He's In The Room
Spring breaks loose, but so does fear
He's gonna burn this house to the ground
Late September, 1976
Regulus hates to admit it to himself, but he’s having a rather good time getting to know James Potter.
He's not surprised by it, really. Just annoyed that he really is as kind and funny as people say. As perfect as Sirius always made him out to be.
When Regulus was first informed by Professor Slughorn that he was being paired with James, he had been somewhat put out. He appreciated the Potter’s hospitality, but he didn't want to get any closer, owe them anything else.
He doesn't necessarily owe James anything just because they're partners for rounds, but it does cause some complications in the whole not getting closer plan Regulus had.
He had tried, at first, to just ignore him during rounds. Sometimes he tried to be a little bit mean. Anything that would ensure James didn't like him very much. The thing about that though, is that James is impossible to ignore. He fills up every single room he steps into without even trying. Even worse, he never gets mad. At least, he hasn't gotten mad at Regulus.
So, at some point during their first couple of weeks doing rounds together, Regulus had resigned himself to his fate. Besides, it gets rather boring walking around in silence for three hours while patrolling the halls.
He knew it was bad when he started to think about things he wanted to tell James. Like when Barty cursed Snape’s hair to be tentacles instead of strands. The first thing he thought, as he watched was, James is going to love this.
And James did. He laughed so hard he cried as Regulus told the story, saying he needed to shake Barty’s hand the next time he saw him, and Regulus felt his breath catch as he imagined Barty and James laughing together. James hanging out with him and his friends.
So, Regulus looks forward to his scheduled time with James each week. It doesn't make things any easier for him, but he's come to realize he doesn't mind all that much. He can't help but like James, and each time he spends time with him, he likes him at least a little bit more. Regulus can’t bring himself to say that out loud, though. He keeps it in, like that’ll make it less real. Which in a way it does, because he knows that if he speaks it into existence he can’t take it back. No, he’d never be able to take it back after that.
It’s Wednesday night now, or Thursday morning- technically, and Regulus is lying in his bed, wide awake.
His prefect rounds with James usually include some kind of fleeting moment between the two of them that causes his breath to catch or his heart to skip a beat. But tonight… Tonight was more than fleeting. Or maybe it was the most fleeting moment of all.
James had been looking into his eyes and down at his mouth with such an earnest sense of reverence that Regulus could have sworn something was going to happen. He wanted something to happen. Something had passed between them in those moments just after Regulus had shown him his star. It felt like a flame was being lit as James looked at him, but then it was snuffed out just as quickly. Reality quickly bringing them both back down to earth.
To make it all the worse, that reality just happened to be the giant fucking squid. Talk about a cock-block, why don't you.
Regulus sighs and closes his eyes, running a hand over his face. What is he thinking, anyway? This is James Potter, Gryffindor golden boy and one of the most popular people in all of Hogwarts, after Sirius. Why would he have any interest in Regulus? He’s been in love with Lily Evans for as long as Regulus has known him. Sirius had even mentioned James’ infatuation with her in one of his first letters to Regulus at the start of his first year at Hogwarts. He’s never known James, or the idea of him, without Lily coming along like some kind of package deal he never asked for.
There’s also the other part of that, which is the fact that for all intents and purposes, James Potter is as straight as a board. Even if he wasn't, Regulus thinks, it probably wouldn’t matter. James is the sole heir to a prominent wizarding family, and even if the Potters aren’t as prejudiced as his own family, he doubts they’d be okay with their only son being gay.
But… Regulus has always been observant, and he’s always been able to pick up on things before the others around him. He knows how James was looking at him tonight, and he knows that James leaned in towards him. That he had looked at least a little bit disappointed after he realized the interruption was only the giant squid. That being said, he didn’t try anything again, but he also didn’t run off or curse Regulus after what happened. Regulus doesn’t know what any of it means and he isn’t getting any closer to realizing it by doing laps in his own head like this.
You could ask Pandora to look , a part of himself that he can’t control says.
