You’re ok
James didn’t have a plan.
All he had was a bike and the road ahead of him.
His feet pushing down on the pedals in a steady rhythm, the water from puddles over the asphalt making a sizzling sound. He had to blink several times just to get the water out of his eyes, drops shooting his face like pellets from a weak gun.
Sirius’ voice still ringed in his ears.
I can’t do it without him.
His face still burned his vision, the tears and the helplessness. His face when Euphemia answered him with the softest voice James has ever heard.
You might have to, darling.
Sirius wasn’t going to have to do anything if James had a say in it. He kept pushing his feet down, kept forcing the bike to go faster and faster. It was like he was racing against time, even though he had more than enough to slow down. It was like every second counted, but he had more of them left than he would need to make it happen.
To his luck, there was no car in the driveway. He wasn’t exactly sure what he would have done if Walburga and Orion had been home. Hell would freeze over before they ever let him talk to their son again.
If he was just a bit more lucky, he would be home, and not gone off to wherever with them. He needed him to be home. Sirius needed him.
With three loud bangs, he knocked on the door, sure that it would have left a mark if he’d continued.
The door swung open in front of James, drowning in the rainwater.
James was 16, standing dripping wet in front of Regulus Black, a plea in his eyes.
“Come with us,” he said, begged.
Regulus looked at him with the stone cold face he’d spent the last years perfecting. James still wasn’t used to it being used on him.
Is he…?
“Come with us, Regulus, you don’t have to stay.”
No, he’ll probably be out…
Regulus’ face didn’t move an inch. Not even his eyes, screwed shut on James’. He’d never wanted anyone to move so badly in his life, just do something, anything.
“I do.” he finally said.
“Regulus, please. He needs you.”
“He doesn't.”
Will he ever….
James felt himself starting to breathe heavily, clawing at his hair.
“James?” Regulus asked, a concerned look in his face.
James felt like he couldn’t breathe. Felt like his lungs were too small, like no amount of oxygen was ever going to be enough.
“James?” Regulus repeated, but his mouth wasn’t moving.
He started to feel heavier and heavier, like he was sinking into the ground. The weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. He tried clawing at his shirt, maybe it was closing around him too tightly. His eyes darted down to find it was completely dry. He didn’t even know if it was the same shirt he had come in.
“James?”
James shot his eyes up to Regulus, but he wasn't standing there anymore. It was Evan’s face that met him, eyebrows furrowed, white hockey jersey on.
“James?” he said once again.
He wasn’t in England any longer. He didn’t know where he was. It could be anywhere. Maybe nowhere, maybe not even in his head.
“James, are you ok?”
He was sinking into the floor, further and further down until Evan was like a shadow looming over him.
“I’m here.”
James tried climbing up again, tried getting up off the floor, but nothing was working. His legs didn’t do what they should have, his arms stopped responding. He was as motionless as a dead fish, only able to stare up into the eyes of his teammate.
“Evan.” he said, pleading for help. He felt like a prisoner, trapped inside of his entire body. He felt numb, but at the same time, everything was tight and wrong. It was just wrong.
He didn’t know he could breathe this fast. It was like he was running out of room to breathe in, like his lungs might stop listening to him as well.
Help, he thought. Help.
But there was no sound coming out of his mouth. He tried screaming, but nothing came out, just air.
“James, I’m here.” he assured, but James wasn’t even sure if it was true. He didn’t know what about this was true, what was not. He hoped that none of it was true.
He hoped, he hoped, he hoped.
His internal screams slowly turned into a slow gargling, like even his vocal chords gave out on him. He couldn’t even take in a breath anymore. Just scream.
“James.” Evan said, more hurried this time.
And scream some more.
Evan’s hands flew up to grab his arms.
James would do anything to make this stop. Scream even more if that’s what it took.
“James!”
It was with a jolt that his eyes flew open.
They stung as he looked straight up into a too bright light. His head swam, and his breath was going as fast as it possibly could. His heart was practically breaking his ribs.
He wasn’t in his room
Why wasn’t he in his room?
“James?” The voice said again, and James realised that it wasn’t Evan’s voice anymore.
“Mom?”
His eyes snapped to his right, where he was met with soft brown eyes looking right at him.
“Yes, James, I’m here.” she said, though it wasn’t as silky smooth or calm as it usually was. He felt her hand gripping James’, and he was grateful for the contact.
It was then that he saw the white walls behind her. Neither of their rooms was white walls, his mother was too in love with the old style of the house to change anything. He wasn’t even in his house.
He tried turning his head to get the full view, but that was when he felt something physically hold his head back. Immediately, his hand flew up to his throat, but he met something hard before he touched his skin. He frantically felt around before realising what it was.
No.
His breath picked right back up again.
It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’ a dream.
He felt like he lost the ability to breathe again, hands clawing at the brace over his neck.
“James.” his mother said, reaching her hands up to stop his. Her voice was raw.
“No.” he said, voice cracking like he was a teenager again. “No, no. no.”
They were cries. Sobs.
“James, stop.” she pleaded with him, but he wasn’t sure that he could. He needed to breathe. It felt like he was dying. He needed to move his head, needed to get out of here.
Her hands were stronger than what his were, which was probably the first time since he was a child. Hockey had quickly built him muscle, and he wasn’t used to other people controlling his body like that.
“James, darling, I need you to listen to me.”
Her voice cracked too. It always did when she was crying. James supposed his did as well.
