harness your blame, walk through.
Chapter 4
James wakes to a loud crash coming from down the hall.
He rolls over in bed, kicking the duvet off himself and propping himself up onto his forearms. Reaching over to his bedside table, he grabs his glasses and shoves them on his face, blinking, trying to adjust his eyes to the sunlight seeping into his bedroom through the open curtains.
He listens as the sound of footsteps approaches his door and watches as the door gently pushes open, only a crack at first, revealing nothing more than a sliver of a person, then swinging wide open.
‘‘Sorry, didn't mean to wake you’’ regulus says sheepishly as he strolls into James’ bedroom.
“It's fine” answers James. “The sun would have woken me up eventually”
Regulus still looks guilty as he plops himself down on the foot of James’ bed. He lies down stretching his arms above him and sighing.
“Made breakfast” he says, head lolling to the side to look at James. “Are blueberry pancakes still your favorite?”
James grins. “Naturally…”
“Right then” Regulus grins back, “to the kitchen!”
James watches Regulus as he moves around the kitchen, marveling at the confidence of which Regulus carries himself around, despite the fact that the first time he’d ever been there was less than 24 hours ago. He continues to watch from the kitchen table, chin propped up in his hands, elbows pressing against the cool stone of the table, until Regulus brings over a hefty stack of delicious-looking, steaming hot pancakes.
James can't quite believe it that Regulus remembered his favourite breakfast food and not only that but he remembered how to make it.
It feels surreal, having him here. Taking up the space as if he had never left.
They eat in silence for a while, occasionally glancing up and catching each other's eye, humming appreciatively as they eat.
Its regulus who breaks the silence.
“James..” he begins, looking nervous as he picks at his nail beds, not looking up at James.
“I think,” he says. Then he hesitates before taking a deep breath in and continuing.. “I think you need to tell Sirius. Today”
And yeah, James knows. He knows that Sirius deserves to know and that Remus does too. But James cant help but fear that if he tells Sirius and it goes badly, if the years have been too long and Sirius doesn't take kindly to the fact that James has essentially been hiding for the past 4 years, James thinks it will break him if he isn't welcomed back with open arms, as much as he doesn't deserve it.
Regulus continues “You can come back with me today. Let him see you. He might be angry but it's better that he knows, it would be worse if we hide it, right?”
It strikes James that with the upturn in regulus’ voice in the last sentence and with the question asked, that regulus isn't sure. He's apprehensive about telling Sirius. Isn't sure its the right decision.
This doesn't bode well for James who trusts Regulus’ judgement more than anyone's and if regulus thinks there is reason to worry , then there most likely is.
Still, James needs to get this done. Sirius has been in the dark for too long, they all have and now it's James’ turn to be brave and come clean.
“Ill do it”
Regulus looks surprised.
“I've told him I'm going to drop by in an hour or two” Regulus informs him “i didn't say or suggest anything about you though”
James sighs “okay.”
“Okay”
Regulus looks at James, observing him, eyes darting around James’ features; searching for any signs of uncertainty or fear. He finds none as James is too distracted by the warm feelings left everywhere that regulus’ gaze lingers.
An hour later, Regulus is sat on the sofa, waiting for James to be ready to leave. To distract himself, he repeatedly looks around the room, still perturbed by the unnatural cleanliness of the house. It's just so un-James like, not a single thing apart from James himself indicating that James lives here. Regulus can't quite think about what this means, that no matter how familiar James seems and no matter how easily they've fallen back into the routine of one another in the last day, James is not the same person as he was when he was 18.
He is temporarily distracted from this thought as James enters the room; he is dressed in a grey pair of jeans with a green woolen jumper, the white neck of his t-shirt peeking over the neckline of his jumper. He looks much older and so much more mature than how he is preserved in regulus’ mind. It makes Regulus ache to see.
James reaches for a scarf and jacket, hanging off the back of his front door and turns to face Regulus, a steady, determined look on his face.
“Ready when you are Reg”
Regulus stands and stretches his stiff arms above his head, overly aware of how James’ eyes zero in on the strip of skin he showed as his top rode up.
“Let's go then” he answers.
The journey to Regulus’ place is spent talking, heads close together as they stand together in a crowded tube and loud laughter as they walk across the green.
It is only when they round the corner and regulus announces they have arrived that James’ smile falters.
It's just, Regulus’ reaction had been perfect, he'd said he forgave James, they’d hugged it out and then just revelled in each other's company, making up for lost years. But being around Regulus had always been perfect for James and Regulus had always been too forgiving. But Sirius, he was a different story. Sirius and James got on like a house on fire, until they didn't. They were brothers, they fought and they made up and they loved each other fiercely throughout it all but they were never afraid to hold a grudge or hurt each other. Sirius was never gentle with James. And it terrified James. Sirius would not hold back his anger when he finds out James had chosen not to come back to him. There were surely going to be fists and rage and tears and forgiveness is not guaranteed.
So, as they approach the front door, James steels himself to this; that he may well lose Sirius for good today.
Regulus opens the front door and steps inside, easing off his shoes as he goes and beckons for James to follow him into the kitchen where he can hear Remus and Sirius talking softly.
He turns to check on James before he enters the room only to find a mildly shell shocked-looking James, breath held, eyes wide and glassy.
