1971-1972
Regulus was not often wanted. His existence had not been, why should he be? His presence on the station platform was a miracle. Sirius was that miracle. The heir. The one who had moved their parents to the front of this train. Regulus wondered if they would do the same for him next year. Probably not. The importance of the latter did not go beyond official representations.
So to speak, Regulus should never have been there. What their parents had agreed was that he would stay in Grimmauld, to wait, wisely. Wise. That was what he had to be. Involvement. Its only task. Don't make waves. Sirius, too, was to play this role. The Blacks had to play that role. It was part of them. It had always been. At last, that was what he thought.
Regulus came out little outside places approved by his parents. The noise around him--him was foreign. Nevertheless, it is pleasant. To his left children pushed their wagon filled to the brim. At his right parents made great signs to their children sitting down with windows. This distraction was nothing spectacular, Regulus knew it. But anything would be enough for him to escape what the small group he was composing with his brother and their parents were coming out. An aura of respect mingled with terror. Regulus knew the second more.
Just this morning.
Terror was still clinging to him.
Just this morning.
As the images came back, Regulus felt a vague pressure on his right flank. He turned his head to cross his brother's gaze. He was smiling. Not surprisingly. He was leaving. But it was thanks to him that Regulus was here. His parents were opposed to it. Sirius had insisted. Sirius often insisted, never as this morning. Their mother had given in, when she finally realized that there was no point in stubbornness. So he was there, contemplating the train that would be his next year.
So Sirius was smiling. And Regulus can't blame him. The sides of her sorcerer's dress hid the stains of blue paints on her skin, still fresh from this morning. Despite the joy he felt he had of being here, Regulus kept repeating himself that his brother should not have insisted in this way. Let it run. After all, they would meet the following year. But it was too late, Regulus often acted too late. Her gray eyes seemed to be only able to watch things happen.
-Not too sad Reggie ?
Regulus looked up at the sky, having checked that their parents were not looking in his direction.
-I already told you not to call me like that anymore.
-And you know very well that I am not listening to anyone.
-That's what causes you all these problems.
Sirius kept smiling, despite his brother's rather explicit undertones. For him, too, the memories were fresh. And always would be. There was no point in pretending. Regulus turned his attention to the people around them, looking at, mostly curious. They didn't surprise him, his family was curious. All the Blacks seemed to come from another dimension. They were not like all the others. They came from the stars. In any case, it was the image that the whole family had, with the utmost care.
- You know, I'm glad you're here.
Regulus turned to his brother again.
-Ah ?
-Yes. But you don't look very happy. I understand that you would have preferred to stay at the mansion without the parents, for once.
-No. For once I can get out of the house you mean. I would have suffocated there alone. Thank you for insisting.
While saying that, Regulus' gaze turned down towards the end of the sleeve that Sirius had just rolled up without paying attention to it. Weak abrasions remained visible, despite the care of their parents to mask them. They are said to be missing before the end of the day. Regulus could count on them for that.
-I didn't want to have to say goodbye to them alone. And I didn't want to have to say goodbye to you there.
Regulus nodded, for him both returned to the same thing: they had to say goodbye. Even though Regulus remained captivated by the size of the locomotive, he did not prevent her from being the one who would take away his brother.
Until Christmas.
He was going to have to hold without him.
Until Christmas.
If he could, Regulus would get on the train with Sirius. He would be sent home the same evening, and would not dare to imagine what would happen to him at that time. But the corrections of his parents would be worth spending a few more hours with his brother.
Seeing that his brother no longer replied to him, Sirius also diverted his attention, and the group became silent again. Strange contrast with the surrounding lively atmosphere. She gave Regulus the impression of staining. To be the black spot of a still pristine canvas. The curious eyes were no longer normal for him; they hit him even in his flesh. Looking around him did not give him any more comfort. But he preferred that to lower his eyes. Nothing that can not awaken the irritation in his parents.
His eyes then continued to sweep the quay around him, not lingering on anyone in particular. Everything to keep the approval of his parents.
-Sirius. Regulus. Move forward. Your uncle and cousin are there.
