Chapter 5
NOW
Unpacking didn’t work. He knew it wouldn’t. Even if they eventually sorted the boxes into Remus’ and his and only unpacked his, it was too hard. Everything in it somehow reminded him of Remus. Every fiber of his being was intertwined with him.
Sirius let them try to unpack for a bit. He sat to the side and fought off tears the whole time. Every once in a while one of them would look over at him with sadness in their eyes. There was nothing he could do. He’s just- he isn’t strong enough for this. It doesn’t make sense to him how Dorcas and Hope are just going through the motions without tears staining their cheeks, without their throats closing up each time they go to speak.
He knows, he truly does know that they’re struggling too. They loved Remus too, of course they did. That isn’t up for debate right now. Or ever honestly. It’s just… how are they not as bad off as Sirius? He doesn’t want to be like this, he wants to be able to be strong. He wasn’t prepared for this. Maybe he never would be, but it would have been more bearable to lose him when they were old and grey. Not that Sirius ever planned to let his hair go grey, but the sentiment is there.
On the other side of things is Hope. She never should have had to see him go. It had been months since she had seen him. They were planning to go visit her soon, eventually but soon. It just never happened. Never will. And yet here she is in his flat, putting on a brave face and helping her son-in-law she didn’t know she had. The woman is filled with love, overflowing with it. Sirius figured that out in the last 48 hours, and it only makes him feel worse. He can barely manage to show her any affection and she is doing everything possible for him.
By late last night Dorcas had left and gone over to Lily’s. She didn’t ask if Lily could come over here, knowing it would be too much. He would have welcomed her, or more so not turned her away. Sirius is barely able to look at Dorcas or Hope, and Lily would be just as bad. He’ll see her soon, he does genuinely adore her, he just can’t look another person who lost Remus in the eye. He hasn’t even been able to look himself in the eye.
James stayed the night, smushed onto the couch with him. There’s a perfectly good bed, but it has remained mostly untouched. It is still messy from a few mornings ago when he and Remus lazily started their day and never made the bed. Sirius thinks he’ll just leave it like that forever. Just like the foggy message on the mirror. He wants to keep everything just as it was when Remus was last here.
It’s not an easy or even at all possible thing to do, but he wants to. He didn’t sleep through the night, though he did doze off a few times. Never for more than twenty or so minutes, but better than nothing. Hope kept moving about the flat, never sitting still for even a minute. Until she left for a few hours sometime in the middle of the night. She returned in the morning with pastries and coffee and didn’t say a word about where she went. Upon returning, she relaxed for a few moments while eating and drinking and then promptly returned to rushing around and organizing and cleaning and keeping her hands busy.
This whole time he’s still barely said anything to her, until now he didn’t know what to say. “Hope? Do you need anything?”
It’s such a small question, but very loaded. Sirius hates that it took so long for him to work up the courage to say anything more to her. But it feels good to talk now. Even just opening the door between them takes a weight off of him. When she pauses, finally slowing down, and turns to him, there is a distinct understanding.
She comes closer to him and her eyes are soft. “Can I give you a hug?”
He isn’t used to mothers being sweet and caring. To them showing kindness and warmth. Hope is the embodiment of warmth, she’s soft as she wraps her arms around him. It takes a second, but Sirius brings his arms around her too, holding her close. He sinks into the familiar feeling and rests his head on her shoulder. Neither of them knew how much they needed this. It doesn’t fix everything, it doesn’t speed up the healing, but it’s a step.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Hope pulls back enough to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to say that. You’re allowed to break down. I’ve got you.”
That’s all he has been doing. He wants it to be okay, he wants to be able to live his life again. Sirius says it will be okay to Hope, because that’s what you say when something terrible has happened. No one can say if it actually will be okay. Everyone just says that and goes on pretending. He knows that he can’t just pretend, he can’t just fake it until it’s true. All Sirius can do is cry. But when he looks at Hope, he wants to do more.
“I- yeah.” He sighs, too defeated to say anything more.
“I’ve got you. We have each other, okay?” She smiles as much as she can, it’s barely there, but he knows what she’s saying.
They have each other because they don’t have him.
“Let me know what I can do, okay?”
She nods in response. “Of course honey. You too. James, dear? Are you going to be here for a bit? I have to run out but I don’t want Sirius to be on his own right now.”
They have known each other for as long as Remus has been dead, she has known they were married for the same time. And yet she cares about him so deeply already. A mother that wants the best for him. Sirius knows that this is how parents are meant to be, he just got dealt a bad hand. He also knows that she’s right, he shouldn’t be alone if it can be avoided. As much as he does love time to himself, now is not the time for that.