He shakes his head in response to himself. He knows that even if he did ask Pandora, she wouldn’t look. She has a certain moral code about these things, and as she constantly reminds Barty, she’s not some kind of fortune teller. Her premonitions don’t come on demand.
But… Regulus thinks again, She was the one who brought James up first back on the first day of term. Pandora might not like to tell people about their futures, but she also can’t keep a secret. If she had gone this long without confessing that something was going to happen between James and him, Regulus would be seriously surprised. And mildly impressed.
Maybe he’ll broach the subject. Not outright ask her to look, but bring up James in some way. Pandora has always been eager to please Regulus, especially after what happened this summer. She’s also the only one who knows about his feelings for James. Well, Barty and Evan do too, but they’ve never brought it up to him again. He doesn’t think they mind that he’s the way he is, they just don’t really know how to talk about it. They’re not the greatest with feelings and because of the whole social pariah aspect of being gay in 1975, it's a topic that usually feels heavy. Even if all he’s doing is drunkenly admitting that he can’t stop thinking about the way James Potter looks in his quidditch kit, thighs gripping his broom. Regulus groans audibly. He does not need to think about that right now.
He pulls up his duvet, and closes his eyes. Go to sleep , he wills himself.
-
Friday rolls around and Regulus is sitting in his last class of the day, staring idly out the window while Professor Binns drones on about goblin rebellions when he receives a summons to see Dumbledore that night.
The door to the classroom bangs open, but Professor Binns doesn’t even look up, just continues with his lecture. When Regulus turns to see what’s going on, he sees Professor Slughorn walking toward him, an envelope in his hand. Barty and Evan shoot him a questioning look, but Regulus doesn’t acknowledge them. He doesn’t have a clue what Slughorn wants.
“Regulus, my boy,” Slughorn smiles, “For you.” He hands Regulus the letter. “The Headmaster has requested to see you this evening.”
When Regulus’ eyebrows shoot up the Professor says, “You’re not in any trouble, dear boy, no, no. Only good things to say about you from Albus.”
Regulus stares at the letter in his hand, his heart sinking. He had thought Dumbledore might have forgotten about him, seeing as he hadn’t heard from him yet this term.
“Thank you, Professor.” Regulus says quietly, not looking up from the envelope.
“Yes, you’re welcome, Regulus. Do let me know how it goes.” Slughorn says, smiling down at him. The rest of the class is staring now, whispering to each other. Slughorn seems to take notice of it, smoothing down his robes. “Well, I'll be off then. Wouldn’t want Professor Binns to get angry with me for interrupting his lessons.”
Professor Binns still hasn’t noticed Slughorn, and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to any time soon. Barty snickers from beside him and Regulus shoots him a withering look. Barty rolls his eyes and leans over to Evan, whispering in his ear.
“Thank you again, Professor. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to deliver this to me.”
“Any time, my boy, any time.” With that, he turns and leaves.
When the bells rings, Barty, Pandora, and Evan are on him faster than even he thought possible. They pull him into an empty classroom.
“Okay, what the bloody hell was that?!” Barty questions, crossing his arms.
Regulus shakes his head. “You know just as much as I do.”
“Open the letter, Regulus.” Evan says firmly, his face riddled with concern.
Regulus looks down at the envelope in his hands, the Headmaster’s neat, loopy writing spelling out his name. He looks back up at his friends.
“Go on, Regulus,” Pandora says gently, a finger twisting through her fair hair.
With shaking hands, Regulus peels back the wax seal and takes out the letter, unfolding it.
Mr. Black,
I hope you will excuse me for not delivering notice of my summons to you at an earlier time.
Please join me in my office tonight at 19:30. Arrangements have been made for your prefect duties.
The password is ‘jammie dodgers’.
All my best,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
“Well, that’s rather vague, isn’t it?” Regulus scoffs, handing the letter to Evan. Barty and Pandora read it over her shoulder, eyes quickly scanning the parchment.
