Chapter 4
THEN: October
Time doesn’t feel real. it just doesn’t make any sense. You could tell Sirius that it’s been four years since he first met Remus and he would believe you no questions asked. That’s what it feels like, in the best way possible.
It hasn’t been four years though. It’s barely even been more than four weeks. Four very packed weeks full of dates nearly every night when their schedules allow and phone calls and facetimes when they don’t. It wasn’t like that right off the bat. Slowly they got to this point. After that first date, at least for Sirius he knew this was it. Remus was it for him. He never wanted to push Remus or to be too much too fast, but it was reciprocated.
That first week they texted constantly. Sirius got approximately no painting done and Remus got told off by his boss no less than five times for being on his phone while customers were in the shop. Which is when he started going into the cafe instead. That didn’t exactly help either of their productivity, though it did help them to both be in much better moods. They were just happy around each other. Why? It’s anyone’s guess. But Sirius knows it’s because they are meant to be. No one has ever made him this happy.
By the second week, they had gone on six official dates and too many unofficial ones to count. Some were dinners, some were movies, but what they did never mattered. Each time their night would end, Sirius would unintentionally pout at the fact that they weren’t going home together. He didn’t tell that to Remus, he just played it off that he would miss him. And then they would plan their next date for a few days later and ultimately see each other between then.
It was on their third date that Sirius worked up to leaning over and placing another soft kiss on Remus’ lips. He pulled away and the other man looked a bit dazed, but immediately pulled him back and caught Sirius’ lips between his teeth and kissed him harder. There have been many, many kisses since then. Each one is better than the last.
By now Sirius knows the taste of Remus’ mouth. All of the different ones. Him, just him, and how he tastes when he’s just had coffee, or when his breath is fresh from gum or toothpaste. His favourite is the one that he can’t quite place, it’s sweet and familiar and tastes like home. Not his childhood home, but the home that he was always meant to find. Remus.
In just a few days it’s their one month anniversary. Feels like it could be their one year anniversary. Sirius is going mad planning for it like it actually is their one year. Most people would call him silly. Call him dramatic. Tell him he’s absolutely lost his mind. That one month is nothing in the grand scheme of things, especially in relationships. That there is no reason to be planning something elaborate for such a small milestone.
he listens to none of that. Especially now when he’s on the phone with Regulus who is refusing to help him.
“I already told you why! I need you to help me, please?”
“Sirius. I am not going to fucking investigate your boyfriend. Wait- Is he even your boyfriend? Have you reached that point yet, because a lot of people will date someone for a month and not actually ask them to be their boyfriend yet.” he argues.
He scoffs, placing the phone on speaker so that he can talk while working on his surprise for Remus at the same time. “Obviously he’s my boyfriend! You’re such a dick. I’m not even asking for much.”
“Here’s an idea. Ask him yourself! Use your words like a big boy and ask your damn boyfriend.”
“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise!” Sirius groans and continues scavenging through the flat for where he left the paint brush he’s looking for.
There’s layers to his one month anniversary surprise. He’s working on a painting for him as the main gift, but that’s not all. What he needs from his annoying brother is help figuring out what Remus’ favourite flowers are. He knows, he knows, that Regulus could do it. Easily. It would probably only take him like ten minutes. Tops. But no, he has to be difficult. Sirius still doesn’t even know how he does it, but that boy can find out anything about anyone with a bit of time and internet access.
The flowers and the location are the two biggest unknowns right now. They still haven’t gone to the museum for any dates, though Sirius doesn’t want that to be this one. It would be too much of him talking and not enough about or for Remus. So that will wait for another time. Other options include the park, though they have been there multiple times, a show of some sort, though that may not be engaging enough for an anniversary, or taking a train to the beach - fuck does he like the beach? How does he not know if he likes the beach or not?
“Wait Reg- I need you to figure out if he likes the beach too. And the flowers, don’t forget the flowers.” He cuts in.
