Back to the world
The day he finally saw freedom in the eyes, he couldn’t have been more happy about it. He’d managed to walk to the toilet (with aid, but he was walking), and he was allowed to do his business by himself. They finally sent him home, even though he’d had some sort of appointment or check up nearly every day, but he was home.
His parents had ordered him straight into bed after eating some proper breakfast, though that of course meant he would have to be carried. He noticed that the weakness was bad in his legs, and he even had trouble lifting them up from the floor. That wall must have done numbers on his nervous system.
It was a conjoined effort between Sirius and Fleamont. Sirius carrying him, his father securing him so that Sirius wouldn’t accidentally drop him if he stumbled. He knew it was an ego low to have to let Sirius do the carrying, but he was in much better shape.
The first thing he noticed when walking into the room was the mattress on the foot of his bed.
“You didn’t think I was leaving you alone after that?” Sirius said to him.
James couldn’t have felt happier about it. Of course he didn’t want to sleep alone.
He was helped into his own bed, to which he sank gratefully down. The hospital bed was so uncomfortable that he felt sore even though he didn’t feel much of anything below his neck.
Sirius settled down right beside him, and James felt like he could marry him out of pure thankfulness. Not everyone was lucky enough to have a best friend who knew exactly what he needed. All he needed was for someone to be close to him, make him feel like he was less alone. Those few seconds before Evan had arrived had been the worst seconds of his life. He’d felt mute, like he couldn’t even move his vocal chords. He felt so alone that he was scared no one would ever find him. All he wanted to know was that there was someone there with him.
“How did the game go?” James found himself asking. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to start thinking about the game, but it seemed to be all his mind could comprehend.
There was a rustling beside him that he could only guess was Sirius turning to look at him. James hated that he couldn’t see him, but it was the best he could do. He’d rather feel him than see him.
“Wel lost, obviously.”
He snorted. “Not good motivation, eh?”
“The worst.”
That was one thing that genuinely pissed him off about sports movies, how one of the teammates could literally die, but the team always used that as motivation to kick the opponents asses. In reality, something like that left you stunned and scared. You couldn’t focus on the game when all you thought about was if your teammate was ok. If your friend was ok. It all reminded him grimly of Peter. Maybe it reminded Sirius of him too.
“At least the fucker’s is suspended, indefinitely for now. I’ve heard they’re proposing to keep him out for at least as long as you’re out, and then some.”
James grinned. “What if I just never get back on the ice again?”
Sirius punched his arm. “That’s not funny.”
He reached to rub the spot. Weirdest part was that he felt too numb to properly feel it, just some pressure. “Don’t hit disabled people.” he scolded.
“You’re not disabled.”
“I’m in a wheelchair.”
“Temporarily.”
“I have a broken neck.”
There were a few seconds of silence.
James sighed. “I’m sorry, I maybe shouldn’t joke about that.”
“You really shouldn’t.”
He realised that it was sort of a coping mechanism for what happened, but there were more people other than him that had gotten hurt over it. He hadn’t been here last night, he didn’t know how Sirius had coped with seeing him like that. If it had been Sirius, he was pretty sure it would completely break him.
«How is everyone?» he asked. He’d seen Lily, Mary, and Remus in the hospital, but there were more people he cared for.
«You saw them.» Sirius said like it was as simple as that. James would have killed to give him a glare.
«You know that I’m talking about the team.» he said.
Sirius sighed. “I haven’t talked much to any of them. Frank was pretty worried, he called me this morning to ask for updates.”
James felt guilty.
Extremely guilty.
He couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like for Sirius to wonder what was going to happen, if he was ever going to see his best friend walk again. Maybe even if he was going to see him again. On top of all of that, he became the centre for everyone that cared about James for information about what was happening.
“I think Rose took it the worst, he was pounding on that motherfucker's face like he was ground beef.” He cringed at that. He couldn't picture Evan being violent at all. He was some good little Scandinavian christian, and they didn’t do that sort of thing. He was the type that would grab his cross at his chest whenever his patience was being pulled at, not attack someone.
“So I've heard. That’s going around twitter, I suppose?”
