Chapter 1
Sirius sat in his nursery with his nanny, who was doing everything she could to keep the young boy entertained.
“See him!” he cried. “See baby!” He tugged her skirt, impatiently waiting for his demands to be met.
“The baby’s not here yet,” the nanny shushed him.
“You mustn’t upset your mother,” she scolded.
At this warning, Sirius grew quieter, if only slightly. He remained just as restless. After what felt like hours of waiting, a midwife came into the nursery to speak to the nanny.
Sirius stumbled over to them, tripping over one of the storybooks he'd thrown on the floor during a previous tantrum.
“Baby?” he asked, looking up at his nanny.
Without a response, she scooped the toddler up in her arms and followed the midwife. They went into the brand-new nursery that had been set up for their newest family member.
Another woman was sitting in a chair in the corner, holding a tiny bundle in her arms. She looked up at them in greeting.
Sirius wriggled in his nanny’s arms, wanting to get a better look at his little sibling. She carried him over to the nurse, clutching him tightly so he couldn't squirm out of her grasp.
The baby’s nurse moved to reveal a tiny, sleeping face to Sirius. Sirius looked at his little brother in wonder. He was so small and soft-looking. Sirius brushed his hand against the baby’s round cheek.
“Gentle,” the nurse chided him.
“That's your little sister,” his nanny told him.
“Brother,” Sirius said, patting the small bundle.
“She's your sister, Sirius,” the nurse corrected. “She's a girl.”
“No!” Sirius screamed. “My brother!” Tears welled up in his eyes, his cheeks growing pink. “Brother!” he cried.
The maids looked at each other, neither sure how to handle this. They tried to calm the angry child.
“Alright, alright, it's a brother,” the nanny shushed him. He stopped crying, wiping at his nose. He gave a satisfied smile.
Sirius wrapped his arms around his brother, kissing his little cheek.
~~~
“Stop stealing my clothes!” Sirius shouted.
“I'm not, you psycho!”
Regulus had, in fact, been stealing Sirius’s clothes. Well, borrowing actually. He always returned them. Regulus knew it would be unlikely for Sirius to not notice, but he was hoping he wouldn't say anything. He only did it because he felt more comfortable in Sirius’s clothes than his own.
“I hate all my clothes!” he whined.
Sirius didn't look like he cared much about that. “So? Get new ones, just stop taking mine.”
“But, Siri, you have so many pairs of trousers, you can't possibly miss one pair.”
“Not the point,” Sirius shot back. “They're mine!”
“But I don't have any.” Regulus felt his face grow hot, but not from anger. Embarrassment knotted itself in his belly, making itself quite cozy in Regulus’s life. He didn't want to explain to Sirius why he wanted his clothes. He barely understood it himself. He did know one thing, but he'd rather eat a bowl of slugs than explain it to his brother.
Regulus watched Sirius angrily shoving a pile of clothes in his cupboard. The clothes he'd discovered in Regulus’s room. All he wanted was one pair of trousers, and maybe a shirt. Why did Sirius have to be so mean all the time?
“Please?” Regulus’s voice came out softer than he'd intended.
“Fine,” Sirius groaned. “Here.” He tossed him a random pair of trousers and a shirt. “But that's all you get. Forever.”
“Okay.” Regulus happily accepted the clothes. He didn't plan to stop taking Sirius’s clothes, but this would do for now.
Their mother disapproved of Regulus wearing his brother's clothes, but she only really objected to it when they had company over. She always made him wear dresses, which he utterly despised.
She made him keep his hair long and tie it up in intricate twists and ribbons. He dreaded having his hair done. This horror was made slightly better by the fact that Sirius also had long hair. Not nearly as long as Regulus but longer than most respectable boys. He didn't have to wear ribbons, though.
And no one ever called Sirius pretty. Regulus was often told what a pretty, petite little 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 he was. Regulus hated being called pretty. He hated being dainty and soft and little. He hated being thought of as a girl.
Regulus often tried to imitate Sirius. He copied the way he walked, sat, stood, anything that seemed different than what Regulus was taught to do. He was always grouped with his girl cousins, and he hated that. So he tried his hardest to be like Sirius and any other boys he came across. Even being interested in things that bored him to death, if boys did it then he wanted to.