“At least no one died?” Evan supplies, handing it back to Regulus with a bewildered look and a shrug.
“That actually would've been ideal, Evan.” Barty jeers. “Regulus’ parents prefer torture as their chosen method of punishment, remember?” He looks to Regulus. “Listen, I know it’s proper to sign your full name, but really? Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore? Could the guy be any more of a prat?”
Regulus’ lips twitch at that, but he doesn’t say anything. Pandora is noticeably silent. Regulus turns to look at her, her blue eyes wide and nervous. She’s twisting a new lock of hair around her finger, winding it so tight Regulus is surprised it doesn’t snap under the pull of it.
“Pandora?” He asks nervously, searching her face.
She blinks at him. “Something has changed. I-”, she pauses, “This isn’t what I saw before.”
“What?” Regulus whispers. “What do you mean? Pandora?”
“I can’t tell you.” She says again, dropping her eyes to the ground. “It’ll only make it worse. I’m sorry.”
Regulus stares at her, feeling like the floor just got pulled out from beneath him.
The silence in the room grows between the four of them until it’s so loud that Regulus thinks his head is going to cave in on itself. He lets out a choked noise, crumpling the parchment in his fist.
Barty pulls him into a hug and Regulus lets him, but when he closes his eyes as Barty wraps his arms around him, he pretends it’s Sirius.
He wants his big brother right now, but can’t begin to think of a way to ask for him.
-
Time has never passed as slowly for Regulus as it does today, waiting to meet Dumbledore. That’s really saying something, too, because Regulus’ mum used to withhold food for up to two days as a means of discipline. He remembers being seven years old, before he could really understand what was happening, and begging Sirius to bring him something from the kitchen. He had shattered his mother’s foe-glass running through her study and she forbade Kreacher from feeding him dinner as a result.
“Reggie,” Sirius had whispered, grasping Regulus’ hands in his, “I can get you food, but you have to pretend that you’re still hungry tomorrow, okay? And you can’t tell mum or Kreacher that I gave it to you.” His eyes searched Regulus’ as he wiped tears from his face. “Do you understand?”
Regulus had nodded, whining, “Please, Sirius, I’m so hungry.”
He’d prefer the aching emptiness of his stomach right now over the nervous beat of his heart and cold sweat that he can’t seem to shake. And at least back then Sirius was always there for Regulus. Always protecting him.
-
Hours later, Regulus stands at the door to Dumbledore’s office, eyeing the stone gargoyle warily.
He steps forward with a sigh and grumbles, “Jammie dodgers.”
The gargoyle steps aside immediately and Regulus follows the spiraling staircase behind it to Dumbledore’s study.
Dumbledore’s seat at his desk sits empty when he steps in. Regulus stands there a few moments, staring straight ahead as he awaits Dumbledore’s arrival. After minutes pass by, he realizes Dumbledore likely won’t be stepping forward any time soon. So, he decides to take a look around.
Regulus hasn’t been in the headmaster’s office before and it’s quite grand, really. It’s a large, circular room with a number of levels, each containing various pieces of baroque furniture and magical instruments which whir and shake as Regulus takes them in. Lining the walls are portraits of previous Headmasters, many of which are sleeping in their frames.
Regulus moves towards the left of the room when he spots a pensieve. They’re incredibly rare and expensive, and he hasn’t seen one in person before. Surprisingly, the Black family doesn’t own one. When he peers down into it, he can just make out the memory it holds. A younger Dumbledore and a young boy sitting next to a cabinet in a sterile room. He moves closer, trying to get a closer look, when a voice rings out.
“Watch it, boy.”
Regulus jumps back, looking around the room for the voice, but no one is there. That is, until he looks up. One of the portraits is staring at him, an aristocratic eyebrow raised. Regulus sighs in relief. “Phineas,” he says, rolling his eyes, “I’m surprised to see you here.” Phineas Nigellus Black, Regulus’ great-great grandfather, was a previous headmaster at Hogwarts and has a portrait in both the castle and Grimmauld Place. He regularly moves between the two, but when Regulus had been home last he seemed to spend the majority of his time there.