Sirius snorted, “I feel bad for him, losing his shit like that in front of the camera’s. I mean, I lose my shit all the time, but it’s different when it’s Rose. He doesn’t do that.”
No, he didn’t. It would probably have been less surprising if James had been the one having it out like that.
“How is he doing?” James asked. He was worried for him, It must have been tough being the first one to the scene. The one James had called for in desperation, like he was going to die. In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have done that for the poor sophomore's sake, but his mind wasn’t really working at all during those moments.
“I don’t know, I didn't see him after he was pulled off the ice. I thought about asking my brother if he knew anything.”
And there it was. My brother. Regulus.
James hadn’t even thought too much about him, given everything that had happened to him. He shouldn’t even think about him now, but his brain can’t help itself. He’d just broken his neck, but his brain decided on being a complete idiot.
Did he know about what had happened? Had he seen it?
There must have been at least a million videos about it on twitter and stuff. The people there had no shame in what they shared. I felt weird, the thought of thousands of people watching him have the worst moments of his life. He hated the thought of it. He could only hope that there weren't any close ups to him. He didn’t ever want to see what his face had looked like.
“Yeah.” James said, pushing it out of his head.
He looked over to see Sirius staring at the wall in front of him, like there were just as many thoughts in his mind as James’.
«What’s up?» James asked.
Sirius shook his head. «Nothing.»
James didn't believe him for a singular second. If nothing was bothering him, they would have been able to have a conversation about his brother without him spacing out like that.
«Then why aren’t you back in practice?» he asked. He could have asked about why he just zoned out, but James felt much top guilty to talk about Regulus right now.
Sirius sent him a flat look. «You got injured, if you hadn’t noticed.»
James shot the same look right back at him. «I did, dickhead, but emphasis on you. You as is James. So I’m just wondering why that’s keeping Sirius from the ice?»
Sirius looked away. «Maybe it’s not that easy to move past.» he said.
James knew better than to try and get him to open up now. Sirius needed to be in a particular mood before there was any chance of that. He really needed to sit on it a while first.
Instead, he tried a different tactic. «You know, Coach is probably going to name another Alternate for the rest of the season.»
This caught Sirius’ attention again. «And..?» he asked.
Of course James would have to spell it out for him. «...and I think you should be there.»
Sirius’ eyebrows flew up. «You’d want me to take over as Alternate?»
«Well, you’re the only one I trust to keep the guys in line.»
Sirius huffed. «You know you sound more like a captain than Frank?»
James smiled at that. «Frank’s fucking sick of us, I can’t blame him.»
Silence stretched out for a few moments. They were both probably thinking of what the remainder of the season would look like, how Sieius would have worked as an Alternate Captain.
Sure, Sirius could be reckless and irresponsible on the ice, but that was just because he let himself be. When push came to shove, Sirius was as passionate as anyone about the sport, and that was only proven in their last game. As James was too busy fucking it up, Sirius had been the one taken over control, leading their team when James was too busy with God knows what.
James knew that Sirius had no issue stepping up to the plate. Besides, there weren't a lot of other people he would have loved in the position. Pipes was good and had the attention and respect of the guys, but he didn’t take it seriously enough. Conrad was a great player, but he was too unsure of himself. Evan would have been great, but he was only a sophomore, and James couldn’t be sure how that situation with Crouch would affect him.
No, Sirius seemed like the best option.
«You know, I’ve never even considered captain.» Sirius said with a distant look, making James’ hand twitch.
«Alternate.» he corrected. «Don’t think I won’t be there to take Frank’s title when he graduates.»
Sirius smiled. «Oh, I’m counting on it.»
The day after that, James was blessed enough to be awarded a little time on his phone, but only if he wore sunglasses. Sirius had been forced to leave him in favour of classes, and he was all by himself. At some point, he had to convince Sirius that an hour-long commute was not as sustainable as he made it seem, and that he would have to get back to the flat eventually. He had hockey to do, even if James didn’t.
He’d finished his book by midday, and Euphemia had finally relented, letting the phone fall down on his bed.
«I’ll be back in half an hour.» she said before closing the door behind her.