“I’m not doing either, you pillock. Just ask him. Is this all you called for?”
Sirius frustratedly whines. “I know it would be easy for you though! You stalk everyone I have dated before, honestly you probably already know the answer. And no…” He lies. “I was also calling to check in on you. How are… things?”
“You are the reason I have chronic headaches.” Even through the phone, Sirius can tell that his little brother is rubbing at his temple. “Goodbye, Sirius.”
The line goes dead. And Sirius is left scrambling. The problem is, he knows that he could just ask Remus. That would be easy, but he likes surprises. Remus may not, he doesn’t actually know that either. What Sirius also doesn’t know are any of his friends’ phone numbers. If he had those he would have texted them first, before going to his useless wet napkin of a brother. In the month they have known each other they have yet to meet the other’s friends.
It keeps them in their own bubble. Like nothing exists outside of them. When they’re together that is all that matters. It’s a peaceful escape, for now. Soon though, Sirius wants to branch out. Or well, that’s a bad way of putting it. He wants their lives to be more intertwined. To no longer have everything be separate from them. With the gallery opening coming up, that can be the first time they all meet. And then maybe again for Sirius’ birthday.
Thinking about it, especially now when he can’t even ask Remus’ friends for help, it is all a bit ridiculous. Maybe James and Regulus are right. Oh he hates when they’re right. Absently he wonders if Dorcas and Lily say the same things to Remus. They probably do, they seem like they are wise. He can practically hear them telling Remus off, and it makes him laugh to himself.
Yet another absurd bit. Sirius can literally imagine their voices in his head. Because he’s heard them countless times. On nights when he and Remus are talking on the phone for hours or facetiming, both Lily and Dorcas have made many appearances. He’s been scolded by them more than once already. Though that was for interrupting a movie night, then agreeing to stay quiet if he wanted to stay on the phone, and ultimately making jokes to Remus the entire time. Phone calls have now been banned from their movie nights, and Sirius honestly isn’t sure if he will be allowed at them in person ever.
So despite not having met them, he knows them well enough. And Remus has talked to James before too. Once was when James called with an emergency that wasn’t actually an emergency while they were out to ice cream. As soon as he realized that Sirius was on a date, he started to yell through the phone to make sure Remus could hear him even without being on speaker. Regulus on the other hand, seems to not care to meet or talk to Remus. He does however have a lot to say about how quickly their relationship got started and Sirius knows it’s because he cares. And just wants the best for his brother and doesn’t want his heart to end up broken. It’s cute.
Speaking of Regulus, his phone buzzes loudly on the table. Violets. That’s all it says.
thank youuuuu knew you could help! Sirius types back. Then sends another. anything else of use?
We’ll see if I’m feeling nice.
Fine. The beach would work.
Now stop pouting.
Sirius would like it known that he wasn’t pouting. Well maybe a little bit. He knew his brother would pull through, even if this means he will owe him. It clearly was quite easy for him to do, so it shouldn’t be a big deal at all. Now he can really get to planning.
-
The morning of, he gets a little nervous. Ridiculous, he knows. Everyone has told him. Literally everyone. Including the barista at the cafe he went to, not Remus’ because he prefers another when his boyfriend isn’t working, told him he’s overreacting. He didn’t think it was that noticeable, but apparently he was rambling to himself in line for coffee and then pacing anxiously until his drink was ready.
He hasn’t told Remus any of the plans for the day. Just to have his entire schedule cleared and that Sirius would be by to collect him in the morning. Now two cups of coffee into his day and running on barely any sleep because he was up most of the night, he’s on his way over. This day is actually at an inconvenient time because his paintings are due to the gallery in three days and they aren’t finished. That will be a problem for tomorrow because today is all about him and Remus.
On his shoulder he has a tote bag with a few snacks, drinks, and a blanket to sit on. In one hand he is holding a small bundle of violets that he picked up from the florist this morning. Sirius just reaches the door and is about to knock when it swings open with a smiling Remus in the doorway. He must have been waiting by the door or looking out the window to see him approaching. His eyes light up even more when he sees the flowers.
