Summer 1972
The first day passed well. Regulus knew from the experiments that the first few hours were decisive, and Merlin was praised Sirius did not seem in the mood to irritate their parents. Instead, the Christmas pattern was repeated.
Hogwarts the most amazing school.
Fun classes--but not as fun as the blows they were preparing softly.
Peter.
Remus.
James.
Take the same ones and start again.
But Regulus preferred that to the silence of the house. He was ready to hear his brother says everything he meant--though most things were repetitive--so not having to face their parents, when it wasn't isolation that imprisoned him.
The boy smiled at his brother, sweeping away the memories of this sad year, as far as he could. Sirius was there. He would no longer have to spend his days in his room looking out the window, reading, boring himself. To feel drowning in this mansion where silence was what akin to comfort.
It was also for this reason that Regulus did not tell his brother anything about his irritation as to the stories he told him. Because the boy wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe in this magical place that looked neither cold, nor silent, nor boring, nor dangerous. Where his breath would not be cut off at the slightest cracked of a floor which occurs too close to his room.
The same noise that was heard as Sirius told how Remus and he had gone to steal something to nibble in the kitchens. Regulus' muscles stood, Sirius turned his head towards the door. During the minute seconds which separated this moment from the time when the door opened, Regulus wondered when Sirius had lost this reflex. From what moment did he feel safe enough not to be crispened, so as not to comprehend what might follow ?
Walburga stood in front of them, the mine severe. What could they have done? Regulus remembered everything he and his brother had done in their day, having remained stuck to each other since the arrival of the elder. He found nothing. This time, whatever happens, there would be no reason. Or their mother came to give one, for the little conscience she had left.
And Regulus knew.
Regulus knew that Sirius would fall into the trap.
He was so like their mother.
-Not to bothers your brother with stories he already knows.
Regulus saw a flash of lightning passed through his brother's eyes.
-He doesn't bother me.
-I didn't turn to you Regulus.
-What can you know what I have already told him or not?
-Well, it must be said that you were informing your brother quite well about your daily life, much more than your parents.
Sirius turned to Regulus, stretched out like a bow.
-You showed him the letters I sent you?
-No... No, I didn't- I keep them. I don't know how-
-Shut up Regulus, do you want ?
His mother's eyes cast him on the spot. The message was clear: she had not come for him, but she would not hesitate. She never hesitated.
-Let him, he just wants to explain himself.
-So, James Potter ? And Peter Pettigrew ?
Walburga continued to engage in dialogue despite Sirius's blatant disrespect. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Regulus felt her breath cut off as he began to understand where she would come. And Sirius also understood that it went beyond the conversations they used to have.
-Yes?
Sirius was cautious. On his guard. And Regulus was finally able to breathe, it would be all right, Sirius would do nothing to think about it.
- And a certain Remus Lupin?
- Yes.
- Sirius, you know where I want to go.
- I’m afraid I don’t Mother
- A Pure-Blood, more or less respectable. A family from which Cracmol are no longer counted. And finally a Half-Blood ? You used to be better. Much better Sirius.
- I don't understand very well...
- That's what worries your father and I, Sirius, is that you don't understand. You don't see where the problems you create are. Especially this year. You doubt that we were alerted to deviations from the regulations and you and your knowledge, had done so.
- Probably.
Regulus felt the danger, the real danger, beyond the presence of their mother here, before it occurred. Walburga advanced into the room, straight and proud, and Regulus remembered the posture that Narcissa had taken on September 1. But his cousin did not give off this murderous essence which blocked the muscles, bristled the hair and made you pray so that you could get out of it without too much damage. Not unscathed. We didn't get out of the clutches of Walburga Black.
- You are the heir Black, Sirius. Our blood is flowing in your veins. Irreproachable. He forbids you of any mistake, and Salazard, whom you have committed in such a few months. You were only disappointed. Unable to be similarly placed in the right house.
- I'm in the right house. It's just that you don't see it.
- Sirius, you don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.
For once, Regulus agreed with his mother. Sirius was on his guard, but his younger brother knew that feeling insulted, he would not let their mother's remarks flow. And he felt trapped between two forces too powerful for him, who could destroy him at the slightest friction.
- Maybe we've been too lax with you. If you have been able to make so many remarks from the management, it is clearly that we have missed something in your education. We have two months to ensure that this year does not happen again. For it will not happen again.
Walburga looked at her youngest son. Regulus became livid. The threat struck him hard and he felt infinitely small. Trapped in his mother's canvas. In front of him, Sirius did not leave his mother's eyes, but also understood the message she implied. If Regulus would not have the right to make a mistake at the start of the re-entry, the damage was already done for the elder. And Regulus knew what would follow.
