How to be Human

Remus’ life went by in a silent, dark cloud. He lived between the fluff, sunken into the barely there material, hidden but there all the same, behind a hazy mist. 

Sirius had apologized more times than he could count.

It took him long enough to eat a slice of cake for his buzz to wear off and the night sink in. He’d searched and searched for Remus the rest of the night and just couldn’t find him. Between the drinks and the anxiety, Sirius ended up getting sick in the bathroom.

Remus’ light had gone out completely. Sirius could see it, but took it as anger for what Sirius had done and said to him. No matter how many times Remus muttered the words it’s okay after another heart-felt sincere apology from Sirius, the light never came back.

Then, at the beginning of spring, Remus was pulled out of class.

It was a class he didn’t share with any of his friends, so no one was there to witness Remus’ face fall as Headmaster Dumbledore stuck his head inside the door and called Remus to the hall. No one was there to witness the two of them walk silently through the castle, across campus, and to the headmaster’s office. No one was there to witness Remus sinking into the chair in front of a grand, wooden desk, listening as Dumbledore informed Remus that his mother was dead. 

Hope Lupin was finally dead. 

There were things to discuss. The how and where. The funeral. How Remus would attend. What would happen to Remus now that he was officially orphaned. With no other family to speak of. He was seventeen now, only a year until the technicalities of the parental vision of Remus Lupin didn’t matter. 

But that all could wait. 

The funeral was that following Saturday, so Remus had three days to process, in the words of Dumbledore. Little did the headmaster know, Remus heard nothing much past the word unfortunately passed. 

Remus walked on feet he couldn’t feel until he reached his dorm. It was empty, it was the middle of the day. Remus should have been in class except they gave him the rest of the week off. He didn’t know what to do and stood in the middle of all of their four-posters for quite some time. 

His mother was dead.

He’d heard it. 

He’d understood it. 

But he didn’t.

Remus didn’t know much, but he knew he couldn’t be there when his roommates returned. So he turned and took off, through the common room, down some random corridors until he reached an archway that led out to a set of stone steps. 

He followed them all the way down to the forest that resided by the castle. Then, Remus began to walk. The ridges of his brain smoothed all out until it felt like he hadn’t a brain at all. It was just him, the trees, the rays of sun peeking through, and the ground. And he walked for so long until he met it on his knees. 

___________

Remus floated in a weird state of consciousness he didn’t think he had ever reached before. He lay on the ground, walked amongst the trees, and listened to the rustling of squirrels. Everything around him was so still and so quiet he was convinced he was the only person to exist.

He spent his entire life not knowing what it felt like to be alive, then the universe punished him by killing off everyone until he was the only one left. Only one alive. 

His eyes fluttered open and closed as he drifted in and out. The sun rose and fell, once, and then twice. At some point, he was sure he wasn’t alive at all. That he died and this was his heaven. Or hell. Or neither. 

People deserved a heaven, people deserved a hell. Remus was neither, and so he got this. 

It couldn’t be certain how much time had gone by, but eventually voices could be heard from somewhere far, but close enough so that Remus could faintly hear them if he was listening. His eyes closed again to the sound of footsteps on crunchy grass and fallen branches.

__________

Remus Lupin used to find comfort in the dark. Under the moon. Surrounded by stars. 

The last few weeks of sixth year, Remus only found comfort in the darkness behind his eyelids. He missed his mother’s funeral because Nurse Pomfrey, as well as Headmaster Dumbledore, deemed him unfit to go. He was found in the woods after they’d searched for three days. Sirius was the first to freak out after not being able to find him after twenty-four hours. No one joined in the worry until day two. That’s when all Remus’ friends learned what had happened, that Hope Lupin was dead. 

By day three, the entire school was on the lookout for Remus Lupin. 

It wasn’t Sirius to find Remus out in those woods. It was James. Which, it wasn’t clear if that was for the better or worse. 

James and a boy named Frank, along with the Herbology professor, took to that portion of the woods after searching behind the castle. James had seen a dark lump in the grass and his mind went into panic mode. When he was close enough to see Remus’ face, he was sure that his friend was dead. That something awful had snatched and dragged him away. 

Remus wasn’t dead. 

James scooped the boy up, all on his own, and carried him quickly back to the castle, ignoring the professor’s and Frank’s calls for him to slow down. But he couldn’t because this was Remus. His Remus. Sirius’ Remus. 

He had to be okay. 

Remus had no injuries. He was dehydrated and slightly bruised from stumbling about. But he was fine. He was physically okay. 

Nurse Pomfrey couldn’t get him to speak at all. She tried calling in multiple different people over the course of two weeks to get him to speak. But all he’d do was lie there, stare up at the ceiling, and then sleep. And most times she’d even find him with his eyes closed even if he wasn’t asleep. 

Dumbledore tried talking to him. 

James tried talking to him. 