“Ever assuming, Regulus.” Phineas says, looking rather unimpressed with him. “Why on earth are you here, unsupervised and in the Headmaster's office?”
Regulus looks back at him, calculating. Phineas could tell his mother any of this, seeing as he has unlimited access to her. Then again, it’s not like Regulus has any idea why he’s here either.
“The Headmaster summoned me here. I have no other information.” He says.
Phineas looks at him for a long moment. “Well, stay away from his things. You were raised better than that. Sneaking around is unbecoming.”
“I’m not sure that me being unbecoming matters any longer.” Regulus says flatly. “I’ve been kicked out of the family home. Surely you’re aware?”
“Oh, Regulus, is that what you’ve been telling yourself?” His great-great grandfather laughs. “No, boy, you left. When you wish, you are free to return to Grimmauld Place.” He pauses. “That’s not to say you will go entirely unpunished, but you are most certainly welcome at your rightful home. I’m sure your parents would be overjoyed, should you find yourself back with them.”
Regulus feels himself go cold all over. There’s the answer he’s been waiting for. Some kind of sign from his parents that they haven’t fully given up on him. It’s not that he wants to return after what they did, but Regulus isn’t like Sirius. He doesn’t hate his parents, and he doesn’t know that he would have chosen this life for himself. He definitely wasn’t planning on it when it happened.
He opens his mouth to respond when a paneled door on the side of the study opens. Dumbledore steps out, his silver robes shining in the candlelight of his office.
“Ah, Regulus, my apologies for keeping you.” He says, sweeping through the room.
“That’s fine, Professor.” Regulus responds stiffly.
Dumbledore smiles at him, but it doesn’t quite make it to his eyes. The hairs on the back of Regulus’ neck raise.
“Please, Regulus, take a seat.” Dumbledore gesturing to the ornate chairs in front of his desk, settling into his own. Regulus nods, sitting down. “Phineas, if you’ll leave us.” Regulus can’t help but narrow his eyes slightly at the command. His great-great grandfather dips his chin in response, slipping out of the frame.
“You may be wondering why I called you here tonight.” The Headmaster remarks, clasping his hands together on his desk.
No, you old shit, I didn’t wonder that at all. Regulus thinks, reminding himself of Barty. Just went about my day as usual.
Dumbledore laughs lightly, like he was able to hear Regulus’ comment.
“I hope I didn’t worry you, Regulus. I just wanted to check in, see how you’re faring this term.” He assures. “I know you have a rather important match tomorrow morning. Euphemia and Fleamont wrote to tell me they’d be coming to see you play.”
“They’re coming for James, not me.” Regulus blurts without considering his words. He sounds rather petulant and it makes him think of Sirius.
“The Potters have come to care a great deal about you, Regulus. Do not underestimate their affections.” Dumbledore says, studying Regulus. “It can be said not only of Effie and Monty, but James as well.”
That catches Regulus off guard and he blushes at the last comment. He blushes when Dumbledore mentions James. He’s a fool. Such a goddamn fool.
The Headmaster looks at him, that twinkle in his eye finally making an appearance. “Am I wrong to assume that you’ve come to care for them as well, Regulus?”
“No,” Regulus says through gritted teeth, “You’re not.”
Dumbledore smiles again, seemingly satisfied. “I hope you enjoyed speaking with your grandfather before I so rudely interrupted. I trust you had a productive conversation?”
“I suppose.” Regulus mutters. He feels trapped. Dumbledore is setting up his game pieces and Regulus feels like he's lost before he even knew he was playing.
“Do you wish to return to Grimmauld Place?” Dumbledore questions. “I would not blame you, if so. They are your family, your blood.”
Regulus stares back at him, weighing his words. His brother flashes before his eyes. “So is Sirius.”
Dumbledore raises his brows, like maybe Regulus is the one who caught him off guard this time.
