And On We Go

Lily felt bad about what happened at dinner. Although Lily felt bad about her actions in general lately. She owed everyone around her about a million apologies each. 

Remus and Arthur had herded everyone out into the living room a while ago, but Molly had remained in the kitchen. Lily had seen the scrub brush aggressively washing dishes by itself when they had arrived earlier, so she knew Molly did not need to remain in there. 

Lily felt drawn to go back into the kitchen after spending at least fifteen minutes pretending to care what James and Arthur were idly chatting about. She saw Molly, a dish and rag in hand, standing at the sink. 

“Molly?” She called, knocking on the doorframe. 

“Lily, dear! What can I help you with?” Molly asked, startled at the sound of her voice. 

“I wanted to apologize for ruining dinner,” Lily said, wringing her hands and moving to lean against the counter beside her. 

“Nonsense, dear. That lot finds something to argue about every night. You’re alright,” Molly said kindly as she dried a plate. 

“Still,” Lily said with a shrug, letting the conversation drop as she watched Molly scrub at a particularly stuck piece of food on a plate. 

Molly slowly set the dish beside her, glancing sideways at Lily, “Harry’s a good boy.” She glanced back at the dish in her hand and continued to speak, “He’s such a sweet boy, really quiet, and awfully stubborn. A bit of a temper, that one,” She laughed and set another dish aside, “But, we wouldn’t have him any other way.” 

“He sounds lovely,” Lily said, twisting her fingers, looking at the dishes in Molly’s hand and avoiding her gaze. 

Molly smiled at her, “He is.” 

“I’m sorry if I’ve been abrasive,” Lily says, looking down at her hands, intertwining her fingers, “I’m trying not to be, but I must admit I’m a bit jealous,” Lily laughed slightly at herself, brushing her hair off her shoulder. 

Molly laughed, using the rag to dry her hands before placing it on the sink, “Oh, dear. You have nothing to be jealous of. That boy is thrilled you’re here.” 

Lily bit her lip, “I don’t know if that’s true” 

Molly tsked her tongue, “It is, believe me. Give it time, love.” Molly smiled at her, “Should we go save James from whatever conversation Arthur has surely roped him into by now?” 

Lily laughed, dropping her hands, “Yes.” 

As hard as she tried, she couldn’t stop the envy in her chest from gnawing at her. Ignoring it the best she could, she followed Molly back into the living room. 

Lily knocked carefully on Ron’s door before pushing it open slightly. Lily’s face softened at seeing Harry lying in bed, book propped open in his hands, with Ron snoring away beside him, George still occupying the other twin bed across the room. 

“Hello, love. Ready for bed?” Lily asked, moving to kneel beside Harry. Harry blinked at her slowly and then shifted his gaze over to James behind her. It reminded her of an old cat, assessing if it desired to be petted. 

He nodded minutely, “Just reading a bit,” He awkwardly held up his book to show the cover while keeping it open to his page. 

“Sheesh,” James let out a whistle, kneeling beside Lily, “Dark Arts? That’s some hefty bedtime reading, kid.” 

“It’s for a project,” Harry says quickly, closing the book and letting his thumb keep the page. 

“Alright, well, try not to stay up too late, hmm?” Lily said, reaching out to smooth out Harry’s hair. 

“Sure,” Harry said briskly. 

Lily sighed, “Sleep well, love,” Lily leaned forward to kiss him on the head, “Come get us if you need anything, alright?” 

“Mum’s boring; stay up all night reading,” She heard James whisper to Harry before kissing him on the head. At the look on her face, he put one hand on his hip and wagged his finger, “Go to bed.” 

“I will,” Harry said, clutching his book close. 

“Sleep well, kiddo,” James called, throwing Harry a wink as he shut the door. Lily could hear his soft laugh through the cracked door. 

“Bedtime, love,” James said, rubbing her shoulder as he guided her to the stairs. 

“Oh?” Lily raised an eyebrow, “What happened to ‘stay up all night.’” 

“That’s for the kids,” He said with a shrug, “You know, you only live once and all that. Fortunately, we have the unique experience of living more than once. Been there, done that. Death takes a lot out of you, and I would like to sleep.” 