His mother's cold voice awakened home the last tensions he did not yet feel. Regulus tried in vain to sleep them in a sense of convincing that she still had nothing to complain about his attitude. Everything was fine. Everything was fine.
His gaze briefly crossed that of his uncle, and lingered a little in that of Narcissa. As always she was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Proud.
Icy.
A Black.
-Orion. Walburga.
His uncle greeted his parents without bothering to turn to his nephews.
-Cygnus.
-The quay is full of Mudblood. I would almost feel the total absence of magic in their muggles parents
-Some are getting small. They know at least their place.
-Is this the first year of Sirius?
Beside him, Regulus felt Sirius straighten up. The two children were no longer concerned with what their parents said, but they should nevertheless remain listening, in case the discussion drifts into a subject that concerns them. This was mainly part of Sirius's work. The heir. The one on whom everything rested. Regulus was often forgotten, and it didn't go to bother him. As he said, he was not often wanted.
The young boy waited for time to be sure that he would not have to join the conversation before diverting his attention to something else. If possible something that would not speak of muggles, Mudbloods or his brother. He willingly left him to his family.
Regulus could have continued to do as the previous minutes could have allowed his eyes to go from side to side, to pass from families to families, just enough to offer a little distraction. And he intended to do it, he really intended to do it. But it was without counting the sudden movements that appeared just behind his uncle and his cousin. His gaze was struck by a small family. More specifically, by the oversized gestures of the boy who complemented the family pattern of the small group with the two adults standing next to him.
If Regulus had thought, he would have realized that the boy's excessive actions were not quite different from the others of his age, since he had no doubt that he was Sirius's year. But he wanted to give himself a reason to continue to fix the strange boy.
He was happy, it would have been criminal not to notice. He rejoiced in a happiness which had nothing to do with that of Sirius. Regulus had no difficulty in understanding why. He had the skin basaged, which contrasted with the pale complexion of the Blacks, Regulus liked this difference. Right away. That boy would not go to Slytherin. Although Regulus knew little about the world around him, Slytherin was the subject he mastered best, with that of blood. The family inheritance that was incumbent on him. As in Sirius.
And despite the incessant noise around him, Regulus heard him say goodbye to his parents, with kissing and excitement.
-Adios Papa, Mama.
Spanish. This explained the skin basae. At the same time as the boy passed through the wagon, Regulus realized that this was probably the last time he would see him, and no doubt the last time he would think of him.
Beside him, Regulus felt Sirius leaning on his ribs once more. When he turned his head, the young boy saw his family watching him.
-Oui ?
-You brother is leaving.
Her mother's tone was cold. Colder than usual. She alone was capable of such a feat.
-Oh.
Walburga's eyebrows rose and Regulus, despite the cool wind of September, sweated. Narcissa took the floor, Merlin be praised for his cousin.
-He wanted to say goodbye to you alone. I'm going upstairs and my uncle and my aunt will wait for you further.
-Still one of his stupid demands.
Sirius continued to smile, as if he had not heard their uncle's remark. Regulus watched their elders move away to stand a little further, in silence. Worthy and proud. Like the ancient Greek statues of his cousin Andromeda had shown him in secret when they were younger.
-So that's it ?
-Are you leaving ?
Sirius's smile was saddened.
-i have to. You'll see, it'll pass quickly. And next year we'll be together again.
-You know that time never passes quickly at home.
There, Sirius's smile disappeared.
-I'd write to you, okay? Will you write to me in return?
-Yes.
Then his face became serious, worried. Worried to scare him.
-Anything happens, you tell me.
-You too.
The mischievous came back into his brother's eyes.
-What can you be stupid? What do you want it to happen to Hogwarts?
Regulus would have liked his brother to take him in his arms. Let him tell him that all will be well, instead of warning him. But their parents were watching. Their parents would hear everything if they decided. They had only to wait to be at home to take cognizance of every word that Sirius had uttered to his brother. Both of them knew then that it was better to remain silent.