Peter tried talking to him. 

All three of the girls had even come in on multiple occasions to talk to him. 

Sirius hadn’t visited once. 

He couldn’t. 

This wasn’t like him, hiding out and avoiding his problems. Remus wasn't there. Sirius couldn’t go in there and stare at a shell of his best friend, his…his…his Moony. It’d break him so dangerously that he feared he’d never recover. 

And he felt awful about it. 

The party incident. 

Then watching as Remus disintegrated before his eyes while he let him. 

And then his mother died and Sirius wasn’t there and then he lost him. 

Remus was hurting and in pain, so lost in his own mind and body that he couldn’t even register he was any of those things. He couldn’t be found. 

Sirius couldn’t go in there because then it’d be true. If Sirius couldn’t find him, he couldn’t see him. It was that simple. 

Of course, it wasn’t that simple at all. 

Sirius knew he was the only one who ever got through to Remus. They had a thing. They were something. They understood each other like no one else. He understood Remus like no one else. He should have been the first one Remus saw when he opened his eyes in the hospital. 

But he wasn’t. 

Maybe if he was, it wouldn’t have gone on so long. 

Maybe if he was, Remus would have found himself quicker. 

Then, it was three weeks before school would end, and James Potter had had enough. 

“I’m going down to the infirmary. Wanna come?” James tossed his backpack onto his bed, not caring that papers and a book slid out and into the floor on impact. Sirius watched them fall. 

“No, I’m okay.” Sirius turned and began aimlessly turning the pages of his textbook. Before James had entered, he really had been doing homework. Remus’. He’d been doing all Remus’ work for months and turning it in. None of the teachers had said anything of it. 

“Sirius…” James sighed, walking over to his best friend. He’d watched for months as Sirius fell apart over and over again over Remus. He loved him so much, and it was obvious. “I really think you should see him.” 

“So you’ve said,” muttered Sirius. 

Sirius hadn’t been Sirius lately. There was no Sirius and no Remus and James was going crazy over it. He didn’t blame Remus, he could never. But Sirius? Sirius, he could be held accountable. 

“You know what.” James snatched the book out of Sirius’ lap and tossed it to the side. “Fuck you for that. He’s been lying there for how long? And you haven’t visited once. You haven’t said his name once.” Sirius hadn’t looked up. He’d been waiting for a James explosion; he was surprised it had taken so long. 

“It’s Remus. And you’re here. He’s down there waiting for you and you’re acting like he doesn’t exist.” James was shouting and he was angry. He understood Sirius’ pain, he did, and that’s why he was doing this. Sirius needed tough love. That’s the only kind of “love” he’d ever gotten. “You’re being a selfish asshole, you know that? He needs you. So fucking be there.” 

“I can’t” James figured Sirius would cry, and he’d known it would hurt to watch. A tear fell into Sirius’ lap, making a dot on his jeans. 

“You can. Just go. They’re talking about sending him to a hospital, Sirius. A different one, off somewhere. If he doesn't talk by the end of school, that’s where he’s headed. Do you want that to happen?” Sirius hadn’t known this. 

But what were they meant to do?

Remus was a freshly orphaned, seventeen year old boy who was found out in the woods and refused to talk. School was ending. He had no family. Where was he meant to go?

“No,” Sirius choked out. 

“Then get up and go. If anyone can get him to talk, if anyone can help him, it’s you. And you know that.” 

__________

Nurse Pomfrey gave Sirius a small smile as he sauntered in after the sun had gone down. 

She let him go by wordlessly, to the last bed in the row, where Remus Lupin lay behind a curtain. Sirius stood at the closed curtain for what felt like ever. James’ wake up call worked, and he’d offered to go down with Sirius, but Sirius refused. 

He had to do this. 

When he pulled the curtain back, and saw Remus’ face for the first time in weeks, his breath caught painfully in his throat. He was pale. And thin. And faded. And his scars looked more prominent. His freckles, less. 

He was less. 

He was gone. 

But Sirius had to see his eyes to be sure. Last time, Remus was there, he was just too scared to feel. Scared to be hurt. So he pushed it all down, buried and piled everything in the universe on top of what he needed to focus on, and pretended he didn’t. 

Sirius walked past the chair and sat on the edge of the bed. Remus was flat on his back, arms to his side, head straight up with his eyes closed. 

It reminded Sirius of how Regulus was presented at his funeral. 

It made Sirius feel ill. 

He reached forward and moved one of Remus’ hands to rest on his stomach. Then he reached up and ruffled Remus’ damp hair (Nurse Pomfrey must have just washed it), tossing and messing it up a bit. He touched Remus’ face, just to make sure it was warm, just to make sure he was alive. 

Remus’ eyes fluttered open. 