Regulus felt this way for a long time before he actually told anyone. He hadn’t planned on telling Sirius, it just happened one night. Regulus couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Earlier that day, his mother had made him try on his new evening dress. It was hideous and terribly uncomfortable. His mother had taken it back to get it fitted, and Regulus secretly hoped it got ruined. Or lost forever. This incident ruined his mood for the rest of his day. Maybe even his life.
Regulus padded down the dark hall toward his brother's room. He pushed the door open as quietly as he could and crept toward Sirius’s bed. He climbed up onto the bed and peered into Sirius’s face.
“Sirius?” he whispered. “Are you awake?”
He clearly wasn't. Regulus knew he should probably wait until the morning, but he really wanted to tell him now. And he knew he wouldn't be able to get to sleep without doing so.
“Sirius.” Regulus shook his older brother by the shoulders.
Sirius let out a muffled groan. He muttered something incomprehensible.
“Sirius, I need to talk to you,” Regulus said, hoping Sirius could hear the urgency in his voice.
“This better be important,” Sirius groaned.
“It is, I swear,” Regulus promised.
Sirius sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “Give me, like, twenty minutes to wake up.”
Regulus felt like he'd been waiting an eternity before Sirius finally spoke again.
“Okay, what is it?”
“I have to tell you something.”
“I know. So tell me before I fall asleep.” Sirius slowly leaned backward onto his pillow, threatening to fall asleep if Regulus didn't speak fast enough. Regulus thought his brother might fall asleep sitting up if he let him.
“I'm waiting,” Sirius singsonged. He leaned back on his arms and stared at Regulus. “Well?”
“I'm a boy.” Regulus was surprised at how easily he'd said it. But the ease of saying the words didn't undo the knot twisting his insides. He was terrified of how Sirius would react, but he couldn't turn back now.
Sirius furrowed his brow at him. “That's what you woke me up to tell me?”
“Sorry, I just…I wanted you to know,” Regulus admitted. He stared down at his socks, looking anywhere but at his brother.
“I know,” Sirius said.
“What do you mean you know?” Regulus was looking directly at Sirius now.
“I always thought you made an odd girl. Mother didn't like it when I said things like that, but it's true.”
Regulus took in this interesting information. He'd been so scared to tell Sirius something that he already knew.
“So, um, yeah, I'm a boy,” Regulus said. He didn't know what else to say.
“So you don't even feel like a girl sometimes?” Sirius asked. “Like, not at all?”
Regulus winced at his brother's words. He felt that familiar ache in his chest. Sirius didn't believe Regulus was really a boy. Or not fully, whatever that meant. He didn't think Regulus could actually be a boy because he was already a girl.
“I thought you said you knew?” Regulus asked.
“I did, I just don't understand how you don't want to be a girl, even a little.”
Regulus didn't speak, afraid he wouldn't be able to get a word out without crying. He wiped at the tears forming in his eyes.
“I'm not a girl,” he said, barely above a whisper.
“I know that.” Regulus couldn't see Sirius’s eye roll in the dark, but he knew it was there. “But doesn't everyone want to be a girl sometimes?”
Regulus thought that was an awfully odd assumption. “I don't know,” he said. “But I don't.”
“Oh, okay.”
So Sirius was accepting him? Regulus felt more confused now than when he'd figured this out about himself in the first place.
“So it's okay?” Regulus asked him.
“Okay?” Sirius asked as if he couldn't understand why it wouldn't be. “Yeah. I always wanted a brother. No offense, uh, or-”
“None taken.” Regulus smiled at Sirius through the dark.
“Do you have a new name?” Sirius asked.
Regulus was surprised at this question. He wasn't even sure Sirius would believe him, much less want to know more.
“Um, I was thinking,” he stopped. He had felt proud when he chose a new name for himself, but now he felt embarrassed at having to say it out loud.
“What?” Sirius asked.
“Um, I was thinking maybe, Regulus.” Regulus stayed silent, waiting for Sirius’s response.
“Regulus,” Sirius repeated. “Regulus.”
Through the dark of the bedroom, Regulus tried to make out the expression on Sirius’s face.
