Chapter 13
No one would believe her if she told the truth, thanks to Kari she’d already been written off as insane, but now she knew for a fact her strange dreams, her peculiar thoughts, the words whispered on the wind, it was all from the moon goddess she so fervently prayed to. She’d seen her, met her amongst the stars, the moment she was about to hurl words she could never take back at the General she’d been pulled from this world. But no one would believe her, she couldn’t even tell Thalia.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Thalia finished draping her dress, it was a rosy peach silk that the General had gifted her. Only he’d had it made into the most exquisite dress. “Does your head hurt?”
“I’m fine, it was just stress.” She repeated the physicians words. “Go ready yourself, the priest said the General and I should use this time for reflection.”
“Eat something, you can’t faint again.” Thalia looked over her once more before leaving.
Despite whatever had happened the night before, the cross words she was sure they’d had, the General- or Tom as she must start thinking of him- had been nothing but kind. True kindness, in the overbearing way she kind of liked. He was standing on the balcony staring at something on the horizon, for a usurper he didn’t seem very happy it was his coronation.
“Are you sad?” Perhaps he was thinking of his family, people he’d never once mentioned.
“What if they don’t accept me, what happens then?” He didn’t look at her, instead studying something in the distance. “You probably don’t even understand me.” Then he turned, offering her a charming smile. “You look lovely, a lovely little peach.”
“If they don’t accept you then they are foolish, I think you have good plans and good ideas.” It was time he stopped calling her stupid. “I think we will be good rulers.”
“You don’t listen to my plans, you just sit there and giggle.” He rolled his eyes.
“I laugh when you pull faces at Ambrose’s ideas.” It must be terrible luck to argue before your coronation. “You want to have farms so strong that we don’t import grain, you want to save a portion of the harvest as a reserve, you want to make big trade deals and conquer other islands, you want so many things and I think the people will respect you.”
“And what do you want?” He challenged.
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Surely you have a cause, some sort of belief?” He snorted softly as she didn’t reply. “For one so adamant of being queen, one so assured she should sit upon the throne based on little more than shared blood, what will you bring to the people?”
“But queens don’t have power-“
“So you have no cause?” His jaw tensed and she flinched on instinct, this is when he would get violent. “You wish only to take.”
“I have a cause.” Surely she could think of one, something she believed in. “I think lots of things.”
‘What?” He stepped closer.
“You know there are women, lots of women actually, and poor women, even here there are women-“
“Yes Alina, women exist.”
“They get raped.” That was a cause, something she believed in. Something she hated. “Women, even the servants and no one protects them. I would change that.”
“You would want to protect women?” His hand found her cheek again, as though none of that unpleasantness had passed. “Even those poor and destitute, prostitutes and slaves?”
“I thought it was a good cause, but if you don’t I will change it.” Perfectly pliable, that’s what she needed to be. “I will be a good queen, the people like me, you know that.”
“Your brother would disagree, he would say that was a pointless endeavour.” But still he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “It would take time, effort, and resources to do that and would add no value to the crown. Do you still want to do it?”
“I don’t care what Kari thinks, he obviously only cares of himself.” He’d allowed her to be sold, assaulted, raped, beaten, he must have known. He did know. “Kari would think that you shouldn’t have the crown, Kari would say he should, I say you should.” And her, by proxy. “You think I am stupid because I can’t speak your language nicely, because I am shy, because I can’t read properly-“
“You can’t read?” At least he was calming, she could handle him calm.
“It wasn’t permitted, father said there was no need.” She squared her shoulders, holding his eyes. “I taught myself as best I could, I had a scribe show me how to write the letters and I practiced.”
“I’ll teach you to read, it’s only fitting a queen should read.” It was just as the goddess had said, through him she would find her true path. It was her throne, not his. “Do you truly accept me as king, knowing how I came to the throne?”
“I just don’t know why you did it?” To kill so many people, even children, it wasn’t right.
“The gods told me to, that’s why.” His hands found her waist, pulling her up to balance precariously on the balcony ledge. “They chose me.”
“Chose you for what?” It wasn’t that she didn’t believe him, it was just a convenient answer.
“To return what has been taken, to restore the glory to the gods.” His eyes shone with fervour. “They chose me, I came from nothing, had nothing, was nothing, and they chose me for glory.”
