How to be Human

Regulus Black had been visiting Sirius in his dreams. 

Sirius wasn’t opposed to this, but it wasn’t his favorite thing. While it was nice to see his brother in what he would’ve looked like were he not six feet under the surface, it was just as haunting and heartbreaking. 

Sirius would close his eyes and dream of him and his brother in their parents house, but their parents weren’t there. They’d run through the halls and rooms, like they were never able to do, and look at each other and laugh and everything would be perfect. It didn’t matter that Sirius was seventeen and Reggie sixteen, they played together like they were children again. 

Regulus looked more like their father than anything, just softer. Sirius had always looked like his mother and he hated it. Regulus always liked to say his brother favored more of their Uncle Alphard. This always made Sirius laugh. 

They looked like brothers in every sense of the word. 

It broke Sirius’ heart. 

Reggie was always smarter than Sirius. He was smarter than most people, even at a young age. Even in Sirius’ dream, his baby brother would stop running, turn, and say something so profound and life changing, that it shocked Sirius into waking up. 

One night, after a particularly long football practice, Regulus had said, “ Remus is waiting for you. ” And Sirius had never jolted awake so quickly, or harshly. He threw his blankets from his body and slipped on some shoes he started keeping by his bed. Remus was not in their room, or the common room, or the wall outside the dorm towers they’d claimed as their smoking spot during the day. 

Remus was in the Astronomy Tower, two sweaters, a pair of sweats, thick, wooly socks, and a blanket. He wasn’t on the balcony when Sirius arrived, he was lying in the middle of the room, flat on his back, looking up at the sky from under his blanket. He hadn’t noticed Sirius yet, so Sirius stood and stared and appreciated. 

Appreciated that he was fine. That he was safe. That he looked so, so, so-

“Comfy?” Sirius took a step forward and Remus tilted his head back against the floor, looking at Sirius sort of upside down. Sirius smiled from above him, then sat. 

“Very. It’s cold though.” Remus turned his attention back to the sky, and Sirius followed. 

“That’s why most sane people are inside . Where those things called fireplaces are.” The sky was beautiful that night. There were so many stars, blazingly winking and twinkling and everything else that stars do. They were doing it perfectly. Everything was so clear, not a cloud to be seen. The moon was almost full, but not quite, and big. 

“But look at it,” Remus whispered in awe. Sirius looked down at him and thought about how he’d rather look at Remus for the rest of his life, and the sky never again, if Remus always looked like that. The stars reflected in the warmness of his eyes, shining and mesmerized just as they were mesmerizing. His lips were parted slightly as he admired the above. 

“I see it,” Sirius replied softly. 

Remus looked up at Sirius and smiled. 

“I had another dream about Regulus,” said Sirius. Remus raised an eyebrow. The Regulus dreams had been a frequent topic between the two of them. They’d been happening almost every time Sirius slept, and he thought it was because he’d just been thinking about him more recently. 

“What’d he tell you?” Remus asked softly. 

“He said you were waiting for me.” 

And Remus smiled like he’d been doing so often lately and said, “Well, he was right.” 

Sirius couldn’t say what he wished, so he moved and lied on the floor so his head was next to Remus’. “Practice was brutal today. James is fucking insane for doing that everyday .” 

“I think you’re both insane for doing it at all.” Sirius laughed.

“I couldn’t picture you running around a field. Or at all really.”

Remus scrunched his nose at the thought. 

“If a lion was chasing me, I don’t even think I’d run then. I’d just have to, like, let it happen.” And Sirius chuckled, but then stopped as his face fell. He didn’t like comments like that. And Remus could tell. “It’s just a joke, Sirius.”

Nodding, Sirius said, “I know.” Then softer. “I know.” 

Remus sighed lightly for ruining the mood. He’d been trying so hard for Sirius. It was working…sort of. Sirius was pleased enough. But Remus just felt like he was lying. 

“Can you tell me about him?” Remus asked, turning his head. His nose was almost touching Sirius’ cheek. He smelled like the pine soap him and James shared. 

“Who?” Sirius turned his head now, and their noses were brushing softly against each other’s, but it felt so normal and comfortable, neither really took notice. 