“Regulus,” Sirius said again. “The brightest star in the constellation Leo. Super cool.”
Regulus had wanted to keep the family’s star tradition, and his old name had been part of the Leo constellation, so he thought it was fitting.
“So I should call you he and stuff?” Sirius asked.
“Oh, yeah. But maybe not in front of Mother.”
Regulus wasn't sure he wanted his mother to know of this. He didn't know how she would react, but he could assume it wouldn't be good.
“Yeah, okay,” Sirius agreed. “Just between us then?”
“Yeah, just between us,” he repeated. He felt better now that Sirius knew. He hoped this would make things a bit easier for him. He already felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest.
Regulus still had to pretend he was a girl in front of other people, but having Sirius know the truth made that slightly easier to deal with. Sometimes Sirius would make jokes about how odd people were for thinking Reg was a girl, or give him amused looks from across the dinner table.
Regulus had told Sirius before he left for school. So, most of the year he wasn't around, but occasionally, he wrote to Regulus. Regulus was always looking forward to Sirius’s letters. He felt great pleasure when he received a letter addressed to Regulus Black.
During the holiday break, Sirius came home, which Regulus was more thankful for than he'd admit. He didn't think he could handle stuffy parties and gowns from hell without him.
Regulus had been at such a party when the incident happened. The horrible, unthinkable, unspeakable incident. He was bleeding in his pants, and he had no idea why. He snuck away from the guests and hid himself in his bathroom. He knew it was only a matter of time before Sirius realized he was missing.
Regulus heard a soft knock on the door, and he was dreading the sound of Sirius's voice. But he didn't hear it. Instead, he heard his cousin, Narcissa.
“Are you alright?” she asked in her comforting way.
Regulus didn't respond. He wondered if Narcissa could tell him what was happening to his body. Perhaps he was dying.
“Hello?” Narcissa called again.
Regulus pulled up his bloodied pants and opened the door for her.
“Hey.” She smiled gently at him. “What's going on? Hiding from the party?” She gave him an understanding look.
“I was, I-” he stuttered. How do you tell someone that you just started bleeding for no apparent reason?
“I'm bleeding,” he said. Like that, he supposed.
“Ah, I see.” Narcissa gave him another understanding look. “Do you need help?”
“Is this normal?”
Narcissa gave him a soft smile. “Yes, darling, it's completely normal. It's called menstruating.” She went on to explain what menstruating was, why it happened, and what it entailed. It sounded disgusting.
“I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?” Regulus asked.
“All women do,” she answered. Regulus cringed at his cousin including him with women.
“Do you need a sanitary cloth?” she asked. “I can give you one.”
She retrieved said cloth from her bag and gave it to Regulus. She offered to show him how to put it on, but he turned her down. He was sure he could figure it out.
“Why did I never know about this?” Regulus asked her. If this was a common occurrence, shouldn't he have been informed before it happened?
“We're not supposed to speak about it. My mother only told Bella, and she told me and Andy after she got her first.”
So not only did he have to bear this sick form of torture, but he also had to suffer in silence. Not that he wanted to speak about it. He would gladly pretend it didn't exist.
“Does it hurt now?” Narcissa asked.
Regulus shook his head. Currently, all he felt was immense irritation.
“That's good. Bella says hers rarely hurts, so maybe yours will be like that,” she said. “Mine hurt a lot, but it usually only lasts a few days. Everyone’s is different, I think.”
“I thought we weren't supposed to talk about it?”
“You can talk about it to me,” Narcissa laughed softly.
“Oh.”
Narcissa went on. “Sometimes mine misses an entire month. Sometimes Andy got hers twice a month.”
He couldn't believe he had to deal with this every single month. He wished his ‘menstrual cycle’ would've missed him completely. He certainly hoped he didn't have to deal with it twice.
After a few months, Regulus decided women must be some kind of insanely strong creatures for putting up with this. He thought perhaps that made him strong too, but he didn't feel like it. He just wanted to cry and scream and throw up. He wondered what women had done to receive such a cruel, twisted fate.
Regulus did his best to ignore it, but he couldn't. Every month, he received this ‘mark of womanhood’ as Narcissa had called it. Every month he was reminded that he wasn't a normal boy.