James tells her that she can go and to let them know if she needs anything. The little bubble that Sirius exists in, with select people he trusts, has expanded to include her. It doesn’t quite fill the void left by Remus, but nothing ever will. He may have never been loud or the biggest and brightest person in any room, but he took up more space in Sirius’ heart and head than anything ever has. More than he ever thought possible.
That explains why Sirius has felt like he’s walking around as a shell of a person. Remus took a lot of him with him when he died. He doesn’t know how to get it back, how to fill himself again. It may never be possible, and he will just have to learn to live like this. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to live without Remus. They were just getting started, they had just found each other. It’s not fair.
“I know I said I could stay,” James starts to say.
“You can go. It’s okay, I’ll manage.” He already feels like a burden, like he’s a hassle for everyone else to deal with on top of grieving Remus, he doesn’t need to make it more true.
The look on his face tells him all he needs to know. He doesn’t trust that Sirius will be okay. It’s true, he won’t be, but that isn’t because he’d be left alone. He just won’t be okay for a long time.
“I won’t be gone long. Or I can have one of the girls come over. I was supposed to go into work today but I’m just going to sort that out and then come back. Yeah?” He rushes through the details, but Sirius doesn’t really listen.
Everyone else has lives that they should keep on living. Just because Sirius’ life stopped the moment Remus’ heart stopped, doesn’t mean it should affect everyone else. That’s not how things work. The world doesn’t revolve around Sirius, he’s not the sun. Things will keep going around him. Whether he chooses to participate or to fade to the back is up to him. He wouldn’t mind just slipping away. There is so little he cares about enough to keep going without Remus by his side.
James doesn’t keep waiting for him to ask him to stay, he just goes. He knows Sirius well enough to know that wouldn’t be what he would do. He’s not going to beg for help. That’s just not who he is. He will just struggle through things on his own until it becomes too much to bear. The door opens and closes and he’s left with just his thoughts. Not the ideal situation, but it was bound to happen eventually. He may as well get used to it now.
There are a few less boxes cluttering the flat than a day ago, but he is in no way unpacked yet. Or maybe ever. Sirius won’t be the one to unpack them. And he doesn’t exactly want to have anyone else do it. He’d feel even worse that someone else who loved Remus would have to go through his things. They can’t just be thrown out either. So everything will remain in boxes and maybe one day he will move them out of the living room, but for now they can stay here.
The first ten minutes or so on his own are fine. He just sits there and breathes. It’s all he can do right now. The following ten minutes get a bit more rough. Sirius can’t stop his eyes from looking all around the flat and he starts to grow restless. He hasn’t gotten much sleep since, maybe a total of three or so hours. Right now would be a good time to get some proper rest. Except that scares him. He doesn’t know and can’t anticipate what dreams await him. But he does know how to just sit here, so sleep is out of the question.
As he reaches the end of around thirty minutes alone, he finds that his leg has fallen asleep. This is probably why Hope keeps moving. they’re on opposite ends of how they are dealing with this. He can’t move, can’t do anything. She can’t stop, she has to do something. In a way they compliment each other. Now that his leg is asleep, he has the urge to move. Wanting to change his approach to this just to see if it is better another way. He can’t comfortably walk on the asleep leg and that appears to be the last straw.
He had done so well keeping it together on his own. Sirius hadn’t reached crying or freaking out or any existential crisis that he is sure is the main reason everyone is worried about him being on his own. In fact, that hadn’t crossed his mind at all, at least not in an explicit sense. For the most part, he’s proud of himself for these thirty minutes.
But then he begins to lose it. As he tries to just walk to the kitchen, his leg will not cooperate, so he begins punching it. With his hand balled into a fist he hammers into his thigh, but it does nothing. He crumples to the ground in frustration and hits at his calf and his foot and more on his thigh, but feeling in his leg won’t come back. It will soon, he knows that somewhere in the logical part of his mind, but it doesn’t seem to be true right now. Even if his leg stops being asleep, it won’t change anything else. Maybe he should just stay here on the ground forever.
Of all things, no one would have guessed that having pins and needles in his leg would be the thing to break him right now. It’s not like the first break, which was caused by the writing on the mirror, it’s different. Things were fine, he was doing relatively okay. Nothing had spontaneously happened to remind him of Remus, those were the things he had to be wary of. That’s the quickest way to bring him to his knees in a puddle of tears.
