Chapter 6
Two weeks had passed since the incident with the scar and things had somehow gotten even worse.
The times Sirius had seen Remus he could count in one hand. All of them brief moments of cold silence before he would lock himself in his room again.
No matter how much Sirius tried time and time again to explain that he was to blame and that Remus did nothing wrong, nothing could get through to him.
Even Harry despite his dislike for Remus got worried. Asking if he were sick.
The only reason Sirius knew he was not gone or dead was because he would always leave a plate of food for him on the kitchen table. When he would return the plate would be empty.
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One day Sirius woke up with an itching urge to go through his old stuff in the attic.
So he went upstairs one by one he brought down to his room dusty boxes filled with things from all periods of his life. Things that he treasured too much to throw away but were too painful to have around.
The last box was hidden in a corner. When he had packed it he felt unending resentment from himself and his inability to get rid of everything inside, he had sworn never to open it. Now he was very glad he had kept everything. It was Remus' box. It was filled with everything that had of him.
He kneeled down to the dirty floor and brought the box close and opened it, he didn't want to wait. Despite his promise he had put a protective spell around it to keep everything intact, struck in time exactly how he wanted things to be.
First things to see were scattered pictures of him from all ages. Thirteen-year-old Remus with a fresh scar on his lips reading on his bed. Fifteen-year-old Remus at the stands of the quidditch court flipping off the camera. Seventeen -year-old Remus blowing out the candles to his birthday cake. Seventeen-year-old Remus sleeping in Sirius’ bed. Nineteen-year-old Remus in James and Lily’ wedding. Twenty-year-old Remus just smoking a cigarette. And so many more.
Inside was a book he had gifted to Sirius, letters they had exchanged through summers, some old records of his favorite music. At the bottom of the box there was one of his sweaters.
He took it in his hands. It was soft to the touch and forest green matching Remus' eyes. He brought it closer to his face, taking in its scent. It was exactly how he remembered, oh how he had missed it.
He had missed so many things about Remus. His smell, his humor, his accent, the evenings at home with low music filling the room and Remus with a book in one hand and a cigarette on the other. He missed the taste of him, the weight of him on top of his body. He missed waking up next to him in the mornings and laying in bed with him until noon.
The most disheartening part is that he was right there. Remus was in the same home as him but Sirius wouldn't dare tell him how he felt, not after all the shit he was put through because of him.
So he would let his desires, hopefully, fade out over time. But for now he let himself drown in the smell of the sweater, letting his mind go back to old memories.
After a while he went downstairs to his room where he had put the rest of the boxes. He started to go through them. Old clothing, textbooks filled with doodles, more records, his record player and of course photo albums.
As he was about to open the first album he heard a knock on his door. It was Harry looking down at the ground and shyly tugging at his shirt.
“Sirius, I'm lonely… Can I be with you?” Harry shot up a hopeful glance at Sirius.
His heart felt heavy when he said that. It's true he wasn't taking the best care of Harry ever since this whole thing had started. He ought to do better.
“Of course. Come, sit with me.”
He put down the photo album as he was already feeling emotional and he didn't want Harry to see him like this.
He decided to go for something more cheerful, he put his hand on top of the record player.
“Harry, do you know what this is?”
The rest of their noon was spent setting up the record player and making pasta and cookies with music. The excitement that filled Harry's face once he saw the record spin and the music following it was like medicine to Sirius’ melancholy.
As always he put a plate of food for Remus to take and by its side two of their most normal looking cookies. Naively he had hoped that the sound of the music would have brought him out of his room, it didn't.
Nevertheless he continued his day. It was probably the happiest day he had in awhile. He saw Harry dance around and draw pictures that ended up on the fridge. Eventually Harry wore himself out and slept on the couch.
Sirius carefully took him in his arms and brought him up stairs and tucked him in bed, never forgetting to kiss the top of his head. As he was closing the door to his room he saw the door to his half open and remembered the things he still hadn't seen.
He sat back down on his bed, he took it up for the ground from in it slipped out a letter. Sirius looked at it confused, it seemed unopened. Turning it around revealed it was from Regulus.
His heart dropped to his stomach. He had totally forgotten about that letter. Regulus had sent it to him just a month before he had died… tears had started to make their way into his eyes and down his cheeks. Those were the last words Regulus had for Sirius and he had forgotten about it.
He recalled the day he had received it. He got so furious just at the sight of it, his death eater brother dared to write to him. He wanted to tear it up, burn it but in the end he didn't have the heart to go through with it. Instead he hid it somewhere and forced himself to take his mind off of it.
He carefully and slowly tore it open. He held the paper in his shaky hands and read.
November 18 1979
Sirius, I don't know if you are ever going to read this, to be honest I don't know if I'll have the guts to even send it to you.
I'm aware that I've done despicable things and I've stood by and watched horrid things happen. For that I will always hate myself for as long as I live. But I've decided to change, I don't want to stand back and watch the murderers of innocent people not anymore, not ever again.
I can not go into detail but I have found a way to, hopefully, take down the dark Lord. It is well beyond dangerous and if I'm being truthful I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive… But it is the least I can do, after all the pain I have caused.
I haven't written this asking for forgiveness or anything of the sort, I can't ask for that. I wrote this because I'm fully aware I might be living my last days and I'm sincerely and utterly sorry for everything I've done. And for what it's worth, I want you to know that I love you.
Your brother, Regie.
Sirius laid down on his bed, the tear stained paper in his hands, unending tears escaping his eyes. He looked at the ceiling for what felt like hours. He felt a void eating away his thoughts and feelings leaving him completely empty.
