Sorting Ceremony
The knuckles of his hands were white. Pandora's hand became purple, but the girl did not complain. Good, Regulus had no attention to let her go. Their hands were the only thing that still held him. Next to them, Evan held the lantern, which illuminated the front of their boat. This faint light brought out the shadows of the water even more, and the young Black felt himself to become nauseous.
His absence had enabled Hagrid to get him on the boat, and when he had come back to reality, it was already too late. Regulus then grabbed Pandora's hand in a desperate gesture. Immediately his friend had responded to his call for help. That was the only thing Evan and Pandora knew about the treatments their parents were inflicting on him, to him and Sirius: the icy baths.
When they did not yet use spells on them, their parents had developed punishments severe enough to prevent their sons from repeating what they were accused of. Even for Sirius. Most of the time, it was their mother who was in charge of filling this task, already at that time their father was too weak to force a child to dive into a bath.
Regulus remembered that the worst in that punishment was that they never knew when it would fall. Their parents were deliberately letting things pass for several days before drowning them. Regulus was so young that, often, when that happened, he could not even remember what he could have done to upset his parents.
He remembered the terror of seeing his mother enter the bathroom. To see her upturn her sleeves. Walking towards the cold calm of the bath. Kneeling. Agripping his son's shoulders. Pushing him with a firm grap in the water. Ten seconds each time, Regulus remembered. He counted each time, the child that he was wondering if it would be his last ten seconds.
He remembered his legs, which beat the water as he struggled, and how they became red by dint of doing it. He remembered his nails scratching his mother's hands, and she shaking him more in the water to stop him. He remembered the water coming back from his nose. He remembered suffocating. He remembered. And just that was enough.
The water was getting cold, and it came out shivering, naked, vulnerable. And his mother just stared at him and said, "You know very well why it happened. Try to think about it. " And what could he say if it wasn’t a weak “yes,” murmured with the last strenghts in the world? His mother left the room and he collapsed on the ground, trembling with fear and cold.
When they allowed him to do so, Kreattur came to take care of him, dry him and serve him a hot drink. At other times he remained there for a long time, losing the notion of time, then, on his children's legs, he rose, dried his tears and attenuated his sobs, dressed up and dived under the soft and comforting blankets.
Since then, he didnt take a bath anymore.
His gaze was frozen on the movements of the water below him. Splashes caused by the impact with the hull reached his cheeks, but he hardly realized it. The boat tan was slightly, and that was what caught his attention. This fear of tipping overboard.
He shook Pandora's hand even stronger.
Evan cast a worried glance at him.
He stopped fixing the water.
His friend's thumb caressed his back from his hand.
The water of the lake must have been even colder than its baths. She was darker too. He knew it was because it was dark, but Sirius had told him that his name was the Black Lake. Names had meanings. Always. Regulus swallowed with difficulty.
- It's going to be okay Regulus, just look in front of you.
But infront of him stretched out the same darkness that suffocated him without even touching him. Pandora's hand in his was comforting. The heat that was coming out of his palm contrasted with the cold that the vision of the lake made be born in him. Regulus wanted to be able to keep it the longest forever. She was the only thing that didn't completely crack him.
Pandora had been there that day too, when she and Evan had learned. His parents and brother had gone to a reception and would not have had any use to take him there. It had not disturbed him, Regulus preferred to spend the evening, and no doubt the night too, with his friends, rather than serve as tapestry in his brother's shadow.
Everything had gone well. The beginning of the evening and the dinner had been perfect. No scland, no unnecessary tension. The Rosiers had also gone to the reception, without taking their children, so it was the house elves who had taken care of the children. Everything was fine, until the moment when it was necessary to wash. As in any noble family of Pureblood, the elves had flowed a bath.
Regulus was nine years old, it had been months since he asked Kreacher to never make him a bath again. When he did, Regulus knew what would happen. That was no longer the case. His mother had grown boast, and would soon find another way to keep him from committing any nonsense. But the habit had remained; he had not asked Kreattur to prepare baths for him. And he really thought it was only out of habit.
At the sight of the bathtub filled with flush, Regulus had felt the blood leave his face. Mechanically he had begun to undress, thinking only of his mother's anger if she discovered him still dressed when she arrived. But he had remained in front of the edge of the bathtub, fixing the water which was still undulating, clear and threatening. The vat was deep, almost too much for a child of his age. He had remained in trousers, the terror having numb his limbs.
