A Few Confessions
Draco searched for what felt like hours, no sign of the chosen one anywhere. The more he looked for Harry, the more anger and worry boiled deep inside him.
Finally retreating to the place he knew the Gryffindor would be, he trudged up the winding stairs.
His hunch was dead on, seated on the wooden bench at the edge of the Astronomy tower was Harry.
The brunette was definitely not dressed for the winter weather they were experiencing, and Draco scoffed as he pulled his coat closer to his nose to keep himself warm. His hair was damp and beginning to freeze. He had no doubt taken a bath like Ron said.
“What’re you doing here?” Harry asked as Draco took a seat next to him with a huff, folding his arms to warm himself up.
He had a suspicion from the beginning that Harry was up to something, his quiet persona, his often disappearances.
Draco pulled out the vile from his pocket, placing it firmly on the bench. “What the fuck is this?”
Harry stared at the vile, an unreadable expression glued to his face. “I didn’t expect anyone to find that.”
“So it’s true, this is yours,” Draco scowled. His grimace softened when Harry looked out into the night sky, that plain look still on his face, which was now rather pale.
His body, which once trembled in the cold night, had stilled. His hands rested on his thighs, his breaths equal and quiet. Draco watched his chest rise and set slowly, a sort of calm resembling the once rapid wind.
Draco’s heartbeat rang in his ears, he heard nothing else. “What is it for?”
“Not for harming anyone, that much I can tell you,” Harry said calmly, still gazing out at the stars. Although he didn’t seem to be looking up at the night sky, but more so straight ahead, staring at nothing.
It frightened Draco. He’d never seen the boy so hallowed out. So hushed. “Then why? Why do you have poison hidden under your mattress?”
“It’s none of your concern,” Harry finally turned in Draco’s direction, a stern tone in his voice, although his face still read as empty. Draco frowned, looking down at the dark red liquid.
“Potter-.. Harry, I want to know,” Draco’s curiosity got the better of him. Harry was no longer looking at him, resuming his blank stare of nothing in front of him.
“No, Malfoy,” It didn’t come out stern or aggressive this time, instead sounding defeated. Harry looked exhausted, almost blank, like an empty white canvas.
“Please.”
The silence cut thin slices into the night sky. Draco felt himself holding his breath for fear of ruining his pleas, his body becoming used to the winter cold. The quiet atmosphere raced chills down his spine.
Harry took a slow inhale, almost lifeless. It was hard to tell whether or not his thoughts were still with him.
“I keep it in case,” He spoke, composing himself as his voice faltered. “In case I ever want to commit suicide, okay?”
The words didn’t register. They didn’t accumulate into Draco’s mind whatsoever. He had never thought he’d be hearing the word ‘suicide’ slip out of the chosen one’s mouth.
When Harry’s expression didn’t change, everything became clear. “You’re.. dear god, you’re serious.”
Harry’s gaze moved to the ground. Draco’s stomach twisted like a pretzel. All the questions and statements that piled in his mind couldn’t fight against the two words already pressed against his lips. “But why?”
“You wouldn’t exactly understand my reasoning for it, Malfoy,” Harry replied, brushing a loose strand of hair out of the way of his glasses.
“I could try,” Draco proposed gently, inching closer to the motionless boy next to him.
“It helps.”
That was it? That was his reasoning? Those simple words clicked a button inside the blonde, and he found himself unable to do what he quite literally just said he would.
“How the fuck does it help?!” Draco stood up, feeling a lump in his throat. Staring down at the boy he loathed, the boy he grew so jealous of, the boy he pestered and teased for so long, all he could feel was heartbreak.
The tremble in his lip only worsened when he saw how calm Harry remained, as if he didn’t just mentioned ending his own life.
“It helps.. knowing I have a way out,” Harry muttered lightly, feeling the sting of Draco’s glare.
“A way out from what?” Draco found his voice struggling against tears, his vision blurring in a watery haze.
“A way out from myself, my memories, my life. A way out from all these expectations people gave me, the pressure of it, I guess. A way out from everything.”
Draco swallowed a bucket of tears, feeling one or two damp his cheeks. They burned in the cold winter air.
“It just helps,” Harry repeated, hearing a hushed sniffle from the boy before him. Draco returned to his seat on the bench, a bit closer than before.
“But why poison? There’s plenty of ways, I suppose,” Draco followed Harry’s gaze outwards now, trying to understand his though process and see what he saw. “A noose, pills, spells. Why poison?”
“It just seemed like the best way, I suppose.”
“But Weasley, a-and Granger, they’d be devastated. You couldn’t just do that when so many people care about you,” Draco found his lips forming words he didn’t realize he meant.
