How to be Human

Remus was sure that he was the last person on campus. He’d never heard the castle so empty when usually it felt so full. James and Sirius had left the day before the official last day of classes in anticipation of Sirius’ parents showing up out of the blue to fetch him. 

Remus finally was able to convince Sirius out of the infirmary two days after Remus’ first visit. Sirius had said he just needed to be alone to fully process and calm down. And, apparently, Sirius’ definition of alone included Remus. But Sirius, in fact, did not calm all the way down because he’d been having nightmares. 

Like always, Remus and Sirius would spend the late hours of the night together, but as the final months approached and finals were in full swing, they both decided to turn in a bit earlier than normal. Which honestly, was still pretty late. 

Sirius was able to talk to James more, confess and explain what had exactly happened. James, of course, wrote to his parents immediately, and the Potters decided that the warning/threat from Sirius’ parents were all the more reason for him not to go back. Sirius was so relieved he could have cried. He’d, for some reason, been worried that once the Potters realized how complicated his family really was, they’d leave him to the wolves. To the Blacks. 

But they didn’t. 

Of course they didn’t.

They traveled all the way up to the front gates of the castle to collect their children themselves so they could be the ones to handle any interference, not Sirius. And by the time Remus was finally heading home, they were all at the Potter’s Manor, safe and sound. Remus found immense comfort in the fact, so he could only imagine how Sirius felt. 

The night before the pair left, Sirius and Remus sat atop the Astronomy Tower. The air was warm and a slight breeze kissed their skin. Their legs dangled off the sides, swinging slowly as they passed a cigarette back and forth. The smoke swirled in Remus’ nose, and he watched the cloud Sirius blew out shine under the moon. 

For a while, they sat in each other’s company, silent and mourning another year coming and going. That year was so bittersweet to Remus. It hurt that it was ending because he knew what would happen when it did. He’d go home and any progress he made would slowly disintegrate into a quiet, into a nothing, one that had always been Remus Lupin.

But he’d been thinking that year that perhaps that wasn’t him at all. The quiet. The nothing. That maybe he was something else, something more. Sirius had helped him see and feel things that he’d never felt before. Or, that he had and hadn’t even known it. Sirius had become a rock holding Remus to the ground, tying him to the earth, holding together his very being, the part of him that was human. 

Remus was sure there’d always be that other part. The quiet and the nothing. But it didn’t have to be him, it didn’t have to be everything. How was he meant to be without Sirius there with him? If he fell away and forgot after a single day, then a week, how would he get through an entire summer. He could only imagine how disappointed Sirius would be if he came back sixth year just a silhouette of himself. An empty version of what Sirius helped him become. 

“Promise me you won’t forget,” Sirius said suddenly. When Remus glanced over, Sirius had his head tilted back, looking up at the moon. It was a cloudy night, the moon not as bright, but it still was so there. 

“Forget?” Remus could see Sirius swallow. 

“When you go home. Promise me you won’t forget how to feel. Promise me you won’t forget yourself.” Remus couldn’t stop staring at him, and Sirius wouldn’t even look at him. 

“I don’t want to,” said Remus. 

Sirius looked down at his hands. “Don’t want to promise or don’t want to forget?” Because Sirius always knew exactly what Remus meant. 

“Both.” Remus looked up to the sky now. “I don’t want to forget. But I don’t want to promise…to lie and say that I won’t.” Sirius nodded to his lap. “It’s just…not being here. Not being with-with-” Sirius finally looked up and met Remus’ eyes. “With you.” 

Sirius lost his breath for a moment, staring at the other boy like that. Perhaps it was because he knew that next day he’d be leaving for the entire summer, but Remus never looked as good, as real, as Remus as he had right then. 

Never breaking eye contact, Remus said, “I promise I’ll try.” 

“Good.” Sirius nodded. “Because if this summer goes how I think it will, then when we get back…I’m really gonna need you.” 

Then all too soon, Remus was watching him leave and he was alone. 

__________

The summer after Remus Lupin turned seventeen, his mother fell ill. 

Some sort of cancer. 

When Remus returned home, she had waited an entire week to tell him. She wasn’t acting differently. She didn’t look sick. She didn’t sound sick. But apparently, under her skin where no one could see, there was a bacteria eating her away. And it was said to eat and eat and eat until she was nothing. 