“Your brother.” Sirius stared at him for a moment, almost sad. Then he looked back to the sky and smiled gently. 

“He would’ve loved you.” And it was true. Sirius had spent the past six years comparing the two of them because they were so similar. “He would think you're funny. I guess cause you don’t try. Reggie didn’t find me very funny, said I tried too hard.”

“Well I think you’re funny,” Remus joined in. Sirius dismissed him with a roll of his eyes.. 

“He was the smartest kid, I swear. Like scary smart. He knew everything. He knew out to outsmart our parents, that’s for sure. They hated it.” Sirius left out the part about what would happen when he did outsmart them, or talk back, or do anything except exist without sound. “But he was a sensitive kid, ya know? He just felt everything so much. And our parents weren’t very…very…loving, I guess. They didn’t get him. He didn’t get them. It was just…a bad situation.” 

Remus could see memories flashing in front of Sirius between the stars he stared at. He looked so sad, and longing, and guilty. 

“He got really sad. I think he was lonely.” I was never enough for him, Sirius wanted to say. “He just couldn’t do it anymore, I guess.” Remus turned on his side, the blanket falling across his face, and he brought his hand up to Sirius’ face, brushing his fingertips lightly across his hairline above his ear, moving the hair back. Sirius closed his eyes and said, “And then a few months before first year, he was gone.” 

Remus hadn’t known that it happened so close to the beginning of school. He wished so badly that he could remember what Sirius had been like in first year. It wasn’t that Sirius wasn’t memorable, Remus just wasn’t very mentally present. 

It couldn’t have been easy to lose a brother and then start a new school a few months later. And Sirius was so…Sirius. How did he do it?

Though there wasn’t a tear, Remus ran his thumb under Sirius’ eye. Then all he could see was blue as it was opened and staring back at him. 

“I miss him so much.” 

“I know.”

“I miss you too.” Remus pulled his eyebrows together and the side of his mouth quirked. 

“I’m right here.” 

Sirius didn’t know how to explain how much he missed Remus even when he was rightthere. How he craved his being and mourned his absence. Sirius missed Remus so much all the time and it hurt him. 

“You’re right here.” Sirius closed his eyes again, covered Remus’ hand with his own and just felt before he missed him. 

__________

Remus was again ripped from his bed on a cold, cold morning to watch a football game. Except this time, he’d been going alone. James always stood on the sidelines, annoying the coach and referees, shouting plays and orders to anyone and everyone. Peter would be sitting with his new girlfriend leaving Remus to suffer the walk, the stands, and the game on his own. 

That year, it ended up being Slytherin vs. Gryffindor for the remainder of the year, which Sirius says they’re sure to win. James was betting his life that there was no way in hell Hufflepuff would lose to Ravenclaw. They were both so excited because that meant that the final championship match would be Hufflepuff vs. Slytherin . 

“As it should be,” James had said.

After the first of the year match, Remus no longer had to split the colors to wear. He would join the rest of the crowd and deck himself out in the scarf, hat, and gloves. Yet, he always skipped out on matching his clothes and using that face paint everyone went overboard with. He still wanted to be recognized. 

Remus enjoyed the Hufflepuff games much more than he enjoyed Slytherin’s. While James played, he and Sirius got to sit at the top of the stands, cuddled under a soft blanket, bumping knees and brushing elbows and holding hands under the cloth as they watched their friend. Remus enjoyed Sirius’ excitement very much; watching him jump and shout and laugh and clap. 

Though he did love seeing Sirius in his football jersey. 

But even that was fine because Sirius would always throw on one of James’ extras over whatever hoodie or sweatshirt he was wearing. It wasn’t as eye pleasing because Sirius looked good in his green, but yellow suited him just as fine. 

Remus had thought a couple times how he thought yellow was suiting him more and more, but after a while, he wasn’t so sure. 

This game had been exceptionally important because Remus had spent many afternoons sitting on the grass with Peter watching James and Sirius try and perfect this trick shot they’d been so obsessed over. James perfected it immediately, as expected, but it took Sirius days.

He got it eventually, of course, and was so excited to try it out that weekend. 

