"i'm sorry, remus, i'm so sorry! i- i'll do anything, please! just tell me what to do and i'll-"
"don't-" remus exhaled harshly, "just... don't, sirius. you've done enough. you can't fix this. just stay away from me."
it was obvious to anyone with eyes that sirius black was not okay. since that horrid prank, he'd been in complete isolation, only ever speaking to answer professors and never showing his face outside of lessons.
he'd been struggling for years now, his friends knew this, but he had reached more rock bottoms in the past few months than he thought possible. the more he sank, the more insatiable his need to hurt himself grew. he'd been brushing it off as best as he could, having promised his newfound family he wouldn't cause himself harm without reaching out first, but without them by his side it became impossible. he wanted to keep the promise, truly he did, but it was hard to keep promises made to people who weren't in his life anymore. besides, he'd already broken the most important one he'd ever made, what's one more?
**********
"remus?" sirius found him in the hall, alone for once, and decided to make an effort at least.
"what do you want?" the wolf spat out, venom dripping from each syllable.
"it's just- i don't- i can't- you said- i need-" he couldn't find the words to explain it. every idea he had seemed like nothing more than a pitiful excuse to lure his old friends back in, a lie he constructed to return to his old life.
"god, sirius, fucking spit it out!" if he noticed the poorly-masked flinch from the smaller boy, he didn't say anything.
"i- nevermind, sorry to bother. see you around... sorry." after watching sirius skitter away as if he had his tail tucked between his legs, remus' anger cracked just enough for his curiosity to seep through the gaps.
**********
he didn't do anything, not yet anyway. he desperately wanted to cling to the possibility of his friends' help. he didn't want to disappoint them any further. he also didn't want his own ruddy addictions to be the reason for his forgiveness.
he didn't do anything, but he wanted to more than anything else at the moment. it was all he could think about, all he cared about. it consumed his every waking thought and he was even dreaming of it from time to time.
**********
"prongs?"
"yeah, moons?"
"have you, um- have you spoken to... to him lately?" james gave a puzzled glance.
"no?" james thought for a moment, why is he asking about this? "is something the matter?"
"no! no, nothing," he thought back to the fear sirius couldn't hide, not from him at least, "well, um, maybe. i'm not sure."
"moony? what's happened?" though james was standing in solidarity with remus, he would never stop caring for his brother, he couldn't.
"he, um... he tried to talk to me earlier and-"
"that bloody prat! i swear, moony, i'll-"
"no, no, nothing like that, no need to start anymore fights," he hushed james' defensiveness, "it's just, he was... i don't know, different? he wasn't right."
"care to elaborate?"
"i know... i know this is taking a toll on him, that was kind of the point, but i think it's more than that." james responded with a soft 'mhm' and let remus continue. "i mean, think, james. you know how he is. he acts all extravagant and untouchable so nobody notices he's hurting."
"okay?"
"he's not even pretending anymore. he's not trying to- to-" he took a long breath, "he tried to talk to me and i yelled at him and he apologized for bothering me. then he left. that's all. that's what happened."
"he's apologized to you quite a bit now, why is this different?" why can't he just understand? why can't he see it? why isn't he fixing it?
"i don't think he came to apologize, i think he just needed to talk to me. and i've gone and bloody scared him and now... he didn't even get to say anything, not really." james could see the glaze painting remus' eyes. "what if it was important?"
"i'm sure he'll be alright, mate. he was probably just in one of his moods." remus thought it concerning that james could simply brush it off as 'his moods' when they both knew how dangerous those moods could become, but that was neither here nor there.
**********
126 days. it had been 126 days since the full moon that ruined everything. 126 days of silence, 126 days of anger, 126 days of betrayal, 126 days of observing, 126 days of sunken eyes, of clammy skin, of shaky hands, of sleepless nights, of unfocused stares, of flushed cheeks, of pulling sleeves, of picking hands, of scratching arms raw, of missed meals. 126 days of silent suffering. and remus chose to ignore it, allowing his emotions to block out the downfall of his former lover. he knew sirius needed the punishment, needed to feel the hurt he caused. so he allowed it to continue. for 126 days.
