moving forward
11:30 Tuesday 25th February
Regulus can't sleep.
He’s been sitting in bed cradling a cup of his favorite tea and absently listening to the background sound of Remus and Sirius talking in the kitchen down the hall for the last hour and a half. Sirius’ laughter carries down the hall, making Regulus’ chest ache. It had taken so long for Sirius to get better again. Once James disappeared Sirius had shut down. He hadn’t spoken in months and spent all his time in his bedroom, curled up, lying there just facing the wall. It was so clear that losing James had been like losing a piece of himself for Sirius.
Even Remus couldn’t get Sirius to talk back then. But he persisted. Remus would come over everyday to sit with Regulus and talk to Sirius, regardless of the fact that Sirius never acknowledged or responded. They would talk about James mostly, all happy anecdotes about happier times and hopes that he was out there somewhere, alive and happy. Eventually these discussions faded, becoming less frequent as Sirius began to come back to himself.
He started to look less hollow. Regulus saw his brother come alive again slowly; in glimpses of Sirius’ small smiles when Lily cracked a joke or in the love in his eyes when he thought Remus wasn’t looking.
Things got a whole lot better once Remus and Sirius had sorted themselves out and admitted that they liked each other as well. In short, Sirius had taken his time with it, almost 4 years of mourning but he was himself again. He was better.
And now Regulus had a secret that once revealed would destroy Sirius. If Sirius found out that James was indeed alive and had just left and decided not to come back for them, he would be shattered. Regulus never quite understood the intricacies of James and Sirius’ relationship. In fact, he had often been jealous of it growing up; the way that they worked together as if they were the same soul only split between two bodies. Regulus had wanted that. He and James were always close, but never once did James look at Regulus the way he looked at Sirius, as a brother, a twin-flame, an extension of himself. That used to make Regulus angry. He had wanted James to look at him with that much adoration in his eyes and to know him in the same way he knew Sirius. And in the end Regulus was beginning to think that James did. But that didn't matter. James had gone and Sirius had thought him dead.
So Regulus can’t sleep. He stays awake thinking of the boy with the dark curls and the most mellow brown eyes that he had seen again today. Although deep down Regulus had known that James couldn’t be dead, it had been a relief to have had that knowledge confirmed today. Still, as he listenes to the sounds of his brother's voice muffled by a wall, he wonders if it would be the right thing to tell Sirius at all.
* * *
07:00 Wednesday 26th February
Today, Regulus decides to walk to work. He dresses silently and walks past Sirius’ and Remus’ open bedroom door. Glancing in he sees Sirius bundled up in the duvet, black hair sprawled out across the pillow while next to him lies Remus, curled up on himself, shivering slightly without the warmth of the duvet in the cold room.
“Selfish twat” he mutters fondly under his breath as he continues along the hallway.
He sweeps into the kitchen, busying himself with making a cup of tea. He shuffles around putting the clean cutlery away from the finished dishwasher because of course Sirius didn't do it last night despite his promises to. As the silence was beginning to get too loud for him, he reached over to play some music. Adrianne Lenker’s voice soon filled the kitchen and he swayed along to the gentle crooning of her voice.
Daddy wanted me to leave it
Indiana, Indiana in the cold
Said “you know you don't really need it
Leave the fame for the road”
A sense of serenity filled regulus as he let all his thoughts go, simply allowing himself to feel the music.
I remember when i was leaving
I was only six years old
Oh, how my heart was beatin’
About ready to explode
As the lyrics talking about leaving registered in his head, a cold sensation dripped down Regulus’ spine. He had forgotten. James.
James was alive. James. His Jamie.
The boy he hadn't seen since he was 17.
James was in London and he was alive. That meant James had left them. Left him. Left Sirius. Regulus didn't quite know what to feel. He was relieved of course but at the same time he was aware of all the resentment he had built up towards James for not letting them know he was okay. The fear of having to tell Sirius returned. What would he say? How could he backpedal on all of Sirius’ progress?
Consumed with the fear and hurt and confusion of it all Regulus let his head drop into his hands as he leaned against the kitchen counter, relishing in the cool marble pressing against his warm skin.