Lily chuckled, “You’re only twenty-one, James.” To be honest, she also wanted to sleep desperately. She had a feeling as soon as her head hit the pillow, she would be out for a bit. 

He scoffed, “I feel so much older than that.” 

If she felt like admitting it to herself, she did too. They were still only twenty-one, and their infant baby was closer to them in age than they were to their oldest friend. So young, but somehow, still so old. 

James stopped halfway down the stairs on the landing there and slowly cracked open the door to Charlie’s old room. Lily leaned to the side to look around his shoulder. Dudley was curled up, his back to the wall, and the pillow clutched tight. His snores filled the otherwise silent room. James pulled the door shut carefully. Tonks’s words echoed in Lily’s head. 

What were they going to do with him? 

Dinner made it very clear that he couldn’t stay here. Lily knew what it felt like to live in a house where you were hated. She wouldn’t put either of the boys through that long-term. Although, Ron’s words wouldn’t leave her brain. 

The Weasleys were good people. Fabian and Gideon were quite a bit older than she was, but they’d seen each other in passing at meetings. They spoke of their little sister and her husband fondly. She knew the twins to be good people after a few days in close proximity, and they only spoke highly of their brother’s loyalty to her son. It was clear that she was missing something here. 

Lily still didn’t know what her sister and Vernon did to Harry. Who knows what actually happened in that house all those years? 

Well, Lily stopped herself; there were two boys in her care who knew very well what had happened. Once again, Lily felt out of the loop in this new reality. Lily would never be anything but grateful Death gave her and James another chance to be in Harry’s life, but Lily felt like she’d been treading water for days. She was fighting to keep afloat, and it seemed she would never catch up. 

The world had moved on without them, an expected change, but it was still harder to stomach than she would care to admit. 

“Ah, just like the good ol’ days,” James said as he began to pull the extraneous pillows off of Bill’s old bed, “Remember the old flat in Camden? The twin bed?” He said with a laugh, pulling back the duvet. 

“Yes, and I also remember Padfoot shoving his way into that tiny bed with us on more than one occasion,” She said, crawling to lie against the wall. 

“Oh, come on, you know he gets lonely,” James teased, flopping into the bed beside her. 

Lily felt her lungs constrict. Sirius did get lonely. He must’ve been so lonely; all that loneliness and all those years he suffered just to die. It wasn’t right. 

James’s smile slipped off his face, and he reached over to wipe the tear off her cheek with his thumb, “I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Lily said softly, turning into his palm, “No, that’s a good memory,” She forced a smile onto her face, “I miss my facemask buddy.” 

James scrunched his face in mock annoyance, “Ugh, you two and your skincare.” 

“Excuse you, our skincare routine was immaculate.” 

“It was ridiculous.” 

“So that’s a no to facemasks before bed every night?” Lily smiled, more real this time. 

“Hard pass, my love.” 

“That’s fine,” Lily curled up beside him, wrapping an arm across his stomach, “I’m sure 

Harry will do them with me.” 

James’s chest rumbled in Lily’s ear as he laughed, “Good luck, tell me how that goes.” 

Lily’s smile slipped off her face, “We need to do something, James.”

She felt him sigh, “I know. His face, standing in front of Dudley like that…I’m worried about him.” 

“He’s never going to tell us about it,” Lily said, closing her eyes and chewing on her bottom lip, “I know my sister hurt him. I just know it.”

James’s voice was pinched, “I want to hope for the best, but…” 

“You didn’t see his room, James. It was awful,” Lily turned to look at him, her chin propped on his chest, “There were four locks on the outside of the door, and there was a cat flap.” 

“What?” James looked at her, jaw tight. 

She nodded, “I can’t even imagine what they did to him. Dudley said something to me last night, too.” 

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm. She said that his mum was ‘wrong about a lot of things.’” 

James’s eyebrows pulled together, “What could that mean?” 

“I have no idea,” Lily whispered. 

They sat in silence for a moment, mulling over their thoughts. 

“Why don’t we focus on one thing at a time,” James finally spoke up, reaching up to run a hand through his hair, “Let’s get the kids to Hogwarts safely, and then we can figure out a more solid plan. We can talk to Remus more this week and see if he knows anything more about Harry’s life. Once Mad-Eye gets here, he’ll have a plan for an order meeting. We’ll go to the meeting, find out what’s going on with You-Know-Who, and then we’ll go from there.”