- Regulus, will you get out?
No. No Mother. No, I wouldn't go out. No, I wouldn't let you do that. NO. Not again. Regulus remained frozen on his canopy bed. He did not engage movement or sign that he would do so. If he could not speak, he would at least show his disagreement, as long as he could. Before she also abates him.
- Regulus
.
The boy felt injustice even in his soul. He would have liked to shout at his mother, shouting at him to leave. To leave him alone, to leave them alone and never to come back again. But his presence was too strong. She was too strong. And he would never be able to beat her. She had made him understand enough like that.
- We were just talking.
The murmur escaped him and he widened his eyes.
- Sorry?
I already messed up.
- This is my room.
The silence that followed made him regret his stupid recklessness. Walburga's gaze on him took breath away. It was the first time he had gone against him. The first time he dared even to express a tiny “no”. She was going to kill him. She was going to try at least. And there would remain of him only the nothingness, and the brilliance of a star in the night. She was able to do that. She knew it, Regulus knew it, Sirius knew it.
And in this morbid silence, his brother laughs.
Regulus glanced at him distraught. They were going to die, and all he was doing was laughing. The situation was not funny. His panic was nothing that would be funny.
- Something to share with us Sirius?
Walburga's voice was cold, solid, unbiased. She would not tolerate anything about her boys. No more.
- Not at all. Well, a bit. My brother's poor defense. But good for a first try.
- Regulus, get out.
That was his last chance. Sirius no longer looked at him, but Regulus always stared at him. And he saw him for the first time as a Gryffindor. His brother stood up to his mother, something he had always tried to do, but without success. And today he was getting there. So Regulus wanted to show a little courage as well. Just for once. Just for today.
- Reggie. I wouldn't repeat myself.
But he couldn't leave his brother behind.
- It’s gonna be okay Regulus. You can go. I'm coming soon, don't think I'm done with all of my stories.
And Regulus left. And if Sirius were a Gryffindor, there was no doubt that Regulus was a Slytherin, and was it not they who were called as cowards ? He scarcely had time to close the door when the furniture in his room was already knocking against the walls.
In this house where silence was unbearable, the noises were insurmountable.
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Regulus didn't talk to his brother for a while after that. His brother did not try either. Sirius remained mostly in his room sending and receiving letters, and only leaving them for meals, the only times when his presence was required.
As for Regulus, he spent his time in the family library. He read there everything he could find about Hogwarts and everything his brother had deigned to inform him. He wanted to learn as much as possible so as not to appear for an ignorant person in his eyes. When Sirius spoke of this school, his eyes shone and Regulus wanted to understand why, but that he would only discover it in two months. In the meantime, he wanted at least to be able to exchange with Sirius, not to let him do the conversation alone. To show him that what he was interested in him was, even if that was not always the case.
And even if he never confessed to him, he wanted to be forgiven. To be forgiven for never knowing how to act and react against their mother. To be forgive for having fled when Sirius needed him most.
Just thinking about the scene that had taken place several days before, Regulus felt nauseous. Since he was a child, he had witnessed such disputes, but this time he felt himself fully responsible for what Sirius had endured after he left the room. He should have done more. He could have done more.
Regulus was very good at regrets.
Less for deeds.
Once again, he reminded Sirius's resigned gaze, which he had met, closing the door with caution, as his mother had asked him to do. Because Regulus always did what his mother asked him to do. Because Regulus was not like Sirius. He had neither the courage to confront his mother nor the guts to answer her. He kept his back down without daring to cross Walburga's gaze. He would tend the other cheek if it could please her and stop her.
Sometimes Regulus would like to be like his brother, but he knew he would never be. Sirius was like the star that gave him his first name. By birth his life was drawn, and he had followed this line of destiny as best he could. Gryffindor was just a gap, Regulus knew. Sirius always shone more than others. He was born to be an heir. He was born to be seen and respected.
Regulus was the second. A replacement pair that no one would ever need. As Sirius played his part to perfection. Because their parents were doing everything for he plays his role in perfection. And Regulus had to find his own line in all of this. As there was no room for the latter. And there never be.
In the end, maybe he wasn't really going to the library to learn. Perhaps he was hiding there to wait. Waiting to find your way. Waiting to know what we'd like to do with him. Waiting to figure out why he was there.
- So that's where you're hiding?
Regulus looked up. Sitting on the ground as a tailor, he lay in the middle of different drumsticks of books. His eyes were red by reading without light. He looked out and saw that the sun was already setting. He had missed dinner. Carefully he turned to his brother, waiting for his verdict.
- Our mother would do better not to find you here. I told them you weren't feeling well. They didn't like it, but it should be okay.
- And what do I owe you in compensation for your generous help?