Remus had sat there on their couch while his mother explained. She did so while smoking a joint and using the tip of it to light her incense. She had tarot cards laid out before her. After explaining what the doctors said, she explained what the cards did. And both said her outcome was not good. 

Her outcome was death. 

And a quick one. 

The rest of that summer, Remus spent it watching her closely. He was having a difficult time pin-pointing what he was feeling. But that had more to do with his own personal thoughts and emotions towards his mother and less to do with the emotion-identifying part of his brain. He knew this, however: 

Remus Lupin did not want his mother to die. 

Sometime in June, Remus had received a letter from James Potter. 

Dear Moony, 

I still want to know why Sirius calls you that and why I don’t have a nickname. Do you have one for him? I’m requesting one from you two immediately. Also, if you don’t have one for him, can we come up with one pronto? Thanks very much. 

How are you? How’s your summer getting along? Ours has been interesting to say the least, but I’m not sure how much I’m supposed to say. 

Sirius said he wasn’t going to write you, but I thought that could look bad so I’m going to tell you why he said he wouldn’t before you come to your own conclusions. He said that he had so much to say to you, too much for letters, and that it would hurt writing because it’s not the same. He misses you a lot, Remus. Things are sort of tough here. 

They’re fine! Don’t worry. But it’s hard. I’m sure he’ll explain. 

We’ve spent a lot of time at the lake. I even got him to play some football with me. Can you imagine that? I was flabbergasted he even knew how to run properly.. Just know that he’s okay, or he will be. I’m sure you were worried too. 

And I’m splendid, don’t you worry. I love being home, but I’m so, so ready to be back at school. I even miss Pete. He’s in Rome right now,, did you know? He said he told us but I don’t really remember. The Pettigrews are always off somewhere. 

Anyway, there’s only just a month left until we’ll be heading back to school. Are you excited? I hope everything is good on your end. I’d really like to hear back, but also don’t worry about it. Don’t forget, we always have a room for you here if you would like to visit. Always. 

Take care of yourself, Remus. Moony. 

Love, James

Remus appreciated the letter more than he even understood. Hearing from his friends, even if not from Sirius himself, reminded him that he existed to them even being hundreds of miles away. And, honestly, the thing with his mother had already been so confusing and felt so real, that he’d actually been doing pretty well. 

Considering. 

And well for Remus wasn’t exactly well in general. 

He hunted for paper for ages, and even longer for a pen. It took him three entire days to get a letter out worth sending, but eventually he did. 

Dear James, 

We will handle the nickname crisis as soon as we are back at school. Don’t you worry. 

I’m fine, I think. My summer has also been interesting, but it usually is with my mother. She’s ill. Badly ill, honestly, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. But she’s been quite accepting so I suppose it’ll all be fine. 

I have been worried about Sirius, but I understand that he doesn’t want to write. 

That’s okay. Please tell him. 

I really can’t imagine him playing football at all. That’s like Peter playing, and that is just not normal. I did know he was in Rome, by the way. He told us many times. I’m glad you’re good, and that summer has not been horrible. Let’s keep it that way, yeah? All of us. 

I’m more than ready to be back at Hogwarts. 

If you will, tell Sirius I’m making good on my promise. I will see you soon. 

Sincerely, Remus. 

There were no more letters for the rest of the summer, but Remus hoped that was because things were so good that they were just too caught up. He wanted to write again, to check up, but decided against it. He would trust that if anything too major happened, he’d be informed.

Until then, it really was just a waiting game until school began again.

And somehow, he learned to play the game awfully well. 

The summer after Remus Lupin turned 17, it was just almost a month before he’d return to school, and he’d discovered the concept of living slowly. He’d always known his brain slowed down as he processed the world at a softer pace, but it had always been bad. Painful. Numb. 

But that summer, he’d spend nights laying in the grass and talking to the moon and making breakfast as the sun was coming up. He’d exist with his mother, him reading and her doing…Hope Lupin type things. For once he wasn’t talking, not because he couldn’t, but because he finally was enjoying the quiet and the nothing. He learned to love hazy afternoons, sweating under the ruthless July sun, soaking in the gold in a cloud of cigarette smoke. 

He would sit under the sun and think of Sirius. 

He would sit under the moon and the stars, and think of Sirius. 

He would go to sleep and dream of Sirius. 