He looked up at her, but his vision was quickly blurring from warm tears that immediately fell down his cheeks.
“James, you’re fine.” she said. He didn’t believe her. He couldn’t move his neck, what about any of this was fine.
“You’re fine.” she repeated, and that was when he saw it.
Euphemia was smiling.
It was almost instinctively, but he immediately stopped struggling once he saw it. His mother was smiling, so everything couldn’t be fucked. She truly believed what she was saying. He trusted his mom, he really did. He didn’t know exactly how much until now. If she believed that he was fine, then things couldn’t be too bad.
“Your hands are moving, James, you’re fine.”
That was true. His hands were moving. In his dream, they had not. His lungs were working, his voice was working.
“My hands are moving.” he repeated, mostly to himself. He could move. He had never been more glad in his entire life that he was moving.
His mother looked down at him with tears rolling down from her eyes. “They are.” she assured him.
He took a couple of seconds just to look at his hands. His beautiful hands that were moving at his command, his fingers that flexed when he wanted them to flex. He felt weak, but he felt.
“But what about…” his hands retreated to the brace over his neck. If everything was fine, why was he wearing a neck brace?
Her hands once again came down on top of his, soft and warm. God, he was glad his mother was here with him.
“I’ll go get the doctor.”
He was an older gentleman, white hair standing up from his scalp like a cloud. He didn’t look older than 60, but his genetics must have screwed him over with that one.
“Mr Potter, how are we feeling?” he asked in a heavy accent. Maybe German. “I’m Doctor Boswel.”
“I’m not sure,” he said. “My head hurts. Neck too.”
It was the truth. He felt disoriented, constantly dizzy. His head didn’t hurt too much, but he didn’t want to leave anything out. That was a difficult task though, because the pain was mostly dampened by a numbing feeling in his entire body, but especially down his fingers and legs. He just wanted the doctor to fix him, whatever it was that required him to wear a brace.
“Well I should hope so, you’re likely severely concussed.” he said.
Well that was at least good. Feeling the pain that should be there was good.
“And your neck..” he started, and James felt his hands twitch. “I don’t know if you’re religious, son, but you should find someone to thank.”
He didn’t know what that meant. Of course, it meant that James wasn’t about to die, that he should be grateful for something. Was he trying to tell him that everything was fine?
“So, I didn’t injure my neck?” he asked. If he had to guess, he probably looked like a kid on Christmas eve.
The doctor snorted. “No, I’m afraid you’re just lucky, not supernatural. You have a very real injury to your neck, but it could have been lots worse. I’ve been treating sports injuries like this for my whole career, and not a lot of people don’t walk out of the hospital after a hit like that.”
There it was. A partial answer to a question he hadn’ even dared to ask. A question he didn’t even dare to think about.
“So you’re saying..”
“I’m saying you’re walking out of here, son.”
James didn’t know how he was supposed to react to it. Should he celebrate? Be sad that he still had a neck injury? Yell ‘Yuu huu’?
Instead, the only response he could come up with was breaking down into tears. Real and heavy tears, sobs harsh and raw.
“Oh, my darling..” Euphemia said, pulling his hand up to kiss it, holding onto it like it was the only thing she had. James wished that she could have just given him a hug, but he supposed she couldn’t do that. He didn’t even know if it would make him feel better with the throb in his neck.
He looked over to the doctor, a smile forced onto his lips. He didn’t know anything about this man, but he had found the person he wanted to thank.
“The fracture is small and easily manageable, but it’s in the nerves that the real damage is. That’s likely why you’re not in too much pain.” he explained.
A fracture. That still meant that he had broken his neck. He tried consoling himself by reminding himself that the doctor said it was small and manageable. That was good news at least. He didn’t know too much about nerves, though. They led pain signals, and that was about it.
“It’s also the reason you were temporarily paralysed. You’ll likely experience a loss of feeling and strength until it’s all nice and healed up.”
James tried to nod before remembering that his neck was held hostage. He cringed, afraid that it would start hurting like crazy or that he would fuck it up.
Well, fuck it up more.
“What is the treatment?” his mother asked, voice still thick from crying. James knew that he looked most like his father, and maybe had more than a few of his adhd problems from him as well, there were still so many parts of him that reminded him of his mom. Both their cries and their laughs were one of them. He always found it beautiful how he had a piece of his mom with him when he was the saddest, but also when he was the happiest.
“For starters, I don't want you trying to walk around for a couple of days, not until we’re completely sure that you won’t get sporadic episodes of paralysis. A fall would not be good for your neck.”
Again, James had to stop himself from nodding. It made enough sense. He didn’t know much about anything, but he realised that force on his neck would not be anything good. Not if it was actually broken.
He had a hard time comprehending it, the fact that his neck was broken. Right now, as he was laying down in this bed, his neck was broken. Actually broken. It wasn’t anything like he would have thought it would be like: no cracking sound, no blood coming out of his nose or mouth. Nothing of the ways they make it look like in the movies.
It just sucked.
“You need at least two months rest before taking up any physical activity, and even then, it has to be a slow start.”
James swallowed. It wasn’t that he’d expected anything less, considering his neck was broken (actually broken). Two months seemed reasonable enough. He remembered when he broke his hand in high school and he had to wear a cast for six weeks. This was only two weeks longer than that. Of course, he was back on the ice one week after the incident, but he could do it. Two months weren’t that long. It was just summer break.
