Unbound at the start
Years ago… 7:56 pm Thursday 19th June
Growing up, James had no shortage of friends. He was constantly surrounded by people that loved and adored him, he sunbathed in the spotlight, always had someone to talk to and of course, James loved all of his friends. But it got too loud sometimes; it was like a hum that was constantly thrumming in his head.
One evening , when he was wandering the grounds of school after dinner in the great hall had gotten a little too rowdy, James stumbled across an alcove partially obscured by a winding wisteria branch where he could just about make out the silhouette of a person sitting there. Curious, James approached.
As he neared, he recognised the dark curls and green woolen jumper of the person sitting curled up with a book. Any qualms of disrupting a stranger disappeared and James plopped himself down on the cool stone opposite Regulus.
James watched as Regulus looked up from his book, startled, only for his features to relax and a grin form on his face when he realized the person who had disturbed his peace was only James, before he focused his attention back to the book on his lap. Thankful for the lack of attempts at conversation, James leant his head back and simply observed Regulus. He had known Reg for what felt like most of his life and James was eternally thankful to the universe for giving him a friend who offered him a place of tranquility, a calm within the storm, who he could just be with. The humming in his head was quieter when he was with Regulus.
But that night, James looked at Regulus; he watched the way Regulus’ lips would curl up into a small smile when he read a sentence he particularly liked; he observed the way the light from the lamppost outside hit Regulus’ face, making his curls cast feathered shadows across his forehead and making his freckles glow like constellations over his face.
And for the first time, James’ heart stuttered as he looked at Regulus.
* * *
10:58 am Thursday 27th February
Regulus was 17 when James disappeared. Though he remembers it like it was yesterday.
It had been a normal day for Regulus, he had been in his history lesson in school when right in the middle of his teacher's explanation of the intricacies of the post-war consensus, his phone had begun to ring at an alarmingly loud volume.
Regulus’ cheeks had burned red with shame and he winced before looking at his teacher, bracing himself for what was about to come. You see, Regulus’ history teacher had an unfortunate rule that if your phone rings in class, you must answer it on speakerphone in front of said class.
“Black.” His teacher had drawled, clearly unimpressed. “You know the drill…”
Desperately hoping that the phone call wouldn't be from anyone embarrassing like his doctor or Sirius, Regulus had taken his phone from his backpack and turned the screen towards him.
“Fucking Sirius” He grumbled when he saw his brothers name flashing up on the screen.
“What ?” Regulus asked curtly as he answered the phone and put it on speaker, in accordance with the public humiliation his history teacher insisted upon.
Heavy breathing and muffled sobs in the background had caught Regulus off guard as he listened for a response.
“Sirius?” Regulus asked again, more gently this time.
When Sirius’ voice had come through, Regulus was startled by the weak, throaty voice that responded, sounding very little like his brother. “It's James.” the voice said before it broke off into stifled sobs.
Regulus’ blood ran cold.
“What’s happened to James Sirius?”
The silence had stretched as Regulus waited for the answer to the question.
“Sirius, tell me now where's James? Put him on Sirius, this isn't funny anymore.” Regulus pleaded. Faintly in the background Regulus had become aware of his teacher ushering the other students out of the room.
A scuffle sounded at the other end of the phone and then the voice that came through was deeper, more clear. Remus’ voice had broken through Regulus’ daze.
“He’s gone, Regulus. Nobody’s seen him for days and all his stuff is here.”
Regulus couldn't move. He couldn't feel anything, like his whole body was dissolving into static. His surroundings changing in shape and colour, distorted all of a sudden.
“Regulus?” Remus asked “Did you hear me? He's.. he's gone” Remus’ voice broke on the last word and with it so did Regulus’ heart.
-
Regulus doesn't think he can ever forgive James for that. For the days that followed after he disappeared. For Sirius’ silence, for Remus’ tears, for Regulus’ own numbness. He can't think of a single justifiable reason for James to do that to them. And now, after he’s seen James alive and well, the underlying numbness he’s felt all these years has morphed, turning into something more fierce, something that burns.
He knows now that James’ leaving was definitely of his own accord and that he could have come and found them if he had wanted to. But he had not. He hadn't even wanted to stay when Regulus saw him there at the station. Regulus is sure that James doesn't need him anymore, otherwise he would have come back for him.