“Will you accept me, even if you think I have nothing to offer, even if the women hate me, and my family call me insane?” She held tight to his arm, praying he wouldn’t drop her. Of course he would accept her, she legitimised him. “We’ve been happy these few days, we could always be happy.”
“What happened to you last night?” He moved closer, lips grazing her temple. “I was worried.”
“You were whispering to Nyota, as queen I forbid you to whisper to other women.” Their lips brushed as she tilted her face, if he had a mistress her already shaky status would shatter. “You are my husband, you picked me before the gods and I picked you. If you break that promise, your world will burn.”
“Don’t speak such curses.” He sucked in a sharp breath. “Take it back.”
“It’s true.” That was the fear she needed, enough to make him take heed. “You made a promise to me, to be fair, and kind, not to attack me, and to love me above all others.”
“No-“
“Yes, that’s what I agreed to in the temple.” The fear in his eyes was gratifying, a sliver of power in her court. “This whole kingdom will fall if you break your promise to me.”
“But why would I do that, not as lovely as you are.” His fingers traced her jawline, tilting her face towards him ready for another kiss. “The people want to see a happy queen, a queen proud of her kingdom.”
There were many things she could have said, that she wanted to say, but it was always better to pretend she had forgotten the way he had treated her, pretend she was just a simple woman who was only happy her husband was now kind. There was a reason he now doted on her, she would eventually find it. But for now she would be his loving wife, she would look at him as though he could change the world and sit comfortable in the place she’d carved out of his heart. Somehow she’d managed to rouse his protective instincts, it made life much calmer.
“Promise me that only you will hold the rope?” She was to be led to the temple on one of his horses, he was to walk. A stunning visual, but she had never ridden a horse. “Tom, you won’t let it bolt?”
“Make them love me.” He stood as straight as a soldier, challenging the world. “If they swarm us, I can’t protect you.”
“They won’t.” She sat straighter, shifting in the saddle.
Trumpets blared as lesser courtiers began to walk, behind them foreign kings were on horseback and queens in litters, already they sounds of the crowd reached them and they’d not even left the palace walls. One wrong move, one rejection and they’d all be killed. Even as she held her smile, she prayed to the moon goddess, her one constant guardian, today would go perfectly and the General would grant her a wish. If he granted her a wish, if the moon goddess smiled upon them, she would ask- no demand- a temple to be constructed in her honour. Father may have destroyed all images of the mon goddess, only her sister Iset had kept the alter a secret, but she would pay the respect deserved to the goddess who shone on all women.
It was her name they chanted the most not his, of course they called blessings to the new king as they proceeded to the temple but it was still her name shouted loudest of all. In turn the General kept an impassive face and offered a few curt waves to the crowd, she however waved happily as any good queen should and even tried to catch a flower only to receive a sharp warning from Zesiro. Apparently that was dangerous, she could have fallen.
The normally white floors of the temple reflected a rainbow of colours from the glass lanterns hanging from the ceiling, thick ribbons of incense smoke danced through the air and gauzy curtains were hanging around the sacred pool. There was a heaviness in the air, a feeling that something was going to happen. Tom bowed low, touching his forehead to the ground at the foot of the alter whilst she stood to the side with the ladies of the court. Already they were whispering things about her, petty, cruel things. Helena whispered that she might drown in the pool and the sharp snort had Tom turning, there was a look in his eyes she’d never seen. Something beyond the anger she’d faced. His chosen men stepped forward to remove his sandals as he pulled his tunic over his head, the muscles in his back rippling in a way she was truly starting to enjoy. He was so strong, yesterday she was picking nuts from a bowl so he could crack them in his palm, he might even be stronger than Kari.
Silence fell as he descended the steps into the pool, it was getting slightly darker as some sort of cloud moved overhead, he was to become a king. The priest spoke blessings over the pool, naming the gods and seeking their wisdom. No one dared speak. The priest raised his holy sceptre as the women surrounded her, now Tom would name the god that guided him, and the priest would lay an offering. But not until she’d been disrobed.
“I’m glad I’m not this skinny.” Narin snorted as she pulled the cloak from her neck with enough force to leave a mark.