“How did you know I love violets?” Remus doesn’t let him answer right away because he is kissing him, closed mouth, though still passionately.
He smiles, proud of himself. “Lucky guess?” ( Thank you, Regulus! )
“My ma plants these in her garden every year. Thank you. I didn’t get anything for you.” Remus takes the flowers and then takes Sirius’ hand in his and they start on their way.
It would be easier if they didn’t live all the way in the city, but they both love it. They don’t leave often, but they don’t have to. Today though it will be nice to get out of the busyness and get more fresh air. More than just the fresh air of the parks they frequent. The sea breeze will be refreshing, even if it is October. Sirius made sure they both had jumpers with them before getting on the train.
As much as he wanted it to be a surprise, the train station ruined it. He couldn’t evade the question of where they were going for very long because even after he bought the tickets, the signs for the destination as they made their way to the platform spoiled it. Even so, Remus pretended like he didn’t know. He let Sirius keep the plans to himself, and god he appreciated him for that. Sirius loves to make everyone around him happy, especially Remus, and he just wanted to surprise him.
They talk the entire ride, with barely a moment of silence. you would think they hadn’t seen each other in weeks with how much they had to talk about. Or maybe it’s just that they have only known each other a few days more than a month that gives them endless things to say. Sirius wants to share every part of him (almost - he will keep the worst parts hidden as long as he can) with Remus. And even more, he wants to know everything there is to know about the man that he is absolutely in love with.
The conversation naturally flows into Remus’ childhood after the comment about his Ma and the flowers. How he grew up and lived in Wales until he left for university and has been here ever since. He misses it and used to love how quiet things were there, but has grown to love the city. There are opportunities to reciprocate with stories from his own childhood, though Sirius skillfully side steps all of them. He doesn’t need to share anything about the horror it was growing up in his mother’s house, though he does mention his brother on more than one occasion.
Even when there are pauses, they are easily filled. Sirius talks about plans for the future and how he wants to own his own gallery one day, but not for a while. For now he is happy just painting and sharing his work with galleries around the city. But one day he wants to do more, he wants to help other artists who are just starting out. Remus loves that, and he shares that he isn’t quite sure what he plans to do in his future.
“You don’t know?” It’s not condescending, it’s said with care. Sirius would love him even if he worked in the cafe making barely any money for the rest of his life.
“No, but I don’t mind. Just taking life one day at a time. But there is one thing about my future I am certain of.” Remus softly smiles.
“What is that then?”
“I want you in it.”
Sirius practically launches himself at him. They luckily have extra room in their seats since they got a section with four seats facing each other. Which proves helpful for Sirius who is not straddling Remus and kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his lips. Kissing him everywhere he can without getting dirty looks from the other people on the train car. He didn't succeed at that last bit, but he tried.
“Sirius, please. Honey, we are in public!” Remus laughs, though doesn’t even fake push him off.
“You can’t just say things like that and expect me not to literally pounce on you.” He rolls his eyes. “Do you really mean it?”
“Of course I do. It’s only been a month but I…” He trails off.
He knew what he was going to say next. Sirius knows because he is thinking the same thing. I love you. It’s so early in their relationship, but he knows. He has known since the first day they met. Somewhere deep down he thinks that he has known since before he ever laid eyes on Remus. In his bones and in his heart, it has always been Remus for him. It was only a matter of time until they met. And now they have, and he knows it’s real.
I love you. Those words sit in the air between them. Unsaid but known. Remus’ eyes give away that he knows too. They love each other, but it’s only been a month. It’s only been a month and they know. But, and, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they love each other. It may be conventionally too soon to say it, but how soon is too soon when it’s the purest form of love either of them have ever known?
Is it really too soon if Sirius was always meant to love Remus?
