where do i go?
Christmas Hols were around the corner and Hermione was studying every chance she got but the stress was wearing on her. After the strange meeting with Dumbledore, her magic had balanced out again, reading her to believe that maybe the stress had affected her.
Hermione had noticed Harry looked tired like he wasn’t sleeping. She’d asked him how he was doing but Harry remained steadfast in his belief that nothing was wrong. She wondered if he was just upset about the Quidditch ban but he refused to talk about it. Harry, who had been captain of the Quidditch team this year got permanently banned from playing, along with Fred and George after they beat Draco bloody in the middle of the pitch for insulting their mothers.
It wasn’t until two weeks passed that Hermione finally got him to admit to her that he was having strange dreams, dreams that didn’t seem to be his own. Ron thought it might have been nightmares from last year. it wasn’t until he woke up in the middle of the night having had a dream of Mr. Weasley being attacked at the ministry that they realized that something was very, very wrong.
The Weasley kids were all sent home for the holidays early, leaving Harry and Hermione there alone for the last few days.
Harry had immediately been sent to take private occlumency classes from Snape, Hermione was under the impression it was not going well. Snape and Harry had never got on, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise that it was going so poorly, but Harry wasn’t progressing in keeping Professor Snape out of his mind. This undoubtedly led to verbal snipes from Snape.
Hermione couldn’t help but feel for him, while she didn’t know much about his personal life, he looked lonely and she understood that feeling. Sometimes she felt lonely even when surrounded by a group of people.
The only time when she didn’t feel lonely lately was with Mattheo, she didn’t need to say much in his presence, there were no awkward silences, just quiet companionship and she appreciated that.
With the discovery that there was now some sort of permanent mental link between Voldemort and Harry’s mind, the boys had gotten dodgy around Hermione. Harry would see her face at their rebuff and immediately apologize but she knew they were slipping through her fingers. Her best friends, first friends really, were slipping through her grasp like sand through an hourglass.
Hermione had tried to practice occlumency with Harry, finding a book on it in the batch of hidden books from the Black library, but her magic was still too unstable. Every time she tried to build the library in her mind she’d get one bookshelf up to hold the memories before it came crashing down as soon as she placed a memory there.
Hermione hadn’t ever felt so useless trying to channel her magic, not that it had come completely easy to her, she worked hard but no matter what she did lately spells went wonky. Add this to the emotional turmoil of her deteriorating friendships, she was lost. All she had going for herself right now was knitting elves clothing and homework. So she’d thrown herself even harder into exam preparations.
Once they arrived at Kings Cross station to then travel to Grimmauld, Hermione knew something was off. Harry had barely spoken to her on the train, though he didn’t ignore her completely. He sat next to her with a hand laying gently on her thigh and his head rested in the crook of her shoulder, smothered in untamed curls. She had sighed at the comfort, savouring their bond, revelling in it as though this may be the last time they got to enjoy it.
She’d grabbed her trunks and made her way over to Moody and Tonks, they both eyed her warily but said nothing. Her parents were away for a conference, so she’d be staying with Harry at Grimmauld until they got back.
Once they got to the house Hermione was sure she wasn’t imagining things anymore, she’d gotten no greeting as she entered. Harry was surrounded by Weasley’s hugs and laughter while she stood in the corner by the door alone, she looked over to where Sirius and Professor Lupin stood in the hallway, but their faces hardened when they noticed her.
Once the Weasleys dispersed from around Harry they looked over at Hermione, Arthur smiled and greeted her but Molly quickly stood in front of him, blocking him from Hermione’s view.
“Some nerve you have showing up here after my Arthur was almost killed by your friend.”
Hermione was shocked at the pointed verbal attack, she looked at Harry and Ron but both stayed silent.
“I don’t know what you mean. I was invited to stay here for winter hols. My friend didn’t injure Mr. Weasley, his father’s familiar did, and I am so very sorry for that but I don’t see what I’ve done wrong.”
“He is an enemy Hermione, his father’s son, those ties don’t disappear.” Professor Lupin spoke softly.
“Last I checked we are staying at the ancestral home of the Black family, who was deeply aligned with the Dark Lord, and yet, you were still Sirius’ friend.”
“He left, he chose the light. He abandoned his family and went to the Potters’ bloody for defying them, he nearly died,” Lupin’s voice was rising now in defence of his friend, and Hermione suspected, mate.