That's why it surprises Regulus so much when he looks up from behind the counter in his bookshop and sees James walking through the door to his shop.
Frozen, Regulus takes in James’ appearance and silently hopes he’s managed to keep his jaw firmly connected with his upper teeth. James’ style has improved massively since he was 18, he’s switched his nylon sportswear for a pair of jeans and a slightly oversized maroon jumper, he’s started wearing jewelry, gold, Regulus notices and he’s finally tamed the wild birds nest that is his hair. But James has also changed the way he holds himself, he now hunches over, almost as if he is trying to take up less space, nothing like the James Regulus knew that always seemed to take up the whole room.
“Hi Reg” James’ voice sounded, soft and uncertain. Eyes trained on the floor as he scuffs his shoe against the ragged carpet
Regulus can only gape helplessly.
Left without a response, James lifts his head and rests his gaze on Regulus. Simultaneously they seem to have a sharp intake of breath as James’ brown eyes meet Regulus’ grey ones for the first time in 4 years.
All of the anger and resentment in Regulus disappears in that moment and Regulus can feel his body lose its tension. This seems to boost James’ confidence. Striding forward he begins to talk
“Reg I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left like that, it wasn't fair, I should've let you all know i was okay. I should've called I'm sorry I'm so sorry.”
Tears begin to collect in James’ eyes and Regulus wants nothing more than to reach over the countertop separating them and hold James’ face in his hands and assure him that it's okay, that Regulus has forgiven him, that it was forgotten, the past.
It dawns on him then that that's all there is now separating Regulus from the boy he has missed like a missing limb for the past 4 years. A countertop.
So Regulus is shocked back into action and he runs around the counter and without hesitation launches himself into James’ arms.
He wraps his arms around James’ neck and tucks his face into the crook of James’ throat. Instantly Regulus feels James’ arms lift to wrap themselves around his body, one cradling his lower back and the other clutching Regulus’ hair. Regulus knows these hands so well, he knows the warmth of James’ touch, the calluses of James’ hands, the feeling of James’ hands carding through his hair. He’s gripping onto James for dear life, clinging onto him like he’s a lifeboat in a stormy sea and James is holding on just as hard. At this moment, Regulus is sure he won't be pried from these arms again.
Relaxing into the embrace, Regulus allows himself to feel James’ warm breath on his neck, to inhale the amber and vanilla scent of James, so familiar. He feels their bodies sink into one another, not a single gap of space being left between them, bodies melting together, breathing in sync.
Regulus doesn’t know how long they spend like this, entwined with each other, just breathing and reveling in the feeling of one another.
Eventually however, the bell that signals the door opening chimes out and James and Regulus are forced apart.
The intruding customer takes one look at James and Regulus, looks sheepish, like they know they've just interrupted something and backs out of the shop.
As the bell chimes for the second time, Regulus glances at James only to find him already looking at him and instantly breaks out into a fit of laughter.
James’ laughter hasn't changed; it’s still unapologetically loud, booming and deep, bouncing around the room and making Regulus feel warm and full. They laugh until Regulus’ cheeks hurt from smiling and he is clutching his side which only makes them laugh more, crossing into that dangerous silent laughter where everything sets you off and where you can't breathe.
Once they'd calmed down, Regulus locked the front door and led James to the back room where he sat down on the saggy sofa in the furthest corner and gestured for James to join him.
Tucking his legs underneath him, Regulus turned to James and whispered. “I missed you Jamie.”
At this, James promptly broke into tears again and collapsed back onto Regulus. Regulus simply put James’ head on his lap and ran his fingers through James’ hair, waiting for James to calm.
After some time, James calmed down enough to talk.
“I know it wasn't fair of me to leave and then come back. And I'm sorry that I can't tell you why, just know that I didn't have a choice. I missed you more than anything Reg”
Still caressing James’ hair, Regulus simply said “It doesn't matter James. As long as you're here to stay i forgive you, it's all forgiven”
James sits up and looks incredulously at Regulus.
“It shouldn't be that easy. You shouldn't be able to forgive me like that” he comments “you deserved more than that Regulus”
Regulus simply shakes his head and pushes James back down and onto his lap before returning to carding his fingers through James’ hair.