“It's okay.” he finds himself reassuring James. “I forgive you no matter what”
Regulus reaches down to squeeze James’ hand, silently pleased when he hears James exhale once their skin makes contact.
With that, Regulus pushes through the door and walks into the kitchen, trailing a terrified looking James behind him.
The room falls silent.
Regulus finds himself looking towards Remus first. He seeks the comfort of his best friend in the room where the tension is so thick and taught that you could snap it like a rubber band. He finds Remus already looking at him, mouth gaping eyes darting between James and Regulus. Without saying a word, Remus relays his message perfectly clearly. “What the fuck Regulus”.
Regulus ignores this and rediverts his attention to Sirius and James.
Not a word has been spoken but they seem to be at a standoff, only James seems to more be cowering under Sirius’ scrutiny than anything else.
They stand at odds, two opposite sides of the kitchen, staring at each other.
Sirius’ eyes are wide and wild, rage dancing in the fire behind them. James on the other hand, is hunched over, eyes guilty and unsure but wholly fixed on Sirius nonetheless.
They seem to be stuck at this impasse, not moving, barely breathing which is why it shocks Regulus so much when Sirius suddenly makes a swing for him.
Not having enough time to move, Regulus is landed with a fist squarely in his jaw.
He helps out in pain and surprise just as Sirius raises his fist to take another hit.
Before he can do this however, a hand catches Sirius’ wrist and swings him around.
Now, James and Sirius are face to face, breathing heavily and very clearly angry.
“YOU’RE FUCKING ALIVE?!?!?!” Sirius bellows in James face, a finger jabbing at his chest accusatory.
“YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE ALL THIS TIME AND YOU DIDN’T REACH OUT? WHAT THE FUCK JAMES”
Sirius is red in the face and fuming, his hands gesture wildly and he walks forward menacingly, rounding James up against the wall.
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH? WHAT YOU PUT US ALL THROUGH? AND THEN YOU HAVE THE GALL TO JUST SHOW UP?!?”
He turns his attention to Regulus so quickly it gives him whiplash.
“And you,” Sirius seethes. “You kept it a secret from me. You knew he was alive all this time and you didn't tell me?”
Before Regulus can even defend himself, he hears Remus pipe up.
“He can’t have known Sirius. He would never have done that to you”
Regulus is thankful for Remus’ sense, he only hopes it will get through to Sirius.
Now that the volume of everyone's voices has been lowered and Sirius is visibly shaken up more than he is angry, Regulus sits down at the kitchen table and cautiously guesteres for everyone to do the same.
With the scraping of the chair legs, everyone is sitting. Regulus scans over the faces at the table; all these faces he loves and knows so well. He sees that Remus, although he looks calm, is tearing up and valiantly holding back tears. He sees that Sirius is confused and hurt, that much is written all over his face but underneath that, Regulus can see that Sirius is relieved. James hurts the most to look at. His face is wet with cascading tears and his posture is slumped, defeated . Regret and Pain are written all over his features and Regulus wants nothing more than to reach over and hold him, comfort him and forgive him over and over again.
The room is filled with the sound of four sets of breaths, four hearts beating in tandem.
It's James who breaks the silence.
“I know it's shitty of me turning up here” he whispers. “I should've let sleeping dogs lie and left you all alone, none of you deserved me showing up again after what i did”
He lets out a shuddering breath.
“It's just, after seeing Regulus on the tube the other day, i realised, i just..” his voice breaks. “I just can't be alone anymore. I need you. I need all of you. I… I just don't want to be alone…”
He trails off as the sobs take over his body.
Regulus doesn’t quite understand what James means, why he had this sudden change of heart, but he finds he doesn't care, he gets James back and that's all that matters.
He hooks his ankle with James’ foot, offering him the little comfort he can.
Remus and Sirius are quiet, both seemingly thinking over what James said.
“Oh i so dont fucking forgive you James but im so so so glad to see you all the same” Remus announces as he pushes his chair back and stands before making his way over to behind James’ chair and wrapping his strong arms around James from behind, burring his nose into James’ hair and closing his eyes.
Sirius and Regulus watch as Remus sinks into James, tears rolling down his cheeks and gathering in James’ curls.
James proceeds to break the fuck down as Remus embraces him, his eyes overflowing with tears and his body racked with deep, startling sobs as he clutches at remus’ arms.
And because Regulus was never able to withstand James crying, he finds himself welling up, full to the brim with emotions of love,anger,pain and regret.
Eventually, Sirius clears his throat, demanding attention and signalling he has made up his mind about weather to receive or reject James’ apology.
He begins. “James. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for leaving Remus. I hate you for leaving regulus and for leaving everyone else. I hate you for making me think you were dead. I hate you for making me grieve you. I hate you because you're alive. I hate you because you made me miss 4 years of your life. I hate you because you missed 4 years of mine. I hate you because I don't think I can forgive you for this. And I hate that you make me want to.”
With that declaration, Sirius stands and walks over to James and Remus who are still entwined together.
“Remus,” Sirius says calmly, “get off. It's my turn to hug my best friend”
And at that, Remus removes himself from James and Sirius immediately latches on, holding on to James so tightly that Regulus is sure he is trying to merge their bodies and souls together.
James and Sirius stay there for a while, crying softly and clinging on to each other.
Regulus feels a weight lift from his chest. They are together again. James is home and Regulus finds himself feeling confident in thinking at last, everything is going to be alright.