do you love her?
Lily hadn't expected to return to Hogwarts for her sixth year and find James Potter, of all people, to have changed. He was nicer, less arrogant, and stopped hexing people for the fun of it. And Lily had never noticed how attractive he was. Of course, she would never admit to that out loud.
James also didn't chase after her or try to ask her out, even after multiple rejections. Sometimes, he was still a bit flirty, but she found she didn't mind it so much.
In only three weeks the two of them were more friendly than they'd ever been in the past five years of knowing each other. Lily did notice something a bit off about James. He seemed distant a lot. Perhaps he was dealing with something. Lily wanted to offer some help if she could, but she didn't think they were close enough that she could ask about his personal business. She didn't want to be intruding.
She often caught him sneaking glances at the Slytherin table, and she tried to follow his eyes, wanting to see what was capturing his attention. Or who.
Did he like someone?
Lily didn't know why that thought made her uncomfortable. Why would she care if James liked someone? It wasn't like she wanted to date him. And even if she did, he had stopped asking her out. She had always had a suspicion that James’s flirtation was some kind of cruel joke, and his stopping was just more of a confirmation.
James wasn't the only boy to find asking out the chubby girl to be some hilarious joke. Lily wondered if maybe James was being nicer to her now because he felt bad.
Lily didn't mean for it to happen, but her feelings for James became more fluttery and dangerously crush-like as the days went on. But it was an absurd thought. James Potter, popular, rich, gorgeous, beloved, Quidditch star, actually being into someone like Lily.
Lily couldn't make up her mind about James. She genuinely enjoyed being around him, but she didn't know if she wanted to be anything more than friends. She had a crush. That was fine. A crush would go away.
Lily thought it was fine, but the butterflies making themselves at home in her belly would disagree. As would the jealousy that burned through her chest when James stared past her at the Slytherin table.
Who was he looking at?
Lily only found out after attending a party with James and his friends. She witnessed James talking to Regulus Black and then a boy she assumed was Regulus’s friend yelling at James. He had said James gave nothing to Regulus. And she had met Regulus hiding under the table.
The pieces clicked together in her head. James’s longing glances. They were for Regulus. James and Regulus had dated. More specifically, they'd broken up.
Lily had begun to follow James's glances, eyeing Regulus the same way whenever she saw him. She had taken an odd interest in him. She didn't know him, but she could tell he was reserved, quiet, cold even. And he was gorgeous. Like, really gorgeous. Lily was sure he was nice too, but wow, was he good-looking.
She wondered why Regulus and James had broken up. Not that it was any of her business. Still, she couldn't help but wonder. Had they been together long? How recent was their break up? Did James still have feelings for Regulus?
Lily was starting to think about Regulus as much as she thought about James. And why? Was she jealous? There was really no reason to be. Regulus and James weren't dating, and Lily had no plans to date James.
Yet Regulus wouldn't leave Lily’s mind. She took in every aspect of him that presented itself to her. His white skin, like the fresh, powdery dough of bread, looked soft to the touch. His searing eyes, the color of a stormy sky. He was angelic. He had the kind of face that, despite its cold demeanor, made you melt inside.
Lily was utterly unwell thinking about Regulus. She constantly watched him like some sort of stalker, her fascination never relenting. She had disliked how he held James’s attention, but now he had hers too.
Lily didn't hate Regulus. She wasn't mad at him. She was just a bit jealous, which she realized was silly. But she couldn't help it. She understood now why James couldn't keep his eyes off him. She was becoming entirely obsessed with Regulus Black.
Every time she noticed how cute James was, Regulus came to mind. Regulus is cute too. Every laugh, every moment she shared with James, her mind shared with Regulus.
She really had a problem. She thought about talking to someone about it, but how do you even start a conversation like that? Hey, I'm kind of obsessed with my not-crush’s ex-boyfriend, and I don't know what to do. No, thank you.
Lily’s obsession had become irritating. She didn't want to spend her time thinking about Regulus. She didn't want to think about James. She found herself sitting in class dividing her stares between the two of them. This is so annoying. Could they both just stop being so infuriatingly hot?