Because this game was so important to Sirius, he went full out that time. 

Remus woke up and threw on a deep green sweatshirt over whatever shirt he slept in. He stole Sirius’ idea of putting on a jersey over it, and went to Sirius’ side of the room to find one. It was easy since the jerseys were the only thing Sirius didn’t throw around. 

Remus pulled it over his head and breathed in. It smelled like Sirius. Like pine and something leather and a comforting cold. 

Remus then went to Peter’s side and took a small pot of green paint. Peter wasn’t the one for face painting either, but he had taken every art class since first year, so he’d gathered a collection. Not sure and not caring if it was safe for his face, Remus went to the mirror and began drawing two lines under his left eye, and the number 5 under his right. Sirius’ jersey number. 

He grabbed his green scarf and wrapped it around his neck. Pulled his green gloves over his fingers. And threw on one of Peter’s green beanies. He even managed to find a green throw blanket in the common room and swiped it quickly, making a note to return it later. 

And then he headed to the field. 

Usually, Sirius doesn’t leave the locker room until game time, and then he doesn’t leave the field until it’s over. And then he’ll find Remus in the crowd. 

That time, Sirius was waiting for Remus at the entrance to the field. Complete uniform on, smiling and waving to a few people as they walked past. Remus couldn’t be sure he was waiting for him, but he sure hoped so. 

Sirius had been spending more time with Mary and Marlene as of late. Granted, he always drug Remus along as well, but still. Or perhaps he was waiting for James. Or Peter. Or maybe even James’ (girl) friend, Lily.

“Moony!” Remus had been so lost in thought, he almost walked right past Sirius. Remus halted, causing two people behind him to crash into him. Remus stumbled forward, and then to the right as Sirius tugged him by his sleeve out of the way. Laughing, he held Remus upright. 

“Sorry,” Remus said, slightly shaking his head. Sirius was grinning at him. All teeth, ear to ear, cheeks rounded and red. “What?” 

“Look at you.” Was all he said. Remus scrunched his face and looked down and remembered. Oh. That. Suddenly, he was slightly embarrassed. 

“I, ya know, wanted to, like, support…the game.” Sirius’ smile fell slightly, but his eyes were still shining. He stepped forward and brought his fingers to Remus’ cheek. 

“You have my number on your face.” He traced the number with his finger. Then Sirius’ eyes trailed down to the jersey. Sirius wanted to scream but figured it’d scare away the surrounding people and possibly Remus. His heart was swelling and his brain was bursting and all his bones wanted to leap out of his body. “My jersey.” 

Without thinking much, Sirius let his hand slip down Remus’ arm and into his hand. 

“It’s okay?” Remus asked. “That I took it?” Of course, Remus knew it was. Sirius wouldn’t care about something so small, but then Sirius was looking at him like it was something huge and then Remus wasn’t sure. 

They were close now. Remus’ hand fitted in Sirius’, blanket clutched tightly in his other fist. The wind nipped at them semi-harshly. Remus shivered. 

“Please feel free to wear anything of mine anytime,” Sirius almost whispered, finally looking up at Remus. Remus nodded slowly, suddenly lost and found all at once. 

“Noted,” Remus replied back, slightly dazed. He needed to sit down. 

After a moment, they followed the crowd inside. Just as Remus turned to wish the player luck and find his seat, Sirius turned first. 

“I want you to sit at the bottom. In the front.” And Remus stared at him weirdly, but Sirius wasn’t backing down. 

“Why?” Remus liked sitting up top. He could see everyone. No one was behind him. Because everyone was so obsessed with football, most people sat near the bottom, so the top wasn’t so crowded. 

“Just this once?” Sirius said, swinging their still connected hands between them. 

Remus frowned, or pouted, both would be accurate descriptions of how Remus was staring up at his usual seats. “But why? ” 

Sirius blew out a huff of air, pretending to be annoyed. “Can’t I just want to look at you? Front row, in my jersey, supporting me on my big day? Huh? What’s wrong with that? Yeesh.” Remus squinted and bit back his smile so hard it hurt his mouth. Sirius cocked an eyebrow, waiting for a legitimate answer from the other boy. 

