Regulus woke up because someone was shaking his body softly. His eyes needed a few seconds to adjust to the dark room, but he immediately saw Evan sitting on his side. "What is it?" he asked while turning the light on. When he could see Evan better he knew something was off. His eyes were red, and he had signs of tears on his cheeks. "What is it, Ev?" he asked again because Evan was not answering.
"Something happened" his voice sounded off too, tiny and rusty. Regulus sat on the bed while feeling his heart tight on his chest, bumping hard and fast with fear. "Reg...something happened"
"What?" Regulus' voice sounded shaky and a little distant in his own ears. Evan in front of him used one of his hands to touch his hair in a sign of nervousness and looked him in the eye, he had glassy eyes and it took only one second to start tearing up again.
"Barty killed himself" The words felt like cold hands gripping his heart and tugging his body underwater. He felt like drowning on land, with his lungs not filling with air, and his heart screaming to stop beating. It felt like a punch, stealing all the oxygen in his body and tightening his brain on his head, muffling the scream he couldn't hold inside. It hurt like a dagger making his way in and out of his chest, twisting and twisting only to make him suffer.
When he could hear again, he was vomiting on the snow, he had no idea how he got outside of his room, or the building. Evan was combing his hair, sobbing and holding his body hard, and Regulus didn't know which one of them was shaking, nor did he know if it was because of the pain, or the cold.
••••
"Reg..." Sirius spoke. He could feel him breathing awkwardly behind him. Regulus didn't want to turn around to see him, so he closed his eyes and held his breath. "Do you want to come home with me?"
"I want Barty" He didn't recognise his own voice, it sounded raugh and tiny at the same time. He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken. He felt in limbo, with too much silence muffling his head, but too much noise suffocating him at the same time. He didn't have the strength to move his body and the only thought about doing it hurt like fire burning his skin.
"I know" Sirius didn't know, he couldn't know. The hurt he felt, the lonely sentiment of not living in a world with Barty's voice, Barty's touch, Barty's soft breath. Regulus felt like dying.
"I can't remember his voice" His hands were shaking against his face and the sobs that fought to get out of his body felt like broken glass punching his muscles and making him bleed. Sirius was over him in a second, stroking his back and caressing his hair like when they were children. Regulus felt like a child.
"Let me take you home, Reg, please..." Regulus cried harder, hot salty tears burning his cheeks and entering his mouth. He was trying to remember the sound, the last words they spoke, the last time they kissed and held hands and touched each other, but everything was blank. His mind felt like a black abysm of nothing.
"I can't move, it hurts, please" His heart was aching, bumping so fast and so hard he was sure it was going to burst. He wanted it to burst.
••••
"You're a shy one, aren't you?" Regulus blushed and frowned embarrassed. Evan laughed while drinking his tea and Regulus hid his face in his chemistry book once again.
"You're annoying him, Crouch" Evan said.
"I'm just interested in knowing him better. Are you annoyed Reginald?" Regulus frowned harder and looked to Crouch's direction sending him a sharp and cold glaze to intimidate him.
"My name is Regulus Black, say it right or don't address me at all" Crouch laughed at his reaction, but Regulus didn't back up with the angry face.
"The kitten has claws, don't you think Rosier?"
"He is going to eat you alive"
••••
The tears never stopped. Regulus didn't know anyone in that church except for Evan, Evan's sister Pandora and Sirius, who was there for him. He asked himself if Barty knew that many people or if it was only his Father's people there to say goodbye without feeling anything. He knew who his parents were and he could almost feel his mother's pain.
He recognised her immediately because Barty had the same hair, and the same eyes and when he saw her put a tiny smile to the Pastor's words, he knew Barty had gotten his smile from her. She looked devastated at her husband's side. Barty's Father had a straight face and never cried during the funeral.
The tears kept falling.
Barty was buried on a sunny cold day. It wasn't raining, and it wasn't even windy. Regulus held Evan's arm tight and sobbed biting his inner cheek till it bled. He still couldn't remember Barty's voice, and the moment the first bit of dirt hit the coffin Regulus felt his heart explode inside of his chest. He lost his breath and his lungs burned and burned and burned till he couldn't hold the sobs anymore.
Evan held him tight to his chest and he felt him crying on his hair, grabbing his back with force and buring his nails on his clothes.
Barty Barty Barty. His mind screamed. No one answered.
When everyone was leaving he couldn't move. He felt frozen in his place, shaking and breathing cold and deadly air that made his body hurt. He looked at Barty's mom, kneeling alongside his son's stone, caressing it like it was a child.
"I'm sorry for your loss" He whispered when she stood up. She looked at him when he spoke and sobbed silently. "My name is Regulus...I was Barty's friend. I am so sorry for your loss"
Barty's mom walked to him because he still couldn't move, and took both of his hands between hers. Her hands were warmed like Barty's. "I know who you are...Barty spoke a lot about you in his letters"
"Oh...did he?" His broken and bleeding heart felt warm.
"You truly are beautiful Regulus. I am too sorry for your loss"
••••
"Tell me again why are we doing this stupid thing Professor Slughorn told us about" Regulus was cold and shaking while walking through the forest and being careful where he was stepping on.
"Because is fun Reggie, don't be a joy killer" Barty put his arm around his neck and shook him a little. Regulus didn't laugh but smirked at the contact. Evan stopped for a second to light a cigarette and then kept going.
"How much do we need to walk?"
"Just a little"
When they arrived at the small cave hidden in the forest that used to hold Dead Poet Society meetings Slughorn told them about, Barty took a blanket and a book from his backpack. He put the blanket around Regulus' shoulders and softly smacked his arm.
"There you go pretty boy" Regulus blushed and hoped his red ears and warm cheeks couldn't be seen in the dark.
