why am i still here?
Hermione was waiting in their usual compartment on the Hogwarts Express, she'd arrived early so she didnt have to see anyone's accusatory glances if she'd met the group on the platform. She'd exchanged a couple more letters with Harry over break, even sent a letter to Ron but he hadn't responded. She could understand that he felt betrayed, but wished he would blame the actual culprits instead of a sixteen-year-old boy.
Her heart beat like a war drum as she watched more and more students board the train, as much as she wanted to see them she was afraid. Terrified they'd see her in their usual compartment and bypass her to sit elsewhere. She didn't put it passed Ron, he'd ignored Harry last year for being named a Tri-wizard champion, and he'd ignore her without a doubt. She was unsure about the twins, they might still keep her at a distance. That was fine though. She really only cared about Harry, would he choose Ron once again, stick to his first friend like Hermione hadn't been there this whole time?
She sat tucked up in the corner of the compartment, leaning against the outer wall, legs folded under her and Hogwarts: A History open on her lap. It had always been a calming read for her, Hogwarts had become a second home, and she found comfort in the pages of the book like she'd found them in the Gryffindor common room.
The door to the compartment slid open and Hermione's head snapped up at the sound, catching Harry's green eyes in her gaze. Neither of them spoke and just watched each other across the compartment, waiting for someone to break the silence. Ron stood behind Harry's left shoulder, her gaze flicked to him before returning to Harry.
Her mind was screaming, trying to convey with her eyes how she never meant to hurt him or make him feel betrayed by her. That she needed him, and these last couple of weeks had chipped away at her more than anything she'd experienced. He searched her eyes for a moment longer before rushing forward and wrapping his arms around her, crouching on the seat so he could reach her. Ron grumbled in the background but she was too lost in the moment with Harry to hear him.
He ran a soothing hand over her hair when her body quaked with sobs she muffled in his shoulder. He whispered reassurances in her ear, telling her he loved her and he was so sorry. Things they'd already spoken about through letters but it helped to hear in person.
After a few more minutes he released her, running thumbs across her cheeks to wipe away her tears. She smiled softly at him and said a simple, "I missed you."
The rest of the train ride was quiet, Ron apologized for taking his anger out on her once Harry nudged him in the ribs a few times. She appreciated the effort but didn't want a reluctant apology. Either he was sorry or he wasn't. No use in a forced apology if it means nothing.
They told her about their break and training with Sirius, and though they'd had a complicated relationship she was still hurt by his dismissal of her. He was an adult, he should be mature enough to see beyond familial ties, especially when he himself had broken free of his bonds. She was excited to learn the lessons she'd missed out on during her exile. Magic was something she could perfect, she could use her intellect and magic to prove to them her loyalty. After all, actions should matter more than words.
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After Ron's unfortunate run-in with Hermione's wand, when he accosted the poor leopard, things were better surprisingly.
The charm he'd cast yielded no results and Hermione had quickly brought Evan and Crooks upstairs to her dorm to prevent Ron from losing an arm. He was sheepish when the leopard didn't turn into a wizard, but she yielded to his curiosity. After all, he was still her friend, and in the spirit of mending fences, she'd watched and only stepped in when the leopard got within pouncing distance.
She supposed he was a bit embarrassed she'd levitated him before pushing him through the air towards the wall, and had gone off on her, but he'd stopped when he realized the leopard had leapt through the air and landed precisely where he'd just been standing.
Thankfully the common room was mostly empty, Ron and embarrassment didn't mix on a good day, add an audience to that and he would've been mad at Hermione on principle. Probably would prefer getting mauled to the entire house and witnessing him hanging against the wall like a portrait.
The next day they had the first DA meeting of the term, and Hermione was ready to get started. While she had been feeling better at the end of last term the inexplicable magical outburst had returned tenfold. It was getting harder and harder to perform normal feats of magic, she was surprised when she had successfully moved Ron until she realized she'd grabbed her snakewood wand instead of the vinewood.