“Touch my cousin again and I’ll have my brother gift me your hand on a platter.” Nyota kept a pleasant smile, but her eyes were cold. “Step back, you may hold her things.”
“I can feel them looking at me.” Even Tom’s friends were staring, watching as she was slowly undressed. “It’s not right.”
“And Hami is watching them, stand proud.” Nyota removed her dress.
Even if this was the most significant event of her life, it was the day she would become queen, even as Tom spoke the name of the war god who would be his patron, all she could focus on were the whispers as she stood naked before the pool. It was Ambrose’s whisper that made her uncomfortable, the way Nik’s eyes constantly roved her body, even the way Abraxas’ eyes kept lingering on her breasts. It was cold, that was why she was trembling, the incense stung her eyes and that was why tears prickled.
“He obviously didn’t belt her hard enough, there’s no marks.” Aura whispered and another titter erupted from the women behind her.
They would never accept her, she would spend her life on the outside desperately trying to find a way in. A meaningless life, she would fade to nothing and live a life in isolation. How could they accept her, the fall of her family had shattered their worlds.
“Call forth your queen.” The priest’s voice echoed around the temple.
“Alina, stand beside me.” He didn’t hesitate, not for a second. “Take your place at my side, from this day until my last.”
“Until an heir.” The unkind whisper reached her ears as she stepped forward.
Perhaps they were right, the frigid water stung her skin, perhaps all he wanted was an heir and then she’d meet an untimely end. It did run in her family, many of her brothers and sisters had met a shadowy death. Arista had fallen down the stairs, Maas had drunk sour wine, Iset had fallen from a chariot, even Kari had once had a brush with death. Her own mother had died in childbed, maybe he hoped the same would happen to her. The earth tremored as she reached the last step, sending her plummeting into the water, it was getting darker. Darker still. People were whispering, there was a distant scream as the temple was shrouded in darkness.
“Alina, where are you?” Tom’s hand caught her shoulder, dragging her close. “Are you well?”
“They hate me, the women hate me.” It was so dark, it would always be dark here. “What’s happening?”
“I will look after you, I will keep you safe.” His arms were around her, comforting her in a way he never had.
“Don’t leave me here, come back for me, come back for me, Tom-“ It was so dark, it was always dark here. So lonely, everyone had forgotten her, left to rot in the dark. “Please…please-“
“You will be safe with me, come my darling bring the light back.” His arms were grounding, pulling her away from that strange dream and into the dark temple. There were no waves, no rocks, no frightening mist, just darkness. “Show me the way.”
Even if his words made little sense they eased the fear constricting her chest, the priest was saying something, people were shouting, it was getting lighter, but none of that mattered. All that mattered was he would keep her safe, alive, present, with him she would never fade away even it was only due to his need for her.
“The gods…” Whatever else he said she couldn’t quite translate, but the awe in his tone was enough for her to pull her face away from his chest.
The pool shone a silvery-blue, but a heavy fog hung between them and the rest of the court, above them the moon was half blocking the sun but both shining as brightly as the other. Never in her life had she seen anything like this, thrums of power rippled across the water as she stared, Tom was holding her closer, carefully close, protecting her instead of pining her place. The fog dropped, his arms dropped, the sun was back, she inched away.
“What-“
“Continue.” Tom spoke over her, staring only at the priest.
The priest said the rights as Tom anointed her chest with the blessed oil, but all the while whispers flew around the temple. Oil trickled along her forehead and chest until it met the water and blossomed into shimmering petals, it was cold in here, cold enough to shiver, but Tom was now receiving his crown and oaths of loyalty. It was laughable really, that anyone in this court should swear fealty. If those oaths held any weight, then where was the old king? Where was her uncle?
By the time she was called to stand beside him her limbs were numb with cold, but even her numb limbs moved gracefully as she ascended the pool without even the tiniest misstep. She should bow to him, that’s what everyone expected, but she didn’t. Why should she? She was the legitimate blood on the throne, you could crown a donkey and it would only be a donkey in a crown.
There was a pause after the diadem was placed on her head, more whispers – probably about how exquisite this diadem was. No, they were making comments of her body again, vile things that made her skin crawl, things that made her want to stay within the walls of her room, things that made her want to beg Tom never to leave her ide. Not that he was any better.