He had to squint when the phone lit up in his face. Yep, he got why they didn't want to look at it much. The blue lights made his poor concussed head sting.
As he could have guessed on his own, he had a million notifications. He had been tagged numerous times on twitter, but he decided that was a can of worms he wasn’t quite ready to open. He’d gotten tons of messages on insta from people he didn't know well enough to have their number, but who cared enough to wish him the best. It made him smile stupidly. Of course, he didn’t answer those yet. Didn’t want to use his precious half an hour on it.
Instead he went over to his messages. The number of people trying to reach him was overwhelming. Apparently, everyone had seen the clip. He was getting texts from old teammates, old classmates, some of his buddies from England. Even his middle aged former coach wished him ‘a speedy recovery in time to charm the snakes’.
He decided to take it slowly, only replying to the ones of his closest friends. As much as he appreciated that people cared, he needed to take it in baby steps. The sessions with dr. Salgado was taking an infuriatingly slow progression, so he just knew he had to be careful with himself. James was normally pretty open, so if it was taking him this long to be able to put words into what he felt about the whole thing, he had some stuff underlying he needed ro figure out before putting himself back out there.
Sun. Nov. 4., 12:04
Remus: Thank fucking God.
That was it. The entire text. He could picture it in his head, Remus hanging up the call with Sirius, sighing in relief as he typed this out.
James: don’t thank god, thank doctor Boswel
He almost giggled to himself at that reply. Remus was going to be so pissed off. He breaks his neck, and that was what he heard from him?
The next texts did, however, make him giggle.
Sat. Nov. 3., 20:14
Mary: don’t you dare be fucking dead, potter
Sun. Nov. 4., 12:06
Mary: fuck you, honestly
Never change, Mary. He thought to himself. Never change.
James: I’m fine, thanks for asking
Mary was the biggest faker out of them all. He knew she cared. Maybe even about Sirius, though that might have been a stretch.
Sun. Nov. 4., 12:09
Lily: You’re going to have to fight me before I ever let you back onto that ice again. Please tell me everything’s ok? Dad’s worried sick.
Sun. Nov. 4, 19:43
Lily: I am worried sick too, in case you were wondering.
James smiled. Did this earth really deserve Lily Evans?
James: you can report back that I am both breathing and moving, don’t let him replace me just yet.
He did know that Coach would care more about if James was ok rather than if his winger was, but it always felt strange getting too personal with the man. He was like the embodiment of everything hockey stood for, just raw masculinity.
He got a notification from Remus, something about getting the fuck off his phone, but James ignored it. Why would he text him if he didn’t want him to answer?
Instead of following his PT’s advice, he scrolled through his notifications, though they were mostly just tweets he’s tagged in.
@mellies.forum : @pooter.01 eats shit <attached video>
He had to admit he snorted at that. Just the shock factor of it all. The worst part was that they weren’t even wrong, he did eat shit.
@hockey.goat.99 : I had high hopes for @pooter.01 , let’s pray this was better than it looked.
It made him feel good that someone was just saying they had high hopes for him, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it. His attention and breath was simultaneously caught in one simple notification.
Regulus Tue. Nov. 6., 11:56 Missed call
Regulus called him. That meant he knew about it. Or maybe he was lucky, and he just wanted to demand answers from him after that hallway incident.
On further thought, he hoped more that it was about the accident. James had no answers to give.
He wondered if he should even call back. Maybe he could shoot him a text? That would feel cheap. Regulus called him for a reason. Everyone can say they’re fine over text, but it was different hearing it from their voice, hearing if they sound unsure or if their voice cracks.
His finger hovered above the notification.
Wondering.
Testing.
Would he even answer if he called? Maybe it was a spurt in the moment kind of thing, just an initial worry. Maybe he wouldn’t care once he saw he was fine enough to return his call.
There was only one way to find out.
He pressed the button and put the phone up to his ear.
One ring.
Three rings.
Five rings.
«The Number you’re…»
He hung up. Didn’t know what he was expecting. Were they even friends anymore, or had James completely fucked that up?
He resorted to open twitter to get his mind off of it.
The first clip he saw on his timeline was thankfully not of him, but he didn’t feel too relieved.