Can’t I just want to look at you? 

“Fine,” said Remus, shrugging like it was no big deal. Because, he supposed, it wasn’t. Sure, he couldn’t understand why Sirius would want to see him, but he was sure happy about the fact that he did.  

Sirius grinned that Sirius grin and then the game began. 

Between the cold, the confusion, James yelling from the sidelines, and the looks Sirius kept throwing Remus’ way, his head, at some point, began to spin. Remus had been replaying the morning in his mind, the short conversation with Sirius beforehand, the way it had made him feel, the way Sirius kept looking over, keeping his promise. 

It made his brain fuzzy. 

Then the game was over. Slytherins had won. Sirius had won. 

Remus stood from the stands after most people had already ran down to the field, and aimlessly walked forward, hoping to run into James or Peter. He didn’t expect to see Sirius until after he showered and changed, like most times. But Remus noticed black hair flapping in the wind as a flushed face Sirius ran straight at him.

“Oh!” Remus exclaimed as Sirius threw himself into Remus’ arms. Remus caught and held him close, Sirius’ feet an inch or so off the ground. 

“We won!” Sirius yelled into his neck.

“You did!” Remus squeezed him tighter, and swung him a little bit. “Congratulations.” 

Sirius let go and landed on his feet. “Did you see me? That shot?! James has never looked so proud! It actually worked! I won!”  Sirius had Remus by his elbows, shaking him as he spoke and jumped excitedly. There was a fire in his eyes and a toothy grin on his face and Sirius had never looked so gorgeous.

“I saw you,” Remus nodded, as excited as he could muster. “You were amazing.” 

Sirius smiled up at him softly for a moment, before he stumbled forward and crashed into his chest. James Potter had jumped onto Sirius’ back, arms tight around his neck, laughing and exclaiming how perfect Sirius was. 

In an instant, Sirius and Remus turned into Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Mary, Marlene, and Lily. Remus had just recently learned and remembered all the girls' names. Everyone was flaunting over Sirius and he loved it. He was basking in the praises and compliments. 

Remus loved to see Sirius fawned over because he deserved it, but he did feel awkward in a group like that because he wasn’t sure where he fit in. It was easy with just Sirius, or just Sirius and James, and even Sirius, James and Peter. But when the girls were thrown into the mix, it made Remus confused and like he was fading into the background because he didn’t know how or when to jump in. 

Apparently, there would be a party that night to celebrate Slytherins winning the game and Marelene’s birthday. She was turning seventeen and wanted it to be 70’s themed in honor of Dancing Queen , which they’d be playing so it lined up to say “only seventeen” at exactly midnight. 

The entire sixth year had been planning the party for weeks, if not months. Marlene was ecstatic about it. And it just so happened, the game fell on the same day, so because Sirius did such a good job, and everyone loved Sirius, they decided to give him half the spotlight. Of course, with Remus being Remus and all, that was the first time he’d heard of it. 

“I’m so excited!” Mary exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. 

“Potter, did you get the stuff for the outfit I told you to?” This was Lily, with both ginger eyebrows raised high. James grinned and nodded.

“Of course I did. We’re going to be the hottest couple there.” James threw his arm over her shoulders, and she allowed it, but with a muttered not a couple comment. 

“I don’t know,” Mary chimed in a sing-song voice. “Me and Marly are gonna be pretty hot.” She grinned at Marlene who nodded in agreement. 

“You bitches will have nothing on us,” she said. “Sirius, what are you wearing?” Because of course Sirius had something planned. Instead of launching into a detailed description of his outfit, he just crossed his arms, shrugged, and made a mysteriously cliche comment that made the group laugh. 

The attention shifted to Peter who had gotten one of his dad’s vests from the seventies. 

And then to Remus. 

“What about you, Remus?”

Remus froze. Six pairs of eyes were suddenly on him and he physically took a step back. 

“Oh, I-I..I’m not,” 

Sirius to the rescue, linked their arms together, and tugged him back in their circle. “I’ll have to help him. All he has are those grandpa sweaters, and as charming as those are, they aren’t very seventies, so…still a work in progress.” 