One last look from Sirius before the latter ascends the wagon, without a look back. No regrets. Regulus waited as much as he could to try to see him making signs at the window, but nothing. Sirius had already forgotten him.
And he was not surprised.
The train started and Regulus hoped for a second power to run after as other younger brothers and sisters beside him. But her mother's eyes behind her back was almost as inquisitive as the wrist she would have put on her shoulder if she had been right behind him.
He then watched the train go, and leave him for a whole year.
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-Gryffindor. That incompetent. To the end he will dishonour our name.
The news had fallen. Sirius had not fulfilled his mission as heir. The family legacy was broken. Slytherin had not accepted him. Worse, he had been placed in Gryffindor. His mother was screaming. His father was pestering. Regulus was silent. He was as small as possible. The most forgettable possible.
Since the end of the dinner he was in his room and had not left her. He had stopped moving from the moment his father overturned the family coat of arms, and Regulus had heard him from above. He stopped sobbing when his mother started screaming. He almost stopped breathing when they entered his room.
-Did you know that ?
His mother's voice was calm. Unencompensable. His eyes were crazy. Sick. Regulus took his hands off his ears and looked in turn at his mother and father. He did not reply, although knowing what Walburga was talking about.
-You knew it.
-No.
-Don't lie.
Regulus felt a terror coming up to the surface. Just this morning.
-I swear.
-What did Sirius tell you this morning? What was so important to be heard only by you?
-He said goodbye to me. I swear to you, Mother, he only said goodbye to me.
-You. So insignificant. What did he have to tell you that we could not hear ? Come on. Speak.
Regulus' words caught in his throat. The terror he felt was too strong. His mother was too strong for him. But what scared him more than anything was the stranger. What would she choose, this time, to know ? What followed must take only a few seconds, but they seemed to him interminable. His silence betrayed him. His silence condemned him.
And he felt his head burn.
Each of the memories of his day went back to the home of pain. He felt his memory imploding in the face of the effort required. His mother didn't even focus on not making him suffer. It wasn't her kind of focusing on that kind of thing.
The burning increased when it came to the memory that interested her. Regulus relives his brother warning him, asking him to warn him in case of problems. He sees his brother leaving him behind.
The burn ceased.
Regulus remained crouched on the ground with his hands on the head and teeth clenched. The pain he felt was more like a migraine, but still made him suffer.
-You didn't know. Good.
-I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.
-It was for the family.
-I didn't know.
-I saw.
The young boy closed his mouth when he heard his mother advance towards him. Walburga grabbed his left arm and turned it to her. His almost black eyes showed no light, neither regret nor remorse. After all, Regulus felt almost nothing.
-Regulus, you're going to listen to me very carefully. Did I make myself understood?
Regulus nodded. Anything that would please it.
-You'll go to Slytherin.
-Yes, Mother
-Sirius is still the heir.
-Yes, Mother.
-But I want you to prepare. I want to prepare you to wear the name Black through the centuries. Sirius disappointed us. You, though second, will not have the right to make a mistake. If necessary, you will take its place. Do you understand what I'm telling you Regulus ?
-Yes, Mother
-Okay.
She let go of her arm and he did his best not to fall back to the ground. His parents left the room without a look back.
It wasn’t on the platform of the station that Sirius had abandoned him.
It was in this family that he had allowed him to survive.
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-You couldn't even imagine how it is there. Nothing to do with here. It's cheerful, it's enlightened. It's alive.
Regulus nodded, not really knowing how to react. His brother had returned in the early afternoon and since then he has only been talking about Hogwarts. The two boys had taken refuge in the youngest's room, and Sirius was doing tricks in the room, telling the stunning stories he had lived, while Regulus was listening to him without answering.
He did not understand everything his brother told him, but did not want to pass for an ignorant person in his eyes. The only thing he really understood was happiness in his brother's gaze. Sirius was happy, passionate. As he had never been here. A happiness that Regulus had never managed to bring him.
And that's where the most painful part began.
-I'm having so much fun there, and I made real friends. Do you realize?
-You don't like Pandora?
-Panora? Really?
-I like her.
-It's because you're both in your world.