Neither of them say it now, but they lock eyes and it’s there. It’s not said out loud but it’s said in other ways. Not with words, but with their eyes. With squeezing the other’s hand. With each kiss, deep or soft. With each laugh. It’s said in all ways they can without words.
It isn’t said out loud because it doesn’t have to be.
The train slows and pulls into the station. What would have felt like a long journey with anyone else, felt like no time at all together. The crisp autumn air hits them as they get off and it should feel cold, but Sirius is filled with so much love that it keeps him warm. Remus is a bit stiff from sitting for so long, especially in the cold air, but after a few minutes of walking slowly he relaxes a bit.
They don’t go too far from the station. The beach spans for miles but they settle on one of the closer parts. It helps that this spot is right by the boardwalk as well. When they need a bite to eat or if they want some entertainment in the form of carnival games, they can go over there. But they are both content to lay the blanket down and sit in each other’s arms.
Going away, even if just for a day trip, is a nerve wracking thing in a new relationship. With Fabian, Sirius didn’t go anywhere with him until a year in. They could have easily gone on holidays together before then, or even a short weekend trip, or a day trip like this. They just never did. It wasn’t for them. It was awkward when it didn’t need to be. While they were dating it was always easier and better to be near their friends.
But with Remus it’s different. They have always just been the two of them. And while always is a very short amount of time in their case, the point still stands. His relationship with Fabian started as friends, they were almost never alone together unless they were hooking up. In the past month though, Sirius and Remus are always alone except for workers at restaurants and strangers out in public. And it isn’t weird. It’s honestly refreshing.
There hasn’t been anyone that Sirius has wanted to spend so much uninterrupted alone time with, aside from maybe James. Things just work with them. So even if he was nervous this morning, as the day has gone on it only proves that he had nothing to worry about. He can barely even remember what he was anxious about and he feels a little silly for it.
It does make him think though. They haven’t met each other’s friends yet even if they have talked to them and how Sirius can tell you how Dorcas takes her coffee and how Lily prefers a very specific tea. And how Remus knows the exact number of times James has thought about getting a cat in the last two weeks and well, okay maybe he doesn’t know all that much about Regulus. But still. No one knows that much about Regulus, but he knows everything about everyone else.
“What’s going on up there?” Remus lifts his head from resting on Sirius’ shoulder to look at him.
“What?” He is pulled from his thoughts. “Oh, nothing. Just thinking. Are you hungry? We can go up to the boardwalk and get a bite, if you want.”
Sirius isn’t all that hungry and he isn’t actually sure what food they have here. He’s only come once or twice before when James and his parents invited him years back. It isn’t somewhere that his own family frequented. their holidays were to France or nowhere at all. As soon as he started to travel on his own, once he had the money to, Sirius would fly to other countries to see as much of the world as he could. The rest of the UK was never the top choice because it would always be easily accessible. He hasn’t even been to Wales either, though he thinks that can be easily fixed now that he has Remus.
“I could go for some chips. Is that alright with you?”
“That works.”
It’s a short walk to the pier and once there, the first stand they pass by has chips. They do smell great, and they get one large basket of them to share. For this Sirius is grateful, he knew he wouldn’t be up to eating much more than a small share of them anyway. They find a bench along the edge of the pier and sit with the chips between them. Sirius sits down cross legged and facing Remus, rather than looking out at the sea.
“You’re missing out looking at the nice view.” Remus laughs, taking a few chips at a time.
“Mmm I think the view I have is better.”
At this, Remus throws the chips at him rather than eating them. Sirius throws them right back, hitting him square in the face. They fall into laughter at this. But not before Remus picks up another chip and aims at him. It’s unsuccessful, or perhaps successful depending on how you look at it. Sirius catches it in his mouth with more grace than he knew he had. He chews and swallows it before sticking his tongue out in triumph at Remus, who kisses the stupid look off his face.