Remus had read many books depicting the fact that absence made the heart grow fonder, but he never really understood until he found himself craving the boy that taught him how to feel. He had only recently begun to know what missing things meant, and oh how he missed. Remus missed with every bone, every cell, every vein, and every drop. 

Remus never understood emotions or people, so he didn’t really question what it meant that he was missing this boy, missing his friend, and he was all that Remus was thinking of. Sirius was someone he cared for deeply, and that was that. 

Sirius Black understood emotions, could read people, so all he did the summer after fifth year was question what it meant that all his thoughts revolved around a scar-faced, frayed-edged, beautiful, magical boy. Even when the Potters asked him to sit down and tell them everything they could use against the Blacks in a courtroom. Even during every panic attack he had on lonely nights. Even when his parents showed up at the Potter’s doorstep and James pulled Sirius out the back door and down to the lake to hide in James’ old treehouse. Even when he spoke to the lawyer about emancipation and adoption. Even when the letter arrived that his parents were disowning him. Even when he was held by Effie Potter while he sobbed and sobbed. Even while he and James held hands and jumped around the living room in front of James’ parents after the news that they would be starting the adoption process as soon as school began. 

Remus had crawled in the ridges of Sirius’ brain and made camp in a cozy tent full of soft stares, held hands, and whispered, moonlit conversations. 

Sirius Black missed Remus Lupin so much that it took his breath away if he thought about it for too long. 

And what did that mean? 

Sirius wasn’t like that with James. 

James Potter was his comfort. His rock and glue. Sirius, obviously, wanted to be with James all the time, but when he wasn’t with James, he didn’t feel like he wasn’t whole. He didn’t long and ache. He didn’t forget how to function without James there. 

James was his other half, but Remus was a piece of him. 

A piece of his heart and soul, stolen and kept inside the body of this boy that he was obsessed with. Sirius thought maybe, perhaps, he was in love with him. It was the only thing to explain the way he felt. It was the only thing that made sense. 

__________

Two months could change a person. 

It definitely changed Remus. 

He returned to The Hogwarts Academy a bit tanner, a bit happier, a bit more alive. He was even a bit louder, just in the way he did things. He wasn’t apologizing for living, for making noise, and taking up space. He was still Remus, just more. Just better. 

And Sirius hadn’t known what to do with that. 

One would think with his newfound revelation, Sirius Black would jump into Remus’ arms the moment he stepped foot into Dorm 173. Except, he didn’t. He let James jump around the room and yell and laugh, leading the conversation. He let Peter take an hour while they all unpacked to explain all the trips he’d gone on, as well as the fun facts he’d learned. And then they all let Remus explain all that he got up to, which wasn’t much at all, but it was everything.

Sirius was quiet through the whole thing. Everyone chalked it up to whatever had happened that summer with his parents, but that wasn’t it at all. James knew that, but then again, maybe it was still getting to Sirius? He wasn’t sure, but he’d definitely figure it out later. 

After dinner in the dining hall, Remus noticed Sirius hanging back, so he slowed his steps. They fell into sync, side by side, arms touching as they walked behind James and Peter. Every few steps, they’d slow…and slow…and slow, until they were in the court yard watching their friends disappear around the corner. 

Remus was happy to have Sirius alone, finally, but not happy because Sirius had not spoken one word to him the entire day. Sirius hadn’t even looked at him. But somehow Remus knew Sirius wasn’t mad, but something else. He took Sirius by his sleeve and tugged him to the right, towards the Astronomy Tower. 

They climbed all the stairs to nothing but the sound of their breathing (it was a lot of stairs) and the steps of their feet. Once at the top, it felt more like coming home than walking into their dorm did. Sirius took one look around the dome and then down at the world below and blew out a breath. He turned slowly, looking up through the glass ceiling to see nothing but a clear, forget-me-not sky. 

Then he made the mistake of looking at the boy watching him and threw everything else off the side of the balcony. 

He launched himself at Remus, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. He clutched him tight, reveling in the feel of his skin, his chest moving against his own as he breathed, the smell that was Remus. 

Remus had let out a sound of surprise but welcomed the embrace with so much that it hurt them both. Remus held Sirius tightly, squeezing his arms around the other, his face buried against his neck. 

“Hi,” Remus said against Sirius’ skin. 

“I fucking missed you,” Sirius breathed out. He hadn’t opened his eyes since he threw himself at the boy. At first, it was the fear that Remus wouldn’t let Sirius hug him. Then, when he felt how real Remus was under his fingers after missing his touch for two months, he just wanted to feel it. Feel him. 

