How to be Human

Late nights in the middle of June turned to the early mornings at the beginning of July.

Effie began to task the boys with chores, if nothing but to stop them from trampling through the garden and hearing the football hit the side of the house. Remus appreciated these chores, Sirius didn’t but didn’t say anything, and James didn’t mind them, but openly complained every chance he got. 

It was mid-morning when Remus finished pulling all the weeds from the garden. Secretly, he was happy to do it because he thought maybe it would give him a bit of muscle. He knew Monty didn't mean harm by commenting on the fact Remus was so scrawny, but it bugged Remus because he was. He hoped that being under the sun, putting in a bit of labor, more than enough to sweat, would (in workings with all the food they seemed to shove down his throat) bulk him up a bit.

That week's chores took them all week. 

Remus clearing the garden.

James cleaning the gutters of the house.

And Sirius throwing out the junk in an old shed. 

It was a warm Thursday, blue skies decorated with fluffy clouds. That Saturday, it was meant to rain. As Remus found himself wandering down the small hill that led to the shed where Sirius was, he thought about how they could use a nice rain. How he could use a nice rain. 

There was loud banging and clanking from somewhere inside the small building that, quite frankly, looked like it would collapse at any moment. Remus noticed the pile of stuff blocking the door, so he walked around, looking for Sirius through the small windows. He stopped at one with the glass broken out, and leaned against it, peering in. 

Sirius popped up behind an old chair, hissing and holding his finger. “Shit,” he muttered. Then he looked up to see the slightly tanned, slightly sweaty Remus staring at him from the window and he jumped. “Shit!” Sirius hands flew to his chest as he heaved. “God, you need a bell.” 

Remus smiled widely. “You’re crabby.” 

Sirius frowned and stumbled over various objects to get to the window. 

“I love Effie. More than life. But oh my god, do you see all this stuff?” 

Remus scanned the room and Sirius had a point. It seemed that everything they didn’t want was thrown inside to be forgotten. He supposed it was easier to do that then to haul it off somewhere. The Potter’s wanted it emptied so Monty could tear it down and rebuild something better in its place. 

When Effie had them draw options out of a straw hat, Sirius had pulled the shed. 

He’d been working on it all week. He’d gotten all the actual junk that could be thrown away, out. Now all that was left was stuff to be organized into the boxes and brought to the garage.

“Need some help?” Remus asked after deciding that Sirius needed it. Plus, it was an excuse to hang out with him. 

“What about the garden?” 

Remus shrugged. “Done.” 

Sirius glared. “Show off.” He leaned against the window and sighed. 

Remus noted how close they were. On either side of a broken window, face not a foot apart. Sirius’ hair was knotted on top of his head, short and damp pieces falling over his face. His face was shiny with sweat, as were his arms. He wore a black, sleeveless shirt with his regular jeans. Sirius detested shorts. 

Remus wore a gray t-shirt that was slightly cut shorter (he had taken it from Sirius’ room) and some black basketball shorts (he had stolen from James). He thought about how disgusting he might look, but decided it didn’t matter because Sirius probably just appreciated the help. 

“That my shirt?” Sirius stood on his toes to look completely out of the window. Sirius saw the uneven cut of the bottom and smiled. “It is my shirt.” 

“Well I have, like, nothing but sweaters.” Remus frowned, although he was (mostly) sure Sirius didn’t mind. 

“Grandpa sweaters,” Sirius corrected. “Which, I don’t know why. It gets just as hot as Hogwarts until the end of September. You should invest in some t-shirts.” 

Then, Remus frowned for real and looked away, out onto the lake. “You know why.” 

And Sirius did. 

“I already told you I love your scars, so-“ 

Remus snapped his head up. “You most definitely did not.” 

Sirius made a face. “I most certainly did!” 

“You said they were badass. You possibly said you liked them. You did not say you loved them.” 

Secretly, Remus thought there was nothing to love about them, but he’s grown and learned that sometimes people love things about people that those people don’t love about themselves and that’s just the way it is. 

Sirius was thankful for the sun because he was pretty sure his cheeks tinted pink. “Yeah well, I’m telling you now.” 

Remus’ heart flipped and landed and spun around. 

“You love them?” He asked again, just to hear it again. 

Sirius reached through the window and began to trace the large scar down Remus’ face. Remus was sure that Sirius had done that at least a couple times before, but this time felt different. 

“I love them.” And there’s a world where that also meant I love you. 

