A Faith Forgotten Land
He's in the room
Your opal eyes are all I wish to see
He wants what's only yours
August 1st, 1976
Regulus wakes with a start, unsure of where he is. He instinctively reaches for his wand, only to realize he doesn't have it. His panic rises, and he looks around quickly in the darkness before he groans, his headache hitting him like a pile of bricks. It all comes flooding back: his parents, Bellatrix, Euphemia Potter whispering sweet nothings to him as he whimpered helplessly, and the pain. Oh God, the pain. Regulus lurches over the side of the bed and promptly throws up, before collapsing back onto the bed, falling into dreamless sleep once more.
-
When Regulus wakes again, he comes to slowly, vaguely aware of a warm hand pushing his curls off of his forehead. He groans as the pain of yesterday joins him in consciousness.
“Oh, love. It’s okay. We’re going to get you cleaned up and feeling better as soon as we can,” a gentle voice tells him.
Regulus opens his eyes, slowly, and sees Euphemia looking down at him, her eyes full of a sorrow and gentleness that he's never received before. All he can do is stare at her and she smooths his hair back over and over again. Regulus shuts his eyes, relishing the feeling of her touch.
“Please don't make me go back,” Regulus whispers hoarsely, well aware of how pathetic he sounds. So much for first impressions. There's a stretch of silence and panic grips Regulus like a vice, his heart pounding in his chest as he realizes that he might have to go back to Grimmauld, face them all again.
“You listen to me, Regulus. You're here with us, and that's where you'll stay. I've got you, love. Don't think for a minute that I'm letting you go.”
The fierceness of her words causes Regulus to open his eyes again. His eyes meet hers, undeniably the same shape as James’, and that gentleness he saw previously is still there, but there's something more now. Something fiery. Regulus doesn't know what it is, but in that moment, he believes her. He really does.
“I’m sorry,” he says, his chin trembling as he looks at her, “I'm so sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for Regulus, love, you really don't,” she says to him as she brings her hand down from his hair to cup his cheek, “I’ve got you now.”
Regulus looks at her and starts to cry, soft sobs that wrack his body as the pain and exhaustion take over one again.
-
Once he calms down, Effie leaves him in the room. He falls back to sleep quickly.
He isn't sure how much time has passed, but the next time Regulus wakes he can see light creeping through the cracks in the curtains of his room. Effie sits on the bed, asking him if he'll come downstairs as soon as he’s ready. He needs to speak to Dumbledore about what happened and she explains that she's put him off for as long as possible, but he'll be there today.
Regulus doesn't want to go downstairs. He doesn't want to speak to Dumbledore, or see Sirius or James. He's scared. He's so scared. But, if there's one thing that seems to have been ingrained in him as a result of being his parents’ son, it's following orders. He doesn't think that it was technically an order from Mrs. Potter, but he doesn't know for sure that it wasn't one either. He stares at the robes she set out for him and braces himself.
-
An hour later, Regulus timidly makes his way downstairs. His head still hurts and his joints ache. He's more wobbly on his feet than he'd like, but after last night, he's not willing to show any more weakness. So he goes downstairs.
When he finally makes his way to the final step, he takes a deep breath and catalogs his surroundings. The Potter Cottage is warm and bright. The definition of lived in. There’s comfortable looking furniture and butter-yellow walls. Photos line the walls, ranging from The Potter family, James as an infant, and even Sirius. One photo of Sirius on the wall, laughing with his hair wild and a leather jacket on, causes Regulus to take a sharp intake of breath, bracing himself against the wall as he screws his eyes shut, willing himself to calm the choking he feels in his chest.
“Oh, there you are, Regulus. We were just waiting for you. It's time for tea, why don't you come join us?”
Regulus' eyes fly open and he sees Mr. Potter standing in the doorway across from him holding a tin of biscuits. Regulus stares at him, unsure what to do. Monty offers a smile and nods at him, encouraging him to come forward, so Regulus does. Hugging his arms tightly around himself and following him into the dining room.
Sirius, James, and Effie are gathered around the table chattering as the Potter’s elf conjures teacups and a kettle, wordlessly filling each one. “I found Regulus just as he was coming down the stairs. Perfect timing, eh boys?” Mr. Potter smiles warmly at James and Sirius before flicking his eyes back to Regulus, “Take a seat, Regulus. Anywhere you'd like.”
