How to be Human

Three weeks passed in a blur of late nights with Sirius, sitting quietly in the back of his classrooms, and constantly being in James’ line of vision. The school, mostly Nurse Pomfrey, wanted Remus to have frequent sessions with the Psychology Professor, Mr. Binns, but he heavily protested. Dumbledore also wanted him to have frequent visits with him, but Remus, and all his friends, protested that, because honestly, the headmaster was kind of a quack. 

Those weeks went by so quickly for Remus that he had to often check to make sure he wasn’t dissociating. But he wasn’t. No one would allow him the time. And for once, he appreciated it. Everything had gotten darker than it ever had for Remus, and now that he knew what that felt like, he never wanted to go back. 

Surprisingly to them both, nothing was awkward between Remus and Sirius. 

Perhaps if Remus hadn’t begun to sob into Sirius in the middle of their kiss, things would have become complicated. But Remus sobbed for hours for his dead mother which really brought into perspective why Sirius had kissed him. 

Sirius kissed him.

Of course, once the tears stopped, Remus couldn’t get it out of his head. Three weeks went by like nothing, and he still dreamed of it. Sirius was ignoring every urge to do it again. And again. And again. 

But Remus needed time, if he even reciprocated Sirius’ feelings, because there were feelings, Sirius could accept that now (even though it had taken those three entire weeks to do so)

What really sunk it in was James bouncing into the dorm one afternoon with the official document agreeing that Remus could live his last year as a legal child with the Potter’s. Sirius lived at the Potter’s, and suddenly so did Remus. So whatever feelings he was hiding and harboring from himself, he’d have to accept, or that summer would be miserable. 

“You’re going to love them,” Sirius had said one morning by the lake. They decided to take a morning walk before class just a few days before they’d be leaving the castle. 

“You’ve said.” Remus smiled over at him, loving to hear him speak of the Potter’s. Sirius had opened up quite a lot about his family, and Remus realized that Sirius had never gotten the love he so desperately deserved. And then he had the Potter’s, and they were perfect, and loved Sirius so much it was even suffocating (in a good way) to Remus, and he hadn’t even witnessed it. 

“I know, but I’m so excited for you to meet them.” Sirius stopped and sat in the grass a few feet away from the water. It was a warm morning, bright and clear. Remus sat down beside him. “They’re going to love you.” 

Remus picked some grass from the ground. “I hope so.” He did have some nerves about moving in with people he’d never met, but he hadn't many other options. Plus, he’d be able to be with James, who he’d gotten even more close with, and Sirius, and those were the only people he needed. 

Peter, of course, as well, but he’d be on holiday. He would be sure to write, though. 

Sirius had looked over to Remus, nudged him with his elbow, and said, “How could they not?” 

They looked at each other, both thinking that that would have been a perfect moment to just lean over and…

But they didn’t. Sirius just rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, and Remus on Sirius’ head, and they sat there, soaking up the morning sun before classes. 

__________

It was a long train ride to the Potter’s manor. Rain decorated most of the scenery on the way there. Remus, Sirius, and James sat in a train car alone, riding through cities, mountains, and fields of nothing but a few cows. 

The ending of their sixth year at Hogwarts was significantly less sad than all the years previous. For starters, there wasn’t any leaving each other. Sirius didn’t have to go home. Remus didn’t have to go home. James didn’t have to go home worrying about his friends and their homes. 

Now, they all shared a home. 

They were each other’s homes. 

The ride was quiet, but comfortable. Sirius and Remus sat side by side and James across from them. Every once and a while, when he thought things were too quiet, James would slide his foot over, nudge one of his friends, and grin widely. 

James was so excited. 

He’d have all four of his most favorite people under one roof. There would be no worrying, no wondering. If he wanted to see how Sirius was doing randomly at seven p.m. on a Wednesday, he could just walk to his room. If he was having some anxiety about Remus, he could just cross the hall and peek into his room. And, since he wasn’t at school, he could also see his parents whenever he wished (because, of course, when he was at school, he worried about his parents). 

But that summer would be perfect. Everyone would be right there, surrounding him. He was so excited.

Sirius was just as excited for all the same reasons, but there was an underlying nervousness about it all. He was over the moon about having Remus there with him, but he also was worried because he knew Remus was nervous. He was meeting these people for the first time, and then immediately living with them. For two whole months. And they were responsible for him for the next year. 

Though, Sirius (and James) knew that once they met Remus, he was theirs. They were his. 

It was the Potter way. 

Most of Sirius’ worry came from having Remus so close. Always. And not in a school setting. And he’d be living with his new found revelation: 

Sirius was in love with Remus. 

He was very convinced of the fact. At the very least, he liked Remus a lot. 

But even though he’d never been in love, and didn’t know what it was like, he was pretty certain that love is what it was. 

He suddenly knew what it was like to kiss Remus, and the urge was always lying just beneath his skin. He suddenly knew why he could stare at the boy for hours without growing bored, or listen to him talk and talk and never ever want it to stop. When Remus wasn’t in his direct line of sight, he got this achy feeling in his chest. A tug to follow him wherever he went.