Sirius was quiet, he stood there while they vilified her, assessing her every movement. She could feel the weight of his gaze on her, his judgement heavy on her shoulders. Hermione felt like her chest cavity had been emptied, she was hollow she’d filled herself all these years with the love and friendship of Harry and Ron and, by extension, their families but it was not mutual. Harry didn’t need her, he had a family now, to help anchor him in this world, and Hermione was once again adrift, struggling to hold onto the tattered remains of their bonds.
“No one has given Mattheo a choice! Everyone else in Gryffindor avoids him like the plague! If there’s ever any chance of him switching sides, it’s through me!”
“You aren’t welcome here Hermione, it’s best you go spend the holiday with your family. Give us time to discuss things amongst ourselves.”
Mr. Weasley went to interrupt his wife, but he was hushed before she continued her diatribe against Hermione “These boys took you in, we all took you in and this is how you repay that debt, with treachery.” The last word rand through the room and hit Hermione harder than a direct slap to her face would.
Hermione looked to Sirius, set her shoulders and gathered her courage, “Sirius Black are you rescinding your invitation?”
He stalked towards her, “I spent a lifetime trapped, due to the actions of an unfaithful friend, I won’t allow Harry to fall to that same fate. Will you roar at me, little lioness? For choosing what I feel is right to protect my godchild? Or will you hiss like the viper your friend is?”
Hermione realized something in that moment, snakes slither on their bellies showing themselves, their scales in all their glory before striking. Lions, they stalked through the tall grasses, camouflaged as familiarity and home before pouncing on the unsuspecting.
She wanted to argue, to remind them of all the times she’d risked her life for Harry, for Sirius even. She’d turned back time to save him for Harry. She would give her life for him, but it didn’t matter because it wouldn’t change anything. They might let her stay out of guilt, but she’d just be an unwelcome guest.
Hermione opened her trunk and grabbed the gifts she’d gotten for everyone out placing them on the dining room table.
She picked her trunk up from the ground beside her, giving one last look at her friends, eyes brimming with unshed tears. She refused to cry, refused to allow them to witness her shatter.
Harry looked conflicted, Ron sad, Fred gave her a weak smile and after that, she couldn’t bear to look at their faces anymore. Couldn’t bear to look back at Harry, who she’d still die for, but who didn’t even want to be in her presence.
She turned to leave, her throat tight, holding back a sob she knew would come as soon as she stepped out of the door.
“Hermione wait! At least take the floo or call the Knight Bus, don’t walk the streets alone,” Harry called after her, following her to the door.
She laughed, a sad pathetic little laugh, turning to face her best friend, “You knew, you knew they didn’t want me here and you chose to let them attack me instead of telling me on the train.”
“I… I didnt know what to say Hermione… I just wanted…”
She cut him off, tears finally breaking free and sliding down her cheeks, “You just wanted one more moment of just us, didn’t you? Just Hermione and Harry. A pure moment before it might all get ruined by this distrust.”
Harry had tears in his eyes now and she knew this was tearing him up just as much as it was her, she placed a hand on his cheek offering her forgiveness without words. “I’ll see you after hols Harry, merry Christmas,” she shrunk her belongings and placed them in her pocket, grabbed Crookshanks’ carrier and walked out the door. She made it down to the sidewalk before turning around and the home she’d just been in disappeared from view, she didn’t know what it was called anymore.
She didn’t cry til she made it to her bed, wrapped in her father’s favourite wool sweater.
—-----------------------------------------------------------Fake Smiles by Phora
Hermione was tempted to write to Mattheo in the charmed journal she had gotten them for Christmas, but she knew he’d probably try to come to her and her friendship with him was the reason she’d been exiled. So she just sat in the empty home, ordered take away to the house and practised spells in the backyard after casting notice-me-nots and privacy wards.
Mattheo had reached out a couple of times during the break, asking how she was but she didn’t have it in her to tell him the truth, so she just said it was going well.
The day after Christmas Hermione found Hedwig perched outside her window patiently. She opened the window and went to find a treat for the owl in the kitchen. She returned and handed the treat over, finding a letter on the table.
She opened the letter with trembling hands, afraid of what it might contain, but as she began to read a breath she didn’t know she was holding in, let out in relief.
Hermione,
I miss you. I’ve been racking my head about what I could’ve done differently. I should’ve stood up for you. We wouldn’t even have Sirius if it wasn’t for you. I know you aren’t like Peter, and I should’ve spoken up or left with you. I think they were all just scared by Mr Weasley’s attack and took it out on you. I told you before, I trusted you and I do. If you think Mattheo is a good friend then I can’t punish you for it. Please come back, it’s not the same without you.