“Bad morning?”
“Remus! I hadn’t even heard you get up?” Regulus says, lifting his head and looking at the man that had just entered the room.
“Not an answer.” Remus replied bluntly.
He always did have a way of brushing aside all nonsense and getting to the point.
Regulus sighs. “I’m fine.” he lies. “Besides , aren't all seven o’clock wake up days bad days?”
Remus looks at him unimpressed.
Regulus can see the cogs turning, Remus analyzing his face and trying to figure out what's really wrong. Feeling deeply uncomfortable under Remus’ scrutiny, Regulus decides now is as good a time as any to get going for his walk to work.
As he makes his move out of the room, he hears Remus’ voice call out from behind him.
“Woah Reg. Why on earth are you leaving so early? It’s only seven thirty!” he says incredulously.
Regulus purposely avoids Remus’ eye as he puts on his coat and scarf.
“Walking in today” he mumbles.
He feels Remus’ eyes on his back. There's a beat of silence.
“Why are you avoiding the tube?” Remus asks.
And damn Remus. How does he always know these things? Sometimes Regulus wonders if Remus is able to read his mind, it seems at times as if Remus can see right through him.
Regulus however isn’t as blunt as Remus is and he frankly can’t be bothered to have a confrontation with Remus right now when he inevitably lies and Remus inevitably calls him out on it.
So he leaves without looking back, slamming the door behind him.
* * *
James hasn't felt quite so alive in a while.
He’d spent the last 4 years in a haze, a constant state of sleepwalking never quite sure where he was or what he was doing. That was until yesterday when he saw Regulus again.
At first he hadn't even acknowledged Regulus. He had seen him in the tube, looking at him, but James had assumed that it was another of his own fabrications. You see, James wasn't all too unfamiliar with the sight of people from his old life, he saw them everywhere, ghosts of the people he used to know, haunting James for his sin of leaving them behind. But when he saw Regulus banging on the door, shouting his name, he had realized this wasn't a fabrication, this was real. His heart had kick-started. His body began thrumming like 500-volts of electricity had been run through him. He was fully conscious of his own body for the first time in months and he was conscious, overly so, of Regulus standing, palm splayed across the window of the train as it pulled out of the station.
“Regulus,” James whispered. He wrapped his lips around the name he hadn't dared utter in over 4 years. It tasted the same as it used to.
The ringing silence left after the train's departure had left James paralyzed. He couldn't move. He felt his heart racing in his chest, it had been so long James had almost forgotten what the sight of Regulus did to him. He felt silly, standing there, alone, breathless after only a glimpse of the boy; James at 22 was no less pathetic than he was at 18.
Still, as he gathered his thoughts, he felt the hand gripping his heart telling him that Regulus was coming back. That he needed to run. So he did.
In the aftermath, all James could feel was a buzz, like he'd been submerged under cold water and resurfaced to a world that was brighter, sharper than before. He found himself wandering the streets, aimlessly walking, still high on the sight of Regulus, of the fear of what that meant. Undoubtedly, this would mean that they all knew now. Knew that James wasn't dead but was a coward, running from them. And the worst thing is none of them would know why.
Guilt sits heavily on James’ chest, resting there entwined with the newfound hope he had for himself. Seeing Regulus had made him realize that he didn't want to be alone, not at the end. Not when he saw the panic on Regulus’ face and the relief.
Oh the relief. The relief that meant that Regulus cared. Regulus had thought James was dead. James had told himself it would be better if they all thought he was dead. It would make him an easier pill to swallow. So James had made them think he was dead. And the relief had proved to James that Regulus was glad he wasn't.
Distantly, James hears cars horns and shouting so he forces himself out of his own head and resurfaces in the middle of a busy street, holding up a line of cars.
“Sorry!” he says as he gestures apologetically at the woman driving the car in front of him who is currently scowling at him with a frown that could rival a sulking Sirius.
Ashamed, James decides to duck into the nearest shop to take refuge from the commotion of the street.
As he steps into the shop a bell chimes, announcing his entrance but he finds the room seemingly empty. The room has high ceilings lined with ornate mahogany bookshelves and is full of rows upon rows of books of all colours and states, some new and pristine, others shabby and faded.