He could have stayed for long minutes like that, staring at the water. Then we knocked on the door, and he collapsed. Not here. Not now. Not like that. He had done nothing wrong. He didn't want to take that bath. It was too deep for him. He didn't want to endure that again. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to feel her hands on him.
Regulus had crouched his hands on his ears, so that he would not have to hear the blows knocked at the door. Never. That's how Pandora found him. Shaking and frightened. When she had touched his shoulder, he almost brought her down to the ground, pushing her away. It was at that time that he had lost control of the situation. The blur in his mind prevented him from thinking correctly. Instead of Pandora, his mother took her place. He pushed his mother. And as she approached her hand of Regulus, he was retreating as far as possible from her mother's threat.
Evan had finally returned. Not seeing his sister come back he came to see if everything was all right. Regulus would never know what he had actually seen in his eyes, but that had been enough for the heir Rosier to freeze at the entrance to the bathroom. Then he took matters into his own hands. He had taken Pandora out, closed behind him and approached Regulus gently, then sat next to him.
Regulus no longer remembered why he had been the first to speak.
- I can't take a bath.
- Okay.
- Don't force me to do so.
- I wouldn't do it.
- I don't want to relive that.
- Relive what?
- What my mother does to me.
From the age of ten, Evan had passed his arm over his friend's shoulders and brought him closer to him. This was the first time that Regulus mourned in front of someone other than Sirius. And that didn't taste any different. It was no less comforting. It was no more inconvenient. It was natural, silent and respectful. He was not ashamed, not now at least. For the time being, Evan let him cry beside him, stroking his arm without adding anything.
- She downs me in my bath when I did something that I shouldn't be. I can't take it now.
- Okay.
- Sorry if I scared Pandora.
- She's fine. Knowing her she must have forgotten already.
She had not forgotten, and she cried in Regulus's arms when the two boys went out. After all, they were just children.
They had not re-tune them afterwards, but still two years later they remembered it. And they were there to stop him from cracking again. Regulus get a little bit closer of Pandora and she hung her hand even stronger.
- Regulus, look.
Pandora pointed out in front of them and Regulus looked up for the first time from the crossing. What he saw took his breath away. In front of them stood a huge castle illuminated by all the lights that shone inside. The greatness of the structure took him out of the way. He expected something imposing, Sirius had told him, but he did not think it would be so impressive.
He had the impression that the castle had no end, at every meter they were travelling, a new piece of the castle was appearing. Above him, the stars made the lake glitched and shone. Regulus could not get away with the glimpse of the magnificent vision that was looming in front of him.
- We arrived Regulus.
He lowered his eyes and noticed that they had arrived on the bank. The future students would go one by one of their boats and placed themselves in front of Hagrid. Regulus let go of Pandora's hand and finally came out of the boat. His legs trembled under his weight, and imperceptibly, Evan passed a hand back to help him regain his balance. Without a look back, they advanced.
- Okay. Is everyone here? We're going to go back to Hogwarts soon, I'll leave you in the care of Professor McGonagall, she'll explain everything to you. Come on. Let's move forward.
The group resumed its walk. The only way to the castle was a flight of stairs on a steep slope. In the untied, the young wizards advanced, and Regulus thought of the Blacks mansion and their multitudes of stairs, which he had had fun climbing up and down all his childhood. Today, being a prisoner of this house was beneficial to him. Around him all the others blew when he remained impervious to effort.
When they finally arrived in front of the castle, Regulus was even more impressed by the greatness and the superb that emerged from the mere presence of the building. When the big doors opened, he could not help reacting in the same way as all the others: with the eyes of amazed child. Sirius was right; nothing he could have imagined could give honour to what he was discovering now.
Regulus couldn't believe he was here, in this school, away from his parents. Everything was great, everything was majestic, everything was beautiful. Everything was bright. So bright that it warmed his heart and blinded his eyes. He knew nothing that was so much.
They all advanced through a maze of corridors, and he wondered how he would get there the next day for the start of classes. But for now he didn't want to think about it. He took advantage of this simple moment of happiness. Before you have to confront the decision that would govern his life from tonight.
Too quickly to his liking they arrived at the top of a staircase, where a woman was waiting for them. She stood upright in a green sorcerer's outfit. She was capped with a tight bun that pulled her already tense and severe features. But this severity did not frighten Regulus. The witch was there neither to intimidate them nor to test them. Sirius had told him about her: McGonagall, the head of the Gryffindors' house, and therefore of his brother.
