Chanson d'Hiver

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Regulus’s head was spinning.

He couldn’t believe he had kissed James—James.

As soon as they’d come out of his room, planning to go sit by the fire and talk, they’d run into Sirius and Remus coming up the other way, looking like they’d been caught in an avalanche (or blizzard (close enough)). Seeing Sirius, his long black hair framing his face—their face, their mother’s face—and suddenly it was her voice in his head, ruining the blissful dopamine high of afterglow, “ToujoursPur!”

He led Sirius urgently down the hall, barely sparing a backward glance at the other two.

*****

“I slept with James,” Regulus said, as soon as the door was closed firmly behind them.

Sirius’s mouth, always slightly downturned at the ends, twisted together petulantly, but he said nothing.

“It was experimental,” Regulus said, waving a hand dismissively.

“How very French of you,” Sirius said, quirking a brow.

“I suppose you think you have room to talk, swanning about with someone you just met,” Regulus said, acid dripping from every word. “Jealous I’ve gotten farther than you have?”

Sirius threw up his hands.

“What the fuck, Reggie?” he spat. “It’s not a bloody competition. Just—blimey Reg, I thought you hated James.”

Regulus sighed heavily.

“Well?” Sirius pressed.

Regulus crossed his arms, looking away from Sirius.

“I suppose I didn’t know James,” he drawled, lifting his chin haughtily.

“Oh cut the crap, Reg, you’ve been pissy about James since we started spending time together.”

“I was jealous, okay?!” Regulus burst.

Sirius recoiled like he’d been slapped. “Jealous?”

“Yes, dear brother—I felt like you constantly chose him over me.”

“Ch—chose him over you?” Sirius sputtered. He swept his hair out of his face, always a sure sign he was gearing up to fight. “Now seehere, I didn’t stay behind to deal with our useless father and the old bat for James. Regulus, I can’t believe you thought that.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore,” Regulus sniffed dismissively.

Sirius glared at him from under his lashes.

Regulus’s heart was still pounding—because it wasn’t purely experimental, was it? There was something about James bloody Potter that got under Regulus’s skin in the best possible way. It was his smile, his sunshine persona—all warmth and kindness. Regulus wanted to curl up and bask in it like some domestic animal lying in the slant of sunlight on the living room floor. And of course he was attractive, and a good kisser, and good at…

“How was it?” Sirius interrupted his reverie.

“Sirius, don’t be crude.”

“I’m not,” Sirius said, puttering about. He put a kettle on to boil, turned on a Bowie record (Regulus hated that he knew that), and called to him from the other room as he changed.

“I’m not being crude, just curious,” he called. “He is my best mate, after all—”

Sirius emerged back into the room, tugging a sweatshirt over his head and sweeping his hair up into a neat knot atop his crown as the kettle whistled.

“—and I’m just wondering how, precisely, this happened. Tea?” He held up a second mug, cocking his head to the side like a dog. Regulus shook his head.

“Non,” he said. “And I don’t know, really. He was just there, I suppose.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“That didn’t come out right,” Regulus said, feeling flustered for reasons that he couldn’t quite pin down. “He talked to me. You were busy with Remus, and I was doing my own thing, but James didn’t seem content to leave me to do so.”

“Reg, you made it seem like you didn’t want to be around us,” Sirius began.

Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, hoping to indicate that he was not interested in arguing further.

“Remus is—he’s special,” Sirius said. “I feel like he could be… important.”

“Stand up to our darling Mother important?”

“I—” Sirius nodded.

“Sirius, I need to go. I need time to think.”

Without sparing his brother another glance, he left Sirius standing there, clutching two mugs of tea, and hurried to his own suite.

*****

Regulus paced back and forth in his room, still in the button up and loose trousers he’d thrown on earlier after emerging from rumpled silk sheets and the comfort of James’s arms.

This was a nightmare.

How had he let this happen? He raked his hands through his tousled curls, feeling them stick out in clumps over his ears—fortunately James wasn’t around to see him lose his carefully arranged mask of composure; surely he looked deranged right now.

Regulus stopped pacing, shaking his curls out of his face. He was a Black—raised to possess proper comportment at all times. He need not go to pieces over this. Make a list, assess the risks, handle them as they arise.

He resumed his pacing, albeit in a much calmer manner.

One: He hadn’t had many romantic trysts.

Like his brother, it seemed easier to avoid romantic relationships rather than explain the dynamics of his bonkers family to a significant other. Subjecting anyone to his mother, for example, or the arrogance of his extended family, was not worth it. (Orion may as well have been an accessory—everyone knew that Walburga ran the show.) So, due to his lack of experience, was he to conclude that he was gay?

The thought turned his stomach—it was everything from which he had been raised to recoil. It was drilled into Sirius and him from a young age: that they were to produce heirs, that anything deviating from normal was frowned upon, that they were not to do anything that would produce gossip among their parents’ social circles.