"Let's do this" Evan tried to use his lighter to form a small fire in the middle of the cave and the three of them sat around it.
Barty opened the book and using Evan's lighter to illuminate the first page started to read.
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life!" Barty made a pause and held his breath and Regulus had the feeling that he was feeling the words "To put to rout all that was not life...And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
••••
The snow didn't shine like it had before everything happened. Regulus sat every day at his brother's guest room window and looked at it. He felt dead and bland and like the snow waiting to melt. His hands were always cold and he was sure they would never be warmed again because Barty's weren't there to hold them.
He knew Sirius was worried and he knew he was losing school, and his bright and everything but he couldn't move to live. He still couldn't remember his voice and every day, every night, every moment crabed for Barty's touch and wished to be held by him.
"Someone is here to see you" Sirius was at work, so Remus, his brother's boyfriend, knocked his door and spoke softly to him. They treated him like a broken glass, and he felt like one too.
"Who?"
"A woman"
Barty's mom was better than the last time he saw her, at the funeral, but she still looked tired and had big eyebags under her hazel eyes. Barty's eyes.
"Hi," He said in a whisper. She looked at him a smiled motherly. Regulus felt his tears appearing in a second. "Can I do something for you, Mrs. Crouch?"
"Call me Helen"
"Helen"
"I have something for you," She took from the ground a box full of things. Regulus took it in his hands helping her to get reed of the wight and sobbed when he felt the smell. "my husband, Barty's dad, he says it's not healthy to keep everything that was his...but I'm not ready to throw away the rest, so I thought you could have it."
Regulus put the box on the table and took the sweater that was on top of everything. He recognised it and held it to his face to smell it. It smelled like Barty, like his soap, his shampoo and his cologne. Regulus could he his own tears disappear on the fabric.
"I have more of those, I can bring them to you...not every sweater, but a few."
He found himself nodding and taking a step forward to hug her tightly, sobbing silently. Mrs Crouch hugged him without saying anything and caressed his hair like Barty used to do.
"Thank you"
"No, thank you, for loving my son."
••••
<< when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. >>
Barty kissed him on the cave the night Evan got sick and couldn't go. "We can go alone" he said at dinner, and Regulus agreed because it was Barty.
The night was a little windy and they didn't rush to get to the cave. Barty walked laughing and talking to the moon. Reciting poems made by heart and the ones Slughorn had mentioned in class.
"You're crazy" Regulus whispered to the wind seeing Barty smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Regulus liked poetry, he liked writing it, and reading it in secret, not thinking about his family, or his issues, or his broken dreams. Barty had broken dreams too.
"I'm an interpreter"
"Of poetry?"
"Of everything"
Barty took his hand while entering the cave and they lit the fire using Evan's stolen lighter. It was cold, but they had the dirty blanket and were sitting shoulder by shoulder and almost touching their hands while holding a stolen Poetry book.
"Choose a poem, Reg"
"Broken Dreams" He read without shouting like Barty always did. It felt intimate and safe. "You tell me to give up on my dreams. Say it's a waste of time, tell me to study. You push me down extinguishing this flame of creativity" Regulus stopped to breathe without finishing the first strophe because it felt personal. Barty pressed harder against his shoulder. "Trying to fit me in your black-and-white society. Brainwashing me into following the crowd. And I do it 'cause that's what makes you proud" It felt like him and his Father. He could feel Barty's gaze on his face, so he swallowed and continued. "So tell me how to be myself. When you've taken everything I love. And trapped me in this box for your own selfish fun."
When Regulus finished the poem no one said anything. Even the fire felt like shouting down and for a moment he thought it really was going to die. He felt anxious guilt numbing his fingers and swallowed nervous of a bad reaction.
"I didn't want to ruin the mood, I'm sorry I chose something so sad."
"Can I kiss you?"
The question felt like fire on his skin. He felt the violent blush warming his body and a sigh escaped his body hitting Barty's face.
"Yes"
The kiss felt like a dream. At first, it was tiny, a touch of lips, but then Barty caressed his warm cheeks with one hand and the other firmly held his waist. Regulus had never kissed someone, so he chose to hold Barty's arms nervously while humming against soft lips. With a little passion Regulus boldly touched Barty's lower lip with his tongue and the kiss entered a hot and wet facade that stole his breath.
"I like you," Barty said when they both let go of each other. "Please read me more poems."
••••
The box was Barty. A few of his literature books, and his poetry books. His walkman and a few travel diaries. A little box of wood with all the letters Regulus gave him while they were at school, notes and little drawings he used to have between the pages. It had a few sweaters, a few T-shirts, his Polaroids and a photo album.
Regulus spent the entire afternoon after Mrs Crouch left sitting in his brother's guest bedroom window smelling the first sweater he took. He didn't cry, he didn't speak, he just drowned in Barty's smell like it was a drug created to survive.
When he was going through the books, one of them took his attention because it had photos and notes between the pages that made the book a little thicker. When he opened it, a photo fell down from the first page and he held his breath when he saw it was from both of them. He remembered that day when they were napping on the field and Evan took the photo. The first page had a dedication.
To my dear Regulus, Reginald, Reggie. The kitten with claws. Regulus, this is my last poetry book for you, I'm sorry I will make you miss me, and thank you for being in my life. Now that I am at the end of my life, I discover that thanks to your love, I lived. In these pages, you will find my tears, my words, my drawings, and my love. I give you my heart. I love you, Regulus. I love you.
Barty's signature was smudged with dried tears that quickly got wet thanks to his own tears. Regulus sobbed reading and reading and reading the dedication over and over and over. The book felt heavy in his hands, like his heart on his chest.