How to be Human

Somehow, some way, probably by the grace of God himself, James convinced Sirius to join the football team. James thought his friend needed the distraction, needed a way to get any pent up energy and emotions out. And he was quite concerned if he left SIrius to his own devices on that subject, he’d begin unhealthy habits. 

So James took it upon himself to spend exactly three days after the first day of school listing all the reasons Sirius should join. 

Surprisingly, he was successful. 

Remus didn’t have any thoughts on the matter. After a short chat with James, he agreed that it could be good for their friend, but that’s as far as his thoughts went. Remus’ days still went on the same, except Tuesdays and Thursdays, James and Sirius were out for about two hours after dinner practicing. It didn’t change his life any. 

Not until Remus saw Sirius in a football jersey. 

Life changing did come to mind, but it was a bit extreme. 

Early in September was their first game, and Remus dragged himself out of bed for it because he was a good friend. Of course, he had never gone to any of James’ games, but now it was also Sirius’ game, so Remus felt the sacrificed morning was justified. 

Quite honestly, Remus had no clue what a football game entailed. He’d never even been out to the field before, and was quite surprised to see how big and decorated it was. The teams were sorted by houses, and each house had a respective stand with their respective colors. You sat with your house because you were meant to root for your house. 

James and Sirius were in two different houses, so they were on two different teams. 

Neither of which Remus was in.

So, when he reached the stand where students would grab their scarfs and hats with their supporting team, Remus grabbed a green scarf and a red hat. He looked like Christmas and didn’t care at all. He sat with Peter in the Gryffindor stands because the Slytherins were intimidating. Not everyone sat with their own houses, but almost everyone wore only one color. 

Remus got many looks, but he didn’t notice any of them. 

The way football games worked at Hogwarts was this:

At the beginning of every year, at the first game, they would hold a tournament. There would be a series of games allowing each house to play against each other until it was decided who would be playing who for the remainder of the year. Then, the two winners of each pair would play each other in the final game at the end of the year. 

If Remus had to name the winner of last year or get stabbed in the foot, he’d brace for impact because he hadn’t the faintest interest in football. Or any sport really. But he did have all the interest in Sirius. And James, of course. 

Peter knew all about football because Peter knew all about everything. He loved to watch and talk strategies, but when it came to running and kicking and staying upright on his feet he had a bit of trouble. Remus found himself actually enjoying Peter’s commentary of the whole thing because it was informational (because Remus was confused) and it was funny (Peter was funny). 

The first game was Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw, which Peter was excited for. Ravenclaw won. 

The next was Slytherin vs. Every other house, and the emerald guys (and girls) won every other game. Then, it was time for Ravenclaw to play the other houses, and Remus was suddenly disinterested. He hadn’t actually seen Sirius the entire time, the field was too far away and the players too small; they all looked the same to Remus. 

After the next game, Ravenclaw vs. Hufflepuff, black caught Remus’ eye and he turned to see Sirius and his knotted hair and his football jersey and his flushed cheeks. Then he grinned and it sliced through every seat in the arena, blew all the wind around the field directly into Remus’ face and he almost gasped. 

Sirius looked good. 

“I’m having fun.” Sirius’ face stretched beautifully as he sat down next to Remus, who turned his body towards him. Sirius reached past him to nudge Peter in greeting. 

“You didn’t expect to?” Sirius shook his head.

“Not really, honestly. I was doing it more for James but, I don’t know. Did you see me?” He then grabbed Remus’ arm and shook him dramatically. “I was kind of good!” 

Remus nodded enthusiastically, despite not seeing Sirius until just then. “You were!” Sirius squinted at him, a look telling Remus that he knew he had no idea what was happening. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Sirius told him quietly, leaning forward so he could be heard. The Gryffindors had just walked out onto the field. “I didn’t know if you would come.” 

“I told you last night-” Remus paused to look at his watch (Remus had gotten a watch). “Like seven hours ago, actually, that I would be here.” Sirius smiled and shook his head. 

“I know, but you then said you’d have to get Peter to show you where the field is.” 