Fairly rich, Regulus thought with a sneer, considering that most of the old money families only stayed that way due to some level of inbreeding.

He massaged his temples.

Moving along then, for now.

Two: Sirius didn’t seem to take issue with the fact that he, as heir apparent, was expected to settle down with a willing mare, essentially, to produce offspring who would, ostensibly, inherit the Black family fortune and pass it along to the next generation.

This Lupin fellow, whom he’d known for all of two weeks (noteven, Regulus thought drolly) and he was willing to give up everything for him—because surely, Sirius would be disinherited.

Rather unfair, then, that it would all fall to Regulus.

Regulus, who would be expected to step in and fulfill what was initially expected of his brother.

This was never supposed to be his burden to bear.

He should have been able to walk away if he wanted to, to pursue his own dreams.

He hated Sirius for a moment, then, felt it burn within his stomach like a shot of whisky. Before indulging in that emotion any longer, he segued to his next concern.

Three: What about James Potter, anyway?

Surely people had sexual rendezvous at random without having any sort of commitment befall them as a result? Just because he and James had shagged didn’t mean that they had to pursue anything if they didn’t want to do so.

But… didhe???

Regulus ceased his pacing again, allowing himself to luxuriate in memories of the past two weeks.

James, with his glasses and megawatt smile.

James, smirking and walking backwards down the hill, hands in his pockets and hair rumpled in a way that should have driven Regulus mad but instead made him want to tug his fingers through it.  

James, insisting Regulus join him (and Remus and Sirius) in the hot tub. The look on his face as he watched Regulus’s hands—hands that Regulus was imagining tracing over every inch of James’s muscled chest (in spite of himself).

James, who had shown up to his room, tousled hair slightly waving over his forehead, so dark it was nearly as black as Regulus’s own, his hazel-brown eyes twinkling as he peered over Regulus’s shoulder and assessed his art. He hadn’t even commented about Regulus’s choice in music, or the fact that he preferred sitting in his room alone to joining any of the more crowded offerings at the resort.

James, listening to Regulus—really listening to him, in a way that no one outside of Sirius ever had. Regulus had found himself talking much more than he was used to doing, leaning forward enthusiastically as he shared the things about which he was passionate. It was unusual to have that sort of attention. As a Black, there was always a level of attention that he received. Rarely did he and his family go anywhere without attracting some sort of notice, and he was used to arranging his features into something neutral—a mask of his feelings. Sirius was always the one who had trouble maintaining his poker face, unable or unwilling to play the game. James, though, brought Regulus’s walls down, so quickly that Regulus barely processed that it was happening.

Maybe Sirius wasn’t completely mental after all.

Regulus surprised himself by realizing that he was standing there, fist pressed to his mouth to stop the smile that was blooming there and rivaling the blush across his cheeks.

So, would it be worth incurring the homophobic wrath of his elitist mother?

Regulus supposed that that was up to James.

*****

Regulus was reading Wuthering Heights the next day over a mug of cocoa (procured from his now-favorite cheeky vendor) when a knock came at the door. Regulus marked his place and rolled his eyes, annoyed at being interrupted in the midst of one of his favorite parts of the book.

Sirius came bounding in as soon as Regulus opened the door, stepping on his socked foot in the process.

“Buggering fuck!” Regulus exclaimed, narrowing his eyes and yanking back his injured foot.

“Sorry little brother—get dressed! We’re riding snowmobiles today!”

“What?” Regulus whined slightly.

Remus and James stood in the doorway.

“We tried to rein him in,” Remus said apologetically, meeting Regulus’s eye.

Regulus bit his lip to stop from smiling—Remus was going to have his hands full with Sirius, to be sure.

“Come along Reg, we’ll meet you at the fireplace in ten,” Sirius grabbed one of Regulus’s hats and spun out of the room, turning back with a hand on the knob. “Don’t dawdle!”

Regulus rolled his eyes again, jumping slightly when he realized that James was still there—wearing that same obscenely orange puffer coat. Sincerely, the color was appalling—who chose orange?!

And yet part of Regulus was enamored by it, simply because it was worn by James. What a hopeless idiot he was becoming.

“I thought you might want to ride along with me,” James said, looking earnestly into Regulus’s eyes.

“Did you,” Regulus said flatly. He twisted his silver snake ring, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands.

“Yeah,” James said, stepping closer. He smelled like toothpaste and citrus and sage body wash. “I thought you could hold onto me… or you could drive, give me an excuse to hold onto you.”

Regulus flushed.

“Are you flirting with me Potter?” he asked.

“Maybe,” James said, the corner of his mouth lifting up into that little smirk that Regulus adored. “Is it working?”