@chris.hockey.112 - Nov 03 - 19:47
@e.ros.2002 , I knew he had that dawg in him.
<attached video>
The video was of Evan flying at Crouch, driving his fist in his face. They both fell to the ground before they started assaulting each other.
It was brutal.
It was violent.
It was hockey.
He wouldn’t have quite believed that it truly was Evan if it hadn’t been for the ROSIER and #36 on his back. It really couldn’t be anyone else.
The next tweet was similar, but Jame saw just from the thumbnail that the video started before Crouch got in the hit.
@nhl.hockey.3465 - Nov 03 - 20:32
That was an absolutely disgusting hit from @bart.squat , hope the NCAA takes this seriously! Have to give it to @e.ros.2002 for sticking up for @pooter.01 , didn’t think he had it in him.
<attached video>
He was debating whether or not he should watch it. Was he ready to finally see what it looked like? Was he ready to get an answer to his questions?
His decision was made for him as the twitter app disappeared.
Regulus
Incoming call
He would have liked to say it took him a couple of seconds before he answered the phone. It did not.
All it took was a deep breath and the click of a thumb.
«Hello?» he answered the phone with. Noise filled the background, like voices in an echo.
«James?» Regulus asked quickly. «James, is that you?»
He smiled. Regulus sounded at least a little worried. «Where are you?» he asked. There were multiple voices on the other end of the line, making it hard for him to make out his words.
«In the hallway, sorry. Thought it’d be empty since lectures aren’t done yet.»
James raised his eyebrows. «Were you in a lecture?» he asked, a bit more amused than what he’d meant for it to be.
«Yeah, and then this guy I saw die called me.»
James snorted. That was dramatic. «I can’t hear you very well.» It was only half a joke. He really couldn’t hear him well.
«Hold on..»
He heard shuffling and some more voices over the line. He wondered where he was on campus, what he was wearing. Probably something really posh. Maybe he was one of the guys with a leather satchel, there was just no way that Regulus Black was wearing a backpack. A Blackpack.
Stupid.
He heard a door open and then close. As soon as it did, the chatter was instantly killed.
«Better?» he asked, voice cleared and more like Regular instead of something grainy.
«Better.» he confirmed with a smile. He knew Regulus couldn’t see it, but he knew sometimes people could hear it when other people smiled, so he was going more for that.
There were a few seconds where neither of them said anything. James didn’t even know where to start. Did he mention what happened in the hallway? Did he skip over it and tell him that he didn’t watch him die?
It was Regulus that broke first. «Jesus, James.» he sighed.
He couldn’t help himself. «Yeah, I think I saw him there for a minute.»
There was a loud exhale on the other end of the line. «Don’t joke about that.»
«What? You did it first.»
«That wasn’t a joke.»
Maybe he should have seen the video first, get in the headspace of everyone that had to witness it. Maybe he really had looked like he died.
«How did you find out?»
«Evan came barging through my door looking like a disaster, blood on his hands and face and all. It came up.»
At least James knew Evan didn’t just go home by himself, he was actually with someone.
«Sorry.» he said. He didn’t know why he kept apologising to everyone, but it felt important.
«Are you ok, James- really? Because that was… that was a nasty hit.»
He smiled to himself. «I think I’m as good as I can be after that.»
A sigh of relief filled the line. «Fuck, James. I thought… I thought you broke your neck or something.»
The smile was quickly turned into a grimace. «Funny you should say that…»
«Don’t fucking joke about that.»
«I would have loved to joke about it.»
«No.»
«Yes.»
There were a few moments of silence. James really didn’t know what to do if not make a few jokes about it. He was only trying to make it lighter, trying to make himself not seem fucking terrified every second. He kept revisiting the feeling of when he thought his life was over, when he thought he’d never move again.
He needed it to not be so bad.
«Are you ok?» The question was repeated. Less rough and fast, more caring and careful.
What did people even expect him to say to that? That he was? His neck was broken, he feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack every second he’s awake and he’s scared of falling asleep.
Was he supposed to say that he wasn’t ok? He was moving. He was feeling. He was breathing. He sure could have been a lot less ok.
