Girl Troubles

Turns out everything was not fine, and Mary did not have nearly as much time as she thought.

Honestly, she scolded herself, what had she thought there was time for? For her to come out to Lily, get Lily to come out to her, for them to fall in love and Potter to leave them alone? It had already been about three years of being super, totally, embarrassingly into her best friend, and none of that had even come close to happening. The only thing she did have time for, she mused, was murdering James Potter.

But that was ridiculous. Is it, though? Yes, it was. Utterly ridiculous.

For the last few weeks, Potter had been reigning absolute terror on their friend group (saying hi when he saw them) and mocking Mary to no end (calling her by her first name and being nice). So of course, now she felt socially obligated to call him by his first name, and it felt like she was throwing up every time it left her mouth.

“Hi Lily, hi Mary,” he’d say as he walked past them in the Great Hall.

“Hello James,” they’d respond in unison, one voice soft with kindness and the other a half-hearted grumble.

The worst part was that any ammunition she once had against him no longer applied, so she couldn’t even try and deter Lily from him. He had become the very picture of an angel. He had stopped pulling as many pranks as before, and when he did they were more funny than harmful (Mary thought back to the one he pulled on Slughorn last week, in which his goblet kept draining itself every time he tried to take a sip. Slughorn had thought that was hilarious and awarded Gryffindor five points. Favouritism). He had also started standing up for kids who were being bullied by Slytherins which was, of course, entirely endearing (although, Mary was pretty sure he already did that the previous years too, but only now was Lily really acknowledging it. Not a good sign). And worst of all, he was taking his studies much more seriously.

Which meant he had a perfectly good reason to worm his way into more of Lily’s life by joining her for study sessions. Game. Over. Mary hated studying. She went to the library for Lily, and in the rare event that she needed some peace, but overall, she just didn’t enjoy putting any more time into her studies than the bare minimum. It was too quiet, too boring, too stressful. She didn’t like to keep her brain that limited. Besides, she was getting perfectly average grades without it. She’d spend a few hours a week with Lily doing her essays (and being regularly quizzed on content by her, because “you won’t pass your NEWTs without studying in intervals!”) and then she’d be on her merry way.

Potter was a different story. In fact, it had become increasingly clear to her that he was simply different to her (read: better) in everything. She knew that Remus Lupin liked to study in the library as well, so he and Lily would often occupy the same table, giving Potter an easy in when he’d decidedly had enough of his shenanigans with Black. And based on the lack of complaints from her best friend, and the way he had started taking notes in class between all his messing around, it seemed his newfound care for his grades was the real deal.

For three weeks now, she’d been trying to find out more about their growing friendship, slipping in a subtle “how was your study session?” every night before bed, to no avail. Lily was the epitome of indifference. “It was good, I got through, like, four chapters of the Potions textbook and finished the Charms essay, but I really feel like I need to focus more on the chapter about heating potions and how they…”

It was time for her to take matters into her own hands. She was sat on a sofa in the Gryffindor common room, with Lily in the seat next to her, reading a book. She fiddled with a loose thread on the end of her sleeve while she readied herself. Her plan had been formulated, and all that was left was to put it in action.

“Hey, Lil, can I join you in the library today? I want to have that Potions assignment done before our Hogsmeade weekend.”

It was a blessing (which seemed rather rare these days) that James hadn’t asked Lily out to Hogsmeade as she’d expected.

Lily’s face brightened. “Of course! We could always use a fourth person,” she mused, “I think James is getting bored of me and Remus talking about our Arithmancy work.”

Her already fake smile grew even more strained. “Yes. Chatting with Potter. That sounds splendid.”

Her friend looked at her and laughed. “Oh, come on, Mare. I know you’ve never liked his pranks or anything, but he’s really toned it down since last year.”

I know, Mary wanted to say, that’s the problem.

Instead, she said, “Okay, I’ll give him a chance.”

“Great!” The girl grinned as she stood up, pulling her bookbag onto her shoulder. “My free period’s over now, so I’ve got to go to Runes. Meet you in the library after?”

She nodded back and satisfied, Lily left.

After she’d watched her walk out the portrait hole, Mary groaned and slumped back into the couch.

“Whoa, what happened to you?” Marlene McKinnon asked as she came down the stairs.

“I have to spend all afternoon talking to James Potter.”

“The devil incarnate?”

“No, that’d be Black. Potter’s more like a changeling.”

“Ah.” Marlene plopped onto the couch next to her. “And why is that so bad?”

She shrugged. What was she supposed to say that wouldn’t give away her position? “He’s just annoying, is all.”

Her friend shrugged, kicking her feet up onto the table. “Fair enough, I suppose.”

A hand swatted at Marlene’s feet, and she retracted them with a scowl as Dorcas appeared, walking through the now clear path to sit on Mary’s other side.

Marlene resumed the position once Dorcas had settled and asked, “What are we talking about?”

“How much Mary hates Potter.”

“Oh, okay. Isn’t Lily friends with him now?”