“No Jamie, I deserved you”
* * *
Later, after James and Regulus had chatted for a few hours, reveling in each other's company, they found themselves walking through Regents Park, arms linked and shoulders brushing.
Regulus couldn't stop himself from glancing at James every few seconds out of the corner of his eye. It felt so surreal, here he was, aged 21 linking arms with James, the boy everyone had thought dead since he had disappeared from university over 4 years ago. He just couldn't help himself from watching James, touching him, terrified he would turn to smoke and slip through his hands again.
“What’re you thinking about?” James asks suddenly, snapping Regulus out of his entrancement.
Regulus finds James’ head turned towards him and his eyes on Regulus.
“You” Regulus admits.
James blushes, Regulus had forgotten how much James used to do that. “God Reg, inflate my ego why don't you”
They walk in silence for a few beats more. Regulus can't stop watching James, observing the way his dark hair contrasts with the yellow light beaming down from the lampposts, the way his chin remains tucked in his scarf, the way James breathes out of his mouth every so often just to watch the clouds of smoke as his breath condenses.
“My house is only 10 minutes away. Do you want to come in for a bit and warm up?” James asks without turning to look at Regulus.
“Sure. I’d love to actually”
“Great” James grins, turning to face Regulus. “I’d love it if you came too”
* * *
When they arrive at James’ house Regulus is taken aback by the state of James' home.
Growing up, James had never been the cleanest; his room always had clothes strewn on the floor, his bed unmade and his walls were scattered with photographs of his friends and family along with posters of footballers and medals.
So it took Regulus completely by surprise that James’ house was the cleanest, almost sterile, looking home Regulus had ever been into. The walls were white and bare, all surfaces were shiny and polished, the colours of the house muted and most un-James like. It was if James had been careful not to furnish the house more than he absolutely needed to.
Regulus, perturbed by the strange cleanliness of this house, looks at James eyebrows raised.
“Had a change of heart Potter? Couldn’t be this clean when I had to share a room with you over the summers could you?”
James looks back, cheeks flushed red once again and remarks “Yeah a change of heart. Or something like that”
It strikes Regulus as odd again that James seems to be embarrassed of his clean house. He trails after James into the kitchen and comes up behind James, who is now standing with his back to Regulus in front of the sink, and wraps his arms around James from behind.
They stand like that for a bit, not talking, until Regulus feels the silence is getting so loud so he leans back and asks “Music?”
James simply nods towards the speaker sitting on the kitchen table and Regulus picks it up and connects the speaker to his phone before putting on a gentle song, one that seems fitting for the mood.
Time keeps on coming
I've been all around
I'll keep on running
Till time catches on
I've been on the run
The music reverberates around the kitchen and slowly James turns to Regulus and motions for him to sit down at the table with him.
They watch each other shamelessly as they both sway to the music in their chairs.
He'll treat you unkindly
If that's what you want
But you'll stay inside me
Inside of my heart
Unbound from the start
Now your heart has been broken
And you're miles off away
Now you can't find the right
Words to say
Once uphill you'll be fine
But your loves lost down the line
Hate to say i was wrong
Came into this life on my own
And i'll try
Yes i'll try
Hope for love
Turn out the light
And i gave my own life
My own life
My own life
“Where have you been James?” Regulus finds his own voice breaking the lull
“Right here love”
“Why didn't you call? You could have called me. I wouldn't have come looking if you told me not to”
“I wanted to Reg,I did. But i couldn't”
They sit in silence for a few moments.
“How's Sirius?” James is the one to break the silence this time.
Regulus looks up and studies James. His open expression, his eyes giving away his obvious need to know how Sirius is. Trust James to be using Sirius as a diversion even when Sirius isn't here.
“He thinks you're dead James.” Regulus answers bluntly.
James visibly deflates at that. He curls in on himself, like he has just taken a blow to the stomach.
“No” Regulus finds himself reassuring James instinctively, “He’s doing better Jamie, don't worry. Him and Remus have finally got their heads out of their arses and have been dating for over 2 years now!”
James seems unsurprised by this. He chuckles, “Finally”
“Finally” Regulus echoes.
They sit for another few moments, listening to the music, breathing in tandem.
“Hey James?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for coming back for me.” Regulus murmurs
James smiles sadly, “Sorry i didn't come sooner love”