Regulus approaches cautiously, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as he takes the seat next to Mrs. Potter. James and Sirius are across from him and he can feel their gazes, but can't bring himself to look at them. A teacup and saucer appear in front of Regulus and the elf fills his cup. He directs his gaze to the tea as he notices the sugar being pushed towards him. He looks up and it's James, peering owlishly at him as he offers it to Regulus, “Thank you,” he croaks, his voice still hoarse and rough. Regulus quickly averts his gaze when James nods at him in recognition. He carefully places two lumps of sugar in his tea.
“Now, Regulus, I hope it's alright, but Professor Dumbledore should be here any time now,” Effie says gently, placing her hand on his shoulder, “You needn't be frightened, he's going to be here to help. He just needs to know what happened.”
Regulus looks up at her and looks away, which inadvertently leads him to look right at Sirius, who's looking at him with a furrowed brow. He knows he's asking him the same question, what happened? But Regulus can't bring himself to speak yet, not until he has to. So he looks away, his hands shaking as he picks up his teacup, porcelain ringing as he shakes the cup against his saucer.
A crack of apparition outside causes Regulus to jump, his cup clattering from his hands and onto the table, shattering in front of him as hot tea spills across the wood in front of him. Regulus looks up at Effie, fear racing through him as he awaits her response. He's so scared. She lets out a gentle laugh and waves her wand, “No harm done,” a new teacup appears in front of Regulus, “That’ll be Dumbledore now. Monty, why don't you go get him?”
James' father nods, and leaves the room. Regulus hears the front door open and grips the table in front of him, staring at his knuckles are they turn white from the pressure of his grip.
“Listen to me love, it's okay. You're not in any trouble and no one's angry at you. We just want to help you.” Regulus looks at her, searching her face for a lie, for the twist of cruelty that should come, but it doesn't.
“Why would we be angry with him? He hasn't done a thing wrong!” Sirius' voice breaks Regulus’ focus on Mrs. Potter, and he stares at him, shocked to find Sirius staring angrily at Mrs. Potter.
Effie smiles ruefully at Sirius, “I know that, dear. I just want to make sure that Regulus knows it too.”
Anything Sirius could have said is promptly cut off by the sound of Dumbledore’s voice.
“Good afternoon, Regulus. I'm glad to see you awake,” the old man says, his blue eyes twinkling.
Regulus just stares at him. If he's being honest, he's never liked Dumbledore much. Something about the headmaster had never sat well with Regulus. He's unsure what it is exactly, but something in his face doesn't assure Regulus that he's actually there to help.
“Headmaster, thank you,” Regulus croaks, the first words out of his mouth since he spoke to Mrs. Potter late last night. Or maybe early this morning. He doesn't remember.
Dumbledore bows his head in response, pulling out a chair at the head of the table. Presumptuous, Regulus thinks, as he's not head of the Potter house and there's a seat next to James which is much closer to Regulus.
“Now, in order to get things, ah, well- sorted, I'll need you to tell me the events of last night exactly as they transpired. Depending on what you tell us here today, I may need to extract the memory for use in a pensieve. Do you understand, Regulus?”
Regulus nods, keeping his eyes firmly planted on the cherry colored wooden table in front of him.
“Excellent. Please feel free to begin. Do not spare any details, Regulus.”
Regulus continues staring at the table. He can feel the eyes of every single person in the room boring into him. He can't tell them what happened. He's not ready. Why is he always being pushed into situations he's not ready for? “Weak, undisciplined,” his mother’s voice hisses in his head. He involuntarily flinches at the sound of it.
Mrs. Potter lays a hand on his shoulder, “It’s all right, Regulus. When you're ready, you begin.”
He takes a shuddering breath in and raises his eyes, looking into her eyes first and making his way across the table. He avoids Sirius and makes eye contact with James instead. Those warm hazel eyes. He lingers on James a moment, searching his face for something. He isn't sure what.
Skirting his gaze past Monty, he finally makes it to Dumbledore. His blue eyes aren't twinkling anymore, and his mouth is set into a straight line. Regulus realizes then that he does not have a choice to wait until he's ready, because that day will likely never come, and Dumbledore will get this information out of him whether Regulus likes it or not.
“This summer has been… different than before,” Regulus starts, already hearing the way his voice falters over a single sentence.
“Different how?” Sirius asks immediately. Mrs. Potter places her hand over his to silence him.
“Go on, Regulus. We won't interrupt, love.”
Regulus swallows. “I suppose that when I say different I mean intense. Things have been much more intense. I knew that things would be more difficult being the only one in the house with my mother and father, but I didn't think it would be like this.”
Dumbledore looks at him expectantly, inclining his head forward as a sign that Regulus should continue.