“That’s just in time for the first game after christmas.”
“James.” his mother warned, but he kept his eyes on the doctor. He did not like the look the old man was sporting.
“Hockey is a rough sport,” he said. Like James wouldn’t know. He just broke his neck playing it. “I don’t want you playing it until we’re completely certain that your nerves have healed up completely.”
“And how long would that take?” he asked more quickly than what he thought was polite.
Doctor Boswel shook his head. “It’s hard to say, everyone heals up differently.”
“But how long would you guess?”
He sighed. “Why don’t we wait until the fracture is healed before talking hockey?”
He was not allowed to go home that day. Well, it was more like morning, considering he’d been passed out for most of the night. Apparently, he’d blacked out before he even came to the hospital, and woken up in the morning.
“You know, I’ve never seen Monty that scared before.” his mother told him, a sad look in her eyes. “I mean, we were both scared when you were hit, but it was like he knew what was going to happen before you even hit the boards.”
James hadn’t really thought about what it had looked like from the outside. He didn’t want to think about it. It was too close to thinking about what it had been like for him.
“He was up before I had the chance to even process what was happening, and dragged me down.”
It was weird to think about his father like that. He’d never seen him scared before. Only saw him cry a couple of times.
Still, it wasn’t him that James was the most worried about. There was a reason his father wasn’t here, and James didn’t even have to ask to know that he was with Sirius. He was with their other kid.
“Sirius?” he asked.
His mother’s face softened in an instant, bringing his hand up to under her chin, very much alike to what she had done earlier. Maybe that was her way of hugging him without hurting him.
“Monty nearly had to tackle him to the ground when he got there. Your coach was trying very hard to keep him there, but you know how Sirius can get.”
James laughed lightly. When Sirius got laser focused on something, there was little to be done to stop him. If James knew him right, he was trying to fight anyone that touched him. He knew that because it was exactly what James would have done.
“Is he ok?”
That made his mother laugh as well. “You’re not the one who’s supposed to ask if someone is ok.”
She was probably right, but this was different. He knew Sirius, and he knew how he handled things, which was not handling them at all.
“I guess Crouch should be lucky that his face is still intact.” He spat his name out like it was a piece of old fruit. Surprisingly enough, he was still a little angry with the guy.
Euphemia cut a grimace. “I wouldn’t say that.” she said.
James frowned. Did they let go of Sirius? Fuck, he was probably suspended for the season if they did.
“What?” he said, anticipation building in his chest. He didn’t want Sirius out of the game because of him, especially since he wouldn't be playing for a while himself. The team needed him.
“Suspended for two games.” she said thoughtfully.
Only two games? He must have gone lightly on him.
His mother continued. “Didn’t think he had it in him. Such a calm and nice young man, very much like you, but he just completely snapped.”
“Sirius? Calm?” he asked bewildered. It was like she’d partially raised him, but didn’t know anything about him. That couldn’t be right.
Euphemia’s eyes widened before she let out a laugh.
“Oh, no, Sirius was very much held in place by your father. It was Evan that took care of him.”
Evan.
His mind forced him back into the memory. He wished he’d gotten a bigger concussion, just so that he could have forgotten all about it.
He wished he didn’t remember when he hit, but he did. It was like a slow sail where he saw the goal soar past him. He’d tried to turn himself around, but it was useless. Ice was very slippery.
He wished he didn’t remember when Crouch had hit him. When his head first hit the boards, it wasn’t too bad, but he barely got to be grateful for it before the weight hit him like a bulldozer. He’d felt his head twist opposite of the way the rest of his body was pressed, and all he could think was no. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening to him.
It was very much happening to him.
He wished he didn’t remember when he’d laid there, sprawled out on the ice, something pulsating in his neck.
Most of all, he wished he didn’t remember what it was like to lay there, completely motionless, unable to move any of his limbs. He couldn’t even move his head. James wasn’t scared of a lot of things, but he was when his body failed him.
The worst part of it all had been Evan. He had been right there, on his hands and knees over him, calling his name. James remembered the feeling of being afraid his lungs might stop working. His chest started itching at the thought.
He remembered that he called out for him, desperate and afraid. He looked so scared. If Evan looked that scared, he didn’t want to imagine what he had looked like himself. What his mother had come to.
God, that must have been difficult for her, seeing her son paralysed on the ice.
“I'm sorry.” he choked out, feeling the tears starting to build up again. He was still so scared, terrified of what could have happened. The doctor had said so himself, it was a miracle that he could even move.
“James, darling.” she said, reaching out a hand to hold his face. It was warm and caring, and he had to admit it made him feel a little less heavy. He would never be able to escape the fact that he would crumble up and die without physical contact.
“You’re fine.” she said so low that he barely caught it.
How was it that his mother always knew what to say?
He wasn’t let out that day, and not the day after that. The whole Sunday went by in what was an awful dream. He’d regained some feeling in his body, which, though very reassuring to him, was not in the slightest comfortable. That meant that he was starting to really hurt. And when James said it really hurt, he meant it. He kept wanting to throw up, though he wasn’t sure whether it was because of the concussion or just the amount of discomfort he was feeling. His mother tried her best to be there for him, but there was only so much she could do.