Sirius opened his mouth, outraged.
- How dare you, Regulus Arcturus Black, accuse me of such unfounded things?
Regulus contented himself with taking a dubious look at him.
- Okay. Let's be. If you see me as well, isn't it Reggie.
- Don't call me that.
- You loved it when you were a baby.
Regulus did not reply and Sirius continued.
- Come on, let's put all this mess and go. Compensate for my generous help, as you say, you're going to listen all of my stories.
- Joy. Happiness. Pleasure.
- Hey ! Be nice I just saved your life.
And neither can tell if it were just a joke.
- Hmm. Life, just that.
Regulus preferred to opt for the option that would hurt him the least. Sirius gave him a glance which suggested what option he had chosen. Regulus then thought of the dinner that his brother had had to spend alone with their parents. It was certainly the daily life of the youngest for almost a year, but he had become accustomed to it. And unlike him, Sirius did not have this ability to remain silent. No more now anyway.
- Did it all go well? At dinner I mean.
Sirius pinched his mouth. Bad sign.
- It happened. I'm in one piece, that's a good point to take into account. But the task of being there next time. You know that staying with them alone is unbearable.
- Yes. I think I know that.
Without wanting it, his voice was cold.
- Oh. Regulus. I didn't mean that.
-I know, he tried to smile.
- Then, between us, we know it's easier for you, so...
Regulus loved his brother more than anything. It was something he could not deny. But at that moment, he didn't think he had a day hated it like that. He didn't understand how his brother could think that. They had spent their lives together, being elevated in an almost identical way. To be reprimanded by their parents. Ten years to support it and support each other. And only one year to get away.
Sirius had changed, in a way that Regulus would not have thought it capable. It possible. And Regulus really hoped that it would be for the best. He really hoped that his brother would become a better person. He hoped that he would become one for both of them. As Regulus was not sure that he could do it alone.
Sirius turned to him after having put away the last book, a mischievous smile imprinted on his face, and which did not indicate anything good.
- Come on little brother, follow me.
- I know where your room is Sirius, I don't need to follow you.
- Dearly off, I have changed my mind, we are not going to my room.
Regulus bite the lip, anxious. In his brother's voice, he had felt the excitement of the forbidden. And that was something he didn't like. Sirius did not seem to consider the repercussions that some of his actions had brought, except perhaps when the latter fell back on his younger brother. In those moments, he did his best to bear all the consequences of his actions, even when Regulus had participated in it.
- What are you talking about?
- You'll like it.
- I don't like it when you say that.
- It's because you know you're not going to like to love what I'm proposing to you. You're going to see, it's great. And almost risk-free.
- As if it were possible here.
Sometimes Regulus had the impression that even breathing would lead to a disaster.
- Reg, don't get depressed tonight. Tonight, we're taking advantage. We change our air.
- Don't tell me you plan to leave the house? If that's it, don't even think I'm going to follow you.
Sirius laughed at his brother's frightened reaction, then changed his mind face to the real panic in his gaze.
- Hey, we're not leaving the house. Not really. Trust me Reggie...
Weighing the fors and cons, Regulus eventually followed his brother. The latter sometimes threw anxious glances at him, as if his brother's dread to the idea of disobeying their parents too much had awakened a suspicion.
- Regulus, how it was during my absence?
-It’s now you ask me that question, the youngest railed.
Sirius stopped in the middle of the stairs, and Regulus failed to go into him.
- Regulus, I'm serious.
And Regulus knew that. But what could he tell him ? That his absence had been intolerable ? That he would have preferred him never have to go ? The boy had never felt abandoned more than during those few months. Abandoned in a house which did not look like a home when Sirius was not there. The fear in the stomach of taking the least step. Constantly epiderate the most suspicious noise. Pray the stars to bring his brother home.
Pathetic.
Even for Sirius
- Nothing worth worrying about it if that's what you're interested in.
Regulus went to overtake him, which was ridiculous since he had no idea where Sirius took them, but his brother grabbed his forearm firmly but with a certain tenderness.
- It is how you experienced it that interests me.
Once again Regulus was angry at his brother. It's been a lot in just a few minutes, compared to the life they had together. But this anger seemed justified to him. The young boy could not believe the concern that his brother had seen in his brother’s features after the blatant indifference he had shown in recent months.
Sirius knew their parents, which was why he asked him to tell him if anything happened. Regulus then wondered how he had, even a second, considered that his little brother would succeed in sending a letter of appeal to help without the knowledge of their mother, and even their father. Then his anger turned down in spite. He hadn't even tried.
Because he thought it would be in vain.
For it was certain that it would serve no purpose.
For he knew that even if he did, Sirius could do nothing.