“Well, I never had a reason to come before, did I?” Then Remus nudged Sirius and Sirius nudged him back and somehow they ended up under the blanket Remus had brought with him, connected from the hip down. Sirius and Peter were intently watching the game, Sirius jumping up to cheer for James (and only James, Sirius wanted that to be clear), which ended up josling Remus as he jumped and moved around. 

Remus smiled and watched and decided that he’d never miss another game again. 

__________

When a copy of the adoption papers were mailed to Sirius and James at school not too long after Halloween, the pair of them tackled each other to the ground, rolling and laughing and hugging and crying. 

Sirius Black was then Sirius Potter. 

Sirius Potter and James Potter were now officially brothers. 

Everything felt right. 

Except Remus was not there, he was somewhere in the library. 

“I can’t believe- where are you going?” James had just released Sirius from his grip and watched confused as the raven haired boy rushed to the common room door. 

“To find Remus!” Sirius exclaimed happily. He had to tell him, he had to see him. He had to…he wanted…he needed Remus. 

Sirius Potter’s hair whipped around him as he ran down the halls and through the courtyard. The tops of his cheeks and nose were stinging from the cold. His tie was coming loose, the knot falling down mid chest, his shirt becoming wrinkled. His shoes slapped the ground hard as he flailed his arms about. 

The library was multiple floors tall, grand and sophisticated, just like the rest of the castle. Remus only ever sat on the first floor, not wanting to tackle the stairs. And he liked a small alcove in the corner, near a round window that looked out behind the castle and into the field going down to the lake. 

Sirius ran right around the library and directly to this window. He peeked his head up from the bottom of the window. Remus was tucked into his chair, making himself small, as a book rested in his lap. One of his hands was holding the book flat, and the other was tucked under his chin. Sirius grinned. 

Then he rapped on the window.

Remus jumped, startled, his book hit the floor and his eyes were blown wide. He looked out of the window to be met with Sirius’ face pressed against the glass happily. He began talking, though Remus couldn’t hear him, and waved him forward, beckoning him outside. Remus was confused as he tilted his head at him, but it was hard to be anything other than giddy when Sirius was looking at him like that. 

Remus gathered his things and rushed out of the library and around the back. Sirius met him half way and they both rounded a corner and crashed into one another. Before Remus could get out a word before Sirius launched himself at him. He didn’t hesitate to catch him, despite being confused. 

“Wha-” 

Sirius abruptly let go and stepped back, but before Remus could frown, Sirius thrusted a piece of paper into his face. Sandy eyebrows furrowed as he took the paper, eyeing the way Sirius’ eyes were sparkling. Looking down, he began to skim the paper, heart pounding as he kept reading. “Oh my god.” Remus got to the bottom of the page, where the Potter’s signatures resided in twirly, black ink. “Sirius, that’s-”

“I know!” 

“You’re ad-”

“I know!” 

“I-”
Sirius threw himself forward and Remus was quick to pull him to him. It was the kind of hug where Remus’ arms were wrapped around Sirius’ neck and head, covering and crushing him completely, and Sirius looped his arms up under Remus’ and around his shoulders, squeezing and letting himself be engulfed. 

“That’s amazing,” Remus whispered in his head. Sirius just nodded. “Are you happy?” Sirius nodded again, and sniffed. Remus’ heart hurt as he felt a tear touch his skin. “I told you you’d win.” 

“We won.” Sirius’ arms tightened impossibly so and Remus let out a shaky breath, happy and relieved and overwhelmed with the boy that sat so close to his heart. 

__________

It was the awkward days between Thanksgiving and Christmas when Remus first started to feel it. 

It was…something. 

Nagging and annoying. Itching and irritating. 

Perhaps it had to do with that first letter he’d received. It was from a woman named Izzy or Millie or something or another. A nurse. His mother had gotten so ill that she required a nurse to come and live with her. Izzy/Millie wanted Remus to be updated (there was a small chance that Remus’ mother had made the request but it was very small). 

The first letter said that his mother was ill enough to require a nurse. She’d also included a little paragraph about herself that Remus frankly had no interest in. His mother’s illness had finally prohibited her ability to move around on her own, and it wouldn’t be too much longer until she would be completely bedridden. 

