Sirius hated driving through his old neighbourhood. It made his stomach churn. He was worried he would see the precariously thin figure of Walburga Black, as she glided around the neighbourhood. He was worried he would see his father's imposing silhouette as he marched the streets as if the walk from the pub to his house was a march into battle. He was worried Orion would forget his eldest son had already surrendered. He was worried they would be crossing the street and the evil, devilish, innate, Black-family part of him that he couldn't quite get out of his head would cause his foot to slam into the gas and run their sorry figures over. And if the anxiety of being back down the dull and dreary street of Grimmuald Place wasn't enough, there was the anxiety of Regulus' texts.
Regulus hadn't reached out since November really, since Sirius left for good. Sirius had left for a few months at a time before, but Regulus seemed to know that this time was the last time he would put up with their parent's mistreatment. So receiving a string of chaotic, and anxious texts from his little brother, had sent Sirius into over-drive.
It had started an hour or so ago, when he was sat at the kitchen table with James, his parents, Pete, and Remus.
"Thank you again so much for letting all of us stay" Remus smiled at Effie and Fleamont who began passifying the group with chorused 'we love to have you boys here!''s
Fucking suck up. Sirius thought giving the boy a cheeky smile at his politeness.
Remus cocked a brow back up at Sirius, 'jealous?' it seemed to ask.
Sirius rolled his eyes.
The two of them had always had this sort of natural ability to read each other incredibly well. Sirius and James had spent years fostering the level of non-verbal communication they had now, but for Sirius and Remus, it came shortly after meeting one another.
"Once tea's wrapped up though you boys should head up to bed. It's an early morning tomorrow" Effie reminded them.
James nodded. "Of course mum, are you guys sure you don't want to come"
"Love, as much as the thought of spending my weekend with four teenage boys sounds absolutely enchanting, we trust you boys on your own. You've been up to the cottage a few times with us now, it's about time." she said waving her hand.
"Don't hesitate to call if you need anything though" Monty quickly jumped in, running a hand through his hair.
The kettle whistled and suddenly James and Peter were on their feet, bringing out teacups and biscuits.
"Are we sure the truck is loaded up properly?" Remus said, his brow furrowed "I swear to god if we forget something super important again this year I'm never spending any hols with you guys again"
"We forget the tent once!" Peter protested.
"One time and you never let us live it down" Sirius muttered.
"We got front row seats to a meteor shower!" James added shaking his head "Sooo ungrateful Moony" he said clucking his tongue.
"No we did not. There was no meteor shower. There were stars, and then there was a rain-shower, entirely different things"
"Boys, luckily this time there is no tent to forget." Fleamont smiled slapping a hand down on James' shoulder. "You'll be living like" Fleamont was interrupted by an incredibly loud noise.
Sirius' phone buzzed from somewhere deep inside his bag. "Oh shit, stupid ringer" Sirius cursed. "Sorry" he said digging through the contents of his backpack. "I swear I was on do not disturb" he amended as the dings continued to spill out of his bag. "I've got to go get it fixed, it's always acting up"
"You're always saying that" Remus snickered earning a swat from Sirius.
"Who wants to reach you so bad they've sent you like fifty texts in a row?" James asked craning his neck as Sirius pulled his phone out of the bag.
"Oh leave him be" Effie chided pulling at James' shoulder.
"Probably some girl he's hooking-" Peter coughed "uh got a thing for"
Sirius glanced across the table with the most incredulous look on his face. "Some girl I'm hooking up with? Peter!" Sirius shrieked. "I'm not!" he protested looking towards Effie with a panicked expression.
"We didn't hear a thing!" Fleamont replied, as he stood up to begin clearing some of the dishes.
"Oh god, Pete I hate you right now" Sirius muttered, shooting an apologetic look back at Remus. He hoped it was subtle. The boy's didn't know anything had started up yet, and if this was how they found out Sirius would scream. Sirius finally had a chance to glance down at his phone-screen to see who was messaging. He was intending on immediately telling them who it was, if for no other reason than to make sure Remus was absolutely certainhe wasn't cheating.
Regulus. Two missed calls, and a flurry of incoherent texts.
Strings of 'Sirius' and 'please' and 'nevermind's' filled Sirius' vision.