Sirius gives up on hitting his leg after a few minutes and simply falls to his back. Accepting defeat. His cheeks are wet with tears, and he lets his head roll to one side. The tears drip across his face and end up in his hair or falling onto the wooden floor. It’s not worth it to catch them or wipe them away, there will only be more soon after clearing them.
Laying here, he knows that everyone was right. He shouldn’t be alone. Nothing good will come from it. The issue now is that he said he would be and he doesn't want to admit defeat or be an annoyance to anyone else. They’re all dealing with their own lives and their own emotions. Sirius is not their top priority and he shouldn’t be. Asking for help has never been his strong suit and right now is no exception.
Even if everyone fully understands why he is a wreck, which they all do, he doesn’t want to have it be so obvious. Sirius doesn’t want to call James and admit he was wrong in saying that he would be okay on his own and that he needs someone to come over. Hope is not an option either, mostly because he isn’t sure what she’s doing and he wouldn’t want to interrupt something important for something as menial as he can’t handle being alone. Dorcas and Lily are likely still together, so he could call them but he won’t.
The best option he has is Regulus. Surprisingly. They don’t always get along and they haven’t always been the closest, but things have been good with them for a while now. The thing about being brothers is that you see each other at your best and your worst and everything in between. It makes it easier to be vulnerable, though it is still hard. Even if he makes fun of him for breaking down like this afterwards, he would still drop everything to come and be here for him.
Luckily for Sirius, his phone was in his pocket when he got up from the couch so he could remain on the floor and call him. It rings twice, and then he picks up. That’s how it usually goes. Unless they are mad at each other for some reason, they will always answer the other’s call. Maybe not on the first ring, but always nonetheless.
“Sirius? What is it, I’m working.” He answers, talking quietly into the phone.
See, even at work he will still answer his call. He isn’t quite sure what to say or how to say it. Based on how he answered the call, no one has told him. That does make sense because Regulus wasn’t close with Remus. They tolerated each other at best. Which also makes sense because they didn’t meet until November and it’s only March. there wasn’t exactly time for it. James was different, James was invested in getting to know Remus. It was easy.
As his brother, Regulus wanted to make sure he would be a good partner. That he would love and care for Sirius, which he did. Past that, they hadn’t gotten around to becoming friends. So of course no one has told him what happened. James didn’t call him because he was too focused on actually taking care of Sirius. So now he has to say the words again. It might just break him.
“Remus-” he feels like he might throw up, he can’t do it.
“What did he do? Whatever you need me to do to fix it, I will.”
Sirius swallows his feelings for long enough to get the words out. “He’s.. he’s dead. He’s gone.”
“I’m coming.” The line clicks off.
It’s not long before he’s at the door. Regulus knocks first, because he isn’t one to just barge into anyone’s home. But when Sirius doesn’t answer he lets himself in anyway. Throwing the manners that have been drilled into him since childhood out the window. If the situation weren’t what it is, Sirius would poke fun at him for it. He usually does.
Without acknowledging the surely pathetic sight before him, Regulus just walks in and sits down with him. He takes Sirius’ head into his lap and cards his fingers through his hair. Just as Sirius used to do with him when they were younger. That’s another thing, this is the reverse of their old roles. Regulus was more the one who needed comfort as kids, while Sirius kept a brave face through everything their mother put them through. He doesn’t seem to mind.
“I’ve got you.” He doesn’t say it will be okay, he isn’t one to lie.
They don’t move to the couch or to a more comfortable position. The floor is the best place right now, Sirius has decided. Things can still hurt him here, but it’s easier to pretend. Maybe it only makes sense to him, but here on the floor nothing else is expected of him. He’s not letting anyone down while he’s here. If he were to get up, more would be expected from him and he would fail. Either Regulus understands this or he is just going with whatever Sirius wants right now, but that’s where they stay. Even after their bodies grow sore from the hard wooden floor beneath them.
Sirius watches as his brother tries to soothe him. Being comforting has never been a quality he has or boasts, but he is helping. Having someone here just holding onto him helps. It’s better than yesterday, at least Sirius thinks it was yesterday, when everyone was trying to do something and all he could do was cry or stare off until he zoned out. Regulus has no expectations for him and that means more than he knows how to express.
It doesn’t bother or phase him when Regulus pulls out his phone. His life also doesn’t stop when Sirius needs or asks for him, even if he did drop what he was doing to rush over here. He is more than welcome to carry on his life while he’s here with him. From how he’s lying, Sirius is able to see his phone and he doesn’t mean to read it, but he sees Remus’ name, so it catches his attention. He focuses his eyes on the messages and finds that Regulus is texting James to find out what happened.