“Bring her dress.” Tom had definitely heard Nik’s crude words, but at least he didn’t laugh. “Now.”
Narin replied something and Tom’s face darkened, there was something changed about him, something different shining behind his eyes, his jaw tensed. Oh. It was laughable how childish they could be, whatever fault they found in her, whatever slight she may have struck them with, nothing she had ever done was enough to warrant this kind of humiliation.
But Thalia was always reliable, Thalia always cared, she shrugged off her own cloak to quickly offer and ignored the titters that the new queen was to wear the cloak of a servant. A slave, that’s what they kept saying.
“Even now I must be humiliated.” She tied the belt tighter, moving closer to Thalia.
“What happened in the pool Lina, we couldn’t see anything.” Thalia adjusted the collar. “All we could see was light?”
“There was an eclipse?” It had been dark, but she couldn’t remember much more than Tom’s arms around her.
“But-“
“Come my queen, the people want to see you.”
***
She had seen his anger from the first day they had met, directed at her as always, but this time it had sat purely with the women who were inexplicably her enemies. They were supposed to spend the next few hours in contemplative reflection, but in reality she had sat primly on the edge of the sofa whilst he paced around the room raging at everything and everyone. Thalia translated the bits she didn’t understand but it was an anger she’d never seen, he seethed over the way they disrespected her as though he hadn’t spent their entire marriage mocking her, he ranted about their rudeness as though he’d ever been kind, he was a perfect hypocrite and she could say nothing.
But he was getting dangerous, erratic, so unlike the calculated cruelness she knew, he spoke of executing the women, forcing them to work in pillowhouses, flogging his friends, declaring was on a king he was sure had been looking at her in a way he deemed improper. It was all a bit much.
“Tom, I am sorry that my dress was lost.” If she could get his attention away from the women then his rule would last longer than a single afternoon. “You may leave me up here again if you wish, I shan’t do any of the terrible things I did before.” Thalia slipped form the room, a lie this brazen didn’t deserve an audience. “Only I beg that you allow me a candle this time.”
“Alina, I am not angry with you.” His mood flipped as he knelt before her, but still he looked strange. “I won’t leave you in the dark again.”
“Good.” It was good, it seemed to soothe something in her chest, but she couldn’t say why.
There was a memory dancing on the edge of her mind, but when she inched closer it twirled into the dark recess of forgetting. Oh well. The General was still looking at her oddly, as if he’d never really seen her before, his mood might flip once more. She could make him happy, there were things they did that always improved his mood, but sometimes what made him happy was rather horrific for her. Especially when he was angry.
Her lips grazed his as she offered a tentative kiss. “I like it when you defend me, even if it’s just words in this room.” The fear shaking her voice sounded like sincerity, another gentle kiss passed between them. “But today is about us, not them.”
“It was a sign today, the moon and sun, it was the gods… didn’t you, did you… I know what it was.” He murmured against her lips, pressing a quick succession of kisses. “It was me you turned to, me you begged for help, only I can save you.”
“Okay.” That was not at all how she remembered things, but if it calmed him she’d agree. “I think the gods did speak to you, I think I heard it too. It’s only to be expected, they did choose us to rule after all.”
“Promise me you believe me, I’ll know if you’re lying.” His hands travelled to the buttons of her cloak. “My poor little princess wearing the cloak of a slave on her coronation. This is not what I had in mind.”
“I’m not lying.” And she was a queen, not a princess. Her hand covered his. “You haven’t told me how pretty I am.”
That’s how she could tell if what was about to happen would be nice or awful; it was nice when he paid her compliments and offered her gifts, it was awful when he stormed into the room and dragged her to the bed. But he hadn’t dragged her to the bed for a while and she was becoming an expert in dodging those moods, distract him with something or look busy at her loom, he was edging at the border of kind and she would nurture it with all she could. Soon things would be as she wanted, with him giving her whatever she wanted.
“I suppose I must pay the toll.” His lips brushed her jaw as he undid the buttons of the cloak. “You are the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, so quiet and refined, so graceful, so lovely.”
“And you love me?” The cloak was pushed from her body.
“Obviously.” It was his usual answer as the backs of his fingers trailed along her arms.
