How to be Human

Sometime after James’ birthday, Remus finds that he hadn’t talked to Sirius in a couple of days.

He’s not sure when he noticed it, or how it had been since he’d spoken to him, but one day he just realized. And that was odd because they had been spending almost every moment together. 

Even when they weren’t talking, which they mostly only spoke at night (the kind of speaking that mattered most to Remus), Sirius would drag Remus along with him and James during the day. In between classes, at meal times, around the castle on various marauding missions as the pair liked to call it (whatever that meant, Remus didn’t know). 

Either way, after that one night in January, Remus was rarely not with Sirius. And by extension, James. 

Even on the days Remus expressed to Sirius (non-verbally, of course) that he wasn’t feeling very present, very there, Sirius would still drag him along, but just act as if he wasn’t there. This was Sirius’ way of assuring himself, and Remus, that Remus was a person even when he didn’t feel like one. That no matter how hard he tried, and sometimes Remus tried very hard, he would not slip away into nothing. Sirius would not allow it. 

Though, Remus was not without trying. He did. Even when he felt his brain fizzing and his body sloping towards the ground, sometimes, because he knew Sirius wanted him too, he kept going. 

They had a system. They became somewhat of a team. And it was working. 

Until Sirius disappeared and it took Remus a few days, or maybe more…maybe less…he wasn’t sure…to realize. 

“Where’s Sirius?” Remus turned his head towards James, who was sitting next to him on the grass. Remus agreed to quiz James on a test he had coming up. After nine questions, Remus had the revelation that James had never asked him to quiz him before. Remus didn’t mind, obviously, but this was something that he’d seen Sirius and James do for years. So why hadn’t James asked Sirius? 

Wait, where was Sirius? 

There lies the question. 

James stared at him for a moment, a long, secret filled moment. “He’s…around.” 

 Remus nodded. And then took a moment to think. 

“He hasn’t been around for-“ 

“A week. Yeah.” 

A week?! 

A week. 

Remus had somehow forgotten about Sirius for an entire week. His stomach twisted inside his body. 

“Where is he?” James took a big breath. 

“The infirmary.” 

The infirmary?! 

“The infirmary?” James’ curls fell over his glasses as he nodded. “Why? And why didn’t you tell me?” 

Behind his glasses, James looked conflicted. 

“Well, I think you should ask him why. And I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask.” 

Remus couldn’t tell if you didn’t ask was. Hufflepuff thing or a James thing. 

James would say that it was a confused thing. He was worried about Sirius He didn’t want to tell Remus then Remus worry. He didn’t want to not tell Remus then Remus and Sirius be upset. Sirius wasn’t even allowed visitors so he couldn’t ask him. Then, after three days and no questions from Remus, James kind of grew annoyed because why wasn’t he asking? 

Then before he knew it a week had gone by and James was freaking out about the whole thing all together. Internally, of course, because James couldn’t let a soul know he was on a constant battle field in his mind. That he was a centimeter close to yelling his every anxious thought from the top of the Astronomy Tower for the entire school to hear.

With that off his chest, James felt immensely better and went on the next day to get a perfect grade on his test. 

Remus spent the rest of that day waiting for the sun to set and trying to figure out how this had happened. James had informed him that Sirius wasn’t allowed visitors, so Remus was sure something awful must have happened. 

The few hours left in the day went by agonizingly slow and his thoughts were not ones he wanted to be companied with. How could a week have gone by and Remus not realized? Which, honestly, that was normal for him. 

But not as of late. 

Not since Sirius had anything to say about it. 

Out of all the emotions Remus had learned to feel (kind of) and explore, what he felt that day was the worst of them all. The guilt. He felt awful. Sirius would have never forgotten him, Remus was sure of it. 

And however comforting a thought that was, it only made him feel worse. 

So when the sky shifted into a blue haze, Remus slowly made his way across the castle and to the infirmary. He was sure that it would be easy to sneak in. He was quiet and unnoticeable. He could slip in without anyone batting an eye…hopefully. 

By the time he reached the double doors, the sky was black. Remus peeked inside the large room rowed with beds and curtains separating each. There was a door immediately to the left and right. One of the doors was open, inside an office it looked like. It must have been the nurse’s. 

But Remus saw no one. 

All of the beds seemed to be empty, but there were three curtains drawn so he assumed Sirius was behind one of those. If Remus understood the term socially moral, then maybe he wouldn’t have opened the doors and then stuck  his through the nearest curtain. Luckily, the patient was sleeping and Remus was sure he was meant to know the kids name but he just couldn’t put his finger on. 

He moved on to the next curtain a few beds down. 

It wasn’t Sirius. 

“What the hell are you- Lupin?” It was a boy who he recognized from one of his classes…Fred…or Frank, something or another. 

“Sorry I-“ 

“Moony?” 

And only one person called him Moony. 

He snapped the curtains closed and turned around. At the last bed on the opposite side of the room, there he was. Sirius Black, loose sweats hanging off his body, hair pulled back and knotted messily atop his head. 

Remus slowly and sheepishly made his way over. The sight of Sirius took his breath away a little bit. He hadn’t seen him for a week. And suddenly that week felt longer than all the summers they’d spent apart. Remus was a hair's width away from throwing himself into Sirius’ arms. 