Remus usually didn’t think much about his mother at all while away at school, but since that letter, it became a regular image in his brain. His mother lying in bed, rotting away in a dark, fuzzy room. It bothered him for a reason, and in a way, he couldn’t explain. 

It’s like he was sad and guilty and angry and confused all in one. He could feel these bad emotions bubbling and fizzing beneath his skin, but everything had been so good recently. He’d been good. 

Though he didn’t think that deep about it, he began slowly shutting off feeling just a little bit. And just the bad ones, because that made sense right? If he didn’t want to feel all these sad feelings wrapping his body up so tightly he couldn’t breathe…then why should he have to? 

There had always been days since he began opening up where Remus couldn’t talk. It just happened sometimes. He’d wake up and his mouth had no desire to open and let his thoughts out; sometimes on those days, he didn’t even have any thoughts. Sirius had grown used to those days and would recognize them immediately, there was just something different about Remus he couldn’t explain on those days. 

Sirius just paid extra close attention to them on those days to make sure it was just the talking. That he was just feeling a little off and needed the quiet to sort him out and settle him down. It was different from his not there days. No talking days consisted of regular old Remus, letting Sirius drag him around behind him and James, including him in conversations he didn’t care about but appreciated being a part of. He was Remus without his voice, but Sirius could always hear him. 

But on the days Remus wasn’t there, he seemed too settled on those days. Like he was sedated, heavily medicated, zoned out completely from the world. A zombie to emotions and himself and his friends. He still allowed himself to be pulled about, but that was more for Sirius’ sake because he just needed to see him when he was like that. To make sure he was still there. 

When Remus snapped out of it, he always felt grateful that Sirius was there even if he didn’t- couldn’t acknowledge him. 

In conclusion, Sirius noticed at once when Remus began going off. But he chalked it up to Remus not wanting to talk but forcing himself, or maybe not feeling there, but again forcing himself for the sake of Sirius, or his friends. Sirius had thought about it lots, the fact that it must be frustrating and exhausting to deal with what Remus does. To wake up in the morning to find that your brain isn’t strong enough to force your lips apart and talk. That your emotions are betraying and confusing and not always there like they should be. 

Remus never told anyone about the letter. That would require truly acknowledging it, accepting it, feeling it. And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t handle it. 

So he didn’t. 

He was all the happy parts of himself. All the good. All the shy smiles and awkward laughs. Hesitant (but hilarious) jokes and a quiet, comforting presence. 

After those few days of not talking and not processing, and then deciding to just not feel anything towards the situation, Sirius was satisfied with Remus being back to himself. 

Then Remus got another letter. 

And another.

And for a couple weeks, Sirius could tell something was off. It wasn’t like Remus’ usual off, this was different. But it wasn’t enough to scare him, either of them, not yet.

Not until it was. 

It was the end of the second week in December, and Remus hadn’t said a word for a week. It had never gone on that long, not since he’d gotten better. 

The fourth letter arrived and Remus didn’t even want to open it, but was too anxious to let it lay around sealed up for too long. He didn’t want to know, but he had to. 

Izzy/Millie asked how he was doing, and she never did. It was always strictly updates. But that letter was greeting him with the question how are you, Remus? He just knew that it wasn’t good. 

Hope Lupin wasn’t to make it to the end of the month. Most likely another week. Her body had given out, her mind slowed and mushed (Izzy/Millie had used much nicer words).

Remus Lupin would have a mother for another month tops. 

Then at the end of the letter, the nurse had asked him if he’d like to visit. Before she died. And Remus decided immediately that he couldn’t. 

And then he disappeared for the rest of that day where even Sirius couldn’t find him. 

And when Remus was found, it was by Peter (accidently), who was as smart as all get out, but didn’t know Remus like that, so he just thought Remus needed to be left alone. 

Sirius was furious when he found out. 

He demanded Peter tell him at once where Remus was and then ran across the castle to him. When he found him, huffing and out of breath, he could just tell something was off. But he sat down, grabbed Remus’ hand, and didn’t say a word, willing to wait until Remus was ready to tell him. 

Usually, that would probably be that next night while they sat under the stars. 

But it wasn’t. 

Because Remus had gone to bed right after dinner that night. Asleep. Snoring under his sheets. Before the moon had even fully come up. 