it was on day 127 that remus finally let his guard down enough to see that sirius was no longer facing the consequences to his actions, enough to see that sirius was no longer facing his punishment. that, instead, he was sinking in the tar pit his mind created, drowning in the thick, sticky blackness of it. no signs of struggle, no fight for freedom.
it was on day 127 that remus realized sirius is killing himself. slowly but surly, he was on a one-way trip to an early grave that he believed he had earned, and remus knew all too well that sirius probably didn't even realize he was nearing his destination.
it was on day 127 that thoughts of sirius hurting himself flooded not one, but two minds. remus hoped that sirius had stayed true to his word, hoped that there were no new scars littering the smaller boy's porcelain skin, hoped that he would still try to reach out before it got too bad, but all the evidence was leaning the other way.
remus was on a warpath to find sirius, but nobody had seen him, nobody had known where he'd been staying, it was like he simply vanished. the map never displayed his name when remus searched obsessively over it. he did, however, find james.
**********
"where is he?" he demanded, expecting james to have been hiding him all this time. hoping that was the truth.
"uh... who?" james was dumbfounded at the aggressive approach.
"fucking sirius, where is he? i need to see him."
"have you checked the map?"
"yes, i checked the bloody map. he's not on it. i can't find him."
"he's not on the map? like at all?" remus shook his head viciously, "then he's got to be in the room of requirement. it's the only place the map can't track."
"bloody fuc- why didn't i think of that!" and he was off.
**********
remus couldn't find the entrance. he found the wall he knew the door would open on, he paced the hall, he willed the room to appear for over an hour, but the door never revealed itself. the room was keeping him out. sirius was keeping him out.
inside, sirius was pacing the room like a madman, pulling at his hair while tears and snot covered his face. he couldn't seem to calm himself no matter how hard he tried and he couldn't rid his mind of the terrible desire he tried so hard to fight. he was gasping for breath but refused to stop and sit. the room had offered countless distractions and activities for the boy but none of them seemed to work anymore.
he reached for his wand, held it so tightly he thought it would snap in his grasp, unable to get a word out as he held the wood to his arm. it was then, and only then, that the room made a decision for sirius. the room decided to open its door to the boy sat in the corridor, the room decided sirius needed remus.
remus could not explain the sense of relief that washed over him when the door finally appeared. nor could he explain the overwhelming dread he felt before entering. why now? he thought, why is it only letting me in now? however, as soon as he crossed the threshold, he understood.
he took in the sight before him. sirius, his best friend and the love of his life, frantically circling the room, unable to breathe, tears falling uncontrollably, fingers turning white around his wand, sobbing out pleads that no one was meant to hear, pleads for his own head to leave him alone, pleads for his pain to end, pleads for his life to end.
he didn't hear remus come in, he didn't hear remus approach him, he didn't hear remus call out his name, or his nickname. he didn't hear anything happening outside his head. remus thought he'd seen sirius at his lowest, thought he'd witnessed the deepest parts of his struggles, but he had never seen anything like this. he was devastated, to say the least. he was mortified. he had no idea what to do.
he thought hard, begging the room to give him something. anything. he was presented with a calming draught and a blanket and understood that it was for the after. then, he understood that the room did give him something to help, himself. the room kept him out for nearly two hours, then let him in when he was needed. when he was needed. sirius needed remus, nothing else.
so, wordlessly, remus caught sirius in his tracks and pulled the boy into his chest, cradling him firmly and ignoring sirius' fight against the hold. in seconds, sirius stopped trying to escape and allowed the strong arms to keep him together. sirius gripped the sweater around him, balling the fabric in his fists and clinging onto the body for dear life.
**********
"sirius? can you hear me?" he felt the head in his chest move up and down slightly, "alright, can we sit?" a soft nod once more. remus pulled sirius to the bed and cradled the smaller boy who couldn't seem to stop crying.
"breathe, siri, i'm here now. it's going to be okay, just breathe," remus encouraged, stroking sirius' spine the way his mother had done to him, a soothing motion to relax the body and mind. it took sirius a few long minutes to regain control of himself.
" 'm sorry, rem, 'm so sorry," he chanted though his raw throat, "i didn't want to- i don't-" his face remained buried in remus' thick sweater.
"i know, love, i know. no need to apologize."