Regulus stepped closer, grabbing the front of that hideous pumpkin-colored monstrosity in his fists and pulling himself up on his toes to reach James, kissing him eagerly in response. James groaned slightly against his mouth, sliding his hands over the thin cotton of Regulus’s sweatpants, gripping his behind and pulling him closer. Regulus could feel James’s enthusiasm through the dark jeans he wore and slid his hands over James’s broad shoulders before wrapping them in his hair.

“We have to go,” James murmured against his mouth. “I don’t trust your brother not to pop down the hallway.”

“Mmm,” Regulus moaned, stepping back and pouting slightly. “All right, go on then.”

“Later,” James promised, smiling as he backed out the open door.

*****

Snowmobiling was actually fun. It wasn’t something that had ever interested Regulus, really, but something about doing it with James and Sirius and Remus made it considerably more entertaining than he’d imagined.

The sky was the most gorgeous shade of blue—almost cerulean—and the sun glinted off the snow, causing it to sparkle. Sirius drove with a rather unhappy-looking Remus clinging onto his waist for dear life.

Regulus started driving the snowmobile and was apparently so bloody awful that James screamed in his ear. Sirius always commented on Regulus’s driving as well, but surely one can’t mess up driving a snowmobile—all he had to do was steer. When he nearly sent them careening into a large pine, he slammed on the brakes, and James tightened his grip on Regulus’s waist and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

“Maybe let me drive for a while, love, yeah?”

Regulus’s heart skipped a beat at the term of endearment. James’s breath tickled Regulus’s ear and he nodded, reluctantly moving from where he sat between James’s legs.

“It’s your fault for distracting me,” Regulus muttered to him as he slid onto the back of the snowmobile, wrapping his arms tightly around James’s waist.

“Oh really?” James smiled over his shoulder at Regulus. “Hang on—let’s see if we can leave Sirius and Remus behind.”

With a whoop, James accelerated so quickly that Regulus nearly fell off the back—he didn’t realize that the bloody thing went so fast. It didn’t take long for Sirius to rise to the occasion, giving James a run for his money as they raced each other over the snowdrifts. Regulus chanced a glance over at Remus, whose long slim frame was bent double to grip Sirius, an expression of terror upon his face. Sirius, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. Regulus felt a laugh bubbling up inside of him and it spilled over somewhat hysterically—was he really having this much fun? He tossed his head back, carefree as the wind tugged his curls and played with the ends of his scarf, sending it trailing behind him.

*****

Some time later, the four of them had returned the snowmobiles and made their way, laughing and dripping snow, back to the lodge.

“Remus!”

A female voice echoed through the cavernous foyer, and Sirius and Remus both snapped their heads up in response. A tall, curvy girl with warm brown skin and an even warmer smile sauntered over, three other girls in tow.

“Mary, hi,” Remus said, grinning. “I didn’t know you’d be here!”

“I’m here with some friends—Dorcas’s family spends time here every winter and this time we all got to come along,” Mary smiled, gesturing behind her to the other girls.

“Mary and I went to uni together,” Remus explained to the others. “This is Sirius, Regulus, and—”

“James Potter.” One of the others spoke this time, the one with the long coppery hair.

“Oh, hello Lily,” James said.

Was he blushing? All of the carefree joy of the previous moment evaporated instantly.

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other,” Mary said, gesturing between James and Lily with her middle and index fingers.

“Yeah, yeah we do,” the girl named Lily said, still staring at James with a bemused expression on her face. “I go into his shop for coffee sometimes.”

“Almost every day,” Remus teased, either unaware of the tension or hoping to diffuse it.

A muscle was ticking in Sirius’s jaw, and he was staunchly avoiding Regulus’s attempts at eye contact.

“Aha,” Mary said simply. “So, you know Lil then—and this is Dorcas, and her girlfriend Marlene,” she gestured to each in turn.

“What are you lot doing later?” Dorcas asked. “We’re planning to check out the pub karaoke—you should come.”

Regulus struggled to refrain from rolling his eyes again. Either this entire group of people were incredibly daft, or they were trying to gloss over something exceptionally awkward. Had James or Remus dated this Lily girl? Had Sirius?

As if things could not get any more uncomfortable, Barty and Evan chose that moment to meander through the lobby. At this, Regulus sighed, rolling his eyes up to the vaulted ceiling.

“Hey Reg!” Evan called, knowing precisely how to push Regulus’s buttons.

“Evan, Barty.” He nodded at each of them as they joined the group.

“We were just talking about karaoke later tonight—you should come. Keep Regulus company,” Sirius said, casting Regulus a glance that looked suspiciously like pity.

Regulus worked to compose his features as the plans were made, but he couldn’t stop the sinking feeling that permeated what had before been one of certainty and excitement. Something was definitely off, and with that conviction, he felt the walls that he had carefully constructed shutter down around his heart, all the while chiding himself for ever having thought that he could finally tear them down.