"Oh, shit" Sirius cursed standing up and grabbing his bag off the floor. "fuck, it's Reggie" he said feeling his heart beat quicken.
"I- shit, wait, what do I do? He's asking me to go pick him up" Sirius' memory was a flurry of panic and nerves by this point. He looked around the table waiting for guidance. He couldn't think clearly, his stomach was rising up his throat, and his head was spinning.
"Go pick him up dear, here take the car keys" Effie said standing up and grabbing the keys to her Honda. Usually Sirius drove James' truck, but it was entirely stuffed to the brim with camping stuff.
"I- what do I- oh god, what if I'm too late- what if-"
Effie placed a hand on his back walking him towards the door.
"Shh Sirius, he's going to be okay, and you're going to go check on him. You can always bring him back here if he's in danger, but theres no use in panicking, it won't get you any closer to solving anybodies problems." Euphemia soothed, as he walked towards the car. "He might not be in imminent danger sweetheart, and if he is, you'll be there as quickly as you can be.
"Yeah, yeah, he's probably just like, drunk or something, it's a Friday, and a long weekend" Sirius replied, he ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach that reminded him that Reg hardly ever drank, and it was even rarer that Walburga and Orion let him out for a party.
"It's certainly possible love." Euphemia smiled running a hand through his hair "If he is hurt Sirius, don't hesitate to bring him here. Against his will if you have to"
Sirius nodded.
"Alright drive safe, and call me if you need anything at all" she added placing a kiss to his forehead.
Sirius pulled to the side of the road when he reached Pine Park. There was a small bench, and a boy sat on it with unruly black curls. Regulus' hair was getting longer again. Shortly after Sirius had left, it had been almost all gone. Sirius had waited at the gate by his school for hours, only for Regulus to see him, turn on his heel, and leave a different way.
Sirius took the scene in before he got out of the car. Deep breath. Who decided a 'deep breath' was a good way to calm down? The extra oxygen seemed to just make his heart race even faster. Oh god why did he feel so ill. Breathe. Regulus was alone, he wasn't at all far from 12 Grimmuald, and he didn't seem incapacitated in any sense. The uneasy churning in Sirius' stomach increased by a ten fold. What did Regulus want?
Maybe his parents had threatened him. Maybe he had to bring Sirius back to them, maybe this was some sort of elaborate plan to ruin his life.
No, that was being cruel to Regulus.
Then again Regulus was cruel to him sometimes.
In Sirius' mind there was old Regulus and new Regulus, and he didn't know which one was real. He tried not to think about it much.
Old Regulus was quite sensitive and if the texts were coming from old Regulus he was likely lonely, or just missed his brother.
New Regulus was calculated, he didn't look at Sirius in the eye at the dinner table, and he lashed out at Sirius whenever he tried to help his younger brother. Sirius couldn't conceptualize what could've happened for new Regulus to call him, and that alone was worrying. New Regulus preferred to hide things from Sirius, as if he couldn't see right through it. At one point in time, Regulus would face his fathers fist, or hand, or belt and run himself to Sirius' room immediately. He'd ask Sirius to make him feel better, and Sirius did the best he could. Then suddenly, Regulus started trying to hide the abuse both boys faced from his older brother. As if mother and father never hurt him. At first he believed it, and there was a bitterness and resentment that he still harboured for his brother, who let him think there was something wrong with him, rather than their parents. Now, it made Sirius' stomach churn, Regulus was so painfully ashamed of everything.
“Regulus?” Sirius called, stepping out of the car his tone had the smallest hint of concern, but Regulus wasn’t sure if he was finding it because he was looking for it or if it was something more tangible.
“I-“ Regulus couldn’t formulate any proper words. “Yeah” he replied “it’s me” he added, his heart beating uncomfortably in his chest, his chest was restricting, and the motion seemed to make his stomach and throat lurch.
“I didn’t expect you to come” he added, ignoring the way the cold made his voice waver, it was the cold nothing else. He didn't feel vulnerable, he didn't feel at all worried that Sirius would just walk away. He didn't feel like he'd handed every ounce of trust inside of him to his brother and he didn't feel anxious that Sirius would break it into irreparable pieces-- that would be absolutely absurd.
