Maybe if Regulus Black was a bigger piece of shit, he wouldn’t have gotten his feelings, heart maybe, hurt. It would be better if he was just like his parents or every other pureblood his brother and him held such a deep abhorrence for. Maybe he wouldn’t have shown up at the stupid Gryffindor party, and just maybe he wouldn’t known better.
Remus had invited him. The two weren’t really friends, unless you counted quiet study next to each other as companionship. Tensions were high between Regulus and his brother. Things had begun to be difficult when the two brothers grew old enough to have opinions. Fight back and make them suffer or be quiet and compliment, they just might forget you. Regulus wished the hurt of losing his brother hadn’t effected him as much as it did. He wished he cared as little as his parents had when he ran away.
Regulus barely felt tipsy, just the tiniest buzz in the back of his mind. James looked about the same as him. Hair slightly out of place, a huge smile on his face. One that got wider when the two locked eyes time and time again.
The boy assumed James had about the same to drink as he had. It was less of assumption and more of an observation; he had been watching the older boy for most of the night.
They talked, danced, and parted ways, but somehow found themselves face to face again. There was a pull between the two, a pull that was too dark to take much notice too. Regulus showed up to maybe fix the rift between his brother and him, but he would settle for whatever was going on. He didn’t expect such a reaction from Potter at a party, why wouldn’t he let it play out?
-
“Are you sure no one will come?” Regulus said nervously as he watched the other close the dorm entrance.
“It’s barely twelve,” He reasoned, walking over to Regulus’ place on his bed, “No one’s coming up for at least two hours.”
Regulus said nothing, but nodded. He then smiled at the eyes he found himself knowing more and more. The alcohol in his system may have eroded some of his steadiness and common sense, but James looked all the same. Beautiful, handsome, comforting. Regulus always came back. Even if none of them knew what was going on. Action and implication seemed to suffice.
“Can I kiss you?” James asked.
“Yes.”
An excitement rose in Regulus’ chest. Blame it on the alcohol. The pair had kissed many a time, maybe even a little more, but he lit up. A kiss to him was everything. That’s when he felt James’ voice in his head, whispering sweet nothings. Promises of time, care, whatever he wanted. No such things had ever been said; Regulus’ tipsy brain blurred the lines in a way that his sober brain would never allow. With clear sound and mind, he would never let himself fall so deep in the delusion.
They kissed softly. James had one hand on Regulus’ neck, the other on his waist, pulling him ever so closer until they overlapped. Regulus’ legs lay comfortably on the other’s lap, his arms lazily around James’ shoulders. They both knew it shouldn’t go far, and both seemed content in that. Regulus thought he would be content in anything that James Potter would give him.
Stopping to catch his breath, Regulus pulled back. James pulled him closer yet again, but rested their foreheads against each other; they shared breath with loose smiles graced upon their lips. James let a hand come up to trace Regulus’ soft lips with his thumb. It was a motion of comfort he had developed in the past few months of their… fling.
James let the two of them fall over to lay on his sheets. The loud sounds of music below thumped quiet and rhythmically. They didn’t need it though. The two of them could be happy just sitting in each others company. At least that’s what they assumed. Both caught themselves wrapped up in thoughts.
“I wish you were a girl.”
Regulus’ core froze.
The older boy stared straight at the ceiling, “My parents want me to settle down with a nice girl and have a family. I wouldn’t mind having a wife, I would love having a family. My parents would love it. They would be so proud. Maybe the world would turn more smoothly.”
“Maybe,” Regulus quietly tried his best to breathe.
“Maybe,” James agreed, “Perhaps your parents would be happy marrying you off to my family. We’re well-off pure bloods and surely have enough connections to satisfy them. You and me could sit in a little house and do whatever we wanted really; I wouldn’t care as long as we were together. How great would that be. In an easier world. So very simple.”
“Very simple I suppose.”
James finally turned his head to find a boy with tears in his eyes, “Oh please don’t cry! I didn’t ever mean to make you cry,” Lack of inhibition told him to hold Regulus.
Regulus didn’t reject the contact, but tears streamed faster, “You’ve broken my heart James. I have deluded myself into thinking you love me. How stupid I look now.”
“No you’re not stupid!” James kissed his forehead, “I won’t deny any feelings for you. You know how complicated it is. Your parents, mine. Sirius. Nobody wants us to be together.”
“I know.”
“There are things that I wish to give you, but I know I shouldn’t. Should I even care Regulus? What does reputation even mean to me. Tell me. Tell me I shouldn’t care and I won’t. I won’t thinking about my parents crushed dreams or how everyone at this school will think of me.”
“Oh James,” Regulus pulled the other boy closer into a tight embrace, “I’m a little tipsy, but I don’t want you to care.”
“Then I-“
“But that is selfish of me.”
“Regulus?” James was suddenly cold, laying on a bed all by himself.
“I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I do find myself loving you. I don’t know how that fits into the world, our world as we know it to be.”
Regulus left the dorm. No one timed an eye has he exited the party, tears threatening to leave his eyes yet again.