They sit there for a little while longer. Not in complete silence, but neither feels obligated to carry the conversation. Remus eats more chips until they are all gone. The breeze has picked up a bit, but since they aren’t sitting on the blanket he brought, Sirius wraps it around their shoulders. Maybe the beach wasn’t the best idea for mid October in the UK, but it’s fine. They’re not that cold. Plus it gives him an excuse to cuddle closer to Remus and he is absolutely not complaining about that.
“Come on, I have an idea.” He stands faster than he should considering his bad joints, but he doesn’t seem to be in any pain so Sirius doesn’t mention it.
“What? I planned today, how do you have something?” Sirius waits for more to be said.
Which proves pointless because Remus is soon dragging him further down the pier. He seems to be on a mission and is looking through all of the stands that they pass, but doesn’t stop at any of them. They walk by a few rides, but they’re pretty much all closed since it’s not summer. Sirius is thankful for this because he is not a fan, he won’t say he’s scared but other people may correct him on that. Namely Regulus, who thinks it’s hilarious that he won’t go on simple carnival rides.
It’s only a few minutes before they make it to the end of the pier where there are only a few stands they haven’t walked by. He correctly assumes Remus wasn’t pulling him to the ice cream stand. Though he wasn’t expecting his boyfriend to be standing and smiling at him in front of a carnival game. It’s the one where you throw a bean bag at a tower of milk bottles to try and knock them down.
“One go, please.” Remus politely asks the worker who is a teenage boy who definitely doesn’t want to be standing there.
“This was the idea?” He asks, trying to not sound disappointed or any other negative emotion.
Sirius is not annoyed or anything like that, mostly just surprised. He never thought of Remus as someone who likes these types of games. Especially when he definitely knows most of them are rigged so you can’t win. Though it would be hard to actually rig this one, and maybe he knows that. He’s also just a bit confused that Remus only got one round of the game when he paid the kid.
Regardless, he watches as Remus easily knocks down all three bottles in the first stack with the first throw. He does it two more times. They can hear the successful clatter of the bottles that are rolling along the wooden planks of the pier now. He had two more throws, but evidently didn’t need them. This was definitely not a skill that Sirius would have thought Remus would have, but everyone has hidden talents.
“What prize would you like?” The teenager doesn’t even pretend to be excited for him, he is entirely monotone.
Remus sweetly turns to Sirius. “Which prize do you want, sweetheart?”
“For me? Oh um, that one I guess.” He points to the wolf.
It’s bigger than necessary, but he takes it and hugs it to him as they walk back down the pier. Remus reaches out one hand, and luckily the plush isn’t too big that he needs both hands to hold it, and he can intertwine their fingers. Something about holding hands just feels right. It tethers Sirius to reality, while also letting him live in the dream state that he and Remus always seem to be in. Their relationship is so real and yet it feels impossible that it’s so perfect.
“Thank you Remus, this is lovely.”
“I felt bad that I didn’t get you anything, but I promise I won’t miss another anniversary. You’ll get proper gifts from me every anniversary from now on, deal?” Remus says quite seriously.
“You don’t have to, but deal. Just being with you is enough of a gift for you.” He says, though it comes out cheesier than intended. “I’m not just saying that. I really mean it.”
“I believe you. I…” And there it is again.
Unsaid. Those three words that are bigger than the longest words in the world. They hold such weight, and yet…
“I love you.” And yet they just slip out of his mouth. With such ease.
He waits for it to be said back. Remus only stares at him. It doesn’t have to be reciprocated, he doesn’t have to say it back. That wouldn’t change how he feels and he doesn’t regret saying it either. The words hang between them, this time spoken. This time out loud not dancing in between words and glances.
A hand comes up on each side of his face. No matter how rough his hands are, they feel soft on Sirius’ skin. His head is being pulled to meet in the middle with a crash of lips. Three quick, passionate, and rough. The last one lasts longer, neither of them pulling away.
Remus pulls back, not dropping his hands. “I love you.”