Sirius stood behind the bench his hands in his pocket. What the fuck should he say. He felt annoyance grow. I didn't expect you to come. Regulus had sounded calm. What did he want? Why wouldn't I come?
“What did you call for?” Sirius demanded in a hot and sharp tone. “Because if this was some stupid ploy to get me back into that god forsaken house-” He added in a snappish tone.
“I’m not trying anything like that” Regulus countered matching the snappish energy Sirius began with. "You can just fuck off if that's what you think of me" Regulus said through gritted teeth, he could feel the fragile relationship between them wobbling, and swaying back and forth towards the edge dangerously Regulus was scared to breathe, scared to move, worried that if he did anything it would all break, and everything they'd ever been through would vanish into the inconsequential.
“Okay, no I don't, but just- like I came here because you called, I figured you'd need a ride somewhere, I thought you’d be drunk or something, I don't know. You're just, you're freaking me out Reg” Sirius frowned. He reached forwards tapping on Regulus' shoulder. He'd though Regulus would be drunk, or half dead, he hadn't really considered that there could be another reason Regulus would call him.
Regulus bit his tongue. It was a Friday. Maybe he should’ve just gotten wasted and banked on the fact that his parents would too. They’d black out, and forget, and move on. Maybe it would’ve worked.
“Well it’s fine,” Regulus said sharply. “I’ll go,” he added. "I'm sorry for freaking you out and in hind-sight I don't need anything from you, so you can go"
“No!” Sirius replied he'd noted a tightness in Regulus' throat, he was getting angry to cover up what their father declared a weaker emotion - fear, insecurity, sadness, hurt, most emotions really.
“Turn around first” he continued softening his tone. He found himself right behind the bench, as Regulus stood up. Regulus was being difficult because he was scared Sirius reminded himself. He thought of what Euphemia would do, what she would tell him. Regulus felt vulnerable, and in the House of Black, there were a few things an argument could do to amplify those sorts of feelings, there were a handful of paths vulnerability could take you down, and every single one ended in the reaffirmation of all of your insecurities and self doubt. Sirius wasn't going anywhere until he made sure his baby brother was okay.
“I’m leaving,” Regulus said, taking a few more steps.
He flinched at Sirius’ hand grabbing him and turning him around. "No you're not"
Regulus turned his head away doing his best to conceal the bruise on his jaw, and the lash marks by his neck, his sleeves were pulled over his arms concealing the purple and blue mosaic that was probably developing across of them by the time Sirius had arrived.
“I just want you to leave, forget I called,” Regulus said. He had intended there to be a bite to his tone, it was supposed to be entitled, or rude and harsh. It came out with a waver, and broke strangely in his voice as if he were still prepubescent.
“Reg you're not fooling anyone, show me the other side of your face. I drove all the way here, sorry but you’re not getting out of this one” Sirius replied, a strange sternness to his tone. When Sirius spoke like that it made Regulus feel looked after. Regulus wondered if that was how conversing with most parents was like. Sometimes, despite their age difference being only a few years, Sirius seemed like he knew everything. When they were younger Regulus would want to write his mothers day and fathers day cards for Sirius instead. He was the one who tucked him in at night, and read until he fell asleep. Sirius taught him how to tie his shoes, and Sirius held him when kids at school were mean. It was an uncomfortable reminder, the tone of voice. Sirius was the most responsible and parental family member Regulus had ever had. Sirius had cared for him and loved him for longer and with more ferocity than anybody else ever had. And an insecure and incessant voice in the back of his head reminded him that Sirius in the face of all of that, had still turned his back on him and walked away to a different family.
Regulus turned his head to look up at Sirius into his eyes. He couldn't tell if his resentment or his desperation was winning the battle inside of him. He didn't want either to win. He wanted to hit Sirius, and he wanted to be held, oh how he wanted to be touched in a way that didn't hurt.
“Reggie what happened?” Sirius asked slowly, tracing his thumb along the small portion of cheek that wasn’t already purple and blue. "This is bad" Sirius murmured.
His mind was made up. He could stomach Sirius caring about him. Just for right now. He was allowed to. Tomorrow he could go back to hating his brother, but Sirius called him Reggie and he hadn't heard anyone say any variation of his name with so much intention and care since Sirius had last done so.