She glanced at the whole of the group and recovered a little more. His piercing eyes energized each pupil, and Regulus instinctively straightened, and he had to make a good impression. After all, she was also the Deputy Headmistress
- Welcome to Hogwarts. In a few moments you will pass the doors behind me and join your comrades. But before that, you're going to have to be sorting into the four houses of Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.
Upon hearing the name of the last house, Regulus stood. It was soon, the moment when everything would be played. Where he would not have the right to make a mistake.
- Your house will be like your family. Throughout the year, points will be awarded or removed in order to award the Four Houses Cup at the end of the year. Your ability to follow the rules, participate in the classroom or even live in community with the students of this school will be judged. Now, please wait a moment here, I'll be back.
Without even telling him, Regulus knew what his mother expected of him. They would be noted. They would be graded. And he had to win. If Slytherin lost, that would be his only fault. He would not have been good enough, intelligent enough, too turbulent to allow his prestigious house, the name he had to wear proudly, to win what was right for him.
He had to make his mother proud.
He would go to Slytherin.
He would win the Four Houses Cup.
And he'd be fine.
The long sleeves of his sorcerer's outfit hid his hands, and no one noticed when he clasped his fists and his nails planted themselves in his skin. It would be fine; it was not a complicated task to accomplish. He was capable of it, he had to show that he was capable of doing so. What's the point of all these reprimands, all these warnings if it didn't last serve? If his parents had done all this for him, and he was spoiling everything by the incompetence that had been his since birth. And Regulus did not have the status of heir as a batch of consolation. He had only his presence, which sometimes seemed intolerable to him.
Pandora grabbed his hand.
The girl stood before him and offered him one of those smiles she had the secret. Those filled with innocence and kindness, who made you believe that everything would be fine, not very important through what you will pass. It was the kind of power that Pandora passed on, that of always succeeding in standing.
- Reg... everything's going to be fine. Breathe a good blow. I'll be there until the end to hold your hand if you want.
Regulus pressed Pandora's hand to reassure her. Under no circumstances he wanted to worry her, it was one of the most important days of her life, and he did not expect, under any circumstances, to take away from her the joy she had of being in Hogwarts. At that moment, McGonagall's heels clad against the marble, and all the students turned to it.
- Is everyone ready? Let's go.
The small group advanced towards the two imposing wooden doors of the Great Hall. Regulus realized at the last moment that he was at the top of the group of students and would be the first to enter, in front of the eyes of all Hogwarts. He tried to slow down, but the doors were already opening, a pupil pushed him to walk faster, and he resigned himself to advancing despite the terror that was twisting his stomach.
Outside the hallway, the hallways were lit by a few candles and candlesticks, but nothing compared to the light that emerged from the Great Hall. Thousands of candles were flying in the room, under a starry sky. On both sides of the walls of huge torchlials burned and cast shadows on the walls that ascended to the ceiling. Like everyone else, Regulus looked up to look at the spectacle that magic made them experience. He felt Evan grab his shoulder and lean towards him.
- I read in one of my books that the sky reflected the one outside. It seems that several students fell ill when it rained because the drops fell on them.
Regulus turned to his friend.
- Really?
Evan shrugged his shoulders and let go of his own.
- No idea, these are rumors. You'll ask your brother.
And it was when he turned his head that Regulus saw him. Sirius sat at the table at his right and looked at him with a smile on his lips. In his eyes shone a pride that Regulus had rarely seen in his brother's gaze. He and his friends stood at the end of the table, right next to the places left vacant for the future new students of the house. And when Sirius pointed the finger at his place beside him, he felt himself losing his foot.
His brother was waiting for him. His brother really thought they would be reunited. He was really smiling at him for the first time in so long. A happy smile that Regulus could not reproduce. That he could never reproduce. Not in this situation. Not knowing that in a few moments his brother would hate him for the choice he would make.
Sirius did not notice his younger brother's expression; he continued to look at him, while talking to the other people in his house. Regulus prayed to a god, whom he did not even know, so that his brother would not be talking about him. That he would soon be a lion. For the only lion he was allowed to represent was far above them. At millions of kilometers. In this universe, he would never have a choice but to be part of the cowards.
Let go of to let his mother choose who he was.
