Your responsibility
When Sirius was ten, he went to the hospital for the first time.
It had been just over a year since his little brother squashed his heart by lacing on the skinny, delicate and white scates. He’d hoped that Lusie would come around once he’d gotten a better handle on the puck considering he was a natural on the ice, but the second he saw him with the figure skates, he knew all hope was lost.
Now, one must forgive Sirius for his younger self being surrounded by a not so healthy masculinity at his young and impressionable age, but he’d been disappointed. His brother had always been different from him, different from the guys on the team. Instead of appreciating and accepting it, he’d tried to toughen him up. Books wouldn’t help him when the guys tried coming for him.
He had always feared that his brother was a wimp, but this had solidified his concerns. Figure skating was for the girls, for the people scared of a puck.
Still, he never expressed this to his younger brother. It was solidified in his mind rather quickly that if anybody was going to be mean to his brother, they would have him to deal with, and he wouldn’t hesitate to throw a punch. He’d protect his brother, whenever he needed him.
That was until the first time they skated that winter.
James and Sirius had always been comfortable together out on the ice, but over the last year, they had started to really work together. When Fleamont had smoothed out the pond in the backyard for the first time that winter, they’d even forgotten to invite Lusie the first couple of times. They’d just play each other or run through the drills Coach had given them.
«Do we have to play?» Lusie’s annoyed voice came out from the bench Euphemia had dug out from the snow.
Shit, he thought. The time they actually remembered to invite him, they’d forgotten all about him and drowned in hockey.
James was quicker than him to speak. «What do you wanna do?» he asked.
Lusie was sitting cross armed on the bench, a thick beanie pulled over his head, the second hand jacket that had already been big on both Sirius and James around him like a blanket. He was growing worrisome tall, but Sirius was glad that James’ jacket was still just a bit too big for him. Still just his baby brother.
«Can I teach you something from training?» he said with an excited expression.
Sirius immediately groaned. «Do you have to? That stuff is boring.»
The excitement hardened into somewhat of a frown. «It’s not! I think hockey is boring!»
«That’s just because you didn’t give it a real chance.» he argued, looking over to James for support. His best friend looked like he couldn’t care less.
«You haven’t even tried figure skating.»
This time, Sirius even added the roll of his eyes to accentuate how ridiculous he thought the whole thing was. He wanted to become a professional player, like the players on the telly, and couldn’t waste his time spinning around.
«Don’t need to.»
Lusie’s response was an angry growl-groan thing while his already crossed arms tightened over his chest. «You never want to do anything I want to.» he complained, not even looking at either of them. Such a dramatic, that younger brother of his.
«We do, we just don’t wanna spin in circles.»
«And I don’t wanna play hockey!»
He’d come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be sharing this passion with his brother, but it still hurt.
«Can’t we just have a race or something?» he suggested instead. He didn’t want to fight with his brother.
«But you have been playing so much, can’t we do something I want to?»
«We can have a race…»
«I don’t want to have a race!»
Ever since Lusie had started getting older, Sirius had started to feel the older brother shine start to peel off. Lusie didn’t want to do anything he did anymore, which was starting to annoy him.
«How about we just try a few turns?» James asked. Even during practices, he’d be the one trying to calm down the other guys. Usually he let Sirius and Lusie settle things themselves though. «It could be fun, we’d have some cool tricks to show the guys.»
Sirius scoffed at him. Of course James would pick Lusie’s side, he always bet on the smallest fighter. «You’re gonna celly with a turn?» he asked with a raised eyebrow.
«Sure.» he shrugged. The worst part was that Sirius fully believed him. James just didn’t care.
Sirius sighed. James had turned on him, and his brother was looking like he’d be a problem for the next few days. «Ok, just a few turns.»
Sirius hadn’t expected any of it.
He knew that doing what Regulus was doing was going to be harder because he didn’t have those spiky ends on his blades like his younger brother. He knew that it wouldn’t be easy, because no matter how much fun the guys would make of the sport, they could all recognize the skill that it took.
What Sirius hadn’t expected was to be scared.
They weren’t wearing any helmets, just like Lusie would have in practice. All that was between them and the ice was the rolled up edge of their beanies.
James was quicker than Sirius to start following in Lusie’s footsteps, slipping and falling over while trying to make a fast turn. Lusie was laughing with him, but tried helping him stay upright.
«Come on Sirius!» James called. «It’s fun!»
They would just have to agree to disagree. He’d tried doing it, but there was something stopping him from just going for it. He didn’t know what he was scared of, but it freaked him out.