He didn't tell Sirius about it. Regulus was determined to pretend it wasn't happening, and he assumed Sirius wouldn't even know what it was.
For the most part, Regulus was quite content having only Sirius know he was a boy. It was infuriating being thought of as a girl, but the fact that Sirius knew and so easily accepted him as his brother was a bit of comfort.
That is until he received a letter addressed to 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 name. His Hogwarts letter. Regulus hadn't thought about attending school. Well, he had, but he hadn't realized everyone at school would think he was a girl. He couldn't go to school like that.
Maybe if he faked sick he wouldn't have to go. For the rest of his life. He could pretend he had a crippling illness. He ultimately decided against that idea.
Sirius was very excited that his brother would be joining him at Hogwarts. He told him all about his friends and his house. He hoped Regulus would be in the same house as him so they could be close.
So, it was no surprise that Sirius couldn't believe it when Regulus said he didn't want to go to Hogwarts.
“What? Why?” Sirius stared at Regulus, looking like he was waiting for a really good explanation.
Regulus all of a sudden felt really silly. He always felt silly when he had to talk about this stuff with Sirius.
“They think I'm a girl,” Regulus said quietly.
“Can't we just tell them you’re a boy?” Sirius asked.
If only it were that easy. Unfortunately, Regulus didn't actually have a choice. He had to go to school regardless of what he wanted. Sirius assured him it would be fine.
~~~
Regulus fiddled with the skirt he was wearing, dreading the fact that his future classmates would see him like this.
“Hey, it's gonna be fine,” Sirius said. He took notice of Regulus’s discomfort. “Is your skirt bothering you?”
Regulus nodded. Without warning, Sirius pulled Regulus behind a wall. They weren't exactly hidden from view, but whatever.
“Here,” Sirius undid his trousers and hastily slipped out of them.
“What-”
“Give me your skirt,” Sirius ordered. He shoved his trousers at Regulus.
Regulus did as he was told. He pulled his skirt off and slid into Sirius’s trousers. Sirius would vehemently deny it, but they were nearly the same height. Sirius had pulled on Regulus’s skirt, adjusting it around his waist.
“How do I look?” he beamed at Regulus.
“Great, can we go?”
They ran toward the train together. Regulus stayed close by Sirius’s side as they got on. They found Sirius’s friends sitting together.
“Hey, guys,” Sirius greeted. He gestured for Regulus to come inside the compartment.
“Hey, Sirius,” one of them greeted. He had fluffy, deep brown coils bouncing on his head. He wore glasses and had warm brown eyes that stared at Regulus.
“Hi,” he greeted, sticking out his hand. His skin was a golden brown color. He was like sunshine and honey in human form. “I'm James,” he introduced himself. Regulus took his hand, shaking it.
“I’m-” Regulus hesitated. He wanted to tell James his real name, but he wasn't sure if he should say it or not.
“That's Regulus,” Sirius said for him.
“You're Sirius’s brother,” another boy said. He had light brown hair and a faint scar across his face. Regulus would've wondered more about that, but he was more focused on what the boy had called him. Sirius had told them he had a brother.
“I'm Remus,” the boy said.
“I'm Peter,” the third boy introduced himself. He had a mess of blonde hair and a small smile on his round face.
“Hello,” Regulus said.
“Why are you wearing a skirt?” Peter asked Sirius.
“Do you like it?” Sirius asked, smiling widely.
“Uh, sure.” Peter shrugged.
“I think you look great, mate,” James said.
Sirius smiled in thanks at the compliment. He twirled around, showing off the skirt.
Regulus noticed Remus staring a little too hard at his brother.
Odd.
“Hey, Reg,” Sirius said. “Why don't you go look for some first years to sit with?”
Regulus would've preferred to sit with Sirius, but he took the suggestion anyway. He didnt want to annoy Sirius if he wanted to be with his friends.
Regulus searched for an empty compartment to sit in. He pulled out his book to keep him busy for the long train ride. He had barely settled in when three other children came bustling into his compartment.
“Hi, can we sit here?” one of them asked.