All ifs and maybes crossed his mind but they all crashed in the same brick wall everything else seemed to do too… Him. There was no denying it. Everything wrong in his life was a result of him. Lily, James, Regulus, Remus.
Once he calmed down enough, he went down stairs for a glass of water to drown out the knot in his throat that formed from crying.
As he was passing by the kitchen table he noticed the plate that was left out for Remus sat untouched.
Fear rushed into his veins. Not sure of how, he just knew that something was wrong. He let out curses out of his breath as he rushed to Remus’ door. He didn't even have the decency to knock; he just swung open the door, to be met with an empty room.
Fuck.
Hours passed, Sirius didn't know what to do, with shaky hands he lit up cigarette after cigarette waiting and hoping Remus would return until morning.
Relentless thoughts never stopped crossing his mind. And Sirius everytime a new one came he would lay down and take the blame he deserved.
It was about 4:30 when he heard the front door open. Without hesitation he ran to meet Remus.
“What the fuck, mate? Are you bloody mad, leaving out of fucking nowhere? Where the fuck where you?” he had to retain himself from yelling too loud, as much as he wanted to.
Remus took dragged steps towards him with slumped shoulders and his face looking at the ground. It only took a moment more before he was aware of his smell. He smelled like a packed bar- alcohol, cigarettes and sweat.
“... Where you out fucking drinking?” He wasn't sure if he was more upset or concerned at the state of him.
Remus in response only hid his face more.
“Oh no, we are not doing this shit again.”
Sirius wouldn't stand the silent treatment from Remus, not ever again. Sirius walked up to him, grabbed him by the chin and looked right into his eyes.
“You-...” his anger turned to fear in an instant. “... What happened to you?”
Remus' face was covered in bruises and scrapes with fresh blood still leaking from them.
He managed to walk Remus to the bathroom where the lighting was better and all his potions and medicine lied.
With some cotton he wiped off the blood from Remus’ face so he could see the actual damage. Remus had seen worse but that didn't mean this was easy. Sirius took out his wand and pointed at the black eye Remus had.
"Episkey” he murmured under his breath.
At once the bruise changed colors going from dark red to purple to yellow and then it was no longer nowhere to be found.
One by one he treated all his scars while Remus stayed silent and unmoving. Sirius really felt bad for him, even after he left with our warning he couldn't hold a grudge against him, it wouldn't be fair.
“Did you get hurt anywhere else?” Sirius said calmly.
Remus slowly lifted his shirt up to his ribcage. His whole torsos was filled with deep red bruises. Then it clicked, he was attached. Sirius hesitated over the sight, unsure if he should say something, ask what happened or go on.
He decided the latter was the better option. They were going to have that conversation another day.
He healed those wounds too, they took much longer to disappear and as they changed colors Remus hissed and grunted in pain. One of them remained unbudged; it was a more serious wound for Episkye to heal.
“Christ... I think you might have cracked a rib."
He looked into his medicine cabinet for something to heal bones. From the reflection on the mirror he could see Remus' eyes following him intently and he couldn't help something rising up in his chest.
He found a little jar with a jell substance inside of it that wrote ‘can heal fractures and minor breakage in under an hour’. He took and rubbed it over the broken rib. All the while he could feel Remus' gaze still fixed at him, he tried to ignore it and what came with it.
Once he was done he stepped back, trying to avoid Remus’ eyes.
“That's all I could do.”
“Thank you.” Remus whispered back and Sirius couldn't help himself but steal a glance of him. And in Remus’ gaze was something long forgotten, yet so familiar.
Sirius just gave him a shy smile and he helped him walk to bed.
As Remus laid down Sirius lingered for a moment looking at the empty cold space beside him.
He was about to leave the room to let Remus rest as he felt a hand grabbing his wrist before he was able to. Remus' grip was steady but his face was filled with panic, unspoken words were said to him “Don't go, please.”.
He sat back down without a second thought. He instantly calmed. His hand released his wrist and moved up to his hair gently coaming it with his fingers. Sirius' heart started beating faster. Ever since he cut his hair short he never had wished for it to be long more than that moment.
And as if Remus could read his mind he whispered to him, “I miss your hair.” the words hand ache behind them Sirius wanted to take away so bad… but ultimately he felt it too. An ache for things to be as they once were.
Even so Remus didn't stop and Sirius closed his eyes and let himself indulge in the touch he had been longing for agonizing years.
”...Thank you Sirius” Sirius was taken aback by that statement, quickly opening his eyes. “Thank you for everything. If it weren't for you I'd still be in that hell…”
But if Sirius had believed in him from the start none of this would have happened…
“Thank you for being there for me even though I have been… difficult, to say the least.” Despite him not being sober he looked at him with such clear eyes. Such truthful eyes.
“And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you, for not listening to you… for everything I've put you through. I promise… I'll try to be better.”
His words, his eyes felt like they were staying right through him. After all, after everything he was the one apologizing…
Remus warped his arms around Sirius hugging tight with a yearning like hunger. His hands moved by themselves holding him back, while his mind was screaming ‘You don't deserve it. Not after everything you've done.’
Remus' hands moved from his back to cup his face. And again those eyes, those somber yearning eyes, with hints of tears at the corners, gazing at him soft and lovingly like he were the center of the world.
“I missed you Sirius.” Remus' gaze despaired behind his eyelids and Sirius felt his ever so familiar lips against his.
The voice in his head quieted, leaving him with years of longing finally being fulfilled. Sirius kissed him back.