James had informed Sirius, updated him. Remus was fine, but he wasn’t. He’d look at you, but not see you. But Sirius knew that was just Remus sometimes. James had noticed it, but not really. None of the teachers had, and now they are. But to them, this is the first time it’s happened. Sirius hoped that this was like all the other times. That Sirius could talk or snap or pull or drag Remus out of it. 

Remus looked at Sirius. 

There wasn't a flicker of anything in his eyes. He stared so blankly, so empty ahead that Sirius thought he may be sleeping with his eyes closed. 

Remus blinked. Then looked away. 

Sirius’ eyes welled. 

“Moony?” Remus blinked again. “Remus?” Remus turned his head. Sirius sighed. He at least knew his name. 

Sirius was hesitant to touch him. Hesitant to talk. Hesitant to move. He wasn’t sure if Remus was processing anything at all. Did he realize how long he’d been in the infirmary? Did he remember what happened? Did he know it took Sirius weeks to come and visit? 

“Can you hear me?” Remus stared at him, doe-eyed, mouth in his resting slight frown, breathing so slow. Sirius slowly lifted his hands, took Remus by his jaw delicately, and caressed his cheeks with his thumbs. “Moony? It’s me. Sirius.” 

Remus blew out a slightly heavier breath. His eyes looked like they wanted to close, but we’re fighting it. 

Sirius took this as a good sign. 

Remus felt so good under his fingertips. Like his body ached to be able to feel him again. He had missed him so much. He still missed him so much. 

“Can you speak? Say anything? Make any noise?” Sirius had never sounded so soft and gentle. Like he was speaking to a fragile puppy or near a sleeping baby. 

Remus blinked. 

Sirius sighed. 

“Can you nod or shake your head?” 

Another blink. 

Sirius took one of Remus’ hands in his own. “Can you squeeze my hand?” 

Blink. 

“Can you blink twice if you want to say yes?” 

Blink. Blink. 

Sirius could have cried. 

“You can hear me?” 

Blink. Blink. 

Sirius dropped his head just to breathe for a moment. Remus was still in there. At least a little. 

“Do you know where you are?” 

Blink. Blink. 

“Do you know what happened?” Remus then looked past Sirius and back up to the ceiling. Blink. Blink. “You’ve been here a while. Everyone’s really worried.” 

Blink. Blink. 

“I’m so sorry for not coming sooner, Moony. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Blink.

“I am!” 

Blink. Blink. 

“You’re telling me not to apologize?” 

Blink. Blink. 

Sirius' lips twitched for the first time in weeks. “Tough luck. I am sorry. I should’ve been here. Every day. I was just..fuck, you scared me, Remus.” 

Blink. Blink. 

Sirius reached up again, moving fallen hair from Remus’ forehead. Remus looked at him again and then closed his eyes. Sirius kept doing it, running his fingers back, twisting them around the locks, then letting go. This went on for a few moments. It gave Sirius time to wrap his head around things. To gather his thoughts. To look at Remus. 

“Moony?” Remus’ eyes moved behind his lids. “I know it’s hard, and-and it seems like you…can’t, but…you have to talk to me. They’re talking about…about sending you off somewhere, Remus. If you don’t talk. They’re going to-“ 

Remus opened his eyes. 

“Do you understand?” 

Blink. 

“No?” 

Blink. 

“Well, they don’t understand either. That it’s hard for you. And that sucks, I know. But I also know that you're strong, that you-that you can. You just have to try.” 

Sirius searched his eyes. He searched the blues and the greens and the browns. He searched the swirls and the spots. He searched it all for something. 

Anything. 

And there all of it was. 

Remus was there, buried under all of it. Scared. And hurt. And trying. Trying for Sirius. 

“Anything. Just one word,” said Sirius, scooting forward, taking his face once again. “Just one,” he whispered. 

Remus gave him an inch, and Sirius was taking a mile because an inch was all Remus had to give. That little flash of himself under the glossy nothingness. Reflecting the moonlight. His Moony. 

Remus opened his mouth and a little puff of air came out. Sirius didn’t falter. He waited. Because Remus could do it. 

“H-h-“ 

“It’s okay.” Sirius moved the pads of his thumbs across Remus’ cheeks softly. “You can do it.” 

And then finally. 

“Hi.” 

Sirius' eyes filled and overflowed, two tears falling on either cheek. He smiled on top of a frown. 

“Hi, Moony,” he breathed. 

Oh so slowly, Remus lifted one weak hand and brought the back of it to Sirius’ face, wiping the tear away. Another fell in its place. 

“I-I’m-m-“ 

Remus’ voice was scratched and pained and deeper than normal. Sirius nodded along with every stutter and croak until Remus got a sentence out. 

I’m sorry. 

Sirius blinked at him once for no, and in Remus’ eyes he wanted to smile but couldn’t. 

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Sirius said. “At the party…” Remus shakily shook his head before Sirius even got out what he wanted to say. Sirius grabbed both sides of his head to stop him. “Please, let me talk, okay?” 