And that scared Sirius. 

But maybe he’s just tired, Sirius thought. Maybe he had some rough classes today and needed the rest, Sirius tried to convince himself. 

Sirius didn’t sleep that night. 

He sat on his bed and watched the rising and falling of Remus’ body, softly wrapped in the duvet, face hidden completely from view. 

Sirius just wanted to see him. Wanted to talk to him. Wanted to hold him. 

This went on for four more days before Sirius had enough. He found Remus napping against a tree by the lake between classes. His back was rested against the trunk, his backpack under his bent knees, his head comfortably leaned back and towards the afternoon sun. It was freezing outside, and Remus wasn’t even bundled up properly. 

Sirius took off his scarf and wrapped it around Remus’ neck and the bottom part of his face, knowing he wouldn’t be talking anyways. Remus stirred, a gentle noise coming from his throat, then he opened his eyes. 

Sirius couldn’t even tell if Remus registered who he was. 

He looked so normal, but he just wasn’t there. At all. 

Sirius’ heart quivered in his chest, pain and sadness churning between his vessels as he looked at Remus. Remus. Remus. 

Where is Remus, Sirius thought solemnly. 

Because he wasn’t there. No. For a moment, so real and true to Sirius, it was Regulus. His little brother. His beautiful and tragic baby brother. 

“Remus?” Sirius cupped his palms so gently around Remus’ face. His skin was like ice, a frozen blush across his cheeks. “Are you okay?” Remus didn’t respond, but he put his own hands around Sirius’ for a moment, let his eyes fall closed, and took a deep breath. 

Then he pushed Sirius away. 

Remus sat up straight, looking around like he didn’t know where he was. Sirius watched him closely. The way he was looking at things, how slow he was blinking, how he was moving. 

Sirius hadn’t heard Remus’ voice in a week, maybe longer, he couldn’t be sure. All he wanted was for Remus to say something. Something to let him know that the boy was still in there somewhere. 

Because he didn’t recognize it in Reggie. He couldn’t because it couldn’t be true. He ignored it hoping it’d go away. Regulus killing himself was never an option in Sirius’ book. He was just sad. And hurt. And lonely. And- 

“Remus?” Sirius reached for him again, but stopped just before he touched his skin. “Please say something.” 

Remus could see him. Remus could hear him. He could register where he was and what he was doing. It was true he didn’t remember much of walking down to the lake, but he knew he did. Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes and saw how worried and scared he was and felt nothing. 

He knew he was supposed to. Sirius was his friend, probably more. Sirius was everything. 

So why didn’t Remus feel anything? 

Why couldn’t he? 

Remus opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but it closed right after, silently. Sirius bit the insides of his cheeks. This time, Sirius reached for Remus and took his hands in his own. Cradling softly. 

Remus looked down at them, connected above his lap. He felt the warm skin against his own, the rough lines of his fingers, the tips brushing back and forth gently. It was grounding enough for Remus to then be aware of the cold. 

Remus found that he was freezing. 

“Please say something,” Sirius begged again. He was trying so hard to keep his cool but was failing because Remus and Reggie and please just say anything. 

Remus wanted to so badly. So badly it hurt something awful in his bones. He managed to squeeze Sirius’ hands. Sirius felt his heart turnover. 

“You have to say something, Remus.” Remus only squeezed his hand again, letting him know that he heard him. He wished he could let Sirius know that he couldn’t. 

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to get upset or frustrated but he was. Sirius cared for Remus so much that it had taken over his life. He was understanding. He was kind and gentle. He was patient. 

Maybe Remus didn’t need that this time. 

This time was worse. 

“That’s not good enough.” Sirius shook his head at the weak attempt to communicate. “It’s not.” He couldn’t look at Remus as he said it. It hurt to say, and it hurt to hear. 

Remus heard him. 

“You have to say something. Remus, you have to. You’re scaring me and I don’t know what to do. You have to say something.” Sirius snatched his hands away from Remus just as he felt the ghost of a squeeze. “No.” It was firm and final. 

Remus thought he was being mean. 

Sirius was just trying to get something out of him. 

“Open your mouth,” said Sirius. “Say something. Speak.” Sirius was losing any and all cool, watching the one person he cares most about in the world sit there and not talk to him. 