He was a handsome man, only a fool would say otherwise, the sharp angles of his jaw was something she’d only ever seen on statues and the lashes that framed his eyes were almost too pretty to belong to such a man. A poet maybe, but not a soldier. Her fingers grasped the cloak as he tried to pull it from her, sometimes she needed some form of autonomy over her body, a reminder that she wasn’t just a thing for him to use, it was cold in here.
“No?” He shook his head softly, leaning in for another kiss. This time his tongue traced her bottom lip as his fingers danced along her spine, gently pushing the cloak lower. “You mustn’t say no.”
“You must take off your clothes too, not just me.” She wasn’t some dancing girl to be gawked at, despite the events of the coronation. “It’s better that way.”
“Is it?” He chuckled softly, sitting back to pull off his loose shirt.
There were so many things she wanted to say, so many witty comeback or sly asides, even some things that would pass as flirting, but when she translated it across it sounded clumsy and awkward. The heavy holy oil that anointed their skin filled her nose as he moved to lounge against the arm of the sofa and beckoned for her to join him, he was the picture of entitlement, he didn’t care that she preferred the warmth of the bed or that she liked his gentle touches as opposed to his harsh pinches.
“I’m cold.” It wasn’t saying no, it was just stating how she felt. “Let me feel warm for a while, tell me what you saw?” Some insight into who he was would be useful, he was her husband after all. She knew his likes and dislikes, what angered him, what made him smile, but she didn’t know him. There was a thick blanket, one she had finished weaving just last week, that would do. “Tell me about you?”
“Me?” He looked as though she’d just beat him with a rock.
“Yes, you.” She reclined beside him, perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa. Never a bother, never a threat. “Would you like some blanket?”
“Wait here.” He pressed a kiss to her head, leaving her to get the better spot on the sofa. If he was a gentleman he’d always let her lay by the back, but he wasn’t so she spent her life balancing on the edge as he took up almost the entire seat.
But he was learning, or trying, one of the two, she could tell by the way he stoked the fire and called for tea. Fine white scars were littered across his back, a perfectly muscular back, but there was an angry red line on his abdomen that she wanted to ask about.
“Why do you want to know?” He pulled the cushion from under her arm and placed it by the arm of the sofa, so he could be the one comfortable. “I suppose your cousins asked you to find out.”
“No one tells me stories anymore, you already know I can’t read well.” She tucked herself into his side, feigning tiredness. His fingers flexed in frustration, probably better to change tact. “It’s not strange for a wife to want to know her husband.”
“Then I’ll tell you a story, if I must.” He dragged the blanket over his chest, tucking it under her chin.
The story he told was something to do with a bird, apparently as a young boy he’d liked birds, she liked birds, there was a pretty white bird soaring around this lake and she could lay here forever and watch it. The pillows were scented with rosewater, calmness washed over her as something moved behind her.
“You, my little one, are going to be very happy.” A soft voice drew her attention from the lake. “If you let me in, if you let me guide you, I will keep you happy and safe.”
“Arista?” The woman before her looked familiar, she kind of looked like all her departed sisters. If she didn’t know any better she’d think it was mother, but mother apparently had skin as pale as marble.
“Alina, why don’t you let me in?” The woman had the most beautiful curls she’d ever seen, not a single one had turned puffy or separated. “You run from me, when I try and reach out to you it seems like you push me away.” She reached out, touching her cheek. “You call out to me, then you run away.”
“Are you my sister?” It could be the sister, the guiding presence she’d begged for. “Why do you come now that he’s kinder?”
“Today you must make him very happy, you must tell him how to make you happy and I will guide you. Only then, when he looks at you in a way that you have never seen then you must say something very special. Will you do that for me, for your dearest sister? For your sweet Arista?” Arista took a lock of her hair, braiding their hair together. “Will you?” She waited for her to nod. “What you’ll say is this; ‘I had a funny dream, I dreamt that there were golden trees lining a tall hill and when I crested the hill I saw the sea and it frightened me.’ Can you do that for me?”
“But I didn’t dream that?” He already thought she was slow, adding in pointless dreams wouldn’t exactly help her case.
“But you’ll say that, then you’ll say your nightly prayers like a dutiful sister should and you’ll go to the coronation feast.” Arista kissed her cheek. “And I will tell you how to please him, it’s truly not so hard.”