“About time you showed up,” Sirius was sinking back onto the thin mattress when Remus entered his little “room”. He turned and pulled the curtains closed just for something to do and took his time. 

When they were closed and it was just the two of them, Remus muttered something but Sirius didn’t catch it. 

“What?” 

Remus muttered again but couldn’t get his voice to go any louder. His heart was aching with the guilt of forgetting and he couldn’t look Sirius in the eye. 

“Moony,” Sirius beckoned him with his name and Remus stepped forward until his thighs were brushing the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered softly. 

Sirius tilted his head. “For what?” 

“Not showing up.” Remus noted a small black curl looped against Sirius’ ear. Sirius had been waiting for him to show up, that was true, but he couldn’t be mad that he hadn’t. Never at Remus. 

“Why didn’t you?” He couldn’t help but ask because then again why hadn’t he?

“I didn’t know you were here,” Remus told him, the need to tell, to confess rising up in him. He had to tell Surius how awful a person he was. 

“James didn’t tell you?” Sirius shuffled his feet under the blankets. Remus thought Sirius looked so small in the hospital bed. 

“I never asked him.” There it was. 

And it did hurt Sirius. And embarrassed him just a bit because he could truthfully say all he had thought about for the past week was Remus. Had he not crossed the others mind? Was this thing they’d developed in the past couple months all been in his head? 

And when Sirius was mad, and honestly he kind of was, he became his mother’s son. 

And Sirius’ mouth betrayed him fully and said, “Just never crossed your mind, did it?” It was sarcastic in the mean way, snarky in the Sirius way. But not the Sirius that was Remus’, so Remus visibly recoiled. 

They stared at each other for a moment, both feeling awful. 

“I just- I was…I didn’t-“ 

“Remus no, I’m sorry.”  

“No, let me ex- listen-“ 

“Moony, it’s okay, it’s-“ 

“No.” This was harsh and loud in the way that wasn’t Remus. At all. 

Sirius jumped startled at the sudden influx. Remus cupped his face in his hands, closed his eyes, and breathed out. “I’ve been trying to, like, figure out how to explain. It’s hard…so…let me…think for a second.” Sirius nodded. “Can I sit?” Because Remus honestly felt a bit lightheaded. Sirius nodded again. 

Remus sat on the bed, the side of his thigh resting against Sirius’ outstretched one’s. The smallest of contact between the two brought a calm over Remus, however small. 

On the walk over, Remus had thought harder than he ever had. He thought of exactly a week before, the first day Sirius was gone. He remembered waking up late for his class, thinking it was weird the dorm was so quiet. James and Peter were loud in the mornings, purposely, because Remus and Sirius were just not morning people, so they’d stomp about the room, singing and laughing and talking, disturbing their roommates. But it always got them up. 

That morning, no one was in the dorm at all when he woke up. 

And maybe it was the haze of his sleep, but Remus didn’t question it. He was late, no one was there to talk to him, like Sirius always was, so his thoughts became invisible in the air around him and he floated through the day like he had that morning. He wasn’t even sure if he opened his mouth at all that day, and he remembered something felt off, but he was so sunk into nothingness by that point that he couldn’t place what it had been. 

Then, one day turned to two and by that point, Remus didn’t remember anything really. It was life he’d been missing the past week as well. And as Remus stumbled through this explanation, Sirius sat patiently, and waited, and listened. 

And God, how he missed listening to Remus talk. 

“It felt like it did…before. Like, I wasn’t there because you weren’t, but I was so…out of it, I couldn’t place why I felt like that.” Remus was rushing through his words, speaking quickly to get all his thoughts out while he could somewhat explain them. “All the days were, like, mushed together and I thought it had been maybe a few days. But then James said it’d been a week.” Remus then turned towards Sirius, and didn’t look in his eyes, but he did look at him. 

“Th-then he said you were in the infirmary and wouldn’t tell me why. And…I think he was a little…mad that I hadn’t asked about you either, but I couldn’t explain why. And it’s okay if you’re mad too because I’m awful. I forgot about you, but listen…it was like, I don’t know, like I wasn’t a person if you weren’t there and- ugh, that sounds so stupid, I-” 

“Remus, I’m not mad at you.” 

And this upset Remus more. “But you should be.” Sirius shrugged. “I-” He sighed, loud and deep. “I’m sorry. Really. I’m so sorry, Sirius.” This time he did look Sirius in the eyes, because he knew Sirius knew how hard that was for him, and he wanted to prove to him. “I do care. I promise. I just- you, know.” Because Sirius did know better than anyone. 

Sirius couldn’t explain how much it hurt to hear Remus say that. It made his heart twist in on itself, his lungs shrivel and expand all at once, his brain short-circuit between his ears. Sirius couldn’t explain how desperately he had needed to hear that. 

For a moment, neither of them spoke. Remus had just talked more than he had all week and the room was spinning a little. Sirius just…he couldn’t. And for the first time he truly understood what Remus meant when he said sometimes he just could not talk. The words just would not come out. 