__________

Euphemia Potter was a woman filled to the brim with love. 

She knew what it looked like. What it felt like. What it smelled and tasted like. What it sounded like. She had loved so many people in her lifetime and was loved by everyone who came across her. 

She loved her husband more than she loved herself.  

She loved her sons more than anything in the entire world. 

She had loved Remus Lupin before she’d even met him. 

James came home the summer after first year talking all about his new best friends. Of course, she knew her son and how easily he got attached to people. Before Hogwarts, James had many best friends. 

But by third year, when Sirius came to stay with them for the first time, they realized that this really was James’ best friend. They were two halves finally coming together. And that year, they heard all about a boy named Remus Lupin. 

At first, to them it sounded like Remus didn’t like the pair of them very much. Sirius had insisted he did, he just didn’t know how to show it. Effie and Monty, over the next few years, heard all about his scars, about how he was so funny when he wanted to be. How he loved to read and would have a heart attack if he saw Monty’s library. How he was smart without having to try. How he was quiet and still and calm. Sirius told them how he loved the moon and the stars and the sky. About all the nights they spent on the Astronomy Tower (leaving out how late they actually stayed out). 

Effie and Sirius were very close. She was his mother now, after all. He’d confessed to her over many letters how worried he was about Remus. How much he cared for him. How much he just wanted him to be okay. 

To Effie, it sounded like Remus was a boy who needed love. Who needed care. Who needed friends like Sirius and James in his life. 

When the news that Remus’ mother died reached Potter Manor, they were on the phone with Dumbledore the next minute working out solutions for the boy. They took him in without a thought. 

And it took them getting out of the car on that first day for Effie to see how much Sirius was absolutely infatuated. It’d been a month and over twenty odd something dinners together, she watched how Sirius would glance at Remus when he wasn’t looking. How he stretched his neck from across the table to see how much Remus had eaten. How, when Remus went to grab something, Sirius was already there holding it out for him. 

She’d watch through the window as they walked down to the lake together. How they’d sit close and hold on to each other like they were afraid the other would suddenly disappear. She’d catch Sirius at Remus’ feet as Remus played with his hair. She’d hear the quiet patters of footsteps as one of them would go into the other’s room at night. She’d see how they understood each other more than anyone else she’d ever witnessed. 

She saw how much they loved each other. 

Effie had heard war stories of Sirius’ life before the Potter’s. It used to keep her up at night, the cracks in her heart aching so much she would have to check on him when he slept.

Before he moved in, she often checked in with James on how he was doing. In the early years, before he would know, she’d sit at the dining room table and pray. And she wasn’t even religious. 

Sirius didn’t know what love felt like. But oh how he knew how to love. 

Effie could see it so clearly on his face, in his eyes. Hear it in his words. See it in his movements. She often would think of how wonderful the boy was. To have never had gotten love but had it flowing from the ends of his hair. He loved things so hard, much like James. Whereas James had love for everything, Sirius would deem things worthy enough of his love. 

It wasn’t a cheap thing. 

He knew that more than anyone. 

But when he loved something, like music, or thai food, or the stars, or Remus, he loved it. 

And oh how he loved Remus.

As much as Effie came to love the mousy boy as well, she thought about how lucky he was to have Sirius’ love. A thing only given to special things, and Sirius deemed Remus the most special thing of all. 

__________

The night danced gorgeously above their heads. 

Magically, James had turned in early for the night, meaning Remus and Sirius didn’t have to wait until late to stumble together down to the lake. They leaned on each other as they walked, as they fell down into the grass, and as they looked up to the sky. 

Slowly, the last streaks of a pinky-orange faded to a pale blue, and then finally to black. The clouds wisped in and out around the stars, never daring to cross the moon and dim its light. It was exceptionally bright and bounced off the water in little diamonds. The boys lay together, glowing in silver, breathing in sync, appreciating the stars, and the moon, and each other. 

There were two and a half weeks before the new year at The Hogwarts Academy would start. Secretly, they both were not sure how they felt about it.

“You wanna know something?” Sirius sighed out after a different conversation faded out.

Remus hummed softly in response. 

“I think this is the first time I’m not ready for summer to end.” Remus let his eyes close and basked in the comfort (and slight terror) that Sirius seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. “Everything’s been so perfect,” Sirius whispered. 

Sirius’s arm was spread out beside him and Remus’ head had been resting in the bend of his elbow. He opened his eyes and turned towards the other, Sirius’ hair fanned out and tickling his face. 