Remus would love this, James thinks helplessly.
While still observing the bookshop he has obviously walked into, James breathes in deeply, inhaling the smell of old books and dust, a scent that comforts him immediately as it reminds him of a friend from a better lifetime. Gingerly he runs his fingers over the spines of the books, feeling the ridges and revelling in the sensation. James’ gaze then falls upon an inconspicuous doorway in the right hand corner of the shop from which a warm light appears to glow. Unable to resist the temptation of the unknown, James finds himself walking through the doorway and being met with the most extravagant library he’s ever seen.
The mahogany walls continue into this room but the striking difference is the lighting, for in this room, the ceiling is entirely a stained glass window depicting the sun. James marvels at the beauty and intricacy of the glass art and the way the sun's rays beam through it creating ceptors of multicoloured light in the room. James finds he would be quite content to lie down right where he is and stare at this ceiling, at this sun all day, in fact he would rather like to do it. Life rarely allows James to have things he wants.
A voice suddenly snaps James out of his daze.
“Are you alright?” The voice asks. And James yearns. Yearns because he knows that voice. He knows that voice like he knows the feeling of his own skin.
“Reggie” he breathes.
“No don't worry” He hears Regulus speak again.
And that doesn't make sense. James didn't say anything loud enough to be heard, besides he can't even see Regulus from here.
“You’re my favourite too” he hears Regulus giggle.
The feeling of jealousy floods James. He feels he has to know who Regulus, his Reggie, is talking to. Who his new favourite is. Because it always used to be James. It makes his skin crawl to think that someone else has the honour of being that person for Regulus; the person who Regulus would come to upset, the person who Regulus would sit in silence with, the person Regulus would look for in every room. It's still Regulus for James. If James had shared his soul with Sirius, Regulus would've been his beating heart, his solace. Its hurts to think that even though Regulus is still James’, James isn't Regulus’ anymore.
Fueled by the need to see the person Regulus is talking to, James creeps around the lines of bookshelves, peeking round each corner. Desperate to see but not to be seen. Not yet.
James glances around the next shelf. And
Oh
There he is. James’ bones sing with the sight of Regulus. Momentarily he’s so enraptured by the sight of Regulus that he forgets the objective of his sneaking. But he refuses to be distracted for long. James tears his eyes away from Regulus’ face and fixes his eyes instead upon the person Regulus is talking to.
He sees a child standing solemnly in-front of Regulus, no older than 8 or 9 with long blonde hair and their hands clasped behind their back in a manner much to mature for a child this young. Regulus is holding out a book to said child and is smiling gently down at them, his affection almost tangible in the tenderness of his gaze.
James listens to the rest of the hushed conversation between the unusual pair, all the while remaining concealed from sight, not ready to reveal himself yet. He gathers that this child is a regular at this bookshop and that Regulus works at this bookshop. Reflecting on this new information James comes to a realization. Even if Regulus was glad he wasn't dead, Regulus doesn't need him anymore. Regulus moved on and got a job, he probably graduated university too, Regulus is happy. And James isn't. But forcing himself back into everyone's lives when they've all healed and moved on is selfish and the last thing James wants to be is selfish. So he silently backs away, and he tells himself that he won't be back and that he’ll let them all move on from him. Because they don't need him anymore, no matter how much James needs them and he has no right to be asking for anything from them anymore.
* * *
Regulus is only just settling in to read a chapter of the chronicles of narnia to the little girl called Lottie who visits him once a week when her parents drop her off here while they go out for lunch with their fancy friends when he hears the bell on the door chime out.
Apologetically he tells Lottie that he needs to go and see who it is but he’ll be back in a second, so he hauls himself off the beanbag on the floor and makes his way to the front of the shop. As he gets to the front Regulus glances around, confused, as he finds himself utterly alone in the room. He definitely heard the bell ring though which can only mean that someone who was there before had just left and that he had not heard the ring when they first entered. It's a simple explanation really so Regulus wonders why his chest aches and why he feels like he has just missed something of vital importance.