“I- they-“ Regulus took a shaky breath, he cocked his head up and bit down hard when he realised tears were welling in his eyes. He hoped Sirius wouldn’t notice. He hated when Sirius noticed.
Sirius noticed.
“Fuck” The older of the two whispered, he wrapped his arms around his little brother in a way he hadn’t done since they were kids.
“Sorry” Regulus murmured into his brother's shoulder where he’d slumped his body against to rest. As if standing on his own feet was entirely too difficult. "Sorry, shit I'm sorry" Regulus murmured.
“Hey, no, don’t apologise for this okay. I don’t care what happened, it's not your fault” Sirius whispered, rubbing calming circles between the smaller boy's shoulder blades.
Regulus choked slightly “but this time it is” he said said collecting himself, he wiped his tears quickly with the bottom of his sleeve.
Sirius pulled back, still holding onto Regulus’ shoulders. “What do you mean?” He said scanning Regulus' face as if it would give him the answers. “I’m sure-“ Sirius paused. “Really Reg, nothing a kid can do warrants a punch to the face from their parents. I’m sure whatever it is you think you did isn’t your fault” he said in a wise tone that Regulus didn’t know Sirius was capable of.
“Can you please tell me what happened” he followed up with, brushing the stray curls out of Regulus’ face in a motherly way, the younger preened slightly at the touch.
"No" Regulus shook his head leaning back towards his brother's chest.
"That's okay, it's just, you know if you tell me, you can decide if you actually want to blame yourself for it, yeah? A second opinion"
“They figured it out” Regulus said looking up at Sirius with a tired look on his face.
Sirius replied with quiet repetitive kind words and slowly walked the boy towards the car.
“Do you have any stuff with you? Where did you want to go?” Sirius then asked softly as he watched Regulus climb into the car.
"I had a bag" he said glancing around quickly.
"Got it!" Sirius called grabbing the school bag from next to the bench. "How about you get in the car and we can choose where we go in a second?" Sirius added tossing the backpack into the backseat.
Regulus shrugged and made a move to hold his knees and tuck his feet in, but the moment his shoes touched the seat of the car they snapped back down to the ground.
Sirius regarded him with what Regulus could only read as a mix of regret and pity.
Regulus withered under it.
“Reggie, it’s fine, the Potters don’t care if your shoes touch the seat.”
Regulus gave him a suspicious look.
“Look, I can clean it tomorrow morning if you’re fussed about it.” Sirius replied.
Regulus nodded. His phone began chiming in his pocket.
“Parents calling?” Sirius asked.
To his surprise Regulus shook his head no.
“Do they know you’re out?” Sirius then asked as he pulled off the side of the road. They still didn’t have a destination, but Sirius hated being so close to Grimmuald Place.
The blue glow of Regulus’ phone made the bruise on his right cheek look even worse. It looked as though there'd been repetitive hits.
“Father get you there?” Sirius asked, making a vague gesture to his own cheek.
Regulus nodded with a small shrug. "not too badly" he lied.
Sirius sighed.
Their father threw with his left hand, making it easy to know whether it was mother or father causing the damage. Walburga also tended to be less physical anyways, it was more that her emotions were so big that when she lashed out for any reason, it often left some sort of mark, usually not with a fist though.
"Have you cleaned it out yet?"
Regulus didn't reply.
"Reg it will heal way faster if you treat it properly" he scolded.
Regulus shrugged.
Sirius bit the inside of his cheek "we're dealing with that before you leave" he decided.
Regulus huffed a sigh "there's nothing to deal with" he said mocking Sirius' tone "it's not a big deal"
Sirius hummed in a tone that made it clear he wasn't taking a word Regulus said into account.
The car sped up as it hit more main roads. Sirius furrowed his brow sending continuous concerned glances towards his brother who had resigned himself to silence.
“They know I’m out,” Regulus whispered a few minutes later. They were driving instinctively towards the Potter’s. Where Sirius had been practically living on and off again since he was thirteen. He'd known the route from Grimmuald to their place by heart for years now.
Sirius nodded “When do you have to be back? I don’t want to drive too far if you’ve got a curfew, don't want to make them anymore angry, I don't know if theres much more room on your face for them to bust up"
Regulus didn’t reply; he just pressed his forehead against the window.