He tried it again, but with no luck. He could tell what he was supposed to do to spin faster, but his body did the complete opposite, refusing to let him do it. It felt dangerous.
«I can’t do it.» he complained.
Lusie skated over him, acting like a little coach despite being so young. At least that self righteousness was doing something for him.
«You have to pull your hands in like you’re trying to make yourself as small as possible.» he demonstrated while standing still in front of him.
«I tried, but it’s not working.»
Lusie crossed his arms. «Do it.»
Sirius took a little speed, but the second he tried to spin, he chickened out again, making it look clumsy, like he’d never put skates on before.
«You aren’t pulling together!» his younger brother scolded him.
«I don’t even know what that means!» he complained.
James continued to improve while Sirius slowly pulled back to watch the two of them.
Mostly, he was just watching Lusie.
The way he didn’t hesitate to go all in for whatever he tried, even as he fell on his ass and knees alike, made Sirius’ eyes open. He knew Lusie was good with skates, he’d been kind of jealous of how little time it’d taken him to master the skates, but this was something different. This wasn’t just skill, but fearlessness.
When James gave him a little challenge, he’d try it, even though he wasn’t nearly good enough. Lusie wasn’t scared to hit the ice, he was just having fun.
His younger brother, fearless.
He’d never been more proud in his life. His brother was being bold and gutsy while Sirius was chickening out on the bench. Even though this was definitely a loss for him, he was way too caught up in watching Lusie move around.
It was like watching a completely different person. In school, James and Sirius constantly had to ward off the guys in his grade from picking on him while Lusie looked like he wanted to shrink into the background, but on the ice, he was completely different.
He owned it.
Even standing next to James who was already Coach’s favourite, the one the older guys would come and talk to about hockey, the one who constantly went beyond every expectation of him out there on the ice. Even next to someone like that, it was clear that Lusie owned the ice.
Sirius hadn’t really caught the challenges thrown around, but he caught when it went terribly wrong.
He’d looked away for just a second, but was quickly drawn back when he heard a bang.
James gasped loudly. «Reggie!» he screamed before pushing off towards where Lusie was.
Where Lusie was lying on the ice.
Motionless.
«Lusie!» Sirius screamed, scrambling to get to his brother.
He was completely out of it, not responding to any shaking or calling. Sirius felt a lump forming in his throat.
«Mum!» James cried out, giving the youngest of them another shake.
«Come on, Lusie.» Sirius mumbled. «It’s just a hit, you’re ok.»
«Mum!» James yelled out again, and Sirius could almost feel it when the backdoor was pulled open, two pairs of feet running over the snow.
«It's not too bad, Lusie, you’re fine.» he mumbled to his younger brother. He still wasn’t responding, but Sirius was 100% sure that he wasn’t saying it to just calm his brother down.
The air was cold and dusky when Sirius left the Potter's house. He’d yet to return to their flat, but he couldn’t quite get himself to leave James like that.
He wasn’t exactly sure why he was headed where he was headed, but he knew he needed it done. He needed some things in his life cleared.
When he saw James hit that wall, he’d thought that was it. He thought that everything was over, that the earth might have fallen out of orbit. He had issues remembering exactly what happened after that, only that he was in the ER, shaking. Fleamont and Euphemia had done their best trying to comfort him, but he could tell they were breaking apart themselves. Euphemia’s hand was shaky, and Flemont’d eyes were concentrated hardly on the doors in front of him.
Sirius had been sitting like a child, knees pressed up to his chest, not even sure where his eyes were focused, if they were at all.
All he could do was sit there, willing everything to be ok. It was the anticipation that killed him, not knowing what would happen. All he knew was that if James didn’t make it, he would be done for.
Please.
He wasn’t sure if it was something he’d mumbled or thought. It didn’t matter, the plea was still the same. He needed James to be fine, he didn’t know how he was supposed to live if he wasn’t.
When he sat in that ER chair, everything in the world came into that room with him. Everything outside didn’t matter to him. That hospital had been the centre of gravity, what kept the earth orbiting the sun. Nothing that didn’t happen inside of these walls mattered. It just wasn’t important.
All things of significance in one room, all the time in the world in one room. He saw a younger boy rolled through on a hospital bed, black hair peeking out between the bandages around his head, covering one eye.
Your responsibility…
The car shook as he turned on the ignition, stirring it to life. His phone was immediately connected to the bluetooth system, continuing where he left off, in the middle of some Rolling Stones song.