With her magic on the fritz, the vinewood wasn't cutting it, and Hermione had taken to keeping the snakewood wand on her in case of emergencies.
The trio joined by Ginny and Luna snuck into the room a while before the meeting was due to start. Ginny hadn't been nasty to Hermione like her mom had but she wasn't being friendly either. The twins were back to their normal jovial selves and hugged Hermione when they saw her doing patrols on the train. She was relieved at least two of the Weasleys weren't mad at her.
Hermione began casting a few practice charms, just trying to warm up when Luna approached her with a whimsical look on her face, "The vine doesn't fit you anymore does it, Hermione? You're outgrowing it like the seal. It's okay, at least they're nearby if you need them."
Hermione was once again puzzled by Luna's nonsensical ramblings, "What are you talking about Luna?"
Luna just turned towards the mirrors lining the room, meeting Hermione's eyes through the panel, "It will break soon, but he will be there to catch you, they all will."
Hermione turned away from the mirror, frustrated by Luna's non-answer, she raised her hands in exasperation, "What is breaking Luna? Why are you always rambling on? You're supposed to be a Ravenclaw but nothing you ever say makes any sense."
"You'll know soon and you'll wish you didnt," She looked down at her feet, trailing off as she spoke, shrugging her shoulders as if having a conversation with herself. She looked toward the doors where more students were arriving, calling out to Hermione as she skipped away, "Look into making a magical sleeve for the wand and or a rune or charm to change its appearance so that you don't have to keep switching."
Perturbed, Hermione couldn't help but admit to herself it was an ingenious idea, and instantly felt a niggling of regret at the way she'd spoken to Luna.
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January gave way to February and despite their heart-to-heart, Hermione could tell that her friendship with Mattheo still left Harry uneasy. It was becoming increasingly difficult to spend time with him, the boys always claiming her attention or expecting her to help them with schoolwork. She’d begun to actively avoid their table in the library, choosing to sit alone while researching the library for rune combinations for her snakewood wand. All other homework was done in the tower, the one place she could avoid Mattheo without being obvious.
She knew it was bothering him, the amount of excuses she’d fabricated to avoid spending time with him. While she hoped that he didnt notice, Hermione also knew that she wasn’t a very good liar. She was making her way back to her common room after their weekly DA meeting when Mattheo strode up beside her, "Mia, how are you doing? Those asshats get over themselves yet?"
She glanced around nervously, not wanting to rock the boat by being seen with Mattheo. Obviously, it was enough to oust her just knowing they were friends, she didn't want to chance them actually seeing it. Not when things were finally getting back to normal. She grabbed his elbow and tugged him along the corridor and into an empty classroom.
"What are you doing?"
"I was just saying good evening." He looked at her puzzled, confused as to why she was being so odd.
"You can't just walk up to me, people could see."
Mattheo's typically expressive face was shocked for a moment before his occlumency shields slammed down and his face went vacant, the light in his eyes dying. "Oh, so that's how it is, this is just fucking great. Enjoy being 'friends' with Flick and Swish. I'll see you around."
He turned to leave but Hermione grabbed his shoulder, "Wait I'm sorry I didn't..."
"You didn’t what? Intend to let our friendship be warped into some dirty little secret? Son of Tom Riddle must be evil so you can't be seen with me around the castle?"
"You don't understand Mat, they're my best friends. We've been through so much, they just don't understand. They will come around eventually... Maybe if you..."
"Bloody hell Hermione, that's not a friendship that is textbook codependency. What we had that was a real friendship, or I thought it was anyway, and now you have the gall to what? Suggest I stick my neck out even more for your friends who see me as nothing but a blight on the world?"
"I refuse to just throw my friendships away for you, do you understand?! I had no one before them, I was absolutely alone, and I can't risk going back to that. For the last five years, it has been us three fighting through everything your father and his followers have thrown our way. What am I supposed to do Mattheo? What is your solution?"
He was silent and visibly recoiled when she mentioned his dad. She knew she'd crossed a line, they didn't talk about him, ever. If Mattheo ever did mention him Hermione pretended he was just another father. He was just a boy, a son venting about his home life.