Remus stopped. 

“I deserve to be left out on the forest floor, okay? I deserve to be starving and cold and alone. God, Moony, I can’t believe I spoke to you like that. To you. I was mean to you. And I know you said it was fine, forgotten and forgiven, but if we would’ve been fine then maybe-“ 

“No,” Remus managed. 

Sirius stopped. 

“D-don’t do th-that.” Sirius dropped his hands. 

“I’m so sorry, Remus.” 

“I know. It-it’s okay.”

“None of this is okay. Look where you are. We were all so scared for you. We are all so scared for you.” 

Remus shook his head. 

Sirius snapped. 

“People care about you, you know? You don’t get a say in that. You have people who worry and who care and who-who lo…love you, Remus. We love you. And this could’ve gone bad. Don’t you get it? It could’ve gone really bad.” 

Remus felt the familiar guilt somewhere deep down, but the hollow of his chest was louder. He knew he was sorry, he just couldn’t feel it. 

“I-I know.” 

Sirius wasn’t mad. He was stressed, worried, tired, sad. He was looking at this boy who had all the power to break his heart and he didn’t know how to help him. 

“Just-“ Sirius sighed. “You’ve got to let us help you. You’ve got to let me help you. I said I would, remember? Please, let me.” 

Remus looked down to see his hands shaking. They’d been slightly shaking this whole time, then they were trembling and he couldn't feel it. He’d wandered out into those trees and didn’t remember anything after. He was told he’d been dehydrated and near hypothermic, bruised on his legs, a cut from a branch on his forearm. And he couldn’t feel a fucking thing. 

No one knew what it was like for him. He was this shell of himself, with all his thoughts and memories but no access to them. Not really. He had to look at all these people who care about him, and who he cares about, and not remember how to care at all. How to love. He had to sit there with the knowledge that he thought things, but couldn’t feel any of it. He had to sit there with the knowledge that he was fucked up, broken. 

And when something did break through, when his mind and body allowed him a moment to feel…all he felt was terror. 

Remus was terrified that he couldn’t feel. That he didn’t know how. That there was nothing there. That his body, mind, and soul felt completely frozen over, numb. 

“I ca-can’t feel any-any…thing.” 

Sirius stared at Remus. Noted his trembling hands, his breaking voice. He wouldn’t look at him. He just stared at his hands. 

“It’s like…I’m…dreaming. I’m not-I’m not here. I can't feel. Anything.” 

Sirius’ eyes were glossed again and Remus finally looked up. 

“I’m scared,” he whispered. A tear slid slowly down Sirius’ cheek. Remus’ breaths were beginning to labor, like it was hard. To take in the air and hold it. To release it and do it all over again. “I’m so sc-scared, Sirius. I- I can’t- it’s like…there’s no- there’s nothi-“ 

As more tears fell into Sirius’ lap, Remus stopped and stared at the way they splattered against his leg. He knew that Sirius crying was supposed to kill him. He knew that it always had before. Made his heart twist in on itself. 

But he was staring at Sirius and feeling nothing but fear. 

“Do you know wha-what that’s like? Every…thing is-is gone. Empty. I can’t- I can’t- I can’t-“ 

Sirius grabbed Remus again, scooting close. 

“It’s not gone. It’s there. You just have to find it. Let-“ 

“It’s not there, Sirius!” It wasn't a full shout, but it was meant to be. “I’m not- I can’t” 

Remus looked up at him, wide eyed. Sirius could see the fear, see how terrified he was under it all. 

“I’m scared. I don’t like this. I don’t- I- Sirius, it’s like my ch-chest…there’s nothing. Help- how- how do I- I need-“ 

Then, Sirius kissed Remus.

Sirius lurched forward, fisted one hand in Remus’ shirt, used the other to pull him by his neck to meet his face. They’re lips smashed. Remus’ cold, Sirius’ damp with tears. It was nothing more than lips against lips. 

And it was everything. 

It was warm flesh against flesh, and hands against his skin, and feeling Sirius’ heartbeat. It was feeling Sirius’ tear-stained cheeks against his own. Feeling his breath against his nose. 

It was so grounding. 

So human. 

“Oh god,” Remus sobbed against Sirius’ mouth. Sirius pulled back just enough to miss the feel of his mouth. “She’s dead.” 

Then Remus began to sob, the body jerking, shoulder shaking, incoherent not-quite-scream sobs. And Sirius held him. 

“She is.” Sirius cried as he held Remus. His arms cradling and protecting him as he sunk into Sirius. 

The curtain ripped open and Nurse Pomfrey was standing there. Neither boy took notice of her. Her heart sank as she looked at the two kids, holding each other, crying and hurting together. She was so relieved to see Remus do anything. But it was still so heartbreaking. 

She closed the curtain and left them be.