The nurses routinely gave him pain relief medication, but they only helped superficially. He didn't feel so much of his neck at all, but he could feel that something was terribly wrong with it. He was given something for the nausea by the nurses to prevent him throwing up with his neck in such a fragile state, but he still felt like he was about to. Multiple times, he’d gotten panic attacks and tried ripping off the brace, though the nurses and his mom were quick to stop him. That meant that he couldn’t have the door closed, just so that they could hear if something was going on.
It was easily one of the worst days of his life. Dr. Boswel would routinely remind him that he was positive that he would make a full recovery, but sometimes he found that hard to believe. Just as he had said, he experienced episodes of paralysis, though none as severe as when he couldn’t move at all. He mostly lost all control and feeling in his lower body, while his upper body had some movement. Those were the worst kinds of panic attacks, when he couldn’t really do anything but cry.
That was the entire first day in the hospital for him, just a lot of pain and suffering and tears. Never in his life had James felt that amount of fear and desperation in his life. He just wanted it to end, the constant pain and discomfort, the awful feelings and nausea. For obvious reasons, he was not allowed any visitors that day besides his mother, or the day after. They said that he would get that once he started feeling better. The most unfortunate part was that she had to leave after visiting hours were over at 7 pm, even though she was right back there when they opened again. That meant that James had to spend the night by himself. Thankfully for him, the nurses were great, giving him everything from a pep talk and regular conversation when he was feeling a bit up, and a pat on the back and a hand to hold when he felt like he could die.
The following day was a little better, if he tried to look at the positives. He managed to only have one panic attack after waking up from a very lively nightmare (it was just a memory if he was honest), but was calmer than the day before. The pain was a little worse, he had to admit, but the nausea was better. The only thing he clung onto was the fact that Dr. Boswel had smiled when he said the pain was getting worse. Apparently it meant that the swelling was going down, which was something, he supposed.
It was hard finding anything other than that to cling to. Besides the pain of it all, he kept reliving that moment. He kept wishing that he’d just hit his head a little harder, maybe he would have forgotten it. No, he still had to see it, still had to hear Evan call out his name like that.
To pass the time, Euphemia had started to read from one of his favourite books as a child, one about a wolfhound. He couldn’t really pay that much attention to it, but trying was a nice distraction. She barely ever left the room, and always made sure that there was a nurse beside him whenever she needed to use the bathroom. It was tiring to never be alone, but he got it. The thought that the panic attacks were bad enough to make him try and rip the neck brace off terrified him.
The first day was mostly just about getting through, but the second day, he also had to run a bunch of different tests, most of them in machines and his blood levels.
The third morning was better. The pain didn’t get worse, and his nausea was manageable with the medication.
«How are we feeling?» Liam asked as he entered the room. Liam was his favourite nurse, because he was the one that brought him the good stuff (that was his pain medication).
«Tired.» he answered.
«I heard you barely slept tonight?» he asked as he rolled in a tray. It was true. He had barely let his eyes fall shut, but woke up pretty fast again. Sleeping meant dreaming. Dreaming meant memories. «Was it the pain keeping you up?» he asked.
Of course, the pain hadn’t exactly helped, but it was mostly because of the memories. It was too fresh for him. He couldn’t stop seeing Evan’s face every time he closed his eyes. He saw Evan’s face and felt that helpless feeling of when he thought his lungs was about to stop responding to him, just like the rest of his body had. He thought he was going to die on that ice.
«Yeah.» he said instead. He knew that if he said the real reason, they would want him to talk about it. A small part of him wished that he was just remembering it wrong, that it didn’t go down like that. If he said it out loud, then he lost that shrivel of hope. What if someone confirmed what he was saying?
«Well, I’ve got something for that as dessert after you’ve finished breakfast.» he said, and James sighed. Food was difficult, because it took effort to keep it down. Still, he wasn’t a kid, he knew he had to eat it if he ever wanted to see the better end of that stick.
«Yum.» he mumbled.
He did manage to keep it down, but it was terrible. It didn’t help very much that it was dry and tasteless either, but he managed.
Liam promised him that if he was feeling better by the time he came with lunch, he would try and see if a visit from more than just one parent would be possible. James loved his mother with all his heart, but he needed to talk to someone else. Most of all, he really fucking needed Sirius. He couldn’t imagine either of them were doing too good. Euphemia kept reassuring him that Fleamont had him under control, and that he was doing fine enough, but James knew Sirius. He knew how he would bottle things up until it was too much for him.
By the time lunch rolled around, James was not up for any visitors. There was still a lot of crying that day, a lot of pain, and a motherfucker of a headache. He had not gotten any more sleep, and started feeling like his eyes were melting out of his head.
When Liam came back after James finished the soup, he had a small cup with him. James had already taken the ones that came with the lunch, but maybe he forgot one.
«I’ve brought you something to help you sleep.» he said with a smile.
«Thank you.» his mother said after James was quiet for a while.
He regarded the cup, but felt something brewing up inside his chest. «No.» he said as Liam moved closer to him with that cup.
«I assure you, this will only help you sleep, which you desperately need.» Liam said, but James wasn’t having it.
«No.» he repeated, more firmly, though his voice was shaking.
«James, what’s wrong?» his mother asked, concern braided into her voice.
He felt an intense need to shake his head. «No, I don’t want it.» he said. The corners of his eyes were getting wet. Not another panic attack, he thought. Please.
«You need to sleep, darling.» Euphemia said, stroking one hand over his forehead.
«I don’t want to.» he said through a lump in his throat. «Please don’t make me.»