Sirius sighed, not knowing what to say. He used to be better at talking to Regulus. His hand hesitated over the switch to turn on the radio. Before he put music on, he decided he would try one more time.
“Are you going back at all?” Sirius asked carefully catching on to the one thing he didn't think to consider the call could be about. Maybe Regulus wanted to leave leave.
“ ‘m not allowed” Regulus murmured into the window. If Sirius noticed the tears that were once again threatening to spill, he didn't mention it.
“Oh, shit, what?” Sirius was slightly shocked. After years of loud blow outs, fights, and even the time he’d hit his mother back, not once did they ever kick him out. Not even for a little bit. Sirius partly reckoned it was because they knew he’d leave. Hell he ran away all the time. As a kid he’d run down the street until his dad caught up. Then he started making it farther. And eventually, he began spending weeks at the Potter’s. At first he’d told James’ parents that his travelled for work a lot, but this fell through a little when they eventually met Regulus, and then it fell through a lot when Walburga showed up to their door herself.
Regulus brought his legs closer towards his chest. “I hate everything” he said in a defeated tone “I shouldn’t have called you” he added, a distinct throbbing in his head.
Regulus had learnt that in fearful situations, humans have three responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze.
Regulus would propose a fourth, which he fell victim to.
Find Sirius.
It was hardwired in at this point. He couldn’t help himself. He’d been getting better. He hadn’t even considered it since Sirius left for good. But tonight was too much. He just wanted someone who already knew, someone who wouldn’t ask too many questions, someone who would just come fucking pick him up.
Sirius glared at him “I’m glad you did, Reg you really should've, you have a huge gash across your ugly-mug making it even worse, and mother and father have gone ballistic enough to make you say crazy shit like it's your fault, you're off the rails, honestly kid. Besides you’ve hardly got any clothes on for this weather. It’s early March, you can’t just sit in the cold dark night and walk around in no clothes.” he said adding the last bit in a teasing tone. He hoped it would lighten the mood.
“I’m in a long-sleeve and pants,” Regulus protested. "That's not no clothes"
“Mmmm but they're pyjama pants” Sirius replied “everybody knows those don’t count”
Regulus (to Sirius’ dismay) was too tired to continue speaking, he didn’t say anything quippy, or snappish, or sharp.
“Do you think they’ll let me go back?” Regulus whispered into the air, his voice strained, as if the wrong answer would ruin everything.
Unfortunately there wasn’t a right answer.
Sirius pulled up at a lookout. A little parking lot with a nice view of the Thames.
“I don’t think I will,” Sirius replied, a genuine look in his eyes.
Regulus frowned, “I want to go back” he mumbled.
“Is it safe to go back?” Sirius prompted. “It doesn’t matter if you want to or not.”
Regulus chewed on the inside of his cheek, before tears slipped out of his eyes. He placed his forehead fully into his knees so Sirius couldn’t see his face anymore.
“They’ll send me away if I go back” Regulus said after some time pulling his face up.
“What?” Sirius asked a genuine question, the concern evident, along with the confusion.
“I- Sirius they- I’m- I-” Regulus’ face burnt up, he felt as if the words would never come out of his mouth. He felt as if he’d rather die than say it. He felt as if he should just run out of Sirius’ car and into the traffic. He felt as though he’d rather be dead. Or at least normal.
“I’m… I like… I-” Regulus’ voice trailed off again.
Sirius reached towards with an arm, likely looking to offer comfort, or support.
“No,” Regulus murmured, pushing his hand away “Just give me a moment” he whispered, his voice shaking.
The only sound cutting the tense silent was the occasional and muted vibration of Regulus’ cellphone.
“Do you want me to check-“
“No!” Regulus cried grabbing his phone. “No” he repeated. “I just” he averted his gaze to the floor. He felt shame flow through his blood stream, his cheeks burnt bright red, the tips of his ears as well, his head hung lower than usual, and his hands played relentlessly with the sleeves of his sweatshirt.
“I like- I’m- just it’s” he took a shaky breath “I’m like a little bit, like… gay” he mumbled turning to look at Sirius quickly.