The other two were already sitting down. He couldn't tell if the one who had addressed him was a boy or a girl. They had short blonde curls and looked exactly like the kid who was now sitting across from him. He noticed one of them was wearing trousers and the other a skirt, so he settled on a girl. Although, he wasn’t sure that was a very trustworthy method anymore.
Regulus realized the girl was still waiting for an answer. “Oh, yes, you may,” he said.
She gave him a crooked smile and sat down next to him. “I'm Pandora,” she introduced herself. Pandora had kind blue eyes nearly hidden by the blonde curls falling over her face.
“Regulus.” He hadn't meant to say it. He wasn't thinking. But he had said it, and he was kind of relieved about it.
“That's a cool name.”
Regulus hid his smile at the compliment. He liked that someone thought his name was cool.
“That's my brother, Evan,” she said, pointing to the identical boy. Evan and Pandora both had light curls and tan skin that made a pretty contrast. Regulus guessed they were twins. He thought their names sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place where he'd heard them.
“And that's Barty.”
Barty had dark brown hair and thick eyebrows to match. His skin was milky white and dotted with freckles. He gave Regulus a wide grin. His two front teeth were a little too large for the rest of his mouth. It reminded Regulus of a little bunny. He might find it kind of endearing if it weren't so unbecoming.
“Hey,” Barty greeted.
Barty, Evan, and Pandora started up a conversation, and Regulus pretended to read his book. They were discussing which house they hoped to be put in.
“What about you?” Evan asked. Regulus looked up at him, unsure if he was the one Evan was addressing. “Which house are you hoping for?”
Regulus wasn't sure how to answer. He knew how disappointed his mother had been when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, but he didn't want to be sorted into Slytherin and have to be away from Sirius. He realized he'd waited too long to answer, and the others were all staring at him.
“Oh, Slytherin perhaps,” he said.
“Yes!” Barty cheered. “The best house.”
“All the houses are good,” Pandora objected.
“You’ll probably be in Ravenclaw,” Evan said to his sister. “Know it all.”
“I take no offense in having gotten the brains of the two of us,” she retorted. Evan stuck his tongue out at her.
Regulus’s nerves were only slightly eased by his new acquaintances. He still felt anxious the entire train ride. His tummy twisted with dread as he stood with the other students, waiting for his name to be called. He didn't want to hear that name, and he certainly didn't want to stand up in front of the entire school and acknowledge that was his name.
When his name was called he almost couldn't believe his ears.
“Regulus Black.”
He hesitated before heading toward the sorting hat. He was too shocked from hearing his real name.
“Regulus Black.” His name was called again. He recovered himself quickly and went to be sorted. He waited nervously as the hat made it’s decision.
“Slytherin!”
There was cheering from the other Slytherin students, welcoming Regulus as one of their own. He joined his new housemates, glancing across the room to find his brother. Sirius caught his gaze and gave him a half smile. Regulus thought he looked disappointed.
Regulus watched as Barty and Evan both got sorted into Slytherin.
“We're all in the same house!” Evan cheered.
“Brilliant!” He high-fived Barty. He stuck his hand up to Regulus, waiting for a high-five from him too. Regulus softly clapped their hands together. He'd never done that before.
Pandora got sorted into Ravenclaw. Evan shot her an amused glance and a thumbs up.
The students were shown to their dorms, and Regulus was mistakenly led to the girls’ dorm rooms. He lingered in the common room until everyone had gone up to the rooms. He couldn't just go into the boys’ dorms, could he? He certainly wasn't going into the girls’ rooms. That would be weird.
He reluctantly took a step up the stairs leading to the girls’ dorms. He didn't know what else to do. He'd have to figure this out later. He took a few more steps before the stairs transformed into a slide, sending him slipping back to the floor.
Regulus was shocked at first, but it quickly turned into delight. The stairs weren't letting him up. He must've looked silly sitting on the floor, grinning at the stairs because someone started inquiring about what he was doing.
“Huh?” he stared up at the girl standing next to him.
She had puffy hair and too much paint on her face. She was giving him a contemptuous look.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Oh, I was, um.” How could he explain what he was doing without sounding like a complete fool?
“Boys aren't allowed in the girls’ dorms,” she said, putting her hands on her hips.