Let go of letting his brother hope for things that would never happen.
Let go of his parents to torture his brother.
Slytherin would suit him. It was already inscribed in his flesh after all.
The excitement had disappeared. He was no longer happy to be here. Not now that he was moving towards this stool with the ball in his belly. They stopped a few yards from the steps, and Regulus noticed a strange hat that had been placed on the stool. Several seconds passed without anyone speaking, the silence was total in the Great Hall. Even Sirius seemed to be silent.
Then the hat caught alive.
- I'm not of supreme beauty,
But don't get what you see,
I'll eat myself,
If you find more clever than me.
The high-forms, the splendid hats,
False paleness with me,
'Cause in Hogwarts, when I decide,
Everyone submits to my choice.
Regulus recovered from this sentence. Sirius had never explained to him what the distribution consisted of, and from thread to needle the idea was made in his head. The choice would not be his. From beginning to end, it would be subject to the decisions of others. Everyone belonged to a house. Only one. And Regulus had to come across the right one.
He never had known he belonged to Slytherin.
Except from now on.
'Nothing escapes me, nothing stops me.'
Choice is always right.
So put me on your head,
To know your house.
If you go to Gryffindor,
You will join the brave,
The boldest and strongest
They are gathered in this high place.
On his back, someone screamed and applauded. Regulus could have sworn to have recognized his brother's voice.
- If at Hufflepuff you go,
How fair and loyal to them you will be,
Those in Hufflepuff like to work,
And their patience is proverbial.
If you are wise and thoughtful,
Ravemclaw may welcome you.
There they are scholars,
Who want to know everything.
From the corner of the eye, Regulus saw Evan tapped his sister's arm.
- You'll end up in Slytherin,
If you're pretty clever,
For these are real ruffles,
Who always achieve their ends.
On your head put me for a moment,
And don't be afraid, stay serene,
You'll be in good hands,
'Cause I'm a thinking hat.
Regulus no longer had any doubt as to why his entire family had found themselves in Slytherin. The manipulation was inscribed in their flesh. His mother always came to her ends. Tonight again, she would succeed.
McGonagall stepped forward and stood next to the Sorting Hat. She cleared her throat and her voice resonated throughout the room.
- When I call your name, you will put the hat on your head and sit on the stool. I'm starting: Black Regulus.
Regulus was nauseated. His complexion was pale, but he knew that no one would notice the difference; he had always seemed unhealthy. Without showing the hesitation that made him sweat underneath his loose and suffocating garments, he advanced towards the witch. She held in her hand the Sorting hat and beware that Regulus take to the stool to place the hat on his head. He had just enough time to capture Sirius's gaze before a voice inside his head was heard.
The last thing he noticed was that his brother seemed to be preoccupied.
- Still a Black? The last one was there last year, and the relatives a little earlier. Rest assured, are you the last one?
- I think so, yes.
- Hmm... Your mind is very disturbed, kind of like your brother. It was as if you knew where you should go, but not where you would go. I see intelligence, cunning and a destiny... between two crosses. Everything is going to play out now.
Regulus didn't understand everything the hat meant to him. Wasn't it supposed to be easy? Simple? A futile choice for this magical object, but which would be radical in the path that Regulus would then take.
- I see a great future for you. Slytherin would allow you to unfold all your magical character, but I also see a dark, very dark fate. Ravemclaw would help you to become a great wizard, you will know a great destiny and achieve great things. Maybe things less than your snake fate, but it will be less dark. Yes Serdaigle could be the solution...
He felt his hands become clammy as the situation escaped him. He couldn’t go to Serdaigle, that was not the option. Slytherin Slytherin. He begged.
- Slytherin? Really? It's unusual... You'll know a fate filled with darkness, are you aware of it? Ravenclaw will bring you a certain stability and almost as much feat.
- Slytherin.
- Well, it'll be... SLYTHERIN.
A flaunk of applause rang all over the room as McGonagall took the hat off Regulus's head. He hastened to descend from the chair and flak the steps to head towards the table of the Slytherins, whose cries were the strongest. Along the way he could not help turning his head towards his brother's table, and watched him applaud, his body turned towards a James with an anxious expression.
Regulus saw only his face at the last moment, and slowed down, noting that a slight smile was traversing his brother's lips. A sad smile and eyes screaming a goodbye that Regulus didn't understand. Sirius was not angry, was not disappointed. He seemed sad. And the truth struck the young boy hard.