“This is true.” Dumbledore replies, surveying Regulus. “Many underestimate the power of brotherly love, in my humble opinion. Brothers are, in many ways, a mirror of ourselves. A reflection of the parts of oneself they often cannot see on their own, both the beautiful and the ugly. To have a brother is to know true friendship and genuine pain, but above all else, unconditional love.”
Regulus sits with that for a moment. It’s true, at least for him and Sirius. When it comes down to it, there’s no one in this world that Regulus loves more than Sirius. He’s his big brother. The first person he ever wanted to be like. His first friend. The first person he felt true rage towards. Without Sirius, Regulus wouldn’t be the person he is today, the good and the bad.
“Do you have a brother, Professor?” He asks quietly, not looking at Dumbledore.
“Ah,” Dumbledore breathes, “Yes, Regulus, I do. If he would say the same is a different question.”
Regulus looks up then. “Sir?”
“I won’t allow you to pry, but know this: as unconditional as the love for one’s brother is, it is not entirely unbreakable. In some cases, choices are made that tear brothers apart.” Dumbledore is silent for a moment, clearly waiting for Regulus' reaction. “I presume you don’t wish to make such choices, Regulus?”
He swallows, imagining a life in which he and Sirius are completely severed from one another, no longer hanging by the thread that laces them together now. He doesn’t want that, couldn’t ever want that.
“No, Professor,” Regulus croaks, “I don’t want to make any choices like that.”
“Then, Regulus, you are protected, in short, by your ability to love. Can I trust that you are willing to maintain such protection, even if it proves to be difficult?”
Warning bells go off in Regulus’ head at the question. He knows what Dumbledore is asking of him. If he thought he was backed into a corner before, it’s nothing compared to what’s happening right now. He’s not just cornered. He’s on a ledge, one short gust of wind away from falling to somewhere he can’t return from.
His father’s words ring through his head. Men in power don't offer help without expecting something in return, mon chou. Think before accepting such a thing. But Regulus didn’t think, and now he’ll pay the price.
He raises his eyes to Dumbledore’s. “Yes, Professor. You can trust me.”
-
James is itching to see Regulus again after their rounds on Wednesday. He isn’t necessarily planning on doing anything, but he’s eager to spend time with him. Being around Regulus makes James feel good, and he likes to feel good.
He makes his way down to the Great Hall to meet Regulus. They’re patrolling the lower half of the castle tonight, and James is planning on showing him the one eyed witch passage to Honeydukes. He knows from the summer that Regulus likes sweets. When he had first been recovering from what happened to him, Regulus wouldn’t always eat meals, but he always had a helping of pudding, whether it was James’ mum’s madeira cake or just a few biscuits. He bites back a smile, imagining Regulus’ scowl turning to a gasp as he realizes where James has brought him.
When he gets to the Great Hall, though, it’s not Regulus who’s waiting for him.
“Evans?” He questions, drawing his brows together. “What are you doing here?”
The redhead looks at him, raising her eyebrows at him. “Well, hello to you too, Potter. I’m here for rounds. You didn’t get a notice of the change?”
“The change? What do you mean?” He babbles. “Where’s Regulus?”
She shakes her head. “I’m really not sure. All McGonagall told me was that I’d be patrolling with you instead of Alice.” Her eyes flit across his face. “Why? Did something happen to him?”
“No, I-” He runs a hand through his hair, looking across the corridor for Reg. “I don’t think so. McGonagall didn’t say anything else?”
“Nope.” Lily responds, popping the ‘p’. “Just told me to meet you here tonight.”
James' stomach drops. Did Regulus ask to change partners? Is it because of what he did? Or almost did?
Lily watches him curiously. “I think we should probably start patrolling now, if that’s alright with you. I’m sure Regulus is fine. Just ask Sirius about it after rounds?”
James blinks. Sirius wouldn’t have a clue. He and Regulus barely speak, and he definitely doesn’t know about their moment by the lake.
“Er,” James stammers, “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just ask Sirius.”
