Chapter 1
5 years ago James made the hardest decision of his life and turned his back on the so-called ‘light’ side. It wasn’t because he had a change of heart or in his beliefs but because he would do anything, anything, to protect his son. He had seen the way things were going and chose to place his family above the rest of the wizarding world. A choice he never regretted, not once, at least not until he came home one day to find his wife and son gone.
It took a moment for him to realize what had happened. After all, it was late, so the house being quiet wasn’t strange. Sure the fireplace wasn’t going and the house had a bit of a chill, but it wouldn’t be the first time Lily had fallen asleep forgetting to light it. But the second he entered his son’s room to kiss him goodnight and Harry’s bed was empty his stomach dropped. He ran to his room, praying that maybe his boy was feeling sick or had a nightmare and had crawled into bed with his mother. But their bed was empty.
Panic hit him and he called out for both of them. Despite knowing it was useless. He needed to think. This couldn’t be a kidnapping, he worked for the only person who would want to take Harry, and there wasn’t anyone stupid enough to move against the Dark Lord. Well there was one, James' heart skipped and he stopped to take in the room. But Albus wouldn’t kidnap a child, he swallowed around the very solid lump in his throat. Pulling out his wand he waved it toward the closet, summoning Lily’s clothes, nothing specific, he just needed to know. When nothing came out, his knees buckled and he collapsed to the ground.
She ran.
How could she? After everything he had given to make sure they were safe, to make sure Harry was safe! How could she be so stupid as to run?
He needed to think. Maybe if he caught her, he could get her to come back, before anyone else knew. Before He knew. Shaking he pushed himself to his feet, that's what he would do. Find her and Harry and bring them home before anyone knew what happened.
Pulling his wand out and laying it flat in his hand, he pushed a small bit of will toward it and whispered, “Point me to Lily Potter,” It didn’t move. No, no, no, He thought, please, he silently begged, “Point me to Harry Potter.” Nothing happened.
“Fuck,” he cursed before giving up and taking his wand in his hand, she or someone else had cloaked them. He wasn’t powerful enough to smash through a ward like that. Pacing he tried to think. He could go to Gringotts, see if she had taken out any gold, but Lily had kept her own vault from her school years and he doubted he could access it.
She didn’t have many friends besides Alice, but he doubted Lily would reach out to her; she and Frank had done the same thing he had in order to keep young Neville safe. His wife wouldn’t chance seeking them out in case they’d call for one of the Death Eaters. He had no family for her to run to and she hadn’t spoken to her’s in years.
The world stopped when he finally concluded he had no clue what her next move would be. He suspected she’d gone to Albus or one of his people but he had no way of reaching out to any of them. Those loyal to his old headmaster stopped talking to him the moment he swore his vow to Voldemort.
Feeling beyond lost and desperate he summoned his patronus, the large stag appeared before him with a slight bow, he reached out and ran his hand down the animal's nose, “Pads, Moony, I need you.” The animal snorted and rushed out of the house through the nearest wall.
Not knowing what else to do James sat on the edge of his bed and waited.
Not that his friend kept him waiting long, less than five minutes after Prongs had vanished two cracks went off outside his home telling him they had come.
Unfortunately, those five minutes had been long and had given him time to regret calling them here. He should have done this alone. That way when everything went to hell and the Dark Lord searched their minds, he could see they had no hand in it. Damn him, for reacting before thinking.
“James!” he heard Sirius yell. He told himself to get up, to tell them never mind, to make up some bullshit about panicking over nothing, but he couldn’t move.
“James!” Remus’s voice echoed across the walls from its volume, probably with the aid of magic, and again he told himself to do something! If they reached the room, they’d see, they’d know! He needed to protect them. And he tried, he pushed off the bed and his world spun as he stumbled forward. Locking his knees he managed to remain standing but it took everything in him.
“Bloody hell, Prongs you scared the hell out of us!” his head snapped up, when had Sirius entered the room, hell, when had he gotten so close?
“James?” his best friend reached out for him and he jerked away. He shook his head, not that that stopped his friend from reaching out and grabbing him by the shoulders, “James, what’s going on?”
He tried to shake his head again. Nothing, he wanted to tell them, but his body wasn’t listening. He could see Remus behind Sirius, already the smartest of them was looking around, trying to figure this out.
“Prongs, talk to me,” his attention was pulled back to his best friend, his brother in all but blood, and despite telling himself to stay quiet, the “she ran” slipped out.