Regulus had been very scared on many occasions, but looking in his brother's eyes after coming out felt worse than a panic attack. The knot of anxiety he’d become accustomed too was suddenly twisting and twirling in his stomach crawling up his throat, and out of his mouth and nose. The roots of fear that were curling into every part of his body restricted his blood flow, causing his heart to beat faster. Unfortunately it didn’t feel like his body was getting any more oxygen. With each pump of his heart his muscles were regenerated with new waves of shame, and his breathing became more panicked as he gasped for more air. He glanced up into his brothers eyes for a moment, but it felt like an eternity as the boys made eye contact. When he averted his eyes the fear ceased, but the shame lingered as he burrowed his head back into his arms, which were rested on his drawn up knees.
His back started shuddering with tears he’d been meaning to shed for the past few hours.
Sirius’ hand reached over, lightly moving up and down Regulus’ back.
“Reggie” Sirius murmured, trying to coax the boy's head up.
The boy shook his head in his arms, Regulus needed to focus on not sobbing, or not screaming.
“Reg” Sirius tried again, his tone soft.
Regulus brought his now tear streaked face up, looking up at Sirius. Regulus was always embarrassed of crying, but this sort of embarrassment was unmatched. He’d never felt so useless and embarrassed. It was far worse than the sort of shame he felt when he broke a vase of mothers, he stared holes in the ground as if that could make it better. It was the sort of all embodying over taking embarrassment that is hard to imagine. He thought back to even his childhood and couldn’t equate this sort of humiliation to anything he’d ever experienced, and Walburga and Orion gloried in humiliating their sons.
“C’mere Reg” Regulus heard his brother murmuring soon he was being pulled into a hug “Mother and Father don’t know shit” Sirius hummed, placing a hand into his little brother’s hair as the boy sobbed. “They're horrid people, and they don't recognize love if you were to scream it at their face, they know nothing about this stuff" Sirius said calmly "There's nothing wrong with you, please don't beat yourself up over something you can't change Reg. I’m sorry that this all happened when you weren’t ready to tell me, but it’s not a bad thing Reg. Being gay, it’s just-”
“Ew stop” Regulus murmured into Sirius’ chest “Just like… don’t hate me for now, please?” he choked out. “I’m sorry” he whispered “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he repeated into his brother's shirt.
“Reggie, I would never hate you-“
Regulus cut him off, clearly not in the mood to hear what Sirius had to say.
“Are you" Regulus said taking a shaky breath "are you disappointed in me?" he asked quietly, his hands still fidgeting over his knees.
"What? No, of course not. Look Regulus I don’t know if it’ll change anything for you, but uh, I like blokes too” Sirius said softly.
Regulus' head lifted up slowly, before cocking to the side.
“So do you think…. it’s like a genetic malfunction?” He asked.
“No, no I don’t think that Reg” Sirius hummed, reaching over again to ruffle his little brother's hair, he wasn’t sure how else to help. He wasn't sure what to say. "Nothing is wrong with you, theres no reason to be angry, or disappointed about this."
“So it’s a choice?” Regulus’ voice wavered.
“No,” Sirius said firmly. “Look Reg” he started bringing a hand up to his temple.
Regulus, to both of the boys' surprise, obliged, looking up at his brother.
“It’s not a choice.” Sirius started slowly “not to be rude Reggie, but I think if you could like girls you would. I think you know this stuff already” he sighed giving Regulus a sad look.
Regulus felt his heart break. Any childish hope that this could just one day go away was gone. Sirius was right. As always.
"So you're like, gay, too? Didn't you date that girl for like a while? Olivia?" he said furrowing his brow.
"I'm bi. I like both." Sirius replied.
"Oh" Regulus replied, he pushed down the jealousy he felt, Sirius of course liked girls as well. Sirius could just marry some girl, and love her, and live a normal life, and Regulus couldn't just pretend. It was cruel to be with someone you don't love. Regulus knew that much. He'd learned that from his parents.
“I’m tired." Regulus whispered eventually leaning against the window.
"Sleep at the Potters tonight? I know you don't like them, but Effie and Monty would love to have you, and-"
"yeah whatever, I don't care" Regulus replied, his eyes shutting as his head rested.
"Okay" Sirius replied, he sent a quick text to James' parents, not really sure what to say.
The Potters lived about twenty minutes away from where they were stationed.
Sirius wasn't sure if he was more anxious now that he had Regulus safely in his car, or if he'd been more anxious when he didn't know what was wrong.