The young boy looked down at his hands clasped and no longer replied. Sirius continued to speak, and Regulus listened to him. He listened to her tell her how awesome her new friends were, interesting, kind. Happy. Happy. Fun. How much was Peter making him laugh when the latter found himself next to the plate. How Remus marveled at the magical world like a child. The way James looked like him. Like a brother.
For Regulus it was as if he had disappeared. Its existence no longer mattered. Missed in his brother's memories. Never found.
James. James. James.
Joker. Player. Happy. Bold. Confident.
And whenever a new adjective added to the already very long list, Regulus felt itself becoming smaller. Non-existent.
-You're going to love Hogwarts.
Sirius sat down beside him, smiling on his lips, not noticing his brother's downbeside gaze.
-Hmm...
-Thank you for the scarf. I didn't think the parents would let you send it.
-They don't know. I asked Kreattur to send it unknowingly.
-But he's becoming rebellious, my brother.
And this simple phrase, that pride in his brother's voice, made him feel a little less small.
-It's just a scarf.
-Don't say that.
The piece of cloth passed from the suitcase which Sirius had brought back, depositing it in his brother's room instead of his own. The red and gold colors contrasted with the gloomy atmosphere of the room.
Regulus recalled spending many hours knitting her in hiding, praying that neither his father nor his mother would notice his little ploy. Sirius had then sent him a few letters which expressed the happiness he felt at being chosen at Gryffindor; and despite the anger and disappointment of their parents, who did not seem to decide to send anything for the birthday of their heir, Regulus had wanted to show his brother that no matter what the house, he did not care. For Regulus ardently wished that Sirius would do the same for him in September.
-I think you'd feel good in Gryffindor too.
Regulus' shoulders were held to refer to the distribution of the annual houses. Sirius's voice glimpsed the hope that his brother would join him. This was not possible. He should know that. Regulus had nothing to do with him. He was not brave, far from being brave.
-I don't think so.
-It's true that you look more like a Serdaigle.
-Sirius...
-But avoid going to Hufflepuff, the parents would disinherit you.
-I doubt that they will do just that.
Sirius's gaze at last turned upon him. He was beginning to be worried. At last he was a little interested in him. After several hours talking only about his incredible friends. Regulus bit his lip at this thought. He had no right to blame his brother for being happy. But Merlin that he would have liked to do so. After all, it was he who had been left behind. Not Sirius. Sirius did not even seem to be concerned about what was going on for him. What he endure in this cold and quiet mansion.
-Did something happen?
-No.
-Would you tell me if that were the case ?
-Yes.
-Weird that I don't believe you.
Sirius smiled to lower the pressure that had taken hold. Talking about their parents never made things easy between them.
-I want to go to Slytherin.
-Slytherin ? It makes no sense !
-And why ?
Regulus was not accustomed to getting angry at his brother. He loved his brother. If love meant something in this house.
-It doesn't look like you.
-Cause Hufflepuff maybe yes ?
-But you're nice.
-Nice ? Me ?
Even Sirius realized that what he said made no sense. The Blacks were not known for their kindness. Regulus would not derogate from the rule. His mother had taken care that this did not happen. Don't happen again. Slytherin was the only choice before him. And Regulus didn't think he could be that bad.
-Slytherin is not so bad.
-It's because you don't know them.
-Andromeda was kind, and she was repudiated. I don't see why you'd want me to be nice.
-Slytherin swelders fear.
-All our family went to Slytherin.
-But me.
-But you. But it doesn't matter.
-How do I not count?
-Let's say I'm pretty sure you did it on purpose, just to irritate Mom and Dad.
Sirius caught the cushion behind him and threw him at his brother's face.
-Asshole !
For the first time since his brother had returned, Regulus had the impression that things were becoming the same as before. For the first time since he got on this train, Regulus laughed.
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-You'd like to go to which house?
Lying in the grass, Regulus could no longer see Pandora but still heard it. She walked around the garden on both sides without really listening to what the boy might ask of her.