Always, Harry
Realizing Hedwig was probably waiting for her reply, she went upstairs to grab a quill and parchment to pen her response.
Harry,
I miss you too. I hope you had a good Christmas with everyone. I’m sure Mrs Weasley made you a new sweater, what colour did you get this year? Things are fine here, I appreciate the invite but I’m going to stay home, and get ahead on some reading. I’ll see you at Kings Cross. Love you.
Always, Hermione
___________________________________
Severus was regretting coming to the meeting at Grimmauld Place, he had been implored by both of his all-knowing leaders to keep up appearances, as if he had any other choice. Well, he could make a choice, but it would undoubtedly be the end of his life.
When they all sat down at the table for the meeting he noticed Miss Granger was not seated at the table with Harry and Ron. He looked over at Dumbledore wondering if he knew about this development. It was clear he was just as surprised when he inquired on her whereabouts.
“Where is young Miss Granger?”
“She’s not welcome here anymore, they ran her off as soon as we arrived from the train,” Harry spoke with a voice full of contempt, scowls aimed at Molly and Sirius.
Severus was shocked, while he thought she would be better off without the dunderhead twins, he imagined being run off had to hurt.
“What do you mean she’s not welcome here anymore? This is where she’s supposed to be for the break, her parents went out of town.” Dumbledore interjected.
Molly chimed in even though this was not her house, “We don’t want her here, she obviously isn’t loyal, a little Peter in training that one. Friends with that Riddle boy despite the warning you gave all of them to stay away from him.”
“Ahh, I fear there has been a misunderstanding, Miss Granger and I have spoken in private about Mattheo many times. I trust her you should as well.”
“Yeah, well, you trust Snivellus over there so I don’t know how great your judgement is,” Sirius mumbled under his breath
He ignored the obvious jab in his direction but spoke up looking directly at Sirius “You didn’t approve of one of her friends, so you threw a seventeen-year-old muggle-born witch out of your house to go home to a muggle suburb with no protections when you know she’s already going to be on the Dark Lord’s radar for her proximity to your godson. ”
The room was silent, they were all processing the gravity of what he was saying, what he was accusing them of, so he doubled down. “Not to mention you owe her a life debt, for using her time-turner to save your sorry arse.” He looked from Sirius to Harry and Ron now, who at least had the decency to look ashamed.
“That girl being your friend is the best thing that ever happened to you and has saved you both more times than I can count off the top of my head. Not to mention the cauldron load of
homework she does for the both of you and you watched as she was kicked out of this house like a boggart you find hidden in a cabinet.”
“I sent her a letter asking her to come back but she said she was fine at home.”
“Merlin I always thought you were daft but this..” Severus shook his head baffled, “Why would she want to come back here, Potter? Did you stand up for her at all? I’m assuming from the look on your face that you didn’t. Just watched as the dog and the housewitch tore her apart. I can somewhat understand why Redhead over there didn’t, but you? You ought to pray to Circe she hasn’t been attacked and forgives you.”
“She’s not defenceless! She’s got a wand.”
“An outstanding to Potter for stating the obvious. You almost got your wand snapped this summer for underage magic did you not? How do you think she will fare against the Wizengamot?”
“She’s not technically underaged! Plus she’s got-” Harry was cut off with a hand over his mouth before he could utter the betrayal Severus was waiting for. Unbeknownst to any in this room Severus had noticed Hermione that day in the apothecary, told the shopkeeper to give her whatever she wanted and report back to him what it was. Once he knew she’d bought Polyjuice he simply waited in the shadows, following her to Borgin & Burkes, disillusioned he stood behind her in the shop only to reveal his face when the Burke tried to stop her from buying the snakewood wand. He slipped into a shadowed corner and waited for her to leave the shop, following her home to make sure she got there safely.
He didn’t want to listen to whatever drivel they would spew in defence of their actions so he stood, looked to Dumbledore, who seemed to somehow already know where he intended to go, and nodded to him.
Severus apparated to Heathgate, walking through the lamp-lit streets until he came upon the Granger home. He cast a homenum revelio and knocked on the door, as he presumed it was just her in the home. He was surprised she’d managed to put up quite a few wards and was probably already alerted to his presence. A moment later, Hermione’s face peered through the crack she had opened in the door.
“Miss Granger, I came to check on you at Dumbledore’s request, would you permit me entry? I mean you no harm.”
“Oh…, of course, professor one moment.” She shut the door, undoing the chain lock before swinging the door open.
