Help.
July 17th 1976
Regulus doesn’t remember much of the following few days. It’s all blurs and flashes. This is what he knows;
He knows Monty (who turns out to be James’s father Fleamont. That’s where James got his ridiculous name from) put wards, against wards, against wards of magic upon the manor.
He knows Effie (Euphemia Potter, James’s mother) had to force feed him the past four days.
He knows James has tried to get him to laugh, or even just talk on multiple occasions making James Potter only look like an idiot the more he tries.
He knows Sirius hugged him for the first time in 2 years..
He knows he hugged his big brother back as he cried..
He knows his brother has been sleeping in his new room at the Potters every night in a chair watching in case Regulus had a nightmare. He did, everynight. And every night his brother was there to hold him in his arms and just let him cry. Whispering words that Regulus wouldn’t remember in the morning.
In fact he doesn’t remember much of anything. He doesn’t even remember how he got downstairs at the breakfast table. He doesn’t know how he got out of bed and dressed. He only knows it’s the 5th day. The 5th day after his day in hell.
He doesn’t talk, just listens to the conversation in the room. Everyone gave up on him talking by the 3rd day, he’s heard Monty and Effie tell the boys to just give Regulus time. That it’ll all be ok soon, that he’s just shaken and in shock. They’ve all given him space, all except one.
“So are you excited for your 6th year?” James asks with that big bright smile that could blind the sun as he cuts up Regulus’s pancakes for him.
For some unknown reason the younger Potter boy has taken it upon himself to cut up Regulus’s food and feed it to him. Regulus doesn’t care. He doesn’t have the strength to care, he doesn’t have the strength to even lift up his fork.. Or talk. So he just stares at the boy with the ridiculous glasses and James Potter laughs.
“It won’t be so bad. Unlike our year. We have to take our Newt. Although I guess you did just get done taking your Owls last year huh?” James talks to himself and Regulus just stares. He’s convinced that James Potter could have a conversation with a wall.
Sirius groans, his mouth full of his pancake, syrup leaking out the sides of his mouth and Regulus wants to jump out of his skin at the sight. Attractive. Regulus thinks to himself, and wonders what on earth the Lupin boy sees in his brother.
“Don’t remind me of Newts this year Prongs. Merlin knows Remus is going to make us study for it. He’ll be worse than he was with our Owls.”
“Could he get any worse than he was in 5th year?” Potter asks with a hint of amusement in his eyes but his voice is nothing if not concerned. He doesn’t even know why he asked the question, he knows the answer already.
“I believe Remus is only trying to help you boys study for one of the biggest exams of your lives. What’s so bad about that?” Effie smiles, her eyebrows raising with the question as she looks between her two sons also amused. That’s where James gets that look from.
“No mum you don’t understand! In 5th year he was so bad. We had to pry him and Lily away from the textbook. They didn’t eat and sleep for days unless we forced them. And at some point they would even get out of bed when we were all asleep and go back to st-“ Regulus stopped listening to his brother rant about Lupin and Evans unhealthy study habits. Honestly he didn’t see anything wrong with it, he had been the same his 5th year. Evan and Barty were the ones to make sure he ate.
No, the unhealthy study habits or his older brother's rant wasn’t what made him block out the conversation, he’s gotten used to Sirius’s rants. What he wasn’t used to however was what Sirius had called Euphemia Potter.
Mum
Mum
Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum.
It repeats over and over in his head and he can’t get it to stop, one word over and over and a part of Regulus feels like he’s going insane with it.
Mum
For some reason that one word was like a stab to the gut for Regulus. He’s never had a mum. A woman that cared for him unless you count Pandora and Dorcas. He never had an Effie Potter in his life. No, he had a mother, he had Walburga Black and Sirius had Euphemia Potter and in what world is that fair!
He gets mad suddenly, but not at Sirius, at the world.
At the fucked up universe, that decided to fuck him over.
If he would’ve been born first maybe, just maybe he would’ve met James, maybe he would’ve met Sirius’s friend group first. Maybe if he wasn’t so scared of his parents he would be smiling and joking like Sirius was with Effie. Maybe he would’ve been the one Monty was laughing at and ruffling his hair, not Sirius. Maybe Regulus would’ve gotten out sooner. Maybe if he had this he wouldn’t feel dead inside right now. He was the spare. The youngest, the second born, he should be the one breaking the rules and not trying to live up to his parents expectations cause that was supposed to be Sirius’s job.