«Why don’t you want to sleep?» Euphemia asked.
«The best remedy for the pain is rest, there’s only so far medication can take you.» Liam jumped in with.
«No, please, I can’t do it.»
Euphemia gripped his hand tightly with her other one. «James, talk to me. Why don’t you want to sleep?»
«I keep seeing it.» he said, as the tears started to trail down his cheeks. It burned his dry skin that had experienced too much salt the past few days, houra, James wasn’t entirely sure.
«The accident?» she asked.
Calling it an accident was a funny way of framing it. It was James getting distracted after working up a notoriously rough player for an entire round. It wasn’t an accident as much as it was James getting what was coming for him.
«Yeah.» he croaked out. He had said that he didn’t remember it. They had believed him. Now, he was paying the consequences. «I can’t do it.»
«I know,» his mother said. «But you have to.»
«No, no, please…» he began, but Euphemia hushed him down again.
«I know, darling, I know, but you just have to get through it, ok? I will be right beside you when you fall asleep, and we’ll find a solution when you’ve had some rest.»
«I can’t do it, mom…»
He was crying, properly sobbing. It made him feel like a toddler.
«You can, James, I know you can. I can’t help you unless you’ve gotten some rest.»
«When you wake up, I can have arrangements made for you to speak with a professional.» Liam said with a kind smile. Nurses really were something when they were good at their jobs. They got shit pay compared to doctors, but James felt like they were the ones helping him the most, and all with a kind smile.
«You’re a professional.» he said to his mum, but she was shaking her head.
«I am your mother, and it needs to stay that way. When you wake up, I’ll have found you the very best to help you get through this, I promise.»
James was no stranger to therapists. You didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD by simply asking for it. «But I’m scared.» he said. He’d never felt more like a kid before. Scared to fall asleep, out of all things.
«But you can do this, you’re strong enough.»
James did take the pill, and was knocked out in thirty minutes. He tried fighting against it, might have even gotten another panic attack, but nothing was stopping his body from getting that sleep.
Just as he feared, he dreamt again. He dreamt about the accident, and different outcomes. He dreamt about himself permanently bound to a bed, about himself lying in an open casket.
Just as he feared, he woke in a cold sweat, heart beating fast.
Just as promised, the morning after, he was greeted by a tall woman just about his mother’s age.
«Hello James, I am Dr. Salgado.» she said. She took a seat right beside his bed. «Your mother told me that you were struggling with some sleep?» she said, like she didn’t already know.
«Yeah.» he responded. She looked just like his mother would before leaving for work. Incredibly well put together, but still a warmth to her, one that made you trust her. Good therapists were practically just sociopaths getting paid.
He talked to her for maybe an hour. He didn’t really open up about everything he remembered, still not able to put it into words, and it didn’t really help. Still, he was Euphemia’s son, and he knew things like this took time. He wouldn’t get better before he talked about everything, and he wouldn’t do that before he was ready and trusted Dr. Salgado. Mostly, they had just talked about superficial things, a lot about hockey and history. In that way, he supposed that it was nice.
One thing she had said that made him like her just a little more, was that she thought it was in my best interest that Sirius and Fleamont were allowed a visit, and that she would talk to his doctor. Or, his other doctor, as he guessed that she was one of them now.
Before that could happen though, he had another meeting with a completely different doctor, Dr. Williams, a neurologist. She took a couple of her own scans and tests before running off for a couple of hours as doctors would do. In the meantime, Euphemia managed to finish the book for him, and they were left with no other options than to ask Fleamont to bring in the big guns when he came: Nancy Drew. He hadn’t read those since he was like eight, and didn’t particularly feel an intense want, considering he was a full twenty year old man, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Euphemia refused to read any syllabus to him.
Dr. Wiliams could come with good news, saying that she was almost positive that no surgery would be necessary. She couldn’t be completely sure though without monitoring it a bit longer, just making sure that everything was healing up nicely. He guessed he would see a lot more of her in the future.
The hours rolled by, and after he and his mother had gotten through almost three episodes of the Myths and Legends podcast, dinner time came up. That meant Sirius and his father would be there soon.
James had to admit that he was feeling scared about it. He didn’t know much about how either his father or Sirius was doing, Euphemia only saying that she wanted him to focus on himself.
It wasn’t Liam that came with his dinner that time, but Jane, another nurse that he had seen a lot of. She was a bit older, maybe in her forties. Liam couldn’t be working every hour of every day now, could he?
«Are we feeling up for visitors?» she asked as she rolled in the tray containing food and the goods. That was one thing he noticed about nurses. They loved asking how ‘we’ were doing like they were also in a neck brace. He didn't really mind it though. He found it funny, if nothing else.
«We definitely are.» he responded. If this had been any other day, he would not have been feeling up for seeing anyone, but this was different. He really needed to see them.
«Wonderful, I’ll lead them right up when they arrive. It was your brother and father coming?» sve asked.
«Yeah.» James responded. Sirius wasn’t really his brother, but he didn’t want to suddenly be jumped with the «family only.» message. Besides, his parents had been his legal guardians since he was about fifteen, that had to count for something. They were written up as his immediate family in case of an emergency.
Him and his mother didn’t talk a lot when they ate. James certainly felt less sick that day after getting some sleep, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience still. Also, he didn’t like eating with the brace on. It was just weird honestly.
«Are you excited to see them?» she asked.
