Chapter 5
Sirius didn't stay for Peter's trial. He never wanted to look at his face again because if he did he'd probably kill him.
The next day the Daily Prophet told him everything he needed to know, Peter Pettigrew was up for the dementors kiss. He was glad, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel his sink crawl up with fear when he read the news.
Later the same day he got a letter from Molly giving him more details about Peter's court. He too was given truth potion and conferenced to everything easily, almost pridefully. Him being responsible for the murderers, framing Remus, being an illegal animagus and more.
Apparently he was so willing to talk he didn't stop at his own secrets. He exposed Sirius and James for being illegal animagi too… he also spoke of the true nature of Sirius' and Remus' relationship.
But Sirius didn't care, it didn't matter. All that mattered now was that Remus was free and with him.
Remus had nowhere else to go so he lived with him now. Sirius gave him the spare bedroom downstairs next to the kitchen. Remus was finally able to take a warm bath, he was finally able to change from his dirty ragged prison uniform and he was finally able to sleep in an actual comfortable bed.
The night that Remus got home was the first night in days that Sirius rested in his sleep.
Days passed by, Sirius cut Remus’ gray filled hair and Remus shaved his unkempt beard. He bought him a cane to help with his messed up knee and back problems. Them and Harry all ate together. He imagined that with time everything would work out.
But with every day that passed Sirius had this feeling that Remus did everything in his power to avoid him. Remus didn't talk. He was distant. Anytime they had to interact with one another Remus would make it as short as possible and lock himself in his room after. And Sirius couldn't blame him for any of that. But still it hurt all the same.
Harry wasn't really happy with the new conditions either. He had a lot of questions and he'd never speak to Remus, Sirius was pretty sure he was afraid of him. On the third day Remus was with them Harry asked when he would leave.
“Sirius, when is Remus gonna go to his own home?”
Sirius was stunned by the question, he had never stopped to consider if Harry and Remus would get along. He felt so stupid but tried to give the best answer he could.
“Remus doesn't have a home. That's why he is staying with us and he will stay for as long as he needs and wants to.”
Harry wasn't pleased with that answer.
“Can't he find somewhere else to go? I don't want him here, I want to be just me and you again!”
Sirius felt guilty, he felt so guilty. How hadn't he thought of this happening?
“... Look Harry. Remus has been through a lot of bad things and he is my friend, can you try to be kind to him?”
Harry pouted his lip and walked away mumbling.
“It doesn't look like you are very good friends to me.”
*
*
*
Then the day of the full moon came and with it Remus and Sirius’ first fight ever since he came back.
“No! You are not going to come with me.” Remus yelled.
“But I can help you!” Sirius shouted back.
“I don't want you to come! And I don't need help! And besides, where would you leave Harry?”
“I can find someone to look after Harry. But why don't you want me with you?”
“Fucking hell, I just don't! Now leave.”
“Fine! Have it your fucking way then!” Sirius yelled and stormed off into his room.
The rest of the day he didn't see Remus. In the late evening he heard a distinct clacking sound coming from downstairs, Remus had apparated. And Sirius was going to go too.
He was prepared for this. Three years ago McGonagall had promised him she'd be there for him if he ever needed anything and this was it. He had written her a letter two days ago asking for her to watch Harry while he'd be gone, she had accepted.
Not even ten minutes after Remus left there was a knock on his door. He let McGonagall in. She had a worried expression in her face, Sirius took her hands in his.
“Thank you for doing this.” he said earnestly.
“I keep my word, Sirius.”
Harry was standing on the end of the staircase shyly and curiously looking over at them. Sirius went over to him.
“Hey buddy, this is one of my old professors from school, Ms McGonagall. She will watch over you, only for the night.” Sirius looked into his bright green eyes.
Harry stayed quiet while his eyes flicked from McGonagall to him.
“... Look I'm sorry, I'm very sorry that I can't be here with you but Remus needs my help, I'll be back when you wake up. I promise I'm going to make it up to you.”
Harry wrapped his arms around Sirius and whispered into his ear.
“Please don't leave for long.”
Sirius hugged him back tight. Once they broke off each other Sirius kissed the top of his head and ruffled his black messy hair.
“I love you so much buddy.”
And then it was time to leave. He got his wand out, even though he couldn't know for sure where Remus had gone, he had some ideas of where he might be. He pictured the place in his mind and with a clack he was gone.
He felt like he was being twisted around in the air for a few seconds until he felt earth beneath his feet again. He opened his eyes to see he was surrounded by trees and a dark gray sky.
He stayed silent and unmoving waiting for a sign off Remus - well by now the wolf would be out. A few moments passed in silence but then sure enough he heard howling.