“We had people over last night, family and some of my mother and father’s… colleagues," Regulus explains, staring at the wall just beside Dumbledore’s head. “Things seemed to be normal. Everyone was in high spirits. I was able to hang back and go unnoticed, that- that's how I prefer these things. But, things started to go wrong as the night went on.”
Regulus pauses, unsure of how to continue. He knows he needs to get it over with, so he lets out a deep breath and keeps going.
“Bellatrix brought up Sirius. She does it to… upset me. Upset my mother. She also knows that I know better than to speak on the matter, especially in public. She kept prodding, trying to get me to speak about Sirius and his leaving, but I wouldn't.” Regulus can't bring himself to look at Sirius while he admits this. Dumbledore’s face hasn't changed with anything he's said, although Regulus guesses he hasn't said anything of substance.
“As the night went on, I tried to sneak out early. Go to bed. I've never been one for the parties my parents host. Bella- she saw me leaving and followed me. Along with her husband-”
“Rodolphus Lestrange?” interjects Monty. Regulus nods.
“They cornered me in the drawing room upstairs. They were taunting me- about a lot of things,” Regulus’ cheeks tint pink as he remembers some of the things they said to him. About boys. About Sirius. About James.
“Lucius Malfoy, he's engaged to my cousin, Cissy- Narcissa- he joined us not long after. I think that's when things really escalated.”
“He wanted me to curse Kreacher. I- I couldn't do it.” Regulus grimaces just thinking about it. Kreacher had begged Regulus to curse him when they began urging him to. He had wanted to please Regulus, keep him out of trouble.
“Kreacher is our house elf. He's always had… a bit of a soft spot for Regulus.”
At the sound of Sirius’ voice Regulus’ eyes fly up, searching Sirius’ eyes for something, just like he had with James before. He realizes now, he's looking for disgust, or hatred, anything to show he's disappointed in Regulus. But Regulus doesn't find it. He only finds sadness. And pity. He doesn't know which is worse. Regulus nods in agreement with Sirius' statement.
“I- I refused. Lucius cursed me first after that. I don't think it was an Unforgivable, he was just trying to mess with me. But you can't play fight around Bella, she doesn't do that. So, she cursed me next… Crucio.” Regulus’ eyes are glued to the table once more. Wringing his hands in his lap.
“I tried to get away, but Rodolphus punched me. Kept punching me really. He's always been a bit of a heathen, that one. I think I blacked out at one point. When I woke up, my mother was there too. She- she was-”, Regulus can't get himself to continue. He feels the room start to close in on him as his breathing increases.
“Dumbledore, maybe that's enough for now, he's not in any state-”, Mrs. Potter says before Dumbledore cuts her off.
“Euphemia, we've waited long enough. We need the details in case Walburga and Orion attempt to retrieve Regulus from your care. We need reason to keep him away from them until the term begins. Regulus, if you may, please continue.”
Regulus looks to Mrs. Potter, who doesn't look very pleased, but nods nonetheless.
“She crucio’d me. Many times. I'm not sure how many- I lost count. They told me they'd stop if I swore my allegiance to the family and the Dark Lord, but- but, I couldn't even speak. They had cursed me for too long. I could only really make noises,” Regulus explains, shame heating his face, “That’s when Lucius had the idea to get Veritaserum. They gave me some Pepper-Up potion and then Veritaserum, and asked me the question again.”
Dumbledore’s expression flickers at this, “And what did you say?”
Regulus sighs, before saying rather quietly, “I told them that I was scared. That I missed Sirius. And-”, Regulus trails off, “And that I didn't want to be evil.”
-
Dumbledore agrees to take the rest of the memory from Regulus rather than forcing him to recount it following that statement. Doesn't make him tell the whole room that his mother called him pathetic and weak and that he cried out, begging for her. Doesn't force him to say that his own mother let Bellatrix Crucio him until he started bleeding out of his ears. Doesn't let him explain to everyone that they left him there, shaking in his own mess, only for Narcissa to find him and demand Kreacher to apparate him to the Potter’s. He wishes he could have told them about Narcissa, but she isn’t the heroic type any way. She’d probably prefer that they didn’t know.
After the Headmaster leaves, Regulus is hollow. When Dumbledore was taking the memory, Regulus was forced to re-experience the entire night in a strange fast forward that left his head spinning. He goes upstairs, ignoring Sirius’ calls for him and falls into bed, taking the Dreamless Sleep potion on the bedside table. Everything goes black.