“He hurts me sometimes.” Most times. “I don’t like it.”
“I will tell you how to like it, do as I say Alina or things will only get worse.” Arista’s eyes hardened for a moment. “Just listen to me.”
Arista smelled like lotus oil as she whispered scandalous secrets into her ear, secrets that she was sure their mother never would have shared with them had she lived. The things she was suggesting, the things Arista wanted her to do, they didn’t seem at all the things a woman of her status should be doing in the least. But the more she thought of ignoring the advice the harsher Arista’s whispers became, the lake no longer seemed calm and the trees no longer peaceful, a harsh wind ripped through the clearing and Tom appeared before her.
“Alina, calm down.” Tom was gripping her shoulders. “What is the matter with you?”
Great, she’d annoyed him already. The room had only grown warmer, at some point he must have left her to fetch yet another blanket and that could only attest to his care for her. He’d even dressed her in a nightgown, despite the fact it meant he’d removed the cloak she had fought to keep. It was somewhat sweet. They were still on the sofa, even if it was far less comfortable and far more cramped than the bed, far in the distance the sounds of celebration could be heard but this room was still a calm oasis.
“Alina?” He cupped her cheek, shifting so she wasn’t pinned against the back of the sofa.
Even if she couldn’t see her, she could feel Arista’s eyes burning into the back of her skull. She’d been given a task, an opportunity, all she needed to do was complete it. It was the beginning of a good life, of a calm world, of finally knowing what to want and getting it, of knowing who she was and all she could be.
“Sometimes I just feel frightened.” She crawled over him, following Arista’s directions. “I prefer it when you are here.” It was clear he didn’t believe her, he wasn’t stupid after all. “If someone broke through the door again, I think you would fight them off and I could just lay here and watch. I think you would do that for me.” She pressed a short kiss to his cheek, forcing a blush. “I think you wouldn’t do that for anyone else.”
“Is that so?” He raised a brow.
“It is so, deny it all you want I know you would. You are much less cruel, I so rarely have to miss meals these days-“
“You don’t miss any meals.” He cut her off, sometimes he rolled his eyes so hard she did wonder if they’d roll out of his skull. Maybe they could roll all the way to the sea and he’d stop being such a bloody child, it was rude to always show your annoyance that way.
“I do, if you leave before breakfast then no breakfast is brought for me and Thalia.” She let her hand rest on his chest, feeling his heart pounding.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He wasn’t following the script, he was making a big deal over the meals when she was now more than accustomed to it. There had been a time where she had thought it the most cruel and unusual punishment, now she didn’t really care. “What else aren’t you receiving? “
“Kisses.” She repeated the words whispered into her mind, it was quite odd really.
But odd or not she pressed another kiss to his cheek before trailing her lips to meet his, already his hands were moving towards the hem of her nightgown. It wasn’t at all how Arista said things should go, she was supposed to kiss his chest next and touch his muscles. Or was it the other way around? But if she said no then he would be annoyed, so she let him pull the nightgown over her head with a sigh.
“You are quite lovely, and I think you know it.” It was a compliment said in the way that felt it wasn’t a compliment. “Have you started playing games, is that what you were whispering with your cousins about?”
“No.” It was touching his muscles first, she was sure of that.
She tuned out his baseless accusations and boring conversation as she dusted her fingers along his shoulders, then his biceps, then his chest. He had a strong chest. Was she supposed to kiss it now? No, she wasn’t. Right, she wiped the kiss away and began again, touching his shoulders, then arms, then chest, then trailing her fingers along his stomach. The scar was jagged, starting just above his navel and trailing around his left side, it didn’t seem to be something one could recover from. Yet here he was.
“Ask.” He said, challenging her as his fingers trailed along her thigh.
“What happened?” It wasn’t time for him to touch her thigh, she’d not kissed from his chest to his stomach yet.
“The last war I fought for the old king, I was struck down and they left me for dead.” His fingers trailed along her side, over her shoulder, until it was settled at the nape of her neck. “Three days later, I returned. Very much alive.”
“How?” Her breath hitched as his hand slid over her collarbone, slowly, gently, only stopping when he’d cupped her breast.