Severus was shocked by the state she was in, hair more dishevelled than it was when she stood over a bubbling cauldron, clothes hanging off her frame. She quickly grabbed a house coat from the cabinet and brushed the curls out of her face, red-rimmed eyes with tired bags below were wide, shocked at his arrival and embarrassed by her appearance.
“Um, please come have a seat, I can put on a cuppa if you’d like?”
“That would be nice Miss Granger, thank you.” He sat on the loveseat, waiting silently for her to return. Her ginger cat peaked from around the adjacent sofa before walking towards him. Severus was still as the cat sniffed at his shoes, winding around his legs, then jumped on his lap, settling down and purring.
Hermione rushed back into the room, balancing a tea serving set on a tray and set it down on the coffee table. She looked shocked at Crookshanks’ presence on his lap and rushed over to pick him up. Her arms rubbed against his thighs briefly, he jumped back at the contact, embarrassed by the rising heat he felt in his cheeks, and his cock twitching in response to her touch. He cleared his throat and crossed his right left over his left knee, giving some leeway in his trousers.
“Professor Snape, is everything alright? Was someone else attacked?”
“All is well Miss Granger, I just came to check on you, since your parents are out of town and you were supposed to be at Grimmauld.”
“Oh, well I just figured it would be better to leave them to spend time with each other, I didn’t want to impose”
“Miss Granger, are you in the habit of lying to your Professors?”
“What? Of course not!”
“So why are you lying to me now?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t lie.”
“You did, I just left Grimmauld Place.” He let that admonition hang in the air between them, waiting for her to defend herself. Instead, he saw her deflate, like all this time she had puffed herself up for his advantage but once she knew he knew the truth the need for an illusion faded.
This bright and vibrant girl reminded him of the spirit Lily held. So incredibly smart, but a muggleborn so she is treated as lesser as a result, dimmed from the maltreatment of her friends. He felt a rush of anger then, that these boys were doing the same thing he’d done to Lily all those years ago, tarnishing her, dulling her shine when they should be polishing it, nurturing her so she could be the best version of herself.
He began occluding his mind as memories of Lily rattled on the potion shelves of his mind. Stoppering the memories of this afternoon and hiding them on a high shelf, away from any prying eyes.
Her friendship with Mattheo had been surprising to Severus when he’d heard about it from Slytherin students who had come to complain to him after the incident with Crabbe and Goyle. The imbeciles.
Hermione, who had been silent during his quiet contemplation raised her gaze to his, eyes welling with tears, lip quivering. She bit her lip to stop the movement, no doubt holding in a sob. Severus didn’t know how to handle crying witches, he didn’t have the capacity to deal with them as gently as they needed, but in that moment he wished he had the words to soothe her. Wished that he could assure her that everything would be fine, and the dunderheads would get their heads out of their arses but he couldn’t because he didn’t think it was true. Eventually, if she was, in fact, the Dark Lord’s daughter, she would have to choose a side completely. Only Severus had the unique torment of having to play party to both sides and he wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. It only led to destruction, for Severus did not doubt that at the end of this war on the horizon he would die at the hands or machinations of one of his masters.
“Get yourself together girl, do not let them see you cry, or falter. They don’t deserve your friendship never mind your tears. I told them as much at the meeting.”
“You told them what?!” She shouted at him and Severus was surprised, she’d never taken a disrespectful tone with him, and regardless of his maltreatment of her, she remained tall in the face of his verbal attacks on her person.
“Miss Granger, you forget yourself,” he chided.
“I don’t think I do, Professor Snape,” she drawled out his name like it was an offence. “This is my home and you were speaking to my friends about me.”
“Your friends?” he laughed at her now. “They kicked you out in the street with no one to go home to.”
“They were just upset about Mr Weasley, they didn’t mean it. Harry wrote me…”
“Yes and if you thought that it was just a misunderstanding you would be with them at Grimmauld Place now, but you’re not.”
She looked down at the teacup in her hands, “Yes well, it’s fine, I’m fine.”
Severus couldn’t stand to look at her being so pitiful anymore so he finished his tea in silence. Standing up, he took some parchment out of his pocket and charmed it. He handed it to Hermione, “Well, if you find that you are not fine, or in danger just write on this parchment and tap it three times with your wand. It’s charmed to appear in my pocket once you send it.”
She took the parchment in her hand as she stood, placing the now cold tea cup on the coffee table. Once they got to the door she was visibly fidgeting and he realized she’d do well to learn how to mask her emotions.
“Remember your worth Miss Granger, and if you do not know it, learn it.” He stepped out onto the porch and disapperated to Slytherin Castle. There were some developments he believed his Lord would like to be privy to.