He transformed into Padfoot and ran towards the noise. He ran deeper and deeper into the
forest following the cries until he was standing before a giant gray and brown wolf running and howling. As soon as the wolf laid eyes on him the howling stopped, he took some steps back and growled, warning him to stay back. He didn't recognize him.
Sirius shyly tried to approach him so he could smell he was his old friend. The wolf still didn't let his guard down, just bared his teeth and growled even louder. Sirius froze into place. Then out of the blue the wolf ran to him ready to attack.
Sirius didn't have time to move out of the way; he had barely any time to react at all. Suddenly he fell on to the soil crying out in pain while the wolf ran away. Sirius’ vision got blurry and felt a sharp pain underneath his rib cage- he smelled blood.
A few minutes passed with Sirius on the ground slowly bleeding. From within the forest he heard footsteps approaching. Sirius lifted his head from the ground, between the tree branches there were the reflective eyes of the wolf staring back at him.
Sirius stayed deadly still, he fucked up once by moving… But the wolf seemed calm, he walked right up to him and smelled- then he realized. He started nuzzling his head in Sirius and liking his face, he smelled him more happy to have his friend there. The wolf licked the bleeding wound he had left on Padfoot, suddenly it didn't hurt as much anymore and the bleeding stopped quickly after. Sirius knew that werewolves' saliva had healing abilities, he didn't imagine it would be this quick.
They stayed together for the entire night, happily running around the forest and howling at the moon. The wolf felt safer with Padfoot by his side.
Then the dawn started to break. Remus’ bones snapped back into a human's horrid noise and cries came out of him, no matter how many times he had heard them they never ceased to terrify him. Remus collapsed to the ground unconscious.
Sirius changed back into a human too and ran to Remus' side and held him in his arms. He saw the colors of the shy change form a light gray into pinks and yellows all the while waiting patiently for Remus to wake up. He looked into the sky so he wouldn't look at the naked body he was holding.
It was different before the war, he thought to himself, Sirius could look at Remus all he wanted and more, because they were together and in love… Simpler times.
But now, he had no idea what to call their relationship, he had no idea how to categorize what was going on between them. They weren't together, obviously… they weren't exactly friends either at this point.
Sirius glanced at Remus but took his gaze away immediately after. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and the ever so familiar tightening of his throat- he felt guilt.
Guilt because his “friend” was lying unconscious in his arms and if he were to look at him the only thing he would think about was the scar crossing the curve of his collarbone and how much he wanted to touch it. Or his hands and how much he missed them being around him… How can he be so fucking selfish?
He needed to get over whatever desperate, greedy feelings he still had for Remus. It wasn't right to have them no after what he did to him.
Then Remus moved. His eyes slowly opened and fell on Sirius, he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before understanding.
“I thought I told you not to come with me. ” he murmured.
Sirius would have gotten defensive if he didn't see the smallest smile crack in the corner of his lips.
“Of course I did.” he smiled back.
“Of course you did.”
He helped Remus get up, they found Remus’ clothes and wand, at the hollow of a tree where he used to put them. Remus dressed himself. Sirius looked up, by then the sky was pale blue.
“How did it feel?” Sirius broke the silence and asked. “You know, turning- outside.”
“... It felt like I could breathe again. This is the most free I've felt in years… Just waking up without any scars feels liberating.” That was probably the most Sirius had heard Remus talk ever since his court.
Sirius remembered the wound hiding behind his shirt. If Remus didn't remember then Sirius would never bring it up to him.
“Do you remember anything from last night?”
“Um, no, not much. Why?”
“Nothing.”
Sirius was pleased that he was able to have a conversation with Remus, short as it was it still felt like an accomplishment. Maybe, with time, they would be able to rebuild a friendship.
They got back home to a neat living room and noise coming from the kitchen. They walked in the room to find plates being washed, a broom sweeping the floor, eggs and bacon being cooked and in the middle of the room McGonagall operating the whole of it.
“Minerva?” Sirius spoke out, astonished at the sight.
“Boys!”
She ran up to them and started examining their faces.
“Are you two alright? Did anyone get hurt?” she said, still examining.
“We are fine professor.” Remus responded calmly.
Her mouth tightened looking at Remus. In her eyes he could see hurt he was all too familiar with. She tried to say something but everytime she would open her mouth she would close it back up again in regret.
“... I cannot describe… just how wrong I was. I'm unbelievably sorry, my boy.” She tried to keep her voice even and calm despite that it would still break, each time it did felling like a punch to his heart. Sirius had never seen her this way before.
She looked up at Remus with watery eyes all the while still trying her best to keep her composure.
“I'm not expecting anything from you. I just had to say something.”
Remus stayed quiet. He just opened his arms and hugged her.
Something in Sirius shattered… How? How could this man go through this much pain in his life and still have this much kindness in him? And how could Sirius ever expect anything from him when he is so selfish?