«Lord I miss you…» he mumbled along to the music as he pulled out of the driveway.
He remembered the drive home, when it still hadn’t sunk in for him that his best friend was going to be ok.
Staring at the trees jittering in the wind, only lit up by the street lights. Driving in the dark didn’t feel real, like he was just looking at something through a screen. The world wasn’t really there.
He took a glance in the back mirror, eyes hitting the empty seat.
If you don’t learn to take some responsibility…
No, not happening. Not while driving.
This is your fault.
Objectively, Sirius knew that it was in no way shape or fault his fault, even though the guilt tore through him still. He was on the bench. There was nothing he could have done. Even if he’d caught it in time, he was too far off to even consider getting close to helpful.
His parents didn’t see it that way though.
All they saw was their perfect son injured at the hands of the roudy, misbehaving older son who was surely plotting against them at the age of ten. They saw Regulus lying in a hospital bed and Sirius with a guilty look on his face.
I want you to look at what you’ve done.
He turned the music up, drowning out his own thoughts. He mumbled the words along to the singer, drumming the steering wheel and bobbing his head. Anything to drown it out.
‘I’ll never forget you
At times we couldn’t shake it, you’re my joy
Always remember me’
Ever since the first time Sirius was allowed to see James in the hospital, everyone seemed intent on getting him back on the ice. It all seemed so quick to him, but everyone else seemed to silently agree that it needed to be.
Vaguely, he wondered if it was like that rule they had in gymnastics. If you fell or pulled out of a trick, you got right back up and did it immediately again before your brain got the chance to get scared of it and create a mental block. Lily said that was one sure way to get the twisties, though Sirius had no idea what the twisties were. He thought gymnasts were supposed to twist around, but what did he know? He could do some flips on trampolines, but that was not even close to what the hell Lily was up to. Crazy that people called hockey madness when gymnastics was a thing. Even crazier when people would refer to Lily and Remus as the stable ones. Well, they got it right (kinda) about Remus, but Lily was another level of unhinged, she just liked to pretend that she wasn’t. Sirius saw right through that little good girl act of hers, she was just a straight up adrenaline junkie. Really fun, actually, when you first got her started.
Unfortunately for him though, she was also just a very reasonable person with very reasonable arguments, like why he should get back to hockey practice. The team needed some solid players now that their Alternate was out (temporarily), this was Sirius’ last season to fuck around before the scouts started watching, that he needed to make sure the team was ready for when James eventually got back.
It really was that last one that convinced him.
After Sirius injured his shoulder last season, it took him weeks before he was allowed to play games again, and he really didn’t get back to his best level before this season and some insane training over the off season. He couldn't imagine how much work it would take James.
Besides, one of the few things he’d caught from Frank was the fact that Coach had accepted a transfer. After Peter was out, they were already lacking a left winger, and now that another was (temporarily) out, they needed the extra manpower. The team needed some actual leadership besides Frank’s whining if they were to even dream of making it to regionals.
All the arguments pointed towards Sirius returning to practices, but something held him back. Some fear instated in the back of his mind.
When he tried to investigate it, however, his mind kept jumping. He kept hearing the harsh voice of his mother bouncing through his head.
Look at what you did.
I didn’t do it, he tried saying back, but there was no use. He was arguing against a memory over a decade old. He didn’t defend himself then, so it was forever set in stone.
The motionless and pale face of his brother was set in stone in his memory.
It was like he was ten again, sitting in that hospital room. His hands sweating, anticipation roaring in his stomach.
«But the doctor said that it was just a concussion.» he tried to say, but his father’s hard glance cut him off.
Sirius had gotten in trouble a lot of times. He’d broken windows, vases, dragged mud in, talked back. Those were all punishable offences, but this one surely was reason for a new kind of punishment. Sirius was their usuppedient child not listening to anything but a hard hit, but Lusie was their little angel boy. He didn’t defend himself, didn’t push their limits, didn’t do anything that he thought they might not have liked unless Sirius managed to convince him. Every time something happened to Lusie, it was always Sirius’ fault. Always he who took the blunt punishment.
«We’re going to deal with you later.» his mother said coolly from behind him.
Sirius practically shrinked into himself, trying to hide his head from the world. Maybe it was just a nightmare that he would wake up from. Maybe there was something he could do to change it. Maybe if he got injured himself, they would go easier on him.
«I want you to look at him.» his mother’s voice came back as a hand landed over his head, forcing it up. «I want you to look at what you did.»