Sirius suddenly knew what it was like to be in love. 

And in love with a boy, at that. 

The crisis over what that made him had to be for another time because Sirius couldn’t handle it. He’d been called things all his life, but in those situations, they were meant as insults. But inherently, they weren’t. On their own, they were just things. Labels. Descriptors. 

Because really, why did being gay, and liking nail polish, and wearing glitter around his eyes make Sirius bad? 

It didn’t. 

Sirius loved Remus. Remus was a boy. And that was that. 

Nothing else mattered. 

Remus wasn’t freaking out, but he wasn’t not freaking out either. 

He was thinking about his dad. He was thinking about his mom. He was thinking about Sirius and his lips. He was thinking about James and how he realized he cared for James so dearly. He was thinking about Effie and Monty Potter. He was thinking about leaving Hogwarts, which always hurt. He was thinking about the year ending and a new one beginning. He was thinking of summer and what that all entailed for him. 

Remus was thinking. 

And he was feeling. 

He was allowing himself to feel everything that all those thoughts brought him. No one told him that feeling could be so exhausting. Everyone felt everything all the time; how did they manage?

But Remus Lupin was learning to be human, and humans feel things. So Remus was feeling things. 

And for however scary and confusing, it was also kind of nice. 

__________

James and Sirius Potter would have bet all the money in the world that Effie and Monty would be obsessed with Remus the moment they laid eyes on him. They would win that bet and then some because that’s exactly what happened. 

They arrived at the manor in a town car, pulling up to see the middle aged couple standing in the drive waiting. James jumped out before the car fully stopped. Sirius would’ve followed, but he grabbed Remus’ hand instead and led him out of the car. As James let go of his parents and turned to his brother and best friend, he beamed and presented them to his parents with his arms held wide. 

Effie embraced Remus so gently and so warmly that he had the overwhelming urge to cry. He didn’t, but he could have. Monty was a tall man, average build, and the kindest eyes Remus had ever seen. Eyes he’d only ever been used to on James. Monty embraced Remus just as tightly and Remus allowed it to happen. 

They all looked over when a loud sniff interrupted the moment. James was standing off to the side, watching all his people love each other, and he was hit with the overwhelming urge to cry. So, because he was James, he did. 

Sirius let out a laugh, Monty slapped the back of his head and went to fuss over his other son. Remus smiled while Effie looped her arm through his and led them all inside. 

The Potter’s lived in sparse wood on the outskirts of a small tourist town. The house itself was fairly large, and cottage-like, but it was so overfilled, with love, light, and miscellaneous, that it felt much smaller, much cozier. It was decorated with large windows, letting streaming sunlight in on warm and rich colors, plush furniture, too many pillows, stained glass and arched frame-ways. 

They had a lake behind a large back garden, with stone steps winding through the many wildflowers Monty tended to. 

When Remus saw it, he just thought of the summer he heard about where James and Sirius had spent their time playing football in the garden and lounging by the lake. He could picture them running and jumping over flowers, kicking the ball through the colors, laughing over petals. He could see the two of them, side by side in the grass, head up to the blue sky, talking without a care in the world.

He couldn’t believe he would get to be a part of it. 

The first few days were just settling in. Remus, accidentally, was very stand-offish, from

everyone, those first few days. He was sitting in his room, small and cozy with the most windows he’d ever seen in one room, looking out into the garden, soaking in the sun and the moon. Effie said they could put up curtains if he wished, but he politely declined, just as she hoped. 

Courtesy of everyone’s advice, Sirius gave him those few days. He let him stay quiet (not silent), closed in his room, and dazed. Because this was different than all the times before. He knew the feeling all too well, of being somewhere that never felt like home, then suddenly being somewhere that felt like the definition of it. Sirius thought Hogwarts would be the only place he’d ever feel safe at. Then he walked through the front door of the Potter’s and he felt every sense of fear and paranoia seep from his skin cells, locked away from him by Effie and Monty forever and ever. 

They’d protect and love him. He knew it. He felt it. 

Remus was feeling that now. He was taking it in. And because he’d only just learned to feel other, much simpler things, Sirius knew it had to be a lot for him. A lot, but not bad. 

After the first week, Remus came down to the kitchen just after the sun rose. He avoided doing this because he knew that the Potter’s were early risers, and he didn’t know if he was ready to be alone with just the parents yet. However, a small part of him was relieved when he walked into the room, and there was Effie. Just Effie. 

“Goodmorning!” It was warm and bright, yet not too overbearing for the early hours. “Would you like some coffee?” Then she put down the pot she picked up. “Wait, you prefer tea, don’t you? Sirius told me.” And then she was making him tea while he sat at the breakfast table quietly (not silently). He listened to the gentle music of the birds outside, the running of water, steaming of the kettle, Effie’s soft humming, and the metal of the spoon on ceramic as she stirred in the sugar. 

She sat across from him, sitting his mug down.
He thanked her softly. And she just stared at him for a moment. 