“So many questions.” His thumb brushed over her nipple, sending a jolt of lightening to the tips of her fingers. “Kiss me.”
“Yes, Tom.” The words Arista had gifted her had him groaning softly, hopefully in a good way.
His gaze darkened as she rocked her hips, she could feel him straining between them with only the thin fabric of his trousers as a shield. This time she ignored his lips, instead kissing her way along his chest and stomach as Arista had instructed. His stomach was taut underneath her touch, but he was unusually reserved as he just watched her. In the times before, the times where he hadn’t simply held her down and carried on, he’d never stayed still with his hands constantly roving her body or moving her around so he could do what he’d liked. But her favourite was when he would kiss her thighs and pull her leg over his shoulder, he was always gentle then.
Her fingers stilled at his waistband, her heart was slamming in her chest, she couldn’t even swallow for her throat was painfully dry, this was a different kind of nerves, a type of anxiety she’d never felt. A nervousness not brought about by fear, but something else entirely.
“Are you thinking of your next interrogation?” His tone was devoid of any emotion, the careful blankness he reserved for those in the court he trusted the least.
“I don’t know what to do.” She swallowed thickly. “I wanted to make you happy-“
“Who said this would make me happy?” His hand was tight around her wrist, one wrong answer and this too would become dust.
“I asked Thalia,” Thalia was a safe person, a harmless person. “I wanted to know what pleases men, I want to please you here but I can’t. I know I don’t, but I could and then you would like me more.”
“Then ask me, not your slave.” His grip softened, instead lifting his hips and pulling off his trousers.
Even if he didn’t say it, the pink tinge on his chest proved that he was somewhat affected by this turn of events too. It must be quite an important thing for a wife to be willing, which was a strange thought as it hadn’t mattered when she was unwilling. Finally she allowed her eyes to inch along his stomach and look at what was probably her least favourite aspect of him, it was a strange thing, it looked sore and the tip was a deep pink as opposed to the dusky colour of the rest of it, then there was the size of it. She moved her forearm to compare the size and he seemed to be holding in a laugh, but it was a truly alarming thought that he had forced this inside of her.
“I think the problem is your size,” It was also probably long enough to touch her navel, a purely horrifying thought. “Perhaps you must only put a little inside this time.”
“Perhaps.” He huffed a laugh, but he was looking at her in an odd way once more.
Her cheeks were aflame as she lowered her head to press a kiss to the leaking tip, Arista hadn’t really told her what else to do so she simply pressed two more short kisses against it before moving to straighten.
“Take me inside your mouth.” His fingers knotted in her hair, holding her head down. “Just a little princess, just try it.”
He tasted salty but not necessarily unpleasant, however it was very apparent that she was doing something she most certainly shouldn’t be doing. His hand was growing heavier on her head, slowly pushing it down until she could barely breath, but when she made a noise of distress his hand moved to her earlobe and gently massaged it instead.
“Suck it.” He commanded, and she hollowed her cheeks in response.
One forearm was resting on his stomach and the other pressing into the sofa to keep her steady, carefully she bobbed her head to take as much as she could and traced her tongue along the tip. He seemed to like it when she used her tongue so she did it more, the way he was shifting beneath her, panting softly as he massaged her earlobe, it was intoxicating, powerful, she could feel his gently groans resounding between her thighs. He was a dangerous man, a powerful man, half the world feared him and the other half hated him, yet here he was whispering how well she was doing, calling her a good girl, a sweet peach, telling her to keep going. This was power.
“Stop!” He pushed her back rather forcefully.
“Tom-“
“No love, you were doing too well, so well, come here?” His voice instantly softened but her hands were still shaking. He was still that same man after all. “Come on princess, you don’t need to be frightened.”
“I’m not frightened.” Just terrified.
Even after what she had just been doing he pulled her back into a kiss as he manoeuvred them so he was on top, at some point they’d surely move to the bed but now probably wasn’t the time to mention it. His palms swept along her thighs, her waist, even her calves as he hooked a hand under a knee and pushed it up. But his lips were never still as he kissed along her neck, finding that spot that set fires burning in her stomach – lower than her stomach, his gentle kisses, his playful nips, it was maddening.