So Sirius stretched his arm towards the other boy, and held out his hand. Remus stared at it for quite some time, thinking of how much he needed his touch. Sirius was very touchy. Especially with James. Always grabbing, holding, pulling and pushing, punching or kicking, just touching. But over those couple months, Sirius had gradually become that way with Remus as well. 

And it grounded him so much. 

When Remus took Sirius’ hand, he became warm, despite Sirius’ hands being freezing. It was cold in the infirmary. Remus had been frozen and frosted over for a week, and then there was Sirius, warm and firm and real Sirius, to thaw him out and warm him up. 

And after a long while of just sitting and being, Remus worked up the courage to ask Sirius what happened. And the story was this: 

A week and a day before, Sirius had received a letter. A letter from his parents. Now, Sirius had to read and reread it a few times, a couple times being through blurred eyes and trembling fingers, but he got the gist after the first read. 

Return home that coming summer, or they would come and find him and drag him back.

Sirius had spiraled. 

In fear. In anxiety. In sadness. In anger. In fear. 

He had left the summer before after the worst falling out with his parents he’d ever had. The Blacks knew about the Potters because the Blacks kept a close eye on their son at school. They hated the school, but Sirius only agreed to go into law school if he could spend his high school years doing something he enjoyed. They agreed. But not without some compromises. 

Sirius had a panic attack for the first time in a couple years. And he’d forgotten how to handle them. He’d run straight to the infirmary, begging Nurse Pomfrey to help him because he couldn’t breathe. She had kept him in the hospital that whole day, and it wasn’t until dinnertime that James finally found Sirius. James Potter noticed his absence immediately and searched the entire castle until he found him. The last place he thought Sirius to be in (and the last place he hoped he’d be in) was the infirmary. 

Sirius explained in very little words what happened. James heard the words letter and parents and gonna get me and understood enough. James had never seen Sirius like that. He was still and quiet and had a far away look in his eyes. He barely got the words out to explain and then he fell asleep in the bed with James sitting next to him. 

And when James tried to return the next morning (because Nurse Pomfrey kicked him out by ten) it was said Sirius would not see anyone. Not that he wasn’t allowed, just that he wouldn’t. Not even James. 

And frankly that hurt James. 

But Sirius wasn’t Sirius. He was Sirius buried under a mountain of absolutely fucking terrified. 

So in short, Sirius had been hiding away in the infirmary for the week. 

Sirius then went on to explain how he had expected Remus to come and see him despite him not accepting visitors because he knew Remus was the only one that’d be able (successfully) to sneak into the infirmary at night. Because Sirius knew Remus was always up during the night, and they’d spent basically every night together for months, so Sirius was expecting him.

But Remus never showed. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus said again. Sometime throughout the story, Remus had pulled his feet onto the bed, tucking them under himself, and Sirius had thrown the end of his blanket over Remus’ lap. Their hands were now to themselves, but their legs were still touching and that was enough. 

“I told you. It’s fine. I understand. Really.” 

Remus shook his head. “I just mean-” He then made a very Remus gesture with his hands in the air. “All of it.” Sirius looked away and shrugged. 

“It is what it is.” 

“I hate how it is.” Remus frowned. Sirius smiled a little. “Are you sure they’re not just, like, trying to scare you…or something.” 

“Their threats have never been empty before,” Sirius answered, smiling sadly down at his hands. Just earlier that day, if Sirius would have thought of that fact, it would have sent him twisting and spinning down a black hole. But, sitting there, with Remus at his feet, he felt his nerves settle under his skin, despite still being terrified, and was okay. 

“What are you going to do?” Remus was scared to ask, because he was scared of the answer. Sirius couldn’t go back. He couldn’t. And he confirmed it by saying so.

“I can’t, Remus. You don’t know what it’s like. It hurts. It hurts to be there so much.”

Remus' heart shrunk and twisted into a small little ball that sat heavy in his chest. 

Sirius was in pain, he was hurting, and Remus had to do something. Say something. 

“The Potters. Can’t they help you? I mean…you’ve been staying with them, right?” Sirius nodded. 

“I don’t know how to ask them. I felt like a burden to them all summer. Don’t get me wrong, they were perfect, it was just me. I was…I am, I don’t know. I’m not sure what they can do going up against The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” 

Remus hadn’t meant to laugh. But the little snort of air came out anyways and Sirius cocked his head to the side. “I’m sorry, but the what and what of what?” And there Remus was, making fun of Sirius’ family, and Sirius’ heart swelled all the more. 

“Moony, I tried to tell you. They’re crazy.” And suddenly he was smiling at Remus’ poor attempt to hold back his own. But the moment was short lived and his pale face fell and he looked down. “They’re important. They’re powerful. I think…I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.” 

Remus sighed out Sirius’ name softly. 

“I’m sorry this is happening to you,” he whispered, watching Sirius’ eyes float along the floor aimlessly, avoiding his eyes. He looked so hopeless and broken and that offset Remus’ entire world because Sirius…he was everything. “You’ll win,” he said suddenly. Sirius looked up at him. “You’ll win…the battle, I mean.” Then he reached forward and scooped Sirius’ hand into his own. “We’ll win.”