The sky was clear and spring was already being felt. Regulus loved the Garden of the Roses. As the Blacks mansion was in the middle of London, the young boy could not afford the luxury of enjoying the sun's rays apart from the few visits his parents gave him to the Rosier family.
-Pandora, are you listening to me ?
-You know not.
Regulus rose to see Evan Rosier arrive behind him. The boy held in his hands three glasses of water which he brought back from his kitchen. Regulus silently thanked him when his friend gave him his drink, and when Pandora preferred to ignore them, he added nothing.
Evan sat next to him and did not talk either. In these moments, filled with silence, Regulus saw what was binding on the brother and sister. The Rosier children were not known for their eloquence, not in private at least. They were the quieter children of Sang-Purs that Regulus knew. And it was nice to be with them. And he was relieved, more than he admitted, to return to Hogwarts with them. And it was good to be away from home for just one afternoon.
-How's your brother doing ?
The stupid calm, almost like happiness, which Regulus had previously felt evaporated. Like that. With disconcerting ease. To the mere evocation of his brother.
-Lastly? I don't know. He stopped sending letters.
Regulus failed to mask resentment in his voice. Evan did not formalize it.
-He was placed in Gryffindor, was he ?
-Don't act like you don't know. I bet that it went around the sacred 28 before the breakfast the next day.
-I presume your parents were not delighted.
-Would you develop Evan Rosier divination skills ?
Regulus really didn't know how he managed to keep calm. Was that not obvious ? Did that need to be highlighted ? Recalled ?
- You'll go to Slytherin.
You'll go to Slytherin.
Regulus closed his eyes to the memory of this September 1. Exactly the same. To the word ready.
-I know.
I didn't know.
-So what are you so afraid of ?
-Sirius... Sirius doesn't seem to accept the fact that my place is there.
-Don't tell me he set your mind to go to these jerks of Gryffindors ?
-No. He would be resentful of me if I told him, but just hearing him talk about these friends give me nausea. They all look... stupid ?
-Gryffindors.
-Gryffindors.
-What do they have the Gryffindors ?
The two boys turned their heads towards Pandora. The girl had climbed into one of the trees and was having fun trying to see what was behind the back of the garden. While speaking, she kept an eye on what was happening on the other side, but she remained serious. Pandora was always serious.
-Pandora, be careful. Mom and Dad wouldn't leave me alone if you fell.
-What would Pandora house go to ?
The girl shrugged her shoulders. Of course, she didn't care about anything about it. Lost in her world, Regulus wondered when would she start growing?
-My sister is a pure Serdaigle.
-So why do you call me an idiot every day ?
-Because you are.
Pandora stopped talking to focus on something else. His attention was only a few moments lying about one thing, and the boys had already lost it. Regulus looked up and noticed that the sun was already sinking, a sign that Kreaturr would soon come and take him home. He took advantage of the last rays of sunshine. The touch of the grass between his fingers. Wind breeze on its cheeks. Evan's breathing next to him. Wood cracking under Pandora's weight.
He memorized every single thing. He memorized them so that he could tell them to Sirius. Because Regulus hoped that his brother would be interested. For Regulus hoped that his brother would be a little interested in him as well.
And not just in Remus.
And not just Peter.
And especially not just James.
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Regulus didn't really know how he managed to convince his parents to accompany them. His father had only accepted. No scland. No screams. No punishment for the garlic that he was.
Not like Christmas.
The platform was crowded as in September, but Regulus no longer paid attention to the people around them. He just wanted to see Sirius. Check that he was always happy to see his younger brother. The boy was passing underneath his impeccable outfit that Sirius should not be delighted to see him again. His fingers tingled him, but his mother's gaze on him held him to crush them. Not in public. Not in front of her. Not as Black.
Regulus could no longer wait for the locomotive to enter the station and he could not help sighing with relief when it finally arrived. His brother was coming. His brother was coming home. And he would go with him in September.
Regulus wouldn't have to watch this train leave without him.
Sirius would no longer have to talk to him about how incredible Hogwarts were.
Regulus would never be left on the station platform again.
Sirius would never leave him behind again.
They promised themselves.