Her fingers swept along his shoulders as he licked a stripe to the centre of his chest, his fingers brushed over her nipple and her blood burnt through her veins once more. A heaviness settled between her legs as he toyed with her nipple, sometimes simply tracing his thumb over it and other times pinching it gently, then his mouth closed around her other nipple.
The noise that left her mouth was far from ladylike, but he said nothing as he continued to torment her, teasing her until her hips ground fruitlessly against him. She needed something else, something more, something there.
“Tom… Tom, please.” Her words were desperate pants as he released her nipple with a sharp pop.
“I would prefer it if you were never unhappy.” He placed a final kiss to her chest before settling back between her legs.
They were only simple words, the kind of words one would expect a man to say to his wife, but from him it felt truer than any declaration of love he had made. Sometimes she wondered if she only believed those declarations because she knew his love would keep her safe, but these quiet words were enough to lend to the promise of safety. Maybe even of happiness. A sharp breath broke the silence as his fingers moved between her legs, tracing her, slipping inside of her as she ground against him, there were no thoughts in her mind but what he would do next, whether he would take the time to pull her to the ledge.
“Remember, not all of it.” Her mind snapped back to the present as his hand moved away, instead he was now nudging against her.
“Alina, you will take a deep breath, breathe out and kiss me.” He ignored her suggestion once more. “Breathe out slowly.”
But first she needed to stop hyperventilating, she couldn’t breathe out slowly when she could barely breathe in, it always hurt, even when he was kind it always hurt, but he whispered kind words, sweet promises, as he kissed her forehead and cheeks in turn. He didn’t move, he just peppered her with kisses as she tried to count to ten.
“I won’t hurt you again, I’ll never take you in anger again, if only you can find it in yourself to relax.” His words were honey, smoothing over the cracks of fear in her chest. “Let me make you mine, in body and soul.”
“Will you protect me, and defend my name?” It wasn’t a conversation for now, but the distraction helped control her breathing. In. Out. In. Out. She was calming. “You should tell people they mustn’t be unkind to me anymore.”
“I will do unspeakable things for your honour.” He pushed against her as she finally let out a slow breath. “If you do the same for mine.”
There wasn’t a moment to think of how uncomfortable she felt, of how he was so large she could feel him pushing her apart, his hand slid between them once more and his lips dropped to hers. But this time she wanted to kiss him, tracing her tongue along his lower lip and rocking her hips as he rocked into her. His fingers were steady as he circled her, sending thrums of pleasure around her body, she could feel it coiling within her, tightening in her stomach and echoing along her spine, every nerve was aflame as his pace quickened but he never broke the kiss. Her hand dropped from his shoulder and found her nipple as he pushed at her knee, angling himself impossibly deeper, the noises pulled from her lips were desperate, undignified, but she was alive, on fire, hurtling towards something so fast that her nails dug into his skin as she clung to him.
“Tom-“ There was nothing she could say, only that she thought she might be having a heart attack.
Stars exploded behind her eyes as she clenched around him, his pace was punishing as he chased her fall but she barely noticed, for a moment she felt transported. Little more than a feather coasting the breeze, melting into the sofa as he kept his weight off of her. If they could do that again, if it would always feel that way, then perhaps she would ask to do it most days. All the time perhaps.
“Alina, princess, I meant it.” His hand shook slightly as he trailed the backs of his fingers along her cheek. “This world I’m forging, our world, I will make you happy and you will make me happy with your happy thoughts.”
“I’m a queen, not a princess.” A queen who would forge her own path, a queen who would be remembered.
“You are hungry, you must be as I’m starving.” He moved them so she was lying on his chest once more, something huge had shifted between them and she was loathe to ever see it move back into place. “I’ll call for fruit in a moment, then we’ll dress for the feast.”
“I must pray first.” After such an intimate moment it felt wrong to tell a lie. “You know, I had a strange dream earlier.”
Please don’t ask, please don’t want to know. He never usually didn’t, hopefully this time he’d ignore it too.
“What did you dream?” The gods were mocking her.
“Oh nothing much, only that there were golden trees lining a tall hill and when I crested the hill I saw the sea and it frightened me. It was just a silly dream, nothing more.” She must be mad, taking advice from what was probably a dream in itself. A hallucination maybe. “Pay it no mind.”
“Golden tree?” He held her slightly tighter, but said nothing else.