James was sure this was a point where he would make some joke about being tired of just seeing her, but he was tired. He was in pain, and honestly, more than a little sad. In just a few moments, his whole life had been turned on his head. The doctors kept telling him that they were sure he would be able to keep playing hockey, but what he worried about was time. He only had one year left before having to think about his NHL draft, and he worried that this might set him too far back. What if he wasn’t as good anymore? What if he wasn’t even good?
«Yeah.» he responded instead. That seemed to be the only thing his mind conjured up those days.
«I know Sirius has been dying to come here. Monty practically had to hide the keys to the car to stop him.»
James smiled at that. At least that sounded like something Sirius would do. It was just like him to try and break into a hospital because his friend was in there.
The rest of the meal was mostly silent. James tried to save his energy, because he knew he would need it. He was just so tired all of the time. It was probably because of the medication they had him on.
When the knock finally came on the door, James felt his palms starting to sweat. For the first time, he got the inkling that maybe he didn’t want this. Maybe he didn’t want Sirius to see him in this state. Maybe Sirius didn’t want to either.
When the door opened, it was Jane’s smiling face that met him, and she stepped inside, and James’s heart plummeted. Right behind her was his father, swollen eyed and wet face. He didn’t know what he had expected to see, but he didn’t think it would be his father crying. In retrospect, he probably should have, his father had always been the more emotional one in the family, the one that cried when James had written him a poem for fathers day when he was six, and just learned how to spell. His mother would never marry an emotionally unintellegent man, now, would she?
«Oh, my boy.» he said with a thick voice, and grabbed his hand to bury his face in it. It got wet with tears, but James didn’t care. His dad was there. He even felt the tears start filling up his own face again, making his sore eyes sting again.
«Dad.» he said in a broken voice, reaching for him with his other hand. God, did it feel better to have his dad there. The last few days had been a literal hell for him, but his dad was finally there.
«I’ve been so worried about you.» he said. James already knew that his dad would worry, but it still hit him like a knife. He hated the thought that he was making the people he loved worried.
Then, James’ eyes lifted up towards the door. What he was met with there could have completely broken him. Sirius looked like he had tried to dress nicer than just pj’s, but his face and hair revealed the state that he had been in for the last few days. The only time James had ever seen Sirius’ hair this unkempt was after they moved to America. The only time he had seen him this tired, bags under his eyes, pale face and stubble was after they moved to America. James never thought he would be the reason for him looking like that again.
«I’m sorry.» he found himself muttering, looking with wide eyes at the boy standing in the doorway. He looked like he’d seen a ghost, like a thousand yard stare.
«Don’t be fucking sorry.» he mumbled, finally moving towards him. He didn't go straight to grabbing his other hand, istead just throwing himself over him, doing this thing where he buried himself in James’ shoulder. It was the closest thing he had gotten to a hug since the game, and he really needed it.
«Don’t be fucking sorrry James, I’m the one who’s sorry.» he cried into his shoulder.
They couldn’t all be fucking crying, it was just too much for him. Why was everyone crying? Even his mother had tears in her eyes, that traitor.
«Why are you sorry?» James choked out. «It wasn’t even your shift.»
Sirius hulked, and James felt the fabric of that god awful hospital gown getting wet from it. «I’m sorry, I should have been there.»
«But it wasn’t even your shift.» he reiterated. James didn’t understand how Sirius could ever think that this was his fault, but he could understand taking the blame for things he had nothing to do with. They were similar in that regard, at least.
«I should have kicked his ass.» he said, making James smile.
«I’m glad you didn’t.»
His father finally lifted his head from James’ hand. «Then he would have had to go through me and Richard.» he said. Sirius was strong, but Coach was stronger. He wouldn’t have any shot.
For a couple of minutes, they just cried. James realised that all of them had been scared, and that what they needed was to be together. Sometimes you just needed to know that your family was there. Superficially, he knew that both Sirius and his father were there for him, but it was an entirely different thing to actually have them there.
His father and Sirius started telling him about all the different letters and presents they had gotten. The neighbours had baked some muffins (which they ate, it wasn’t gluten free), and Coach had brought Lily and Sorcha (that would be the wife) to cook some dinner for them. At least he knew they hadn’t been all alone in that house for the last few days. He would have to remember to call and tank Lily and Coach for that when he got his phone back.
Apparently, the whole thing had gotten quite big on twitter, especially because they still hadn’t decided on what kind of punishment to give Crouch. In a strange way, James found himself hoping that he wasn’t kicked out of the sport. That dude had some talent, if he just learned some fucking manners. Maybe Evan managed to beat some into him.
Another thing that surprised him was the amount of support from the school. A couple of girls from his History class had gotten together to make a present from the history students, finished with a card signed by nearly all of them. The girl’s hockey team had also given him some sort of package, which he did not at all expect. The girls and the guys hockey team didn’t really have anything to do with each other.
What he found to be at least a little sad was that Sirius hadn’t really talked to any of the guys on the team. He was worried that Sirius would lock himself away, and when he heard that Remus was calling him at least eight times a day, he’d felt a little relieved, but he’d expected him to talk to the guys. He wanted to know how they were doing, maybe Evan most of all.
His parents and Sirius didn’t get to stay there for long before they were ushered out by Jane who couldn’t wait to get him some sleeping pills and into bed (which he was already in, might he add). There was some anxiety about it that night too, but he managed. Seeing his dad and Sirius really helped him feel more optimistic about the whole thing. It gave him something else to think about other other than what haunted his nightmares, so he also felt a little optimistic about his sleep.