And just as fast as the anger came.. It went away, because Regulus doesn’t have the strength to be angry.
Truth be told he’s happy for his brother, as he looks around the table, he’s happy that Sirius got the family he deserved. That they’ve always dreamed about as children. And Regulus..
Regulus got the family he deserved.
___________________
July 18th, 1976
Regulus groans a little as the curtains are forced open in the room. He hadn’t slept last night, three dreams back to back. He remembers the sound of him yelling, the scream exiting his lungs as his own mother dances around him laughing, her wand shining colors of red, orange, and purple. He could feel the pain as if he was there. So whoever is waking up Regulus after a long night needs to leave him the fuck alone.
“I heard you‘ve got the best potions scores in all of Hogwarts, beating out Lily and Remus, even that Severus boy who Sirius and James complain about.”
Regulus looks up and blinks as the light pours into the room, he did not expect Fleamont Potter to be the one waking him up. Regulus sits up completely and looks at Monty, signaling to the older man to get to the point.
Monty only laughs and yep.. Regulus see’s where James gets his laugh from too, the one that sounds like it could cure world hunger.
“I was hoping you could help me in my office. It’s a complicated potion that takes two and most of the time I would make James or Sirius, or even Euphemia help me but Merlin knows they know basically nothing about the fine art of potions making. My dear wife has made my lab blow up at least a hundred times in our forty years of marriage, bless her heart.”
Confused Regulus gets out of bed in only his pajamas and nods. He doesn’t know why he’s agreed, maybe because he needs a distraction, maybe because he misses standing over a cauldron and feeling the heat of the potion on his forehead, the smell of it brewing. He’s always had a love for potions since he was young.
Monty smiles that award winning Potter smile. “I’ll see you down stairs then in my office say.. In 20 minutes?” Regulus just nods again, that seems like enough time to get ready.
“Great!” And Monty pats him on the back, like he’s seen the older man do to James and Sirius and something inside Regulus lights up at the small touch. At a fatherly touch, Fleamont walks out of the room silently proud of himself that he got Regulus to agree to at least do something rather than just sit and stare at the wall for hours. Maybe this is a push in the right direction that the kid needs.
Exactly 20 minutes to the second Monty hears a knock at his office door and he tells Regulus to come on inside. Regulus walks in and smiles a tiny hint of a smile but doesn’t say anything. He has been ready for the past 15 minutes but didn’t come down until 4 minutes later, giving him exactly a minute to walk from his room upstairs down to Monty’s office and knock, which he knew would take 53 seconds so he sat outside the door for an extra 7 seconds before knocking. He didn’t want to come early and he didn’t want to come late. Blacks were always right on time.
Monty looks up for the potion he’s brewing and smiles as Regulus walks over. “Regulus, would you please pass me the dragon tail feather on the left shelf please?” He asks and Regulus does as he says and walks over handing Monty the class cup containing a few dragon tail feathers.
Fleamont looks up at the quiet boy as he picks at his fingers looking around the room shifting from one foot to the other unsure what to do with himself. “Sit.” The older man says softly as he pulls out a chair next to him and that’s exactly what Regulus does as he looks at the liquid in the bubbling caldron.
“Night terrors are horrible.” The man starts out shaking his head and Regulus looks at him for the first time since entering the room. “Don’t feel embarrassed. Your brother had them too and I tried everything in my power to help him but nothing I did ever worked, after a while the nightmares stopped. I didn’t hear him screaming anymore and so I stopped trying. I was getting nowhere.” Fleamont looks at Regulus and the boy turns his head quickly, not wanting to make eye contact, not wanting to look vulnerable.
Blacks are not weak, we do not show our weakness because we simply do not have weaknesses. His mothers voice says in the back of his head.
Sighing Monty continues, “But the past few nights has gotten me thinking. Maybe it’s not only Sirius in this world that could use a good night of sleep. How many other traumatized wizards are waking up at the dead of night screaming their heads off at the ghost of their past? I think everyone deserves a good night's rest.”
If only. Regulus thought bitterly as Fleamont took his spoon and dipped it into the mixer, bringing it close to his face. “Still a work in progress but I would like to call it ‘draught of the living dead’”
Regulus, unable to help himself, found his voice for the first time in days. “What is it supposed to do?” His voice is small and soft, scratchy and rough on the edges. He doesn’t sound like himself. Fleamont doesn’t acknowledge it, not what his voice sounded like, not even the fact that this is the first words Regulus has spoken. The young boy was so interested in the mixer, he couldn’t help himself.