He scrambled to his feet, facing the girl.
“I know that,” he retorted. “I just,” he cut himself off when he realized he now had nowhere to go. “I don't have a room.”
“So you decided to see if there was room for you with us?” she laughed at him.
Regulus felt his face grow hot. “I wasn't.”
“What were you doing then, hmm?”
“Nothing. It doesn't matter.” Regulus wondered if there was a room for him in the boys’ dorms. He hoped he didn't end up sleeping in the broom closet or something. Was that where they put freaks at Hogwarts?
The girl was still giving him a weird look. She definitely thought he was a massive weirdo. He hoped she wasn't a gossip. He didn't want it spread around the school what an oddball Regulus Black was.
“Okay.” This girl definitely thought he was mad.
“I'm not a weirdo,” he told her.
“Alright,” she laughed. “What are you going to do about your room problem?”
Regulus shrugged. He didn't know what he was going to do. He supposed he could speak with the head of their house. He hoped he wouldn't get banished or anything.
“Why don't we figure it out after dinner, yeah?” She offered her arm to him. He took it reluctantly.
“I'm Dorcas,” she said. Regulus wondered why she was still speaking to him. She didn't find him to be an absolute prat?
“You don't find me odd?” he asked.
Dorcas laughed at him again. “I think you're very odd, but that makes you interesting.”
Regulus wasn't sure how he felt about being interesting. But he let Dorcas pull him along to the Great Hall.
“I'm Regulus, by the way,” he told her.
“Regulus,” she repeated. “Like the star. I like that.”
As soon as Regulus had finished his dinner, he went over to the Gryffindor table. He tapped his brother’s shoulder to get his attention.
“Hey, Reggie, what's up?”
Regulus’s cheeks pinked at the sound of his nickname. He hoped that wasn't how Sirius referred to him when he talked about him.
“I need to talk to you,” Regulus said, nodding his head toward the door. Sirius followed him out of the Great Hall. Regulus explained his dorm situation to him.
“You don't have a room?” Sirius asked.
“Uh, yeah.” Regulus restrained himself from rolling his eyes. Was this fool even listening to him?
“Did you ask?”
“Well, no.” Regulus hadn't imagined they'd actually have a room for him. It's not like anyone could've known. Although, they had gotten his name right.
Sirius grabbed Regulus’s arm, dragging him back inside the Great Hall. He marched him toward the head table, approaching one of the professors.
Professor McGonagall.
“Excuse me, Professor.”
She looked at the two boys with a stern expression. She stood up from the table and motioned for them to follow her. They stepped further away from the other professors, who were still finishing their meals.
“What is it, Mr. Black?” She peered over her spectacles at them.
“Regulus doesn't seem to have a room,” Sirius told her. “You see, my brother, he's a boy, so he can't go in the girls’ rooms. That'd be absurd.”
“I assure you, Mr. Black, your brother does indeed have a room,” she said. “His being a boy was taken into account. I didn’t ignore that letter you sent me.”
Regulus looked at his brother as if searching for some kind of confirmation of what he just heard. Sirius had written a letter. About him? Was that how they knew his name? It had to be. He missed the rest of what Professor McGonagall had said.
When dinner was done, Regulus headed to the Slytherin dorms with the rest of his housemates. The head boy, who'd been informed of Regulus’s situation, guided him to his room. Regulus was surprised to see Barty and Evan in the room with him.
“Hey, mate,” Barty hollered. He jumped off his bed to throw his arm around Regulus. “I was wondering when you'd show up.”
“Hey, you didn't tell me you were a Black,” Evan said. Regulus couldn't tell if Evan meant that in a good way or a bad way. When he didn't answer, Evan continued.
“My family is related to the Blacks.”
That made sense. Regulus had many distant relatives he’d never met or even heard of. That explained why he'd recognized Evan’s name.
“So, we're cousins?”
“Guess so.” Evan looked very excited at the idea of being cousins.
“I'm also related to the Blacks,” Barty added. Evan and Regulus stared at him.
“You mean, we're all cousins?” Evan said.
Barty and Regulus nodded. Regulus thought his mother would approve of his new acquaintances.
“So cool.”