*
*
*
McGonagall left soon after, the day passed unremarkably and Sirius couldn't wait for the end of it. At least he learned that Harry and McGonagall got along well enough and if ever needed her again she'd be there.
Finally, after putting Harry to bed Sirius hoped he would be able to get some rest too. That hope was false as once he laid down finally alone with the only sound surrounding him being his own breathing he realized that a weight he felt in his heart that morning never went away.
He wished more than anything for things to go back to how they were, when he was just a stupid teenager and everything was perfect. More than that he wished James could be there by his side. Desperately, at times like this he would talk in his head for hours having pretend conversations with himself and acting as if it were James talking back. It was honestly kind of pathetic but he needed it.
‘I can't do this anymore…’
‘Aw mate, what's wrong?’ James' sweet voice filled Sirius' mind.
‘It feels like everything is going to shit and I cannot find a way to fix any of it.’
‘... Well, you've never been much of a fixer upper.’
‘Yeah, I know… I mostly fuck up everything.’
‘Not -everything- , but you do have one hell of a track record.’
‘... Tell me about it.’
Out of the blue a terrifying question came to face him, he couldn't look away from, couldn't bury down in his mind. Where he is standing in front of a dementor it'd be one and the same.
‘... James… Did… Did I get you killed…’
There was no answer.
Ever since he learned the truth of who the true tractor was this terror of a question would flicker in his thoughts, cold and sharp like a blade stabbing him. He never had the courage to think about it. As quickly as it appeared he would shut it down and think of something else, another less petrifying, noxious matter.
Oh if he wasn't so selfish, if he didn't have this unending ego. His fucking ego… He thought he was so smart to change Peter to the secret keeper and tell no one. Who would ever suspect good hearted, funny, simple Peter? …Not even him apparently.
And James didn't want to change. When Sirius suggested and insisted they should do it, just the night before they left, James almost slapped him. And he was right- he was so right.
He reached out to the drawer on his nightstand where he had put away a pack of cigarettes. He took it and went downstairs, he opened the backward door and stepped outside. Although it was mid April the night air was cold and sharp. His bare feet touched the damp grass, he felt the cold breeze on his naked back and chest making the hairs in his body stand up. He wished it were colder.
He wanted to smoke the whole pack, to the point of feeling sick. He wanted to tremble and go numb from the cold. And he would let himself go back into the warmth of the house, not until he couldn't take it anymore.
He put a cigarette in his mouth and with a snap of his fingers it was lit. He had given up smoking, or at least tried his best, once he got Harry… oh Harry. How was he ever supposed to look him in the eyes again with a clear heart?
One cigarette…Two cigarettes… Three. By then his head hurt and his throat felt hoarse, he wanted to lay down. His feet hurt from the cold, he had started trembling. But he wouldn't let himself stop or go in the house. He didn't deserve it.
He was about to light a fourth cigarette when from in the house he heard a scream. Immediately he threw everything on the ground and ran inside and into Remus' room.
“Remus!”
On the bed he saw Remus petrified with fear, breathing rapidly. He hadn't seen him like this since they were children at Hogwarts and his night terrors were common.
“You are okay. You are safe.” he said with the best calm voice he could manage.
He held his hand and turned his face to look at him. He breathed in and out deep breaths for Remus to do the same. Remus’ eyes moved hastily around the room until they fell on Sirius and he started mimicking him breathing, finally he calmed down enough to come back to reality.
“It's okay, you're okay” Sirius quietly assured him.
“T- thank you.” He breathed out. He still was holding on to his hand, Sirius wasn't sure if he was aware of it. Despite him knowing better he felt grateful for this contract.
They stayed quiet for a couple moments, Sirius letting Remus regain his cool. Until Remus spoke out.
“... You are cold.” He turned and looked at their still locked together hands. He brought their hands close to his face, Sirius’ fingers stunk of cigarettes and he knew Remus could smell it on them.
Sirius took his hand away. He could feel Remus’ eyes on him, but he avoided looking back. Instead he looked at the floor like a child after doing something they weren't supposed to and that's how he felt.
He waited for a question he wouldn't answer to, instead he heard a gasp.
“Sirius what is that?” Remus' voice was filled with worry.
In an instant he realized what he was talking about. The scar, fuck! How could he be so fucking stupid.
Sirius scrambled his brain to find an excuse, a lie, something to say but there was nothing believable.
“... Did… Did I do this to you?” Remus had gone pale and his voice was low and thick while his eyes were fixed on the red wound on Sirius’ side.
“It- it's not your fault, really! It was me. I swear.” Sirius tried to convince him, it was the truth after all, but he might as well be speaking to the wall.
“Leave… Please leave.” Words colder than the wind outside.
There was no bargaining here. And no way to get through to him. So he did as he was told.