Remus looked at Sirius, brows furrowed, heart quickening. 

“Sirius, I’m not going to, to a party .” Remus had never gone to a party. Ever. Nor did he have the slightest desire to go. 

Sirius looked up at him and decided that the party, like most things, wouldn’t be worth attending if he didn’t have Remus alongside him. “I think you are,” Sirius replied with a crooked smile. Remus frowned.

“But-” Then Sirius leaned close to his face, and the rest of the group felt as if they were intruding on something private. It’d been many times where something like that happened. Remus was a specimen they all loved dearly, but just didn’t fully understand. Sirius was the Remus whisperer. 

“You’re going,” Sirius said. Then he looked at the group with a satisfied smile knowing Remus would be on his arm that night and said, “He’ll be there.” 

Nine hours later (eight of which Remus spent severely dissociated), Sirius thrusted clothes into Remus’ arms with a smile so sweet Remus couldn’t refuse following orders. He slipped into the clothes: green pants that slightly flared at the bottom, a white tee, and a brown leather jacket. 

If Remus was there , if he was seeing straight and clear, seeing Sirius walk into the room in his party outfit would have been somewhat of a religious experience. Even in his blanked out state, it was still something . 

Sirius was wearing a deep blue jean that flared great and grand below his knee. A dark green, silk shirt was tucked into the jeans, half buttoned up, his pale chest on display. He wore these brown shoes, they could have been boots but Remus couldn’t tell, and slightly heeled. Sirius was as tall, if not a centimeter or two taller, than Remus. A dainty, silver cross on a chain sat against the hollow of his neck. The midnight waves on his head were pulled into two, messy knots on either side of the top of his head. 

What caught Remus, and everyone else except Marlene because she had done it, off guard was the makeup. He had a faint, sparkly green smudged against his lower lashline, as well as thick mascara coating his eyelashes. There were tiny, silver star stickers freckling his cheeks. His lips were shiny. There was glitter on his skin. 

Sirius had really gone all out.

He looked mystical. 

He looked magical.

Remus stood dazed for a moment as Sirius crept from the bathroom. For the first time ever, Sirius had felt embarrassed. Polish staining his fingers was one thing, but sparkles and glitter and color on his face were another. Or so he thought. 

James whistled loudly when Sirius entered. But of course he would. James’ sense of fashion really meant nothing to Sirius. He knew that his friend would support him in anything, whether it actually looked good or not. Sirius had no doubts whether James would say anything about the makeup. 

Peter pretended to faint. He gasped and put one hand on his heart and the other on his forehead and fell dramatically back onto his bed. But again, as much as he loved Pete, his opinion and reaction was expected, and frankly didn’t matter to him as much. 

Sirius looked at Remus, a frozen, dazed Remus standing near his bed. 

Of course, Sirius knew what Remus would be wearing considering he’d picked it out. But nothing could have prepared him for how it looked on him. Remus looked, for lack of a better word, hot. It was the greens and the browns and Remus’ hair pushed back (courtesy of James) and he was standing there, staring just as intently as Sirius. 

Perhaps, if Sirius wasn’t still buzzing off his win and the excitement of the party and the energy dancing about the dorm, he would have recognized the far away look in Remus’ eye. Remus had been hiding it so well lately, but it was growing, that pit inside his chest and his stomach. It was growing and becoming loud…or maybe quiet. 

But Sirius was buzzing , and Remus was just there enough to appreciate Sirius standing before him looking like that.

Because Sirius didn’t trust his mouth to say what he thought of Remus’ appearance, he instead asked, “What do you think, Moony?” It was a soft question, sincere and almost vulnerable. 

“I- you, um, it’s…I-” 

Sirius had been taking small steps towards Remus. He was an arms length away now. 

“Do you like it?” 

Remus nodded. “Lots.” Then Sirius stood up straighter, like Remus had given him confidence (which was a mystery to Remus Lupin), and his face was lighter and he smiled as Remus blew out a breath. “So much.”

“You look good, Moony,” is what Sirius settled with. It was safe. It was true. It wasn’t as heavy as beautiful or enchanting or fucking perfect . 