"You Gryffindors are all the same, so self-righteous, always thinking your suffering is paramount. And somehow you think you're better than them! You use your little pet projects around the castle, throwing your effort and superiority in everyone's faces. Ooo pick me, see me, acknowledge me. You're insecure and overcompensating because you don't believe you hold any real value besides what you can offer other people. Daily Prophet Special Report: THE ELVES NEED TO SERVE TO LIVE. It's what feeds their magic, you're basically asking them to die shoving your knitted scarves in their faces all day. If these people were really your friends they would sit down and explain it to you, but instead, they see a pathetic little mudblood running around trying to save everyone from a dementor that's not even there." He was breathing heavily by the time he finished admonishing her nearly shaking with rage, eyes flashing gold.
As he spoke she felt her magic rising up in challenge, her hair sparked in a halo around her head, "That's rich coming from you, you practically begged to be my friend. Wouldn't leave me alone until I capitulated. But now I'm pathetic?! I took a chance to be your friend but I'm not going to lose a boy I see as my own flesh and blood for you!"
"I never asked you to Hermione, and that's the crux of this whole argument. I'd never vilify you for your choice of friends. Or ask you to choose because that's unfair. Do you think Harry would choose you? From what you told me about what happened over the holiday he already did and it wasn't you. But now you come back to school and are bowing and scrapping for what? A one-sided friendship when they no longer trust you? You think you know everything but the victors are those who remain to tell the stories of war. You shouldn't just believe everything that's told to you. There is SO much that you don't know you don't know because you've never tried to find out. Months as my friend you've never asked what happened to my mother or who she was. Just skirting around topics that might make you uncomfortable or push the boundaries you've set for our friendship. You've been humouring me, and that's it. Avoiding me, and making up excuses so you won't be seen with me outside of class. While I've tried to actually be your friend. I'm done, just go back to your real friends."
He didn't sneer at her or yell, he managed to get through his diatribe completely composed while she was unravelling at the seams. He walked off, leaving the room and letting the door slam shut behind him. Alone, Hermione screamed in rage and regret, she didn't want this, she never wanted this. Her body shook violently, quaking uncontrollably, she felt her vision blur before collapsing against the wall.
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Evan was sitting outside of the room during the exchange, but the lack of privacy charm made it easy for anyone on this side of the castle to hear at least part of the conversation, never mind his heightened sense of hearing in this form.
He trailed behind Mattheo, knowing he would need his presence right now even if he wouldn't admit it out loud, otherwise, he'd begin spiralling again. He'd gotten so much better since arriving at Hogwarts and dare he say it, his friendship with Hermione, but that was obviously over now. Mattheo wasn't the forgiving type, and her absolute dismissal of his feelings must've hurt.
They'd made it out of the previous corridor and down two others before a scream pierced the air, Mattheo stumbled against the wall, looking around frantically. Evan was unsure of what to do, did he go back to the girl or get Snape, Mattheo was well enough to be left for a moment. He ducked into an alcove and transitioned back to human, once again grateful he had the prowess to keep his clothes and wand when he shifted. He sent a patronus to Severus, telling him to find and check on the girl in the seventh-floor corridor.
His first priority was Mattheo, it would always be Mattheo.
Evan quickly disillusioned himself and left the alcove, resting a hand on Mattheo's head he noticed he had a fever, and was mumbling incoherently. He momentarily regretted not telling Severus to come here first, he couldnt be seen walking through the castle. As reprehensible as he found having to do so, he sent a patronus to Draco Malfoy, telling him that Mattheo needed him and where to find him.
It didn't take long for Draco to arrive with Theo and Blaise, Evan, having shifted back into his leopard form stayed next to Mattheo who was now propped up against the wall.
"I got your patronus what happened?"
Evan just stared back at the boy, obviously he was unable to respond at the moment.
"Right, you can't respond. Theo, Blaise you lift him up, then we can bring him down to the infirmary.