He had let go of the idea of being happy.
He had chosen Slytherin.
Despite what the Sorting Hat might have told him, and Sirius knew it.
Regulus should have gone to Ravemclaw, that was what the hat predicted. Passing the blue-covered table, he glanced at the sitting people. No one was paying attention to him now, everyone was watching the next student to come under the Sorting Hat’s judgment.
He could have stopped there, sat next to these people, and he knew he would have been fine. That Sirius would have been well. He would have done great things, things that could have satisfied his parents. But it would never have been enough. His exploits would never have been enough for his parents if he did not respect the main foundation on which he had been educated from an early age: always obey.
And his mother had ordered him to go to Slytherin.
It does not matter that his fate is evil.
It doesn't matter whether he loses his brother.
It does not matter that he never knows what happiness would be like.
Narcissa welcomed her, a smile on her lips. Her cousin clenched his arm and kissed his cheek. The humidity she left on her was unbearable, but he waited for her to look elsewhere before wiping his cheek. Around him the Slytherins cast admiring and proud glances at him. In their eyes Regulus could see the joy of having a new Black among them.
He looked up, preferring to ignore the whispers of the youngest who pointed at him, to focus on the distribution of houses. Several students had already passed by and McGonagall had already arrived in the middle of his list.
- Lestrange Rabastan.
Regulus watched the boy advance towards the McGonagall and recognized in him the brother of the one who had married his cousin, Bellatrix. His attitude was similar to the one he had taken, that of the Sang-Purs. The Sorting Hat did not take long to make its choice, and the cries of the Slytherins took on a more beautiful one. Rabastan approached the table and decided to sit right next to Regulus.
- Good evening. Enchanted.
Regulus shook the hand that the boy was holding out to him.
- Enchanted. You're Rodolphus Lestrange's brother, that's right.
- Yes, your cousin's friend.
- I didn't imagine you so young.
– We have never had the opportunity to be presented properly. I know your brother more, though.
- It is normal, he is the heir, it is he whom is taken at each reception.
Regulus's eyes naturally turned to his brother. He was surprised to see that he looked at him and that he did not look away when he saw him. Sirius was too far away for Regulus to see it distinctly, but his expression was downcast. When he noticed that his little brother was looking at him, a fine smile appeared at the corner of his lips. The same fills with sadness, as if he were forcing himself to say goodbye to Regulus. That he had lost it somewhere, far away, in an inaccessible place from which he would never return.
- Rosier, Evan.
Regulus cut eye contact with Sirius to watch Evan sit on the stool and pass under the introspection of the Skin Choice. As for him, he took several moments to make his decision, and Regulus saw his friend's features stretch as the minutes passed, and he could imagine what the magical object murmated him at the corner of his ear. Eventually, he decided.
- Slytherin.
A new salvo of applause emerged in the room, and Regulus took part in it, failing to mask the smile his lips formed. Next to him, Rabastan decals to let Evan sit next to him. They did not even have time to exchange a look that Pandora was calling.
Below the table, Evan grabbed Regulus's handle. His features were tense, his back stiffened, and his lips closed in an expression stretched to its climax. He seemed even more worried about his sister than about him. The Choice of Psend waited only for a few seconds to deliver its verdict.
-Ravenclaw.
Evan relaxed instantly but a tense smile appeared on his face. They watched the girl sit at the table of her new house while applauding. Pandora turned to them, and even several meters away, Regulus could see the stars shining in his eyes. In the same direction, Sirius stood with his back.
The Gryffindor had turned around, but the attitude he showed contrasted with the surrounding atmosphere. He seemed apathetic and helpless. And Regulus didn't understand why it touched him so much. Never before had his brother expressed how important the fact that he joined him was so important to him.
Throughout the entire meal that followed, Regulus could not help but fix his brother's back. If Sirius finally became again the one for whom everyone seemed to know him, he noticed the sadness which emanated from him. And he didn't understand why.
Sirius should have hated him, he had prepared for it. Disappointed also, no doubt. But sad, that was not the thing he had envisioned. Anger and disappointment, Regulus was used to it. Sadness was not something with which he was comfortable. But he understood it. He knew that he had abandoned his brother, and in a way Sirius knew it too. What he did not understand, however, was why it affected him so much.
Because for months now, Regulus no longer felt like it was that.