He stood and grabbed a fistful of frosted grass, ripping it from the earth and throwing it at Remus. 

Remus flinched, hard.

Sirius’ eyes flooded. 

“Talk to me!” He yelled. “Fucking say something!” 

Remus clenched his jaw. He didn’t like being yelled at by Sirius. He didn’t know whether he was mad at Sirius for shouting or himself for causing him to. He looked down at the pile of grass in his lap and brushed it off slowly. 

“I-” That was all he managed, and it was directed to the grass, but Sirius leaped forward and fell to his knees in front of him. 

“What?” Sirius bent down, ducking under Remus’ tilted head so he could see him. “What, Remus? Just...just say it.” And Sirius’ voice cracked on the word say and it snapped something inside Remus. 

“I can’t just say it!” And he pushed Sirius by his shoulders so harsh and sudden that Sirius landed in a surprised huff back onto the ground. He stared shocked at Remus for a moment, almost angry, entirely relieved. 

Remus had no reaction. He wasn’t done. 

“You’re a fucking dick for telling me to just sit here and say it when I tried and I can’t. Don’t you get it? I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I think. I don’t- I don’t-“ 

“Well I can’t let you walk around here like a fucking ghost! You haven’t said a word in a week. Don’t you get it? That’s…that’s…”

“That’s what?!” Remus barked. “Go on. Tell me what you really think that is.” 

“Sad, Remus,” Sirius said. “I think it’s sad. I’m terrified for you all the time. It’s exhausting. I just- I thought that…you were getting better.” 

“Getting better? Getting better from what exactly, Sirius?” 

Sirius sighed loudly. Frustrated. Remus really wanted to know. 

“Remus-“ 

“No. You’re so terrified, how the fuck do you think I feel? What do you think is gonna happen? Why are you-“ 

“I think you’re going to fucking die!” Sirius screamed. “I think you’re going to go quiet and never speak again. I’m terrified that I’m gonna go up to that Astronomy Tower one night and be too late. I’m scared you’re going to die, Remus!” 

“Sirius,” Remus started, shaking his head. “I’m not going to die.”

“Reggie did!” And Sirius said it so loud and they were outside but somehow it echoed. All at once, everything made sense. And Sirius had tears falling down his cheeks and his eyes were red and his cheeks were flushed and Remus sat there breathing so heavily his lungs ached. 

Sirius looked so defeated because of Remus and Remus knew he had to be okay. For him. For his brother. 

“Reggie did and I couldn’t help him.” Sirius sank back into the grass, bringing his hands to his face. He buried himself in his sleeves, trying to wipe away the tears and calm himself. 

Remus knew exactly what he felt then. 

He was sad. 

He was scared. 

He was sorry. 

Remus scrambled across the frozen ground to get to Sirius. He wrapped his arms around him completely as Sirius stayed curled up. When Sirius felt himself be engulfed, another choked sob escaped his throat. 

“Sirius,” Remus said, softly, guiltily. “Sirius, I’m so sorry. Please.” He wasn't even sure what he was pleading for. “I’m so sorry.” 

Sirius slipped his arms under Remus’ and held him so tightly Remus thought his ribs might bruise. 

“He was my brother, Remus. My baby brother and I couldn’t help him. But you’re here and your my-my-my…god you don’t even understand what you are to me. I can help you. I promise I can.” Then Sirius looked up at Remus, tear stained and puffy eyed and his heart broke. 

This was all his fault. 

Remus cupped Sirius’ face and they were so close, but neither took notice because all that mattered was they were there and they were alive and they were together. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Sirius shook his head between Remus’ hands and blew a breath out. 

“You shouldn’t have to be sorry.” 

“But I am. I didn’t mean to make you worry, I-“ 

“I know.” 

“And my mom she’s dying and I don’t know what to do about it.” 

“I know.” 

“And I know you care, I understand that now. I didn’t mean for it to get so-“ 

“I know.” 

“And everything hurt and I didn’t want to hurt anymore.” Sirius’ eyes filled and spilled again and Remus wiped away the tears without even thinking. 

Their foreheads fell together and they sat there, breathing each other's air in the cold of December.