“She is,” Mary said, frowning.

“That doesn’t mean he’s less annoying,” Marlene pointed out. “That just means Lily’s threshold for annoyances has increased.”

Dorcas shrugged, then turned to Mary. “Anyway, I thought you were friends with Black now. You sat with him in History of Magic on the first day back.”

“It was one class,” she shrugged, “and only because Potter took my seat.”

She wondered if she should mention that Sirius had been wingmanning for James, then decided against it. She didn’t really want to risk the chance that her friends supported the relationship.

After a little more lively discussion of Potter’s shortcomings, the conversation shifted around and around until it was time for Mary to go to the library. She bid her friends goodbye and braced herself as she walked through the halls. Just a study session, it’s just a study session. There was nothing to be anxious about.

When she arrived at the library, James was the first one she encountered, much to her dismay. He was coming from the other end of the hall, and they met in the middle right in front of the doorway.

“Oh hi, Mary. You’re joining us to study?”

Mary gripped onto the strap of her bag and straightened up. She tried to put on a face that said ‘confident-and-friendly-but-still-better-than-you’ and said, “Yeah.”

He shot her a grin. Damn it. He had that face down pat. “Shall we?”

She smiled fakely. “Sure.”

The two of them entered the library together. She made sure not to fall behind as they walked through the shelves, wanting him to know that yes, she knew very well where Lily always sat at the library.

Lily and Remus were poring over an Ancient Runes textbook when they arrived, but both looked up as Mary and James arrived in front of them. Almost in unison, their brows shot up, and their eyes flitted between the pair.

“Hi Mary, hi James,” Remus said slowly.

“Hi Remus,” Mary replied, beelining straight for the seat across from Lily.

Remus shot James a questioning look, but James didn’t seem bothered, sending him a charming smile in response. “Moony.”

Mary wondered for a moment if Remus’ surprise was because she was with James or because she was in the library for once. She hoped it was the former. Better a reputation as James Potter’s frenemy than someone who didn’t study.

The table they sat at was tucked away in the back half of the library, in a nook between two rows of bookshelves, where they were hidden from the entrance, but could see students who passed on either side of the bookshelves. Lily liked this spot because on one side, there were novels from the wizarding world, and on the other, there were Transfiguration books, both of which she enjoyed reading.

Mary pulled out a roll of parchment, her quill, and her Potions textbook and placed them in front of her. Then, she stared at the items for a good five minutes before finally dipping the quill in some ink and getting started. She could hear the scratching of James’ quill next to her, and Lily and Remus’ occasional murmurs across from her and tried to ignore it all. As long as they were all doing work, there was no reason she shouldn’t either. She’d finished about five inches of the essay when she heard a tap on the desk next to her ink pot and heard someone whisper her name.

She looked to her side to see James. A quick glance around the table told her that Remus and Lily had left the area momentarily, probably to find some books.

“What?” She whispered back to the boy next to her.

He looked a little nervous. Good, Mary thought, Be nervous. Experience emotions like the rest of us, why don’t you?

“I was just wondering, do you hate me?”

Mary blinked. Then, the words processed in her brain and she almost laughed out loud. She had no idea what she’d been expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been that. How was she even supposed to reply? ‘Yes, I do’?

But she didn’t even know if she hated James Potter. For as long as she’d spent, well, hating on him, she’d never given much thought to how she felt about him, James Potter, the boy. She didn’t like James Potter the bully. She certainly didn’t like James Potter, the future boyfriend of Lily Evans. But she supposed when you took all that away, all that was left was just pure, quintessential James. And she didn’t like the feeling that she didn’t hate him at all.

He was funny, she acknowledged, and smart, as well as kind, and really, there wasn’t anything to not like about him. He was like her in a way – a richer, braver, better version of her.

She resented that, but she didn’t hate him.

So she told him so in earnest. “No, I don’t.”

She didn’t try to put anything into her words, fake confusion or disbelief. But she did ask him why he thought that way.

James seemed relieved, and the corner of his mouth tugged up in a half smile as he replied, “I guess I just always thought you were a little tense whenever I’m around. Like you can’t wait for me to leave.”

Not entirely wrong, but she couldn’t very well tell him that now.

“Well, uh, I used to be that way, when you were always pulling stupid pranks. And it’s hard to believe that you’ve changed, even though everyone keeps telling me that.”

James didn’t appear too surprised by her confession, but he leaned forward with a serious look glinting in his eyes. It was a little unsettling to look at, like that glint shouldn’t have been there. “I’m done with the pranks, MacDonald. I swear. They were stupid, and I’m starting to take things more seriously now.”

His eyes flicked beyond the bookshelves as if searching for something, and something in Mary’s stomach sunk.

“Okay,” she choked out, “That’s good.”

He looked back at her and smiled, holding out a hand. “Do you think we could be friends?”

The metaphorical mass in her stomach sunk so far below, she was sure it was gone. Mary gripped his hand.

“Sure,” she said, “Friends.”

James grinned at her and all she felt was dread.