“If Mad-Eye ever gets here,” Lily whispered, mouth twisting. 

“I can’t think like that yet,” James whispered back. 

“Alright,” Lily said, reaching out to hold his hand and intertwine their fingers. 

“In the meantime, we’ll make sure Harry’s never alone. We’ll never leave his side again,” James laid their hands on his stomach. 

“Never,” Lily reiterated. 

“I love you, Lily,” He said, smiling down at her. 

“I love you, James,” she smiled at him, laying her head back down on his chest. 

As it would turn out, sticking beside Harry was easier said than done. Despite the Burrow’s small structure, Harry had years of learning all it’s hiding spots, and he was utilizing them to their fullest. Lily and James both, on several occasions, had seen glimpses of him across the room, but when they tried to reach him, he had disappeared. Remus mentioned that Harry had James’s invisibility cloak, and he was most likely holed up in a corner reading. 

It still made Lily’s chest ache to have him out of sight for even a moment. 

Despite her brief conversation with Molly in the kitchen the first night, the jealousy did not abate as she had hoped. Molly managed to whittle out all the little moments with Harry that Lily couldn’t seem to begin to have. She always knew where Harry was, and she was fantastic at making him stay in a room. 

Today’s topic of conversation unnerved her, though. Lily was aware that she and James had missed a lot, dying and all, but it was always as soon as she thought she had her footing she found herself getting whiplash. 

Molly cornered Harry after breakfast, conning him into helping her and Lily fold the laundry.

“Ron and Hermione have got it in their heads that the three of you will be dropping out of Hogwarts,” Molly said, folding a shirt and setting it on the table in front of them. 

Harry froze, the trousers in his hands half folded, arms still extended. He briefly glanced over at her before looking back at Molly and continuing to fold his trousers, “That’s because we are.” 

Lily had not expected that. She wanted to jump in and ask why, but Molly beat her to it. She watched as Harry twisted at his hoody strings as he stumbled through attempting to answer. He was incredibly vague about the whole thing, and Harry’s sideways glances led her to believe it was because of her. If Lily said it didn’t sting that Harry was being dishonest because of her, she would be lying. 

Later that day, she caught James in a rare moment away from Remus. 

“Did you know Harry was dropping out of Hogwarts?” 

The happy, dopey smile James had upon seeing her slipped off his face, “What?” 

“Everything alright?” Remus asked, walking up to them, coffee mug in hand. 

They both turned to him instantaneously, tripping over their words to speak platitudes over each other. Remus simply raised an eyebrow at them. 

James pauses, fidgeting with his hands before reaching over to pat Remus on the shoulder, “Give us a moment, Moony, will you?” 

Remus eyes them both suspiciously before shrugging, “Sure. I’ll wait in the other room.” He gestured to Molly’s sitting room with his thumb over his shoulder. 

James turned back to her, “What happened?” He asked, his voice strained. 

Lily told him everything Harry said, James’s face becoming more pained as she continued to speak. 

“What should we do? Should we try to ask him?” Lily asked, wringing her hands. 

“I’m not sure,” James sighed, “Would he even tell us the truth?” 

The silence that lingered between the two of them made the answer to that question a resounding no. 

“Have you seen him much?” Lily asked quietly, crossing her arms in a self-soothing way. 

James’s face twisted up, guilt in every feature, “No. Not other than dinner and before bed.” 

Lily ground her teeth, “Me either. It’s only been a few days,” She drug her hands down her face, “How are we messing up this badly already?” 

James sighed, running his hand through his hair, and admitted quietly, “I asked Moony.” 

Lily pulled her eyebrows together and bit the inside of her cheek, “What did he say?” 

James’s jaw tightened, and he glanced over his shoulder and looked down the hall behind Lily. He looked back at her, “It’s bad, Lily. He wouldn’t tell me everything, but…”

“What he said was enough,” She finished his sentence, resigned. 

“Yeah,” James sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“We need a new plan, this isn’t working.”

“Let me talk to him,” James said, “Maybe I can get him to open up.”

Lily nodded. James hugged her, resting his chin on her head.