“A night of deep dreamless sleep hopefully. It’s still in the early stages, but do you know how many wizards we could help with this?”
Regulus nods again, how many of him in the world Monty could help.. But Regulus doesn’t say anything else as he looks at the potion in wonder and excitement. It could help him.. Fleamont wants to help him and for the first time in his life, he doesn’t feel weak accepting help from another. If it means nights where he can sleep, where his past doesn’t haunt him, he’ll take anyone who’s willing and able to help him with that.
They don’t say much more to each other, actually Regulus doesn’t say anything else at all as he watches Fleamont make his potion, occasionally telling Regulus what exactly he’s putting in it and how each ingredient comes together. Regulus watches with wide eyes like a child, watches in marvel as Fleamont makes the potion effortlessly, a true potions marker at work..
It only lasted 40 minutes because something went wrong and the cauldron exploded with a big boom right in Monty’s face, breaking his glasses in the process.
“What in Merlin’s name are you doing in there Fleamont Potter!” A squeaky voice yells from somewhere in the downstairs part of the manor.
“N-Nothing dearest!” Monty yells back, stuttering from the mixture of smoke and nervousness as he yells back to his wife trying to not look guilty before looking back at Regulus.
“Back to the drawing board kiddo.”
______________________
They were in the lab for hours, at some point Effie even came in with 2 turkey sandwiches and swore up and down she wouldn’t leave until she saw them each eat one. Regulus was in awe the whole time watching Fleamont at work, watching the older man take so much pride and joy over his concoction really was something marvelous to witness.
James and Sirius came back home from Lupin's house at around 7 as Effie was making dinner. Sirius’s face looked like it would hurt if he kept smiling like that. They dumped their belongings on the couch before skipping into the kitchen to find their mum cooking. James sits on the counter grabbing an apple from the fruit basket and Sirius walks up behind Effie looking over her shoulder to see what’s for dinner.
“Andhra Chilli Chicken. Really mum?” James asks unimpressed but looking like he’s trying not to laugh, he can smell it from where he’s sitting, familiar with the Indian dishes of his mum's home country, unlike Sirius just yet. “You want Regulus and Sirius to burn their taste buds.”
“Oh please, a little flavor never killed anyone.” The mother of the house replies by lifting up her spoon to get a quick taste. “See, it's not even that spicy.” James just shakes his head as Sirius looks around the room.
“Where’s dad and Reg?” He asks, having half a mind to go up to Regulus’s room and pull him down the stairs. It’s not healthy to be in his room all the time.
“Monty took the poor boy into the lab. I’ve heard 4 explosions already and it’s only been like 8 hours.”
James breaks his neck to look at his mum in shock. “Dad, has Regulus helped him with a potion? Willingly?” James’s tries to wrap his head around the situation, and a pit at the bottom of his stomach turns. How is that fair? James has worked for almost a full week for the younger boy to talk to him, to play quidditch, or anything and here struts in his father and he gets the boy to agree to sit in a room with him for hours. That’s- that- Why is James mad about that?..
Truth be told he knows he should be happy that Reg is out of his room and doing something, possibly even talking even if it only is to one person but he can’t help it but to feel a little hurt and annoyed. He has been trying for days.
“Go get those boys out of the lab please Sirius. Dinners ready and they need to eat.”
“Of course Mum, just send me into the lion's den why don’t you.” Sirius rolls his eyes but walks away and knocks on the door, not waiting for a reply before walking on in. “Mum said you two need to come for dinner.”
The two potion makers look up at him, Monty smiles and nods. “We will be there soon.” Regulus just blinks at his brother, his face emotionless and Sirius just stares back at his younger brother. They’re only brotherly at night. In the darkness of the room when Regulus is vulnerable and Sirius can’t stand to see his brother like that. His brother. His baby brother, Regulus Arcturus Black will always be my baby brother, mine to protect and cherish.
“Come eat.” Is all the oldest Black brother says, his eyes on his brothers before he walks out the door.
_____________________
Dinner came and went, Sirius has gotten used to the spices and kick that the Potter woman put in her dishes but his brother has not seen as he drank two full glasses of water before finishing even half of his plate was anything to go by. It is now 1:26am, Effie makes all the boys go upstairs and get ready for bed by 11pm, saying staying up late isn’t good for your growing brains. Every night Sirius waits until 1:30am to sneak into his brother's room, when he knows Regulus would be asleep and just like the past five nights there he is. Asleep in his bed but not moving or thrashing around as Sirius takes his spot on the chair in the corner, keeping a close eye on his brother.