“Ron and Hermione care about me, sure, but all the others? They care that I’m ‘Harry Potter, the chosen one.’ Otherwise they couldn’t give two shits about me.”
“That’s not true, Harry,” Draco moved closer, wanting to give him any sort of comfort or care but found himself helpless.
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’d rather die than find out,” He paused, rubbing a hand over his mouth as tears formed, yet his voice remained unaltered.
“I know I’m supposed to be this profit, this savior, but I’ve accomplished nothing in life, nothing that wasn’t already written in stone for me, and it kills me. I have no purpose.”
Harry took off his glasses as tears poured, unaffected by the fact he was silently crying. He placed his glasses on the other side of him, Draco being too close to place them where he’d first planned.
Draco shook his head, “If that’s what pains you so, then why die unaccomplished? Why not find a purpose?”
“Because it’s simply too late for me. I-..,” By now the tears began to pluck at his vocals. “I’ve tried to find meaning in my life and I.. I just can’t.”
Draco wiped another tear that froze on his chin, feeling the warmth of Harry’s body soothe him in contrast to the boy in question breaking him with his words.
“Y-you’re..” Harry swallowed, taking a shaky breath, “You’re the only person I’ve ever told this to.”
Draco wasn’t surprised, if he had ever mentioned this to Ron or Hermione they’d go ballistic, and if Dumbledore or Sirius were still alive they would have torn his entire bedroom just to make sure he wasn’t hiding anything. Like the bottle of poison.
When Draco remained silent, Harry finally acknowledged him with his eyes. They looked wary, ruined, defeated. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“I don’t know what to say, Harry.” Draco replied blankly. “Wanting to kill yourself, I don’t..”
Draco locked eyes with Harry once more, his feelings finally falling into place. “I say that’s selfish of you.”
“What? How is that selfish?”
“What the hell would I do with my time if you were no longer here?” Draco questioned, frustration mixed into his voice.
“Who would I constantly bicker with in class, who would I search for in the Great Hall, who would I be so jealous of yet never able to admit it?” Draco felt a soft blush grow on his frozen cheeks with that last one.
He knelt down in front of Harry, gripping the boy’s hands in his own trembling ones.
“I never imagined myself telling you this, Harry Potter, but you’re the only person who makes my lousy, miserable life the least bit bearable. For the longest time, you were the reason I got out of bed in the morning. Albeit sometimes it was simply just to pester you, yet even now, you’re still my motivation for leaving my dorm where I’m safe from the torment. You’re the reason I try in charms, and the reason I change my walking pattern from each class just so I can run into you and see that stupid smile on your face. I rearrange my schedule just to make sure you’re in it, even if for only a morsel of time, it makes my days here tolerable.”
He took a moment to catch his breath as the words sunk into Harry’s blood. Draco meant every word, every foolish feeling.
A minute or two passed, and Draco spoke once more. “If I didn’t have you, I’d be lost.”
Harry shook his head, avoiding Draco’s gaze. Before he could stop himself though, he gave Draco’s hands a gentle squeeze. “You’d be fine without me.”
“No I wouldn’t! I don’t really care for anybody else, just you,” Draco squeezed back, “You’re the only one I like.”
“Im sure t-that’s not true, Malf-“You bet your arse it is, I care about you. I’ve never cared about anyone before, but with you, I couldn’t help it.”
Harry’s eyes had wandered and found their place, locked with Draco’s. “Harry, I care about you the way one person cares for another whom one simply cannot live without.”
“What kind of Shakespeare was that?” Harry chuckled through sobs, feeling another squeeze of Draco’s hands, blush creeping upon his cheeks. He never realized just how soft his pale skin was.
Draco let go of Harry’s hands, sitting down next to him on the bench once more, now shoulder to shoulder.
“Why did you never tell me that before?” Harry asked hesitantly, wiping some more tears. Draco felt another warm blush wipe over him, taking a deep breath.
“Because.. we weren’t friends before.”
Harry glanced at the Slytherin, a soft almost unnoticeable smile curling on his thin lips. Draco reciprocated it, feeling somewhat happy with himself for being so vulnerable in that moment.
“Well I.. I care about you too, Draco,” Harry leaned his head upon Draco’s shoulder, finally glancing up at the twinkling stars brightening the cold winter night.
“You give my life purpose, Harry, and maybe..” He reluctantly wrapped an arm around him, “maybe that’s enough, because that’s just about the greatest gift one person can give another, is it not?”
Draco was startled by the warm hug Harry swiftly gave him, wrapping his arms tightly around him. After a moment of processing it, he returned the embrace, hugging Harry back just as close. His heart fluttered, he could have spent eternity like this and he wouldn’t complain for a moment.
Harry gently pulled away from him, a soft smile placed on his lips.
“Thank you.”