It only took about half an hour for the party to be in full effect. The girls made a grand entrance. Everyone shouted and cheered for Marlene. Everyone gushed over Sirius. Remus smiled his way through some compliments of his own. 

There was music that was vibrating Remus’ entire body (despite it not being that loud because then they’d get in trouble). All the bodies and the voices were swirling around Remus, suffocating and dehumanizing because he didn’t feel like he was in his own body, because he couldn’t trust his own voice. There was an energy in the air, happy and excited and loud, and Remus couldn’t feel it at all. 

In the beginning, Sirius stuck close to Remus, knowing that a party wasn’t his scene and he was the one who made him go, but the night went on and someone brought out the alcohol and turned on David Bowie (one of Sirius’ favorites) and Sirius ended up on the opposite of the common room dancing in between James and Marlene. Mary and Lily were watching and laughing nearby, and Peter was standing on one of the end tables, using the lamp as a microphone. 

Remus was alone, a red cup in hand (someone had put it there, he wasn’t sure who or when), watching the party play out in slow motion in front of him. Remus hadn’t consumed a drink or a bite the whole night. He hadn’t comprehended one word, from anyone or even the songs, the whole night. He hadn’t felt anything all night. 

It was just before midnight when Sirius stumbled over, hair fallen, cheeks red, big smile to go with the tequila on his tongue. He bounced on his feet in front of Remus. He wasn’t drunk , but Sirius was definitely not sober.  

“Moony!” Sirius stood on his toes to look inside Remus’ cup (he’d lost his shoes somewhere?) “You’ve barely drank anything.” This was said like it was a bad thing. “Why is your cup full?” Sirius finally looked up at Remus and took a moment to just look at him. 

Something was wrong, and he could see that, but his brain was slightly soaked in the shots he’d taken and things weren’t added up. 

“I don’t,” Remus started, shaking his head. “I, um, don’t drink.” Sirius already knew this. Remus’ father had been an alcoholic, his mother possibly everything else. Remus said he’d never see himself drinking. 

“Right, sorry.” Sirius slowed a little, trying to calm down and get on Remus’ level. He took the plastic cup from his hand and sat it on a nearby table. Remus wasn’t having fun, Sirius was having loads of fun. The only thing more perfect would be if Remus was having fun alongside him. “Do you want to come over?” Sirius pointed over to all their friends gathered around the large cake with sparklers ready to be lit. It was almost midnight. 

Remus shook his head, although he didn’t fully hear the question. He was overstimulated and under stimulated all at once. 

“So you’re just going to stand over here all by yourself?” It was meant to be a joke (with some truth), but it striked a little something in Remus. 

“I think, um, I’ll…probably leave.” 

Sirius would not have this. 

“What?” Sirius scrunched his face. “Leave where ? Why? We’re about to sing happy birthday.” Remus was looking off somewhere and Sirius moved and tilted his head so he was right in front of Remus’ face. “Hello? It’s a party. We’re supposed to party!” 

Of course, if Sirius was sober, he wouldn’t be saying any of this. It would have remembered it was Remus he was talking to, and Remus didn’t party , and the only reason Remus was there at all was because of Sirius.  

“I-I’m, I don’t, I’m not-I” 

“I-I-I what ? Go on, spit it out.” 

Remus’ chest pinched tightly and he finally looked at Sirius. He wasn’t there, in his eyes, not all the way. But whereas Sirius’ poison was alcohol, Remus’ was himself and he just couldn’t seem to remember that Sirius was drunk and probably didn’t mean to be so harsh. 

“I-I’m only here because…because you asked me to.” 

“Yeah well, I probably shouldn’t have, should I?”

“Happy birthday to you!”
The singing started across the room and Sirius snapped his head over to look. He huffed and turned back and Remus hadn’t taken his eyes off of him, or heard the singing behind them at all. 

“I’m going over there,” Sirius said, already backing away. “Leave. Or don’t. Fucking whatever.” 

Sirius got blurry as he walked away and Remus’ blood hurt as it pumped through his veins for half a minute before his entire body went numb and his eyes cleared and Remus was gone.