ππβπΌ ππ½π½ βπβππΌβπΌππ - πΈπΎπΈπβ, πΌβπππ!!
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@BookWorm<3
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons would be enough for a 7 day mission
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@YESExplosives
Canni make a wee comment about the rain in Florida without getting "hey now whoa now buddy ain't you from Scotland?" aye mate but oor rain doesne come wake mad thunder & high speed winds that fling alligators intae yer back door
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@number1b1tch
When ordering ice cream, I like to get all three scoops.
|Β |@hazzap._
|Β |only if you can settle an argument with meΒ
|Β |and my friends. Which Chris is hotter,Β
|Β |Hemsworth, Pratt, or Evans?
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NoneΒ
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@nottyoursb1tch
last year a guy walked into my class 20 minutes late and really high and my professor asked him why he was so late and he said "I don't know I think there were more stairs than usual"
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@nottyoursb1tch - when I tell y'all I wanted to scream when I saw the look on my professors face
@plantguy101 - can confirm it was me π
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@loonyluna
It's snowing again. You know the drill. We say roads are getting slick, tell you to stay home, most of you do, some of you can't, some of you like to slide around to pick up Cheetos at the gas station. It is what it is.
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@ILoveFood - I can't tell if you mean actual Cheetos or just the Weasley family
@number1b1tch - exactly my point omg
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@hazzap._
Just realized cowboys go yee haw and Ninjas go hee yaw
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@NOExplosives - What kind of crack are you on?
|Β |@BookWorm<3 - the good kind apparently lmao
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@lifesalie
"I challenge you to a duel!"
"Very well. The weapon?"
"Compliments."
"A capital choice."
"Thank you, I- oh! I see you've dueled before!"
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@bottomsup_1
im going to p
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@bottomsup_2 - ractice my cooking. i need to be able to cook 10000 eggs in 10 minutes. that's 1000 eggs a minute. that's 16.666666 eggs a second. i need to be fast. so fast you can't even see my arms as they frantically prepare egg after egg. i hope the world is ready.
@loonylover - WHAT THE UFCK
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@BookWorm<3Β
Overheard a kid asking his mom why they were watching Incredibles 2 when he hasn't even seen the first one yet and she really said "honey, i told you this already.... we're here for me... not you..." π
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@hazzap._ - mood
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@ILoveFood
a very intimidating middle class family is staring me down in panera bread because i put mac and cheese on my baguette
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@ILoveFood - update : i told them that staring is rude and that i would eat anything on this baguette including their small child
@MionesHimbo - you are everything i aspire to be
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@plantguy101Β
isnt it weird that we cant ride any other animals except horses. like if horses weren't a thing humans would be fucked cause we couldn't ride any other animals. like riding animals just wouldn't be a thing. we should probably be more grateful to horses
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@ILoveFood - elephantsΒ
|Β |@plantguy101 - blocked
@BookWorm<3 - camels
|Β |@plantguy101 - extra blocked
@loonyluna - donkeys
|Β |@plantguy101 - super blocked
@nottyoursb1tch - that dick
|Β |@plantguy101 - ... followed
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@MionesHimbo
3 years ago, a cute girl I went to school with wanted to give me a fistbump... I thought she was pretending to hold an invisible microphone so I leaned in and said hello
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@MionesHimbo - and now we've been dating for 3 years
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@nottyoursb1tch
Went to get a haircut today.
Barber: what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer, what about you?
Barber: .........I'm a barber
We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut. I am happy to announce that I shall never be interacting with another human being again.
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@BookWorm<3Β
I had to go to the library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between "I have to pay a fine" and "I have to pay a fee" and I walked in and firmly stated "I have to pee" and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven't been back
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@ILoveFood
I was at the airport and the TSA agent told me to scan my license face down, but I just heard "Scan your face down" so I put my face on the scanner and waited. I wish this was a joke but no, it happened and the TSA guy could not stop laughing and now I have to go into witsec.
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@YESExplosives
Just been down Tesco getting a sandwich and some crisps and the lad at the checkout asked if I wanted to go for a drink. I toldhim I've got a fella so was flattered but I couldn't. He said "no, it's part of the meal deal"
Never leaving the fucking house again.
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