Good, yeah that’s good. He wouldn’t know how to say it. Even though what happened is very simple, the words just don’t make sense in his brain. Remus got hit by a car while going to pick up their pizza, and now he’s gone. It literally is so ridiculous that if Remus weren’t actually dead, Sirius might laugh. When people die it is supposed to be a big thing, it doesn’t just happen like this. People don’t die while doing mundane things. They’re supposed to get sick and die or if it’s out of the blue it’s something bigger, something rarer. Not while picking up pizza.
The hours of the day pass by quicker than expected. No one else comes by the flat, but he assumes Regulus told James he had it covered. Or something along those lines. The peace and quiet is nice, except for how loud his thoughts are able to be. That’s the worst part of it. No one expects anything of him, but he does expect more and better from himself. He just, he can’t. His brother doesn’t expect much from him. He just sits with him and does his own thing, scrolling on his phone.
Every once in a while he looks up at Sirius, making sure he’s there, that he’s alive. That he isn’t withering away. The last part is only partially true, because he feels like he is wasting away without purpose, without something to tether him. Regulus seems to know that, but he keeps an eye on him anyway. Sirius stares out the window, it’s the easiest place to look. During the day it stays the same and it helps him to not look at things that distinctly remind him of Remus, like the entire flat.
As the sun sets, he’s more aware of the time passing and the continually increasing time since he last saw Remus. He’s never going to see him again, and a time will come when it’s been longer since he saw him than the amount of time he knew him. Sirius never wants that day to come even if he knows it will.
So Sirius watches the sky through the window and Regulus watches Sirius until the moon is high in the sky.
“Why don’t you get some sleep?” He offers.
“Are you saying I look tired, how rude.” Sirius argues back, but without the typical brotherly snark it should come with. “I don’t want to.”
“It will help. I’ll stay the night, you won’t be alone.”
Everything feels even weirder with his brother being nice to him. It emphasizes that things are not right. That something terrible has happened. They love each other, of course they do, but they don’t act like this. They don’t coddle one another. There has never been anything so bad to warrant it. Until now, Sirius thinks.
He sighs and swallows his pride. “I’m scared to.”
The room is quiet, more than it has been. His words hang in the air, no clear response to them. In all these years, he’s never actually admitted fear to his little brother. No matter how many times he has been scared, he just would never show it. There is no point in him hiding it today, especially not after all of the tears he shed.
It’s been a few hours since he was crying. His cheeks are finally dry, though his head feels as though it’s about to start pounding with a headache. Sirius knows that sleep would be good for him, but he doesn’t want to. The unknown of what waits for him behind his eyelids is what terrifies him. He can’t just not sleep for the rest of his life, but if he could…
Without tears to blur his vision, and having been pulled back to reality by his brother’s voice, he starts to feel suffocated. By life, by the air, by everything. And even more so by the flat. It doesn’t feel right, and at first he doesn’t know why. It’s just a place to live, and one that he hasn’t even lived in a full week. But the last time he slept in the bed in the other room, his limbs were tangled with Remus’. the last time he woke up here, Remus was making coffee in the kitchen.
And that’s why Sirius can’t sleep. Why he can’t breathe. Why he can’t live .
“I’m not going anywhere, yeah? We can make a fort like we used to or whatever you need.” Regulus says sincerely.
He shakes his head. “I can’t stay here. Reg, I can’t. Not alone, not without him…”
“Okay.” He closes his phone and directs his full attention to Sirius. “You’ll come stay with me. Until you can come back here.”
Without protesting, the brothers grab a few things and leave. Regulus does most of the work, getting a toothbrush and a hairbrush, and remembering a phone charger for Sirius. They spend the ten minute drive to Regulus’ flat in silence. Both of them always have music playing and today has been the most silent the world has ever been in the presence of the brothers. Neither of them try to change it. Sirius isn’t sure what to say, so he says nothing, and Regulus seems to know that nothing he would say would help right now.
He looks out the car window at the moon for most of the time. It keeps the world illuminated, if only faintly. There are quite a few clouds tonight so the stars are mostly hidden, but not the moon. Sirius is reminded of a time months ago when they tried to go stargazing. It was right around his birthday, but not on his birthday because other plans were already made by his friends. As a little kid he had always loved looking out at the sky on his birthday, it reminded him how big the world was and how much more was out there. Always so young with so much left.
