they are back again.
the voices. echoing in my head. everywhere i go. no matter how hard i tell them to go away, they keep following me. every second. every minuts. every hour. of everyday.
they hate you
they wouldnt notice if you left
just disappear already
no one will care
so, instead of listening to them, i trick myself.
the voices arent there.
im going crazy.
they are fake.
and for awhile it worked.
i plastered a smile on my face and distracted myself with other people problems.
sirius ran away from home? comfort him. tell him they wont hurt him as long as hes with me.
remus’ dad is an asshole? come spend the night. its fine really. let him cry in my arms. give him some chocolate. problem solved.
peter has no friends and is getting left out? hes worth more then he knows. people are missing out on him. put in a good word about him. boom! has friends.
lily’s sister and her husband are bitches? ignore them. they are just jealous. you have been nothing but nice to them. their loss, not yours. shes happy again.
anytime someone needs help, i am there. i cant let them feel the way i feel.
it worked.
until it didnt.
it all came crashing down on my 17th birthday.
birthday party. cake. games. presents.
moony got me and him matching jellycats.
siri got me a necklace.
pete got me some socks.
reg got me a book.
marlene.
sweet old marlene.
she got me a mixtape.
songs that remind me of you
i was so happy.
someone thought of me enough to make a whole mixtape.
it was amazing.
until it wasnt
5th track
white ferrari - frank ocean
dont get me wrong, its a beautiful song.
but this one lyric threw me off.
“You were fine
You were fine here”
fine?
were?
its not that big of a deal.
really its fine.
the rest of the song is beautiful. we’ve been friends since childhood. its about our time together, obviously.
if so, then why cant i stop thinking about it?
maybe i care to much. im the problem. its fine.
lately ive been not sleeping.
i stay up until sunrise.
usually im just staring at the shine of my phone. sometimes im contemplating if i should send that text. or make that video. or post that story.
other times its the shine of a different object im staring at.
the shine of the razor.
sometimes ill dig it into my skin a little. the pain helps the voices go away.
sometimes it makes it even worse.
unloved .
one cut
annoying.
two cuts
burden.
three cuts
no one can ever know about this. my problems arent big enough. besides, they have other things to worry about. things that actually matter.
one day
i want someone to love me the way i love others.
maybe one day i can achieve that goal.
until then all i can do is wait.
theres a coffee shop i go to every week. i go adleast 4 times.
its called the three broomsticks. remus used to work there, but he got fired.
i order a hot chocolate everytime. if i end up staying longer ill get some coffee. i will sometimes get a croissant on the side aswell.
ive picked up a strange habit of writing. i have a red notebook.
no one will ever read it as long as im alive.
the contents span from my feelings, to my friends, to random comics.
i like making people happy.
especially when i know their life is shit.
remus told me about the other workers.
there's emmeline, who i got to school with. she doesn't know me, but i know her. i know she likes orange flavored lotion. i know that she hates her job. i know that she wants a pet owl. i know that she reads, but would never admit to it.
then theres grant. he grew up in the same neighborhood as remus. siri was jealous of him for quite awhile before him and remus got together. hes a good guy. a little shy. makes a mad coffee. likes sad music bad would never admit to it.
whenever i leave i give them a tip.
sometimes ill write thank you notes or comics and leave them for grant and emmeline.
i like to make their sad days a little better.
whenever i get into my car i watch them smile and fight over who gets what.
sometimes ill even make two so that they each get one.
they never mention it.
theres a cliff near my house. i bike to it a lot.
ive been talking down on myself a lot recently. i try to take my own advice but as remus says, “never smoke your own supply,” so, i dont.
my life is shit because i deserve it. right?
why else would i feel like this?
i dont deserve my friends.
im just an asshole in disguise.
im used to the oerwelming sadness at this point.
its nearly mpossible for me to cry.
im not weak.
i am starting to distance myself from my friends.
the thought came to me on one of those nights. i couldnt sleep again. i was thinking of anything i could do to make my friends happier and then it came to me.
i should just die.
obviously ive thought of it before. but never like this.
they would miss me right..? right??
they shouldnt. it might make it worse.
then i thought of something.
i thought to distance myself. maybe if i disappear right now, it wouldnt be as bad. i would actually have something to be sad about.
perfect idea.
they never came to see me. this was my plan all along. why do i care so much then?
no texts.
no calls.
no knocks on my door.
i can hear them downstairs.
i hear them in siri’s room.
not one mention of me
who cares?
i used to have lots of fun.
playing rugby. drawing. writing. making music. making my friends laugh.
now i just lay down.
its like i want to be fun and do things i love. but somethings stopping me.
i feel numb.
i left my room for the first time in a week.
my friends were all hanging out in the living room.
they were so focused on a topic that no one noticed me.
it felt like i was watching the world from above.
i wasnt even in my body. nothing was real.
it was like i was in the backseat of my own mind.
i didnt fight it.
in some odd way, it felt good.
ive found a new way to distract myself. cutting myself hasnt been working. im also just to lazy sometimes.
remus left his rum.
he promised siri he stopped.
but i found it.
i tried it.
and it helped. i got distracted.
shot after shot. burning. buzzing. nothing.
i was at such a low point. nothing could help. they started to notice. my friends. my parents.
it was to late.
i wasnt getting better.
some might say i was adapting to the loneliness.
i tamed the voices. i became friends with them.
it wasnt ever getting better.
i was already dead inside.
thats how to never stop being sad.