He felt a headache coming on.
The flashes of green 'go-lights' were easy to abide, but he wanted to speed. He wanted to get home. He wanted Regulus to fall asleep, and he wanted Euphemia and Fleamont to tell him he did a good job, and he wanted to be between Remus' arms where everything else seemed immaterial.
Sirius mulled over their conversation, over and over. He knew Regulus had gay friends. Rosier was gay- at least privately, Dorcas Meadowes was actively dating Marlene Mckinnon, and she and Regulus seemed to be quite friendly. He knew Regulus had always cared more about what their parents thought. He knew that Regulus was a perfectionist, and that the mere idea of not reaching a standard somebody else set for him was enough to make him panic. He knew that a young sensitive, quiet, and nervous Regulus had been called gay before he even really knew what it meant.
They'll send me away if I go back.
"Reg" Sirius said, his voice tight.
The boy stirred slightly.
"Reggie" Sirius called again, reaching over the seat and shaking his arm at the next stop sign.
"What?" Regulus said sitting up.
"When you said they'd send you away-"
"They said I could leave, or I could go to you know, therapy" Regulus said. He looked and sounded exhausted.
"Conversion therapy?" Sirius asked incredulously.
Regulus nodded. "I didn't want to go" he said. "I've read about it online before. It doesn't work, and I'd miss spring football-"
"Fuck Regulus as if those are the biggest problems with fucking conversion therapy." Sirius muttered. "I'm going to murder your parents" he hissed chewing biting down on his tongue to stop him from cussing them out any more. "As if they don't know what happens in those fucking places-"
Regulus shrugged. "Not much different from what happens at home"
"Things are pretty bad right now, hey?"
Regulus shrugged again.
No answer from Regulus was always an answer enough.
"I've known for a long time" Regulus then said glancing over at Sirius. "A really long time"
Sirius raised a brow. He hadn't even really considered it a possibility until he was fourteen, when he started developing feelings for Remus, and even then he hadn't been certain until he was fifteen at the earliest.
"Yeah how long?"
"Do you remember my friend Lucas?"
"Yeah you joined football because he played" Sirius replied furrowing his brow. "Oh"
Regulus nodded. "I figured it out then. But it was more like, a worry when I was younger, like I thought it was an intrusive thought I guess. Like from eight until I was twelve. I kissed a boy from church when I was twelve." Regulus murmured, speaking so quietly it took effort to hear his voice. "I've never told anybody any of this" he added.
"Well I'm glad- hold on Finley?" Sirius asked "Regulus he was my age!" Sirius protested.
Regulus shrugged a small smile tugging on his lip. "His dad caught him a few weeks later with another guy, some bloke from your school. That's why they moved out of London"
"That's dramatic" Sirius laughed. "How did Mother and Father, you know, find out about you?"
"Mother dug around my bedroom and read my diary from like year eight. She broke down sobbing, and then father flipped his shit" Regulus replied. "But I mean we all know dad always had his suspicions"
"I wish I'd known. I would've been kinder to you about it" Sirius replied.
Regulus shrugged "You were never one of the people who made me feel shit about it"
"I forgot how father used to say all of that" Sirius whispered into the air. The many creative and rude words for gay Orion could come up with had been exclusively used as an insult for Regulus when the two of them would fight. Never Sirius. And Sirius remembered the relief that flooded through him every time the insults weren't directed at him after he'd figured himself out. He remembered the anxiety that built in his chest, he remembered for a moment feeling as if Orion could read his mind, and then feeling relieved when it wasn't him, but it was Regulus at the receiving side of their father's cruelty. He felt sick thinking about a nine year old Regulus, who already knew, and a father full of unbacked suspicion.
Regulus shrugged again "Well it was all true, so"
Sirius sighed "Reg..." He tried not to think about when they were younger too much. He tried not to think about the bullies who called him the gay-one (and far harsher words for that), and he tried not to think about the times he himself had made cruel jokes about Regulus having crushes on his friends.
"I'm sorry that they're not better parents."
"Me too" Regulus replied.
"I'm sorry if I've been a shit brother" Sirius added.
"You're always there for me" Regulus answered.
Sirius cocked a brow up, "I left you there"
"You're there for me when it counts" he said softly, leaning his head back against the window.