Sirius’s eyes went wide and Remus behind him gasped, “She ran,” he felt himself say again and then again like he couldn’t stop those two words from spilling out, “She ran.”
“Okay, okay,” his friend said, then before he knew it he felt himself being pushed backward, his knees hit the bed and he easily went with gravity and sat down, not having the strength to do otherwise, “You just sit here for a second and let us figure it out, okay?” he nodded, feeling a little more grounded with them there.
He watched as they moved far enough to talk without him hearing them. The only two people in the world that he had trusted with everything. Things he never dared tell his parents while growing up or the things he hadn’t felt confident enough to confess to Lily.
The two people who had listened to him that night five years ago, when he crashed into their loft, hyped up on pepper-up potions and desperation as he pleaded his case and begged them to help. They hadn’t hesitated. Not even if it meant turning their backs on a cause they believed in or the friends and allies that had trusted them. And despite what it cost Sirius personally to reach out to his brother, who he hadn’t spoken to in years, to ask for help.
Not even Lily had done that. She had screamed and argued. Told them they were being ridiculous and even called them out as traitors before eventually calming down. She only really gave in days later when he mentioned Frank and Alice were thinking about it as well.
He knew she had never truly agreed with the choice, but it had saved them from having to hide. From being hunted and it had guaranteed Harry his life. At least until he was 17 and had to make the choice to either follow his father and make a vow to not move against Voldemort or not. But James had learned to live with that, after all, he had 17 years to convince his son that it wasn’t as horrible as he had feared and that being selfish and wanting to live was okay.
Not that he’d get that chance now, James' heart felt like it was breaking, Lily had destroyed that. The terms had been so clear, theirs and Harry’s life for James' service and that they remain where the Dark Lord could watch them. The man had made it clear if they ran or tried to, the deal was off and their lives were forfeit.
Not just Harry’s but his as well. Lily had been safe. She hadn’t taken the mark--swore herself to the enemy--but she had still agreed. With her disappearing like this, James' life was over. And if- when the Death Eaters found her, they no doubt kill her and his son--
He swallowed the sob that so desperately wanted to escape. How could she do this? He wondered, she knew the consequences.
And the part of it all that made it feel like a hot iron was being shoved into his stomach was that she hadn’t even tried to convince him to run with her. She hadn’t even given him a chance. Not to run, not to talk her out of it, hell not even to say goodbye, she just vanished.
A soft curse brought him out of his thoughts, Sirius was hidden slightly behind Remus but still, he could see his friend running a hand through his hair, a nervous tick he’d had since they were kids. He watched them for a second and slowly came to the realization that he may have just sentenced them to death, just as Lily had done him.
In his panic, he had called out to the two people he knew without a doubt would come. Not even thinking through what would happen to them when the news reached the Dark Lord. Sirius said something and Remus smacked him upside the head, something James normally would have laughed at instead it gutted him. He couldn’t be the reason they died. He had always felt a strange need to protect them, when they were kids it was simple, keep Sirius away from his abusive mother and keep Remus’ secret.
As they got older and the dangers changed he still did his best to keep them safe. They were his best friends and he wouldn’t survive it if they had died. Now, when he might be the reason their lives were in danger he knew he wouldn’t be able to go on without them. It didn’t matter that his days were numbered. He would not have their blood on his hands. Not if he could stop it. Not if he could protect them. Even if it meant betraying them.
As silently as possible he stood, he had to be careful, with Remus’ hearing the slightest sound could catch the werewolf's attention. And if either of them heard or saw him, they would be able to stop him, Sirius had always been quicker with a wand.
His hand shook as he pulled out his wand and prayed silently to the gods, Merlin, and Magic itself, for this work. Then in the fastest, smoothest, most betraying way ever, he performed two stunning spells hitting his friends before either could react.
He winced when they hit the ground, before rushing over to them.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “but you need to be able to prove to Him that you weren’t involved, that you didn’t move against him.” He could see it in the way Sirius glared at him, that his best friend was thinking of every way possible to tell him to fuck off.
He looked at Remus, “Don’t let him do anything stupid, okay,” Remus’s face blurred as he begged one of his best friends to protect the other, “You know him, he’ll chase after me, after Harry. or he’ll come up with some ridiculous plan to stop the Dark Lord from coming after us,” he tried to smile as tears fell, “but we carry his mark, and Greyback can always find you. they’d find us and it’d be my fault--” his voice broke. “I love you two, I hope you know that.” Then before he could change his mind, he apparated out of his house.