That was the only birthday he got to spend with Remus. In a few days it would have been his birthday, and as bad as it is, Sirius wishes he could forget that. He doesn’t want to spend it alone, without Remus. It’s going to be a bad day. Just as today is a bad day and everyday from now is a bad day. But that day will be worse.
They pull up to his flat and Regulus grabs all of the things that were scattered across the backseat. “I’ll make something to eat, then you should sleep. Anything specific you want?”
Sirius freezes, but quickly tries to recover. “No, it's fine. I’m not really hungry.”
Which isn’t exactly a lie. He isn’t hungry. He ate at some point recently, but it’s anyone's guess when that was. It probably wasn’t anything substantial, but Sirius can’t remember. Finally he does think sleep is the better option.
“If you’re sure. You can take my room, come get me if you need anything.” He doesn’t argue with him.
As soon as his head hits the pillow, sleep comes much easier than anticipated. As someone who practically always tosses and turns and replays every moment of their life before falling asleep each night, the speed at which his eyes droop shut shocks him. There’s no battle against sleep. This time sleep is on his side, though that’s surely because he had been fighting it for the last two days. It welcomes him warmly and he almost feels like things will be okay.
His eyes open to a new day. Bright and sunny, but not too sunny that it’s hard to go out without sunglasses. There’s a breeze that lets you know it’s still early spring and he is comfortable in a jumper. The trees around him are beginning to blossom. Hadn’t it just been a cold late winter day? Sirius is not one to complain about the cold weather leaving sooner than expected. He spots his now favourite bench not far ahead of him and keeps walking there.
As he sits down, as if by magic Remus appears right next to him. A smile blooms across his face and he looks over to him with all of the fondness in the world. His hair is a bit grown out past where he likes it to be, but Sirius thinks it makes him even more lovely. There’s more hair for him to tangle his fingers in. Not to mention there is a strand that never stays in place and falls in front of his forehead, which is utterly adorable.
Remus hands him a coffee cup and a protein bar, the staples in the Sirius Black diet. He sips on what Sirius assumes is a chai latte and reaches out to link their hands. The park around them is quieter than usual. Only the sounds of birds chirping and Remus’ breathing. Sirius rests his head on his shoulder and is now close enough to also hear his heartbeat. Their breathing syncs and he is so relaxed he could doze off right here.
Something about being with Remus calms him more than anything else. His mind and body feel at peace. He isn’t always able to slow down and appreciate things, but with Remus he can. With him Sirius is reminded to breathe and savor every moment. Nothing else seems to matter but being here with him.
They stay there for so long and yet still no one comes through the park. Not a single other person passes by. The time continues without a change in the sky. Remus holds his hand and squeezes it every once in a while. Three times to say I’m right here, three times to say me and you, three times to say I love you, three times.
Three squeezes.
I love you.
Three final squeezes and then Sirius blinks three times, opening his eyes to a momentarily unfamiliar place. His eyes are heavy and tired so he rubs at them with one hand. Despite knowing that he’s not in his own bed, by both the look of the room and the feel of the blanket covering him, he takes the same hand he just wiped his eyes with and feels around the bed next to him. Sirius isn’t looking for his phone, though that is often the first thing he looks at in the morning.
Confusion sets in when the bed proves to be empty beside him. There should be an arm draped over his hip. A soft light touch, compared to the clinging form of cuddling that Sirius prefers. No one is there, but he pats the bed a few times just to be sure. A frown that’s more pout than anything settles on his face.
“Remus?” He calls out, ignoring that he isn’t even sure where he is right now. No one answers, so he yells a bit louder. “Remus! It’s too early for you to be out of bed.”
Still, there’s no answer. Though after the second attempt, someone comes to the bedroom door.
“Regulus? What-” Oh.
As his brother’s face forms into a cross between sadness, pity, and concern, Sirius starts to realize he’s been mistaken. Regulus’ eyes fill with sadness and it almost looks as if he might start crying. His heart drops and the memories of the last few days begin to rush in again. The reason why he didn’t want to sleep in the first place.
“He’s… Sirius, I'm sorry.” Even he doesn’t want to say it.
Having to remind someone the love of their life is dead isn’t something anyone wants to do. Breaking someone’s heart again. He can’t stop the tears, they roll down his face before he knew they were in his eyes. Remus is dead and he’s the idiot who forgot. The idiot who thought that he could just wake up and have him right next to him in the bed ready to carry on living.
That’s never going to happen again and he isn’t sure how to cope with that. Sirius doesn’t know how he can keep going if this is how every morning will be. A harsh reminder of the reality he now lives in.