«I’m fine.» he settled with. It seemed like a much broader statement. Something that didn’t have to mean that he was ok, but just fine. He wasn’t dying, so then he had to be fine.
«A broken neck isn’t fine, James.»
Maybe he was right. Maybe James was just trying to look too much on the bright side. For god’s sake, his neck was broken, but he didn’t know what to do with that. Did he laugh it off? Did he crawl into his own skin in fear? Did he do both?
«I’m moving, Regulus. I’m fine because I could have been a lot less than fine.»
He really didn’t think throwing himself a pity party would help him in any way. Everything could have been worse. It could have been so much worse, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. It didn’t happen, so there wasn’t anything to be done.
«You know, when I saw Evan on my door like that, I didn’t know what to believe. He just looked so helpless and terrified.»
James could imagine. The worst part about those retriever boys was when they weren’t so happy anymore. When their eyes were filled with tears, when their voice broke. Boys like Evan weren’t made to look like that.
«And then he broke down, and couldn’t stop saying your name. I didn’t know what to think.»
He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know how everyone was hurting because of him. It was just getting too damn much.
«I didn’t really understand him, so I searched up your game, and…»
Not you too, he thought to himself. It wasn’t his fault that the accident happened, but it felt like his fault that everyone else was hurting.
«… I’m just glad you’re ok.» he said, but quickly jumped back in. «-not ok. Fine. I’m glad you’re fine.»
James couldn’t help but smile. Not ok, but fine.
Before he could get out something to say, his door was opened.
«Alright, time’s up.» his mother barged in, though James wasn’t entirely sure that it had even gone a full thirty minutes yet. She had likely been sitting and biting her nails, worried about his head or something.
She stopped when she saw he had his phone to his ear.
«Oh, who are you talking to? That better not be Sirius, he’s supposed to be in class.» he instructed a little loudly so that it would come through the phone.
Well, that was a bit awkward, he had to admit.
«It’s not, don’t go getting your knickers in a twist just yet.» he replied, tipping the phone slightly away from his face to spare Regulus from the conversation.
«Alright, five minutes. Wrap it up.»
James waited until the door was completely closed before picking up the phone again. Waited until he was alone.
Well, alone in theory.
«Sorry, ehm.. that was my mum. She doesn’t want me on the phone until my concussion is done.»
He was pretty sure Regulus recognized her voice well enough on his own, but he felt like it should be said. He also didn’t think that Regulus needed to be told that he had a concussion as well. He had seen the clip. He knew how unforgiving the ice could be. He vividly remembered him getting a concussion like it was a birthday present when they were younger. Figure skaters were completely mental for not wearing a helmet.
“Ah, that sucks.” he said. His voice was more restrained than it had been, way less open and vulnerable. Someone broke into their bubble. Their bubble.
“Tell me about it, I've just finished the only book I own that isn’t for twelve year olds, I think that I might have to take up some Nancy Drew.”
Regulus laughed at that. It was a little bit forced, but it was still sweet. He had such a nice laugh, it was a shame that James never got to see more of it.
“Don’t speak poorly about Nancy Drew,” he said. James smiled at that. Nancy Drew wasn’t bad books, but he did feel like he was too old for them at this point.
“Sorry, didn’t know you were such a hardcore fan.”
“‘Till the day I die, Potter.”
He hummed. “Didn’t see that on your bookshelf.”
“I have most of my books in..”
The loud sound filled the phone again as Regulus stopped talking.
“Uh, I gotta go.” Regulus said quickly. He heard some voices coming closer. His best guess was that he was not so alone in a classroom anymore. If he was lucky, it was even a whole class getting in to get ready for their lecture.
“Reg?” he asked.
He heard shuffling on the other end of the line. “Yeah?” The loud static noise got louder as he likely stepped out into the hallway again.
“Thank you for caring.” he said, more earnestly than what he’d expected it to be. He didn’t realise how scared he had been that Regulus wouldn’t really care, that their whole ‘friendship’ was just James pushing and pushing while Regulus was trying to get away from him.
“Of course I care, you idiot.”
It was mean, but it was nice. He didn’t know being called an idiot would feel that nice. It meant something, just meaningless banter.
“Good.”