Wait, what?
Why was she mad at Regulus for being hot? Why was she staring at him? Was this infatuation she had with him becoming something else? No, no way. She was just being jealous and childish and frankly a bit creepy. She certainly did not have a crush on Regulus Black. That was ridiculous.
Wasn't it?
This was weird. Lily was being weird. Why was she so weird? Why did she suddenly have a crush on Regulus? She didn't. No, of course, she didn't. She was making herself mad from always obsessing over him. She barely knew him.
Lily wondered about how things might've been had she and James become friends sooner. Would they be together? Would Regulus have never come into the picture? What if she had known Regulus? What if they had become friends? What they became- Lily pushed that thought away. Why was she so in love with this boy?
𝘉𝘰𝘺𝘴.
She liked two boys. But maybe she didn't really like either of them. Maybe she was just working herself up about nothing. It wasn't like either James or Regulus liked her anyway. James maybe, but she was pretty sure his flirting with her was more of a jokey tradition than an actual liking.
~~~
Lily strolled through the corridors, heading toward the Great Hall for dinner. She had been finishing up some studying, so her friends had gone ahead of her. She rounded the corner and saw someone sitting on the floor, curled up against the wall.
It was Regulus.
Lily hadn't spoken to Regulus since a week ago at the party. She saw him lift his head slightly to peer at her. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy like he'd been crying. Before Lily knew what she was doing, she was kneeling beside him on the floor.
“What's wrong, Regulus?”
Regulus wasn't an easy person to read. He was an expert at hiding his emotions. If it weren't for his red, watery eyes, Lily never would've been able to tell he was sad.
“Nothing,” Regulus replied coldly. He stood up quickly and brushed himself off. He tried to walk away, but Lily caught him by the arm.
Why did she do that?
He jerked away in surprise.
“I'm sorry,” she apologized. “I just, um, are you alright?”
“Yes, I'm fine.”
“Are you upset about James?” Why was she still talking? She was prying and being impolite.
“I-” Regulus seemed to be caught off guard by that question. He winced when he realized. She'd seen Barty yelling at James. If she'd figured it out from that, who else knew?
“No, I'm not. I don't care about James.”
“James cares about you.” What? Why had she said that? What was actually wrong with her?
Regulus snorted, slapping his hand across his mouth instantly afterward. Lily thought it would've been cute if he weren't upset.
“I'm so sure,” he said.
“Have you talked to him?”
“Have you?”
No, she hasn't. She actually had no idea what their situation was like, and she had no business talking to Regulus right now.
“No,” she answered. “But I'm sure if you did…” she trailed off. What did she think would happen? How would she even know?
“What? He would take me back. I'm not about to beg Potter to date me again.”
Lily didn't know why Regulus looked so attractive right now. He was being snarky and rude, but his fierce blue-grey eyes were piercing, and his set jaw was perfectly sculpted.
“Why did you break up?” Lily asked. What was her problem? She just speaking without thinking at all.
A flash of emotion crossed Regulus’s face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.
“I thought you would know,” he shot back.
Why would she know? What did she have to do with anything? Did Regulus think she and James were dating? But that wouldn't have anything to do with their breakup. Unless-
“Did he break up with you because of someone else?”
Lily feared what the answer would be. If James had told Regulus that there was someone else, then it was probably Lily, right? Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe she was being vain assuming it was her. There was probably some other prettier girl James had his eye on. Right?
Regulus gave her a weird look before quickly pulling his mask back on. He didn't answer her question.
“James and I aren't together,” she said, just in case that's what he'd been thinking. She was doing her best to guess what was going on.
“Oh,” he said softly.
Was he disappointed? It was impossible to tell. He brushed past her, ignoring when she called his name. She had messed up, hadn't she? She debated talking to James about it, but she thought that might make things weirder. She headed toward the Hall, but she couldn't take her mind off her interaction with Regulus all through dinner.