The next day went pretty much in the same manner. Dr. Williams ran a few tests, though this time she included some physical as well. He had to try and squeeze this thing with his hand, and then it said a bunch of numbers that she took note of. He didn’t think he was doing too well.
Dr. Boswel also checked in on him, wanting to know how the neck was feeling, whether or not he felt any pain down his spine or up his skull (which, thankfully, no). He also had another session with Dr. Salgado, which mostly went by as the last one. He told her about his last nightmare, which was pretty much just a reprise of the previous one.
His dad and Sirius also stopped by that day, bringing him some snacks, which damn near made him cry. He was feeling loads better that day, mostly because the headaches and nausea were improving significantly, and that meant he was starting to actually crave some food. He didn’t know if he would count what he was being served there as food.
It wasn’t until Thursday that he was finally allowed some visitors that weren't his family. That meant that Lily, Remus and Mary were coming. A small part of him wished that meant that he could get the hockey team over, but that was apparently a no go. Besides, he didn’t think he had it in him just yet. He loved the guys, but they could be a lot.
Because of his friends visiting and him feeling incredible compared to that sunday (he still was feeling like shit though, he just didn’t want to end it all anymore), his mother decided to stay home, which was incredibly difficult for him, actually. He didn’t realise how much it helped having her there to occupy him during the days truly helped, but he did manage to get through. They let him read the book himself, though holding it up was tiring and difficult for him. So they eventually allowed him to watch some television for a limited amount of time.
That meant he was restricted to watching one man trying to pretend he wasn’t in love with his best (and probably only) friend who was a flaming asexual. Sherlock really was one of a kind.
When Jane came to give him his lunch that day, she also took the remote back with her. James had tried arguing with her, but she was relentless. That meant that James had to switch from watching big Mr Sherlock solving crimes to reading about little miss Sherlock doing the same, but without the aid of her ‘mind palace’ and the power of homoeroticness.
Eventually, there was a knock on the door a little after he had finished the food. Jane stuck her head in, acknowledging the empty plate with a satisfied nod.
«I have some dessert for you.» she said, opening the door just a little bit further, revealing two faces. «Though I don’t recommend trying to eat it.»
«Come on, he needs a snack.» Sirius responded with a grin.
Remus did not look like he was in the mood for sass, a worried, yet relieved smile over his face.
«Jesus Christ, James.» he said, stepping past both Sirius and Jane.
James chuckled in response. Was there a protocol of how to act after what had just happened the past week? Did they laugh about it? Did they cry?
«It’s not funny.» Remus said, though he was chuckling right back.
«Then why are you laughing?»
«I don’t know.»
There was a sound of a door shutting, and Sirius came right up beside where Remus stood in front of the bed. «Don’t laugh at the disabled, moony.» he scolded.
«I’m not disabled.» James defended.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. «Yeah? Go and get me something from the vending machine then.»
«Fuck you.»
Remus slapped the back of his hand against Sirius. «Shut up, I’m talking to James.»
«Well, I was also talking to him, but be my guest…»
It made James smile. He had been worried. Really worried that this would somehow be so strange. That they would come in and look at him with pity and treat him like he was fragile. His two best friends coming in and starting to banter and roast was exactly what he needed, actually.
Eventually, James was able to convince them to pull in chairs so that they weren’t looking down at him. There were only two, and he just guessed that he was only allowed two visitors at time, leaving Lily and Mary waiting outside.
«How are you feeling?» Remus asked because you can’t ignore the obvious questions upon seeing someone in a hospital bed with a neck brace.
«Like a champ.» James stuck a thumb up in the air.
«Are you in pain? Can you feel much?»
James almost forgot who he was talking to. The fucking physical therapist student. God help him when Lily got in there.
«I’m fine, Remus. They said I was very lucky, actually.» he said, kind of proud. It wasn’t like he had anything to do with him doing remarkably fine, all things considered. That honour went to the doctors, God, and the rest of them as well. What was that Voltaire quote? This is no time to be making new enemies. James was open to any religion as long as they were open to letting him walk if he was being completely honest. Maybe this would be the thing that turned him religious. You could never be too sure. It wasn’t like he never went to church either, he went with his father on christmas eve to put in some stocks for heaven.
«Well thank God for that.» he sighed.
All this talk about God. James started to rethink his newfound openness for religion, that seemed like such a hassle.
«Don’t thank him yet.» James reminded him. He was still in a hospital bed. Even though every doctor was positive that he would be fine, you could never know with certainty.
«I am, that was terrifying. Fuck you for that.»
James threw his arms out to the side. «What did I do? I am the victim here.»
«And fuck you for scaring us half to death. You had me praying to God just in case.»
James didn’t know if it was a sign, but it was creepy. No, if God was real, James decided that he had no business up in his business.
«Well I didn’t mean to…» James started, but was quickly cut off.
«Be real James.» Sirius said with a pointed look. «You know better than to toy with Crouch like that.»
James frowned. «Are you saying it was my fault?»
«No, god no.» Sirius quickly interjected. James wondered if he should convert to Buddhism or something, he wanted to get away from this God. «No one’s blaming you, but you were being stupid.»