**********
he thought he was asleep, thought only his dreams could bring the two together again. part of him hoped he was asleep. in a dream, he wouldn't have to face the guilt that suffocated him each day. in a dream, he wouldn't risk a fight, he wouldn't make remus yell, he wouldn't have to watch as everything he lost moved past him like he was nothing more than a faded memory. in a dream, he could just be better.
be it a dream or not, sirius is here and he is with remus and he almost broke yet another promise but he's here and remus is here and that's all he wanted, really. he sat silently, save for the hiccups and sniffles, not wanting to interrupt remus. not wanting to make him angry or upset, not wanting to make him yell, not wanting to make him draw his wand, or his fist, or his cane, or his belt, or- or- or-. so, to keep some semblance of peace, he sat still and quiet the way his mother taught him.
remus noticed something was off, he always did when it came to the boy in front of him, though he wasn't quite sure what it was. it could be that this is the closest they've been in months, or that sirius was embarrassed for remus to have found him like this, or a laundry list of other possibilities, but he could tell it ran deeper. he could tell it wasn't one thing, it was everything.
**********
"you swore you'd reach out first, you'd come for help"
"and you swore you'd listen," he snapped under his breath, hoping he hid his words well enough.
"what?" the lycanthrope heard what he said, or at least knew that it was a rebuttal.
"nothing. sorry, forget it." remus sat up, pulling away from the body on his and sitting at the edge of the bed.
"no, say that again"
"i..." he exhaled slowly, "i promised i would ask you for help. you promised you would listen."
"well it's hard to listen when you haven't said anything!" remus rose to his feet.
"i said forget it," his voice hushed, "it's not worth it." i'm not worth it.
"no! you wanna turn this around on me now but you haven't even tried! if you came to me and told me you needed help i would have helped you, but instead you shut yourself away in here and hid! what am i supposed to do with that?" remus was becoming expressive with his anger, throwing his arms in the air and clutching his wand - with which he had zero intention of using - and allowing his voice to elevate.
sirius did not respond. instead, he curled in on himself and fell completely silent, aside from the jagged breathing he tried to muffle. his body was visibly stiff, his eyes squeezed so tight he was beginning to see stars. he was expecting to be hurt.
sirius had some issues separating his parents' actions from the rest of the world. upon attending hogwarts, he'd been working on correcting these triggers, but he couldn't seem to clear them all. especially when they piled on top of each other. what remus couldn't identify, what he was too headstrong to recognize, was the withdrawal sirius was clearly exhibiting. well, not the withdrawal itself, that much was obvious, but why he knew this specific type. over the years, sirius has withdrawn many times in many ways for many reasons. but this? he acted like this on the train after holidays. he acted like this after nasty letters in emerald envelopes. he acted like this when he was scared.
and suddenly, the guilt and the shame and the dread and the self hatred that plagued the black heir had now infected the werewolf. and it hit him like a train.
"i yelled at you," he realized, "is-is this what you wanted to talk about?" sirius only shrunk himself more. "you came to me for help and i fucking yelled at you. god, sirius, i'm sorry. i should've seen it, i should've known. i-i did know, and i- fuck."
remus did the only thing he could think to do, he moved beside the boy and held him. held him the way he would after a letter or a nightmare, held him the way he was held after the moons, held him impossibly and unapologetically close, offering every ounce of comfort, every ounce of love he had. and sirius didn't back away.
"can you look at me?" sirius' face turned, "i never meant to scare you. i never wanted to hurt you. i just wanted you to feel how i felt after... well, after. i never wanted this. i am so bloody sorry, sirius."
he never wanted to hurt anyone, he just wanted the slimeball to feel how he felt. he wanted him to fear for his life the way sirius did. he never wanted this.
"i'm sorry, too."
"i know, love. i know you are." they sat in a comfortable silence for quite some time before remus spoke again, "come back. to the dorm, i mean. will you come back with me?"
sirius' head shot up, he felt his heart skip a beat. "but, what about-"
"i'm sure james will be relieved to have you back, he's been practically stalking you for weeks. twit doesn't think i know. and pete will just be happy we're not fighting anymore," he placed a small kiss on sirius' crown, "it's gonna be okay, padfoot. we're gonna be okay."
they're gonna be okay.