No matter what happens, who said what, who felt what. If the world was ending tomorrow and Regulus was still in that house Sirius would fight tooth and nail just to be with Regulus before they both took their dying breath. People like to say the love of his life is Remus John Lupin, and don’t get Sirius wrong, he loves that boy with every cell in his body but, his love for his brother outshines all. His baby brother who he helped raise, who he pushed to be the perfect son so he wouldn’t get in trouble, who Sirius cried for every night his first year at Hogwarts cause Sirius was at school and safe and his baby brother was left in that house alone and defenseless.
“Remember no matter what it’s always yes ma’am and no sir. Unless they have company then you must call them mother and father.”
“I know Sirius.” A ten year old Regulus rolls his big bright eyes at his older brother's worry as he helps Sirius pack his trunk for school in the morning.
“I’m serious Regulus.” Sirius has never been more serious in his life. He needs Regulus to listen to him. “Store food in your room under the floorboard, they could lock you in. If they lock you in the closet I have food stored away with a spell so it doesn’t expire. If our father comes home and the first thing he does is slam the door, you go to your room and keep your head down.”
“Sirius,“ whispers Regulus, looking at his brother with tears in his eyes as the realization of what’s happening hits him at full force. “I-I don’t want you to go..” He confesses his voice breaking. “Can’t you wait for me to come next year?..”
Sirius Black’s heart shatters for his brother as he pulls Reggie into a hug, “I wish on everything I could, but I’ll write, everyday Regulus I promise I will write to you.”
And Sirius did write, everyday he wrote over 100 letters to his baby brother but Regulus never wrote back, and the very next year when Regulus comes to school, he walks past his brother on the train, not even glancing over to look at him. And Sirius’s heart shattered again.
Shaking himself out of the thought Sirius gets up out of the chair and walks to the sliding doors in Regulus’s room going out on the balcony before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter lighting the cigarette quickly taking a puff. Suddenly when he exhales his shoulders relax as he looks up at the sky. The stars are bright out shining down on him.
“There’s your star! The brightest in the sky.” A small voice whispers as they lay out on the roof of the prison they call a home.
Sirius doesn’t say anything to his seven year old brother as he watches the stars. If he looks hard enough it’s almost like he can see them dancing up there around each other and he smiles at the thought before grabbing his brother's hand.
“Happy birthday Reggie.” He whispers, knowing that he promised Reg he wouldn’t bring it up but he couldn’t help it. It was an important day, the day he met his best friend for life.
Regulus stiffens and looks away from Sirius. “They didn’t remember..”
“So what? I did.”
“Siri.. Why don’t they love us?..” The sound of Regulus’s voice brings tears to Sirius’s eyes.
“I don’t know bub, but forget about them. I love you, I love you and I’m happy it’s your birthday. It’s a big day.”
Regulus doesn’t say anything and just looks up at the stars for a good few seconds taking in the sight, and Sirius can hear him mumbling to himself..
“Happy birthday to me.. Happy birthday to me.. Happy birthday dear Reggie.. Happy birthday to me..”
And that.. That was the first time Sirius promised himself that he would make sure his brother was always ok. Little innocent Regulus was too pure for this world, too kind. He didn’t deserve any of this. At the age of eight Sirius promised himself that he would always protect his brother, his baby brother.
His brother, his responsibility.
Today Sirius looks up at the stars, tears in his eyes as he smokes away his problems, burning his lungs away in the process. That’s Sirius’s punishment he made specially for himself and himself only, smoking, killing himself little by little, taking apart his lungs, the very air he breathes until he has none left. Making his lungs as black as the rest of him because sometimes we need to kill ourselves a little bit to stay alive.
The only question is what part of himself is he trying to kill tonight?
Maybe the selfish part of him that thought it would be a good idea to run away, leaving his baby brother behind in that house alone and unprotected.
“Tell me..” He whispers to the dark sky. “Tell me what to do. How do I help him?..” Sirius looks back down causing his tears to hit the floor as he takes another puff. “Help me, help him.. Please.” He whispers to no one in particular, praying upon the stars before finishing his cigarette and throwing it off the balcony and going back inside when he hears his brother’s screams.