Remus tried to act like he didn’t notice, but after a while, he began to squirm under the gaze. She noticed immediately, and apologized. “I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve heard so much about you. From James and Sirius. We’re so happy to have you here, I really want you to know that, Remus.” 

He couldn’t speak for a moment because he wholeheartedly believed her. 

“I’m…I am happy to be here.” And it was so hard to get out, and so obvious to Effie. She just smiled, sort of sadly. 

“I’m terribly sorry about your mother. I’m sure she was a lovely woman. I mean, look what she gave birth to.” Remus stared at his tea. 

“She wasn’t.” Effie tilted her head. “Lovely, I mean. I didn’t…I didn’t like her. Very much.” 

Effie squinted. Remus wasn’t sure why he’d said it. He just felt like he could. 

“That’s okay,” she told him after a long moment. He looked at her.

“Is it?” Then, she squinted and nodded slowly. 

“I think so. My mother died a few years ago. We didn’t have a bad relationship, but we were never close. Monty came to comfort me when I told him the news and I just…didn’t need comforting. I was fine. I felt awful about the fact I didn’t cry. But she never felt like a mother. I didn’t have to mourn the loss of a mother, so I didn’t cry. It wasn’t as sad. So, yes, it’s okay. If that’s how you feel, then it’s perfectly okay.” 

Remus never felt so validated in his entire life. Knowing that someone felt the same as he did was so comforting. He knew he was sad about Hope’s death, but he wasn’t sad about his mother’s because he never felt like he had a real one. He wasn’t mourning the death of his mother, but a person he’d known his entire life. 

If that’s how you feel, then it’s perfectly okay. 

Then Remus looked at her. “Thank you.” 

After leaving Effie to prepare breakfast, Remus walked past his room and down the hall to Sirius’. He wasn't there, of course. Remus found him on the floor beside James’ bed, curled atop a pile of pillows and blankets, like a dog. He smiled at him for a moment from the doorway before creeping across the room and kneeling down. 

Without thought or worry, he brought a hand up and pushed Sirius’ hair back out of his face. He stirred, his previously peaceful, still face scrunched slightly as his eyes blinked open. Sirius thought waking to Remus’ face was the most beautiful thing and instinctively smiled up at him. 

“Mornin’ Moony.” 

Remus let himself fall onto the cushions, folding his legs under himself, getting comfortable. Sirius shifted and happily welcomed the intrusion to his (floor) bed. Remus looked calm, happy almost, peaceful. Content. 

Sirius noticed this immediately and waited until Remus was ready to say whatever he so obviously wanted to. 

After a few moments of blinking softly at each other, Remus said, “I am happy to be here.” 

Now, Sirius knew Remus was happy and grateful to be there. Remus knew Sirius knew this, but also needed to hear it because he worried. He needed verbal confirmation, even when, like in this instance, he didn’t know he did need it. And the stretch of Sirius’ lips confirmed it to them both. 

“I am so happy you’re here, Moony.” 

Then, above, from his bed, James murmured sleepily, “Is anyone happy I’m here?” 

Sirius laughed, Remus smiled, and James rolled lazily off his bed and onto the floor alongside them. 

__________

Remus slowly found himself hiding in different corners of Potter Manor. 

He fell in love with the moon again and spent many nights in the back garden or climbing a large tree by the lake. He tried new foods made by Effie and Monty and dinner times, when everyone gathered together around a table to eat and talk, became one of his favorite things. He was granted full access to Monty’s personal library, which no one else had (not even Effie), and he lost himself in the pages of too many books. He soaked up more sun than he imagined possible, letting the warmth of summer kiss him as much  as he could. 

He thought of the word often. Kiss. 

He thought of Sirius often and learned what he meant when he said that he missed Remus, despite him being right there. And he was always right there. Beside Remus. Around Remus. Touching and grabbing. Lounging and laying. Talking and listening. 

And whereas before it was mostly Sirius initiating and Remus allowing (and welcoming), Remus found himself being the initiator. 

When Remus was laying back on the couch of the library, and Sirius was laying by his feet, Remus would reach and rest his hand on him, or tangle his fingers in his hair, or grab his hand. When Remus was admiring the night sky between the branches of a tree, and Sirius was there to sit on the thick branches beside him, Remus would rest his head on his shoulder or wrap one of his hanging legs around Sirius’. And when the sun wasn’t too punishing and allowed them to lay out in the grass, Remus would move to use Sirius legs as a pillow, wanting to be against him in any way possible. 

Sirius had no complaints. 

He was actually relieved because he was finding his own self becoming more obsessed with Remus by the day. Their kiss replayed constantly in his mind. Every touch of his skin set him ablaze. Just looking at Remus sent Sirius in a spiral of so much want that he had to close his eyes and take a breath. 

He wanted nothing more than to know what Remus was thinking. About them, if he was at all. If the memory of Sirius’ lips caused heart palpitations and nerve endings to burn. If, when he looked at Sirius, his hands physically ached with the want to pull him closer. If Remus wanted- needed Sirius as much as Sirius needed Remus. 

It was a beautiful, thrilling, addicting torture.