Sirius didn’t want to. He was so scared. Scared of his punishment, scared for his brother. He couldn’t stand looking at him.
«Look at him!» she said louder and more dangerously.
He did. He looked at his brother there in a hospital bed with a bandage over his head. He looked at his injured brother after he took him out to skate.
«This is what happens when you’re disobedient.» she said.
A million different arguments went through his head. ‘I wasn’t disobedient, it was just an accident’ ‘I didn’t do anything, he just fell, people fall all the time’ ‘I tried to say we shouldn’t do tricks, but he wouldn’t listen’. Still, none of them came out. He was deep in it, and he didn’t want to anger her further. Talking back usually led to a few hittings, maybe some meals revoked. Sirius knew maths, and he didn’t want to add onto whatever the punishment for injuring his brother was.
«This is your fault, Sirius.»
No it wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault. There was no way he could have reached him in time, right?
That confidence in his innocence hadn’t lasted long. He was still just ten years old, and wasn’t too sure of himself yet. He didn’t know what abuse was yet, though he was all too familiar with it.
It was difficult seeing himself as innocent as he was hit over and over, as he only got breakfast for as many days as Lusie was lying in bed.
Sometimes, he thought this was where it all started. He’d taken punishments for his brother on multiple occasions, but that was to protect him. This time, he felt like he was falsely accused and punished. As his head stopped working properly from dehydration and hunger, he started to grow resentful. He’d wonder if his brother was purposefully staying in bed longer just so that Sirius’ punishment would be prolonged, and even wondered if he’d gotten injured on purpose.
It grew slowly, starting with Sirius being more careful around his brother, not wanting him to do stuff that could hurt him. Then, it turned into excluding him from those activities altogether. Regulus would start telling on him, which led to more punishments that only worsened as he got older.
At the age when he realised how fucked up it all was, it was too late for him. His parents knew how to work him, knew that no matter how much Sirius started to resent his younger brother, he’d do anything to protect him. He never told anyone because he couldn’t risk them punishing Regulus for him.
That was how one turned resentment into hate. Regulus who had once been his best friend turned into the person causing him the most pain.
After James’ injury, it was Regulus that revisited his mind. It was Regulus that held him back from getting back on the ice, Regulus who haunted his dreams.
When he pulled up in front of Regulus’ flat, he didn’t know exactly what he was doing there. He didn’t know how this would help him, or if it even would, but he knew he had things he needed to resolve.
He rang the buzzer on the screen by his door, counting six buzzes before the door clicked open, and Sirius was free to step inside. He knew Regulus’ building had a camera function, so he knew he was now expected.
When he reached the upper level, Regulus was leaning against his door frame, arms crossed, waiting for him.
«Sirius.» he said. That was their greetings these days. After a somewhat of a reconnection after Regulus attended Gryffindor, they weren’t exactly unfriendly, but they were certainly not close anymore.
How strange wasn’t it to see one of the most important people in your life look at you like a stranger?
«Regulus.» he said. He wasn’t in the mood for his usual bickering, the usual poking fun and making light of the situation. He was tired, and he really fucking wanted to talk to his brother.
«What are you doing here?» he asked, still leaning against his door, clearly not letting him inside. Instead, Sirius had to stand in the hallway.
«I…» his words cut off. He didn’t know what he was doing here. He didn’t know what to say. There were so many things that it was hard to pinpoint the starting point. «James got hurt.» he said instead.
Regulus nodded slowly. «I saw.»
Sirius nodded as well, but quicker. «He’s fine.» he tried assuring Regulus, but quickly had to jump back in. «Or, he’s going to be fine, eventually.»
Regulus looked at him for a few moments, that unbreakable mask fully in place. Throughout their childhood, he’d seen this mask being perfected, used against their parents. Getting it thrown at him was something Sirius didn’t think he’d ever get used to, let alone be ok with.
«That’s good.» he said after a long few moments.
Sirius nodded again. This was the point where his therapist would say he just had to pick something to say, something to tell him so that the word vomit could start. It wasn’t that easy though. He felt more picky, because this was more important to him. He didn’t want to screw it up more with Regulus than he already had.
«Yeah.» he croaked out. «It was scary, but… but he’s being a good sport.»
Surprisingly enough, Regulus’ mouth twitched at this. Maybe it shouldn’t have surprised him, James was always a good sport, and Regulud had grown up with him after all.
They fell into sort of a silence again, one where Sirius tried recollecting his thoughts all while Regulus tried reading him.
