest of his smiles at her.
Something was wrong.
Well, he could always check the map to see where Regulus is. He doesn’t have to look through the entire castle. You’d be very surprised to hear how often he forgets that he has the power to know where everyone is at all times. It’s cool for pranks and Marauders stuff, but otherwise it never really crosses his mind.
When James went to the room, the map was still lying on his nightstand where he had last put it. He opened it and searched quickly with his eyes, until he saw him.
Regulus Black.
He was pacing in an empty hall not too far away from the Gryffindor dorms.
And then, the weirdest thing happened. He just… disappeared. Dead in his tracks, his name disappeared from the map as if it had never existed.
James almost didn’t notice when his feet lifted off the ground and started walking him to that same hallway. It wasn’t a long walk, maybe two minutes, but James could have sworn he got there in a second.
When he turned the corner to the hallway, he saw nothing.
Genuinely nothing. There were no students in the hall, and no sign of Regulus.
James started pacing in his place, thinking about what he should do. Maybe he should just give up and try later, he thought, as he leaned onto the wall. But he really needed to see Regulus for himself. To make sure he was fine.
As the thought formed in his head, the wall behind him turned into something different than the old stone, and for a minute there James could have sworn that he was-
Oh, nevermind.
He was falling.
As he picked his glasses up from the floor and put them to his eyes, he noticed that he was in a room that he was sure he had never been in before.
It was black and green in color and various paintings were hanging on the walls, not moving, so they must be muggle. On one wall, the only white one in the room, a pink note was hanging. Odd. He could have sworn he’d seen it somewhere before.
“Potter? What the fuck?”
Oh.
Regulus is here.
James turned around.
“Hi.”
“...Hi.”
“Weird room.”
“Yeah, I… wait, how did you get in here?” Regulus asked, confused.
“I was looking for you, actually. I was kind of thinking of giving up but then this door appeared out of nowhere and I kind of just…”
“fell in,” Regulus completed. His mouth twitched.
“Well, no way to sugarcoat it. Yes, I fell in,” he replied, flush creeping up his neck.
James looked around him again. Regulus didn’t look as wonderstruck as he did, which means he’s probably been here before. He was sitting comfortably on the bed, covered in sheets and a book laying beside him.
“What is this room?” James asked.
“I found it in my second year. It’s called the come and go room. Basically, if you really need something, this room will provide it for you. It changes itself according to what you need from it. And no one else can come in, usually, but I guess we were both, er, looking for the same thing.”
“Wicked! So, if you really need a bathroom this room will just… turn into one for you?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
Silence stood between them and James’ heart was beating fast.
“So, what’s with the note?” he asked and pointed to it.
“Don’t know. I think I wasn’t the first person to find this exact variation of the room, so I guess someone else left it here before me.”
“I wonder who they were,” James murmured.
“Why are you here?”
“I just wanted to see you.”
“And here I am, in all my glory.”
“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?”
“I’m fine.”
“I was just… worried, this morning. When you weren't at breakfast. You just always sit with your friends, so-”
“You’ve noticed?” Regulus asked. He sounded genuinely surprised. Like the mere idea is ridiculous to him.
“Of course. I always notice you.”
“Oh,” he muses softly. Almost inaudible.
“Hogsmeade is this weekend, you know,” he swallowed.
“Pristine observation, Potter,” Regulus said.
“I don’t know if you’ve got any plans with your friends, or… someone else, I guess, but if you don’t I’d love it if you’d want to come with me.”
“Why?” Regulus asks him.
“I just want to spend some time with you. Get to know you better.” Regulus stared at him.
“You could go with your friends, though,” Regulus stated, still looking really fucking confused. Suspicious, even.
“I could, yeah, but I want to go with you.”
“Why? All I ever do is be mean to you.”
James shrugged. “I don’t mind. It’s - well, it’s, er, nice.”
“Nice?” Regulus smirked.
“Yeah. You could say anything to me.” It came out quiet. Like a secret.
Fuck, he really didn’t want to say it like that.
Regulus looked… delighted? by this new information. James couldn’t really tell what was going through his mind, but it looked… interesting. Almost filthy.
James cleared his throat, trying to rid his face of flush.
“I’ll go with you,” Regulus said and his lips twitched.
“Really?”
“Yes, Potter. ”
“Will you ever stop calling me that?”
“Never,” Regulus said and smiled a smile that made James' heart spike. He got up from his seat in the bed and picked up his book. It looked just like the book Remus was reading a while ago.
He went to the door and right before he pulled the handle he turned to James and said,“pick me up at nine thirty.”