He was being stupid, that much was true. James avoided getting into scuffles with other players, not only because he wanted to focus more on scoring, but also because he wasn’t used to it. He could see differences like that between Frank and Sirius, as an example. Frank was focused on the play because he usually didn’t fuck around, but Sirius always looked behind his shoulder. James wasn’t used to having to worry too much about dirty checks.
«Well, sorry then.» he responded.
Both Sirius and Remus sighed. Remus placed a hand on James’ shoulder. «Don’t say that, just be more careful. It just wasn’t like you to act like that, that’s all.»
«Yeah.» he mumbled. He didn’t exactly know what on earth had been going on. He had been doing things that weren't like him for quite some time before the game. Things like lying to his best friend and accidentally looking just a bit too long at his little brother's lips. Maybe he did need God after all.
Slowly as Remus finally moved on from scolding him and checking him like he knew better than an actual doctor, James felt the previous worry melt away. It wasn’t anything scary. It was just his friends. Maybe he had been scared that they would somehow treat him differently, but the fact that they were calling him dumb for riling up Crouch was somehow reassuring that he was still James, just injured.
Remus told him about how everyone on the team was doing, how they were asking him each and every day for updates since Remus was the only one in contact with Sirius. While Sirius was skipping practices, Remus was back on track, making sure no one else on the team tried their chances with fate. James was glad, he didn’t want everyone’s life temporarily uprooted because of him.
Eventually, Remuas had started getting text after text from an impatient Lily, and they had to cut it off. After all, James didn’t think he couldn’t handle visitors for too long anyway.
Remus gave his hand a weird kind of hug before following Sirius out of the door. For just a few moments, the room was eerily silent after all of the chatter and laughs that had just previously filled it. He never hated the hospital room more than he did at that very moment.
Then, the door burst open, letting in a flood that was Lily Evans, followed closely by Mary.
«Oh my god, James.» she said, not wasting a single moment grabbing his hand and taking the closest chair. What was the deal with everyone grabbing his hand, anyway?
«Hey.» he chuckled, more in surprise than anything at her sudden entrance.
Mary looked just as perplexed as him, taking a seat and giving him a smile.
«You’re, like, actually ok?» she asked, catching James by surprise.
He narrowed his eyes. «Yes?»
«Don’t look at me like that.» she shot back.
«Sorry.»
«Don’t say Sorry.»
«Sor… My apologies.»
«James.»
«Sorry.»
She dropped his hand, sighing loudly. Mary started to laugh quietly. «Anyway..» she dragged out the word. «My point is that you’re actually fine, and Sirius was telling the truth.»
That made him frown. «The truth? Why would he be lying?»
«Well, not lying, but he’s such a fucking guy. Don’t you remember that time you got drunk and broke your nose, but Sirius said it was fine?»
«Actually, no.» he grimaced. He did remember that he broke his nose going between parties, but he didn’t actually remember it. All he had was snapchat memories from Mary’s phone.
«It doesn’t matter, my point is that Sirius is unreliable.»
«I thought your point was that I’m actually fine?»
«Can you not, I’m trying to check on you.»
His hands came up defensively. «Sorry.»
Lily rolled her eyes, and slapped his hands down. «Stop.»
«You can’t hit me, I’m hospitalised.»
«Oh bite me, I thought you lost feeling in your hands?»
James smiled. Somehow Lily just always knew. She just knew when James wanted someone to be vulnerable and caring with him, and when he needed a break from it. Either that, or James was still so fucking in love with her that he just wanted her, whatever way she treated him. Tomato, tomato.
«Not all feeling.» he clarified.
Lily sighed. «Ok, sorry. How are you doing then?»
«Fine until you started abusing me.»
She jolted with a shocked face. «I didn’t abuse you, you could barely even feel it.»
Mary jumped in with a thoughtful expression. «So you’re saying you could ethically torture paralyzed people since they can’t feel it?»
«Who the fuck said anything about torturing paralyzed people?»
Mary shook her head with an annoyed glance. «Me? Like two seconds ago, pay attention.»
Lily shook her hands in front of her like she was wiping the air. «I don’t care, actually. James, what did the doctors say?»
He shot her a smug look. «That you’re talking to a certified lucky boy.»
«Atta boy.» Mary grinned at him. «I knew it would take more than that to get through that thick head of yours.»
He gave her a sideways look, but Lily seemed intent on ignoring her. «What does that mean? How fine are you going to be?» she asked.
James wanted to shrug. How was he supposed to live for weeks without being able to shrug? «I guess as fine as I can get. Like, I’m going to be walking and stuff.»
Lily smiled. «Well, that’s great.»
James smiled back. It was pretty great. «Yeah.» he agreed.
«How is it in the hospital though? Do they let you use the television?» she asked.
«Only a little bit. They say I’ve got a concussion.»
Lily huffed. «Good, you don’t need brain damage as well.»
He scowled. «But what if I’m bored?» he asked.
She gave him a sceptical look. «You’ll be more bored if you have to stay here longer.»
Touché.
They stayed for a while, talking about school and everything else. Mary told him about the mock trial she almost fluked because of him, and Lily told him about a meet they had with LSU in a few weeks. It was a nice change of pace from only speaking to Sirius and his parents. Even though they tried to play it off cool for him, he could tell that it pained them to see their son in a hospital. Sirius was doing a pretty good job at hiding it, but James knew it was hard for him too. At least Lily, Mary and Remus could be happy with knowing that he was going to be fine, and that was just what he needed.
James could be happy with knowing he was going to be fine.