She smiles at him. “Brilliant. Let’s go, yeah?”
He nods, and the two of them start down the hallway. As they turn the corner, James looks back at the entry way one last time, waiting for Regulus to appear.
He doesn’t.
-
Regulus plans to avoid his friends after his meeting with Dumbledore. He can’t talk about it yet, the hole he’s dug himself into.
When he enters the common room, he’s both surprised and relieved to find that Pandora, Barty, and Evan are already in their dorms. He rolls his shoulders back and makes his way to his room. He’s exhausted and has quidditch in the morning, so he plans on forcing himself to sleep, whether he needs a dreamless sleep potion or not. He’s tired of running himself ragged trying to understand the state of his life.
Just as he passes the fireplace, a hand reaches out to grab his wrist.
“Regulus.”
He looks down at the ring cladden fingers wrapped around the sleeve of his robes, and looks up to meet a pair of deep brown eyes.
“Dorcas,” he sighs, “hi.”
How Regulus didn’t see her, he doesn’t know. She’s always been good at disillusionment charms, though. She was probably waiting for him, likely at the insistence of Evan. She tugs him down onto the sofa with her.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” She says, pursing her lips.
Regulus is taken aback by that. He really hasn’t been, or if he has, he didn't mean to. Dorcas is a year ahead of him and his friends, so they honestly just don’t cross paths as often. She has other friends, other things to fill her time. They’ve never been quite as close as he is with the others.
She also arrived late to school this term because her family was traveling, missing Regulus’ recap of the summer. He didn’t have it in himself to tell the story a third time, so he told the others to fill her in. She attempted to speak with him about it one day after quidditch practice, but Regulus brushed her off. He’s only seen glimpses of her since.
“I haven’t been. I-” He chews his lip. “I’ve had a lot going on.”
“So I’ve heard,” she bites back, “from everyone but you.”
Typically, it’s hard to get a strong reaction out of Regulus. He’s mastered his mask and the general skill of avoidance, but after his meeting tonight, he’s reached his limit.
“Oh, I’m so sorry you didn’t get a first hand account of my family torturing me half to death, Dorcas. That must have been exceptionally hard for you to handle.” He hisses. “How could it ever slip my mind to inform you, the Dorcas Meadowes, of every travesty and occurence in my life?” He laughs cruelly. “Merlin’s fucking beard. Do you realize how stupid you sound? How unbelievably selfish you’re being?”
“You know that’s not what I was saying, Regulus. You and your fucking sense of victimhood. Get over yourself!” She snaps. “You’re supposed to be my friend and you’ve been acting more like a ghost.” She stops, laughing through her nose. “Actually, I take that back. At least if you were a ghost you’d haunt me. Maybe pop up every once in a while? No, you’re acting like I’m a stranger. A stranger, Regulus.”
She glares at him, her eyes shining with tears. Dorcas never cries. Regulus deflates, putting his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry.” He looks over at her. “I really am. I know this probably won’t make you feel any better, but I honestly just haven’t been thinking about you. Or anyone I probably should be. My life,” he laughs humorlessly, “its gone to shit. Gotten turned upside down.”
“I know, Regulus. I can tell.” Dorcas sighs. “I just want you to talk to me about it.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t. Not yet. I need time to- to figure out what’s going on by myself.” Regulus twists his mouth, thinking about everything he hasn’t said. Not just to Dorcas, but to Pandora and Barty and Evan. And Sirius. And James. There’s so much to say, and it’d probably be best to just say it, but he can’t. He’s not ready. He’s never ready. “When I do, I’ll tell you. I promise I will.
Dorcas takes him in, pursing her lips again. “Okay, Regulus.” She says softly.
The two of them sit in silence for a few minutes, watching the fireplace crackle. Dorcas nudges him, “You ready for the game on tomorrow? We need to kick Gryffindor’s ass.”
Reg lets out a low laugh. “Of course I’m ready. Are you?”
“I’m always ready, Reg.” She grins. “Don’t ever forget that.”