It never used to be quiet between them. They always had something to say. Regulus used to be so annoying with the way he’d never shut up, and finding the most strange things to care about. Sirius would have to spend hours listening to Regulus go on about why he thought pans and casseroles were so strange because they could be used as each other.
Now, Regulus didn’t say anything.
Sirius knew he had to be the one to do it. «I wanted to apologise.» he said, surprising himself.
«What?» Regulus asked, his brows pinching together in a frown.
A lot of his time in therapy was spent working on his guilt, realising that what happened wasn’t his fault. He was just a kid, and there was no way that a kid could act perfect under any circumstances, especially under the impossible ones his parents set.
But that was just the thing, it was never the kid’s fault. Never.
«I’m sorry for blaming you.» he said.
It may have taken seeing his best friend getting hospitalised for realising, but he’d finally gotten it.
No matter how much Sirius had loved his brother, the resentment was built from something Regulus had no control over. It wasn’t his fault that he could manage their parents better than Sirius ever could. Sirius would get angry that Regulus could avoid punishments, that he knew how to be their perfect little son, but that wasn’t Regulus’ fault. He was just a kid trying to please his parents.
Just a kid trying to escape abuse.
Sirius was the older brother, and had spent his entire life putting himself in harm's way for his brother, and when he wouldn’t do it back, he started to resent him. He thought that it was selfish, that he was taking and refusing to give.
Then Sirius realised that, once again, it wasn’t Regulus’ fault. He didn’t ask Sirius once to take the blame, he didn’t ask him once to do something worse so that their parents would forget that he spilled his cup of milk. Sirius had been brave, foolishly so, but he couldn’t expect the same from his brother. He was so young when Sirius started to face serious consequences, so young when he saw what angering his parents got him.
Where Sirius grew angry towards his parents, wanting to take revenge, wanting to make them miserable, Regulus grew scared.
His voice cracked as he started to speak again. «I’m sorry that I blamed you for our parents, that I let them make me hate you.»
Regulus blinked at him, the mask melting off his face until all that was left was his brother. His Lusie.
There you are, he thought.
«I never should have expected you to protect me the way I protected you, because neither of us should have ever had to.»
Regulus’ mouth opened as if he wanted to say something, but nothing came out.
Despite himself, Sirius smiled, even as a lump started to form in his throat.
He was proud of himself. So fucking proud. He thought that when he’d left, he was free from their parent’s grasp, but as long as he was angry at his brother for what they did, he would never be free.
In all honesty, he was still angry with him, he couldn’t help it, but it was a start. It was the first step towards freedom.
Regulus didn’t say anything, but Sirius didn’t expect him to. As much as this was his own step towards freedom, his younger brother wasn’t anywhere near it. He was on another continent from their parents, but Sirius knew that they still had him under their reins. Worst part, he knew that Regulus still loved them, in whatever twisted way they taught him that word meant. He probably believed they loved him, but couldn’t see that Sirius was the only one in that household that actually did. You didn’t control the people you loved, you didn’t hurt them. You couldn’t love someone you so desperately wanted to change, you just loved the idea of what they could be.
As much as Sirius wanted to be angry at Regulus for that, he couldn’t. Even though they lived across the hall from each other, he still didn’t know what his childhood had looked like for him. Their parents weren't careless with their punishments, they were calculated and thoroughly supervised, so he didn’t even know how much Regulus knew about their punishments. He could have told him, made sure that they both knew just what kind of people Walburga and Orion Black really were, but he couldn’t.
What if Regulus didn't really know? What if Sirius was going to shatter his world, make him feel guilty beyond all measures for not doing more to help him?
Then again, what if Regulus thought Sirius just left him there? What if Regulus didn’t know just how bad it had gotten, and thought Sirius had left him for hockey?
The less he hated his brother, the more he hated his parents. It was so fucked up that Sirius felt guilty for saving his own life. It was so fucked up that they have made him and his brother believe that he left them by choice. Sirius didn’t want that for Regulus if he could help it, that constant anger and fantasies of carrying out justice yourself, seeing their faces for the last time as they’re escorted to prison, burn that ugly thing they called a home to the ground.
He didn’t want Regulus to live his life like that. Sirius could barely handle it himself, and he had hockey as an outlet. Regulus didn’t have the option to take it out on opponents that ticked him off, to drink it away when it got too much. That just wasn’t who he was. It was going to eat him up alive.
No, even though Sirius was ready to let his anger for his brother wash off him, his decision still stood firm.
He’d rather have Regulus hate him than hate himself.