“It has been, hasn’t it?” Sirius looked at Remus and smiled a fleeting smile. “What’s wrong?” 

“Everything’s going to change when we go back to school.” 

“Why do you say that?” Then Sirius shrugged and looked back to the sky.

“I don’t know,” he responded softly. “I just have a feeling.” 

“Well, I hope it’s not a bad feeling.” Remus somehow sunk deeper into Sirius’ arm, into the ground. He tried pushing the rising anxiety, however faint it was, away. 

“Honestly?” Remus nodded. He only ever wanted honesty from Sirius. “I don’t know.” 

“That’s okay.” They fell quiet for a couple minutes. Then, “At least it can’t be as bad as last year.” Air around them thickened and Remus regretted bringing up such a dark time. 

“It wasn’t all bad, was it?” Sirius was thinking back to their previous year. There were moments, perfect moments, that he would think about often. But there were also moments where he thought the world would end. 

Remus looked back to Sirius. 

“No,” he whispered. “Not all bad.” 

“Just…mostly, at least, at the end there…”

“Yeah. The end.” 

“But even then…was it all bad?” The question was hesitant and interrupted by Sirius sitting up, causing Remus to shift off his arm, and prop himself up on his elbows. 

Somehow, some way, Remus knew Sirius was referring to their kiss. 

Their wonderfully, heartbreaking kiss. 

Remus stared at Sirius, Sirius stared nervously at Remus. That was the first time they’d mentioned it at all. Then, Remus found himself shaking his head slowly.

“Not bad at all.” It was slightly choked and hushed, the way his voice came out. 

Sirius could only nod and clear his throat. It was too dangerous to keep this up, he knew it was. He’d have to change the subject. He’d have to will his brain to think about anything other than Remus’ lips. Specifically, those lips on his. 

But it was also because for however much want and longing, there was just as much fear, and anxiety, and panic, and 

Oh my god and

What is he thinking? and 

What if he hated it? and 

What if he hates me for doing it?

What if….what if….what if….

“What are you thinking about?” This was Remus and Sirius stared at him for a couple seconds before deciding-

“I can’t tell you.” Remus tilted his head and his heart was starting to ache and his hands wanted to reach out and-

“You can tell me anything, Sirius.” 

Sirius. 

His name. 

On Remus’ tongue. 

Suddenly the waiting and the Remus isn’t ready felt like a dagger to the most vital artery in his heart and he needed to leave before…before…

“Not this,” Sirius said, pained. “I can’t.” There could have been tears that swelled, or maybe there were, Sirius’ head was growing fuzzy. He hadn’t planned on this conversation. Not that night. Not so soon. Not when the memory of Remus’ mouth still kept him up at night. 

“Can’t or won’t?” It wasn’t a challenge, it was curiosity. “Or,” Remus started. “Are you scared?” 

“God, Moony, I’m terrified.” 

“Of what?” 

“Of you.” 

Remus sat with that for a moment. “Just-”

“I can’t Remus. You’ll hate me.” 

“I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to.” 

Sirius was hurting. His bones, his blood, his veins, his cells. His being. Hurting with want. 

“I can’t. I can’t be the one to say it. I can’t be the one who- who-” 

“To say what?” 

It was a dance of back and forth. They both knew what they were talking about without saying it. But someone needed to say it. It was just a matter of who would break first. 

Sirius knew it couldn't be him. It just couldn’t. 

“Remus,” Sirius pleaded for him to stop. Because if he didn’t, he didn’t know if he could stop himself. All the walls were crumbling. “I can’t. I won’t.” 

And it was the I won’t that made something snap in Remus’ brain. Sirius always had to be the strong one for the two of them. He always made the move, always started the game of what the fuck is going on and why do I feel like this? 

It had to be Remus because it couldn’t be Sirius. 

Remus sat up and Sirius’ bones felt heavy in his body, his brain falling through his skull. 

“Sirius,” Remus said, scooting closer. Everything was so slow and heavy and hot and oh my god. Sirius’ breaths were labored, Remus was holding his. Suddenly they were so close. “Can you kiss me again?” 

The world around them stopped. 

“Don’t say that to me if you don’t mean it.” Sirius went to move back but Remus caught and pulled him closer. Their eyes were hanging low, their skin glowing pale under the moon. Their mouths couldn’t close. 

“I need you to kiss me.” 

Not want. 

Need. 

And Sirius broke and lunged and they fell into the grass and the moon, the stars, and the world exploded around them.