Regulus was just a coward.
A real Slytherin.
And that thought frightened him because it meant that this summer might be their last. Regulus knew his brother enough to know that when he had an idea stopped about something, he no longer contained himself. Sirius had a disproportionate hatred towards the Slytherins. And if ever, and it would happen, Regulus was placed in Slytherin, Regulus would know then that his brother hated him too. And this idea was unbearable to him. Because if even his brother hated him, he would have nothing left to hang on to.
- I endure. As we've endured all these years. But this time, I was alone. That's all I have to say, now show me this great thing you're talking about.
And there, Regulus planted his gaze in his brother's and waited. Waiting to see whether he was going to be confined to what, for Regulus, was akin only to memories, anchored in him, but memories, nonetheless. Or if he were to move on, if for once he would manage to move on.
The gaze which he had had to dissuade him from insisting, since he began to climb the stairs again, without adding anything. So much the better. Let him not speak, Regulus preferred this to him not asking too many questions. Questions they did not know what he did not want to answer.
Yes, it had been a long year. But Regulus had conjugated her to the past.
The two brothers continued to climb the stairs, passing in front of their rooms and that of their parents. Seen from the outside, the mansion resembled an old, disgusted, narrow and unstable building. The magic turned the interior into a place as high as Regulus had the impression that they would never stop climbing these stairs.
It had been years since he had not climbed up until then. Regulus remembered when he was a kid, during a summer, far too boring for the child he was, he had set out to go around the mansion, and explore its nooks and crannies. He had done so only once since the result had been disappointing. Since then, he had never set foot in the attic.
And the closer they got to the roof, the less Regulus understood where Sirius wanted to come.
- Ready?
- I still don't see where you're going.
In one last smile, Sirius opened the hatch in front of him, which Regulus had not noticed, and then disappeared. In order not to be left behind, he followed him and the boy opened onto the roof of the mansion. The wind tapped his face and he closed his eyes by instinct.
- Come on, open your eyes, you're missing the whole spectacle.
Regulus listened to his brother as always.
And he was blown away.
He used to look outside through the window of his room, but nothing had the flavour to admire the same landscape from the top of an alleged building. The lights of London sparkled like the stars in the sky, the city becoming its own constellation.
Regulus felt his brother's gaze at him but was not distracted and continued to detail every aspect of what was before his eyes. Without embarrassment, like a child, he stared at people passing through the street, the bustling traffic a few kilometers upstream and the life that came out of that city.
All this was visible above his house, and he had never known it. Had never even thought of this possibility. He did not even know whether they had allowed themselves to do so, but for once, Regulus did not worry about the reprimands of their parents. It does not matter if he were to hide it in the future, he would come back here.
- Hey Reggie, look up.
Regulus at last turned to his brother and questioned him with his gaze. Sirius contented himself with raising a finger in the air, and Regulus' gaze followed the gesture. And that's where his breath cut off. From his window he did not see the sky well, not as he would like, at any rate, and the spectacle unfolded before his eyes went beyond what he could never hope for.
The constellations were dancing in front of his eyes, the moon was full, and the stars shone so strong that he could have closed his eyes. But he forbids it. Nothing would be missing from what was happening above it, millions of miles into space.
The city was no longer interested in him in the least, his artificial lights were nothing compared to the light of these stars. Regulus realized that he had not blinked for several minutes until the time when tears flowed over his cheeks. From the back of his hand he wiped them without turning their eyes away for a single second.
Beside him, Sirius smiled.
- So? You like it.
Regulus nodded his head without replying, and Sirius laughed tenderly. It had been a long time since he had felt such a euphoria, and he began to smile stupidly. But he didn't care. Sirius was the only one here, and Sirius never judged him.
- You want me to show you where you are?
There, Regulus looked away from the starry show and cast an interrogating glance at his brother.
- Your star I mean.
- Oh.
Regulus raised his head and gazed differently at the Milky Way that lay before him. He was there, somewhere, and so was his brother. His father too. They were somewhere. Lost in this infinite, which did not frighten him. They were there, and that star whose name it was there. Somewhere. And she would never leave.
-Look, this is Venus, and you are right next to it, a little further away. In the Leo Constellation.
- I know what my constellation is.
- But you can't recognize her.
- For me they are all the same...
Sirius approached, until they stick their shoulders.
- Then I would teach you to find you. Like that, if you ever get lost, you'll only have to look up to the sky to know where you are.
Regulus smiled. He continued to fix his star and his presence soothed him. She had given him her name. It had been in this fascinating sky for millions of years, and it would be there millions more. And one day he hoped for it, he would join her. And since he would never want to stay away from his brother for too long, he asked:
- And yours, where is it?