Remus smiled a little and felt his heart flip and flop. “I missed you.” 

“You got taller,” Sirius muttered because he couldn’t say what he wished. But Remus had gotten taller, only by an inch, but still, Sirius noticed. “And tanner.” Sirius noticed that too. 

“I was outside a lot.” 

“In the sun?” 

“In the sun.” 

Finally, Sirius moved back, but not away. He just wanted to look at Remus. His freckles, his nose, his lips, his eyes. His hair had grown. He looked a bit thinner, but he always came back to school like that; he’d fill out throughout the year. There was just something different about him, Sirius couldn’t place it. But Remus was alive and there and beautiful. He was glowing with something that was so magically human. 

Sirius had changed too and Remus noticed. Sirius’ hair had gotten longer, as always, and not cut, as always. He had it messily pulled back, some sort of stick through it holding it all together. Remus wanted to twirl the pieces that fell out around his fingers. He looked older, but Remus couldn’t exactly tell why or how. His eyes were as blue as ever, but just a little less bright. Like they’d been open a long time, seen too many things without blinking, without a break. But he was there, in front of Remus, stunning and strikingly Sirius. 

They moved to the balcony at some point to sit. The sun was close to setting. 

After a long while of sitting with each other, Sirius said, “My parents disowned me.” 

Remus had wanted to ask about what happened, but wanted Sirius to bring it up first. And when he did, Remus didn’t know what to say because what do you say to that?

“I’m no longer a Black.” 

Remus pulled his feet under himself, sitting crossed legged as he turned towards Sirius. 

“How do you feel about that?” Then Sirius looked at him like he had three heads. Remus thought maybe he had asked a silly question, but then Sirius’ eyes glossed over and he shook his head. 

“No one’s asked me that yet. Everyone just assumed that it’s a good thing.” 

“It’s not?” Sirius shook his head.

“It’s good. But I feel so disconnected from them now. I mean, I hate them, Remus, I do. But they’re my parents. I don’t have parents anymore. I’m not a Black.” Sirius looked down to his lap and Remus could see a tear fall from his eye and land on his leg. 

“I’m so sorry, Sirius.” Remus felt stupid saying it, but he was so, so sorry. 

“It’s…I don’t know. And then my brother. He was Regulus Black, and now I’m just Sirius, and it’s so stupid, but it’s-it’s-”

“You feel disconnected from him now, too?” Remus offered/finished. Sirius nodded. 

“Which he’s dead, so what’s it matter anyhow.” 

Remus felt like he knew Sirius’ brother was dead, but he wasn’t sure. He definitely felt like he should know. 

Remus pulled Sirius’ hand from his lap. “It matters.” They looked at each other for a moment, then Sirius sniffed and looked away. 

“Tell me something. Anything.” Remus thought for a moment, not wanting to bring up something sad, but doing it anyway. The mood felt right. 

“My mother has cancer.” Sirius snapped his head up so quickly it looked painful.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Sirius turned towards him. “James said you said your mother was ill, but you didn’t say cancer.” Remus shrugged. 

“I guess I don’t know how I feel about it.” Then after a moment. “It’s bad, Sirius.” The confession felt just as personal as it did informational to Sirius. Remus had watched the light in his mother dwindle drastically, despite how much she pretended to be fine. Maybe she really was fine, Remus didn’t know. She was an odd woman, wired differently. 

But it was bad. She was dying. 

Sirius squeezed his hand. 

“Are you guys close?” Remus immediately shook his head.

“She doesn’t remember my birthday.” Sirius tilted his head with a faint, odd look, but believed him fully. “She doesn’t talk to me. She blames me for my father’s death.” Remus didn’t know why he was saying this, he just did. “But I don’t want her to die.” Maybe, he just needed to say it. He’d been thinking about it, but needed the comfort of speaking it out into the universe.

He didn’t like his mother, but he wasn’t an awful person. 

“But she’s dying,” Sirius said, because he understood. He always understood. 

“She’s dying,” Remus confirmed through a sigh.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius scooted closer to him, just to be closer. 

“God, I’m glad to be back,” Remus threw his head back to the orange sky fading to black. Sirius laughed and smiled and his heart soared with the fact that he was back, they were back. 

They were home.