Chapter 1
NOW
The flat is covered in boxes. So many boxes. To be fair they only moved in two days ago, but not a single thing has been unpacked yet. Packing up both of their old flats was enough work, it really is just too much to also need to unpack already. Sirius doesn’t quite mind though. His life has always been a bit of a mess, so living out of boxes is light work. He’s content just living in the same place as Remus, why would they also need all of their belongings organized?
“Do we have any food?” Sirius calls out from the spare room.
It’s technically the guest room, though it’s going to mostly act as his studio. They don’t have it set up as either really. Sirius had all of the boxes with his art supplies placed in here as a start. Since moving in, and likely for the foreseeable future, he doesn’t plan to go to the usual studio. He would much rather stay here and bask in the company of his husband. A smile finds itself across his face at the word. Husband . It’s so new and fresh and makes him feel like a lovesick fool. So yeah, the guest room is going to end up as his studio even if Remus thinks it will serve better as a guest room for whenever they have friends staying over.
“I’m going to tell you the same thing as I did when you asked yesterday.” He yells back.
“So we’re having take away again?”
He can practically hear the eye roll that he’s sure he is on the receiving end of. “Any preference tonight?”
“I’d like pizza, I think. Is that alright with you?” Sirius hopes the answer is yes, he is already starving and their pizza place is just a short walk away.
They only just moved here, but coincidentally or maybe entirely purposefully, the pizza place they went to on one of their first dates is nearby. When they were deciding on a neighborhood to move to, neither of them wanted to just move into the other’s flat. So they moved right between their old places as a compromise. It worked out perfectly because they couldn’t have found a better place. Not to mention the deal on rent is insane for how nice it is. They had walked past this building multiple times in the past few months, always saying how nice it looked.
The previous tenants kept flower boxes out of the windows and just made it look so inviting. Sirius has no idea how they got so lucky for it to be available just as they were ready to move. One girl moving out even offered to leave her plants since she wouldn’t be able to easily move them. They bring so much life to the flat. Despite all of the boxes it already feels like home. Warm and inviting. Nothing like anywhere Sirius has lived before. Though he isn’t sure if that’s because of the space itself, or the company.
“I will always have pizza from there. Let me call in our order and then we can go pick it up. I am absolutely not paying a delivery fee now that it’s right around the corner.” Remus laughs as he dials the phone.
Over the last few weeks Sirius has been too busy to spend time on any of his paintings. There were a few that he left unfinished before life got in the way. Now that they’re more settled he wants to make more progress. There isn’t another gallery opening he’s working toward yet, but being ahead for the next one in a few months will be good. Last time he was so far behind that it was honestly stressful.
As he paints, Remus comes in and sits on the windowsill. There’s no furniture in here, so the options are the floor, the window, or on a box. Typically Remus would go for the floor, so by his choice Sirius assumes his back has been bothering him. Sitting up rather than slouching is probably better for him. Neither of them comment on it.
This piece is a drawing that Sirius did months ago. It’s of their building, but he started it long before they could call it theirs. He loves it. And he’s not normally one to love his own work. But painting something that he adores so much makes it easy to just get in the zone. Painting, especially now with how at peace Sirius feels, is freeing. It’s like the brushes have a mind of their own with how easily the canvas starts to fill with paint.
“You’ve almost finished it. Do you know what you’re going to paint next?”
Sirius smiles. “I think I might do another one of my favourite subject. If you’ll let me.”
There are a few paintings of Remus scattered among their things. Sirius’ favourite one is probably the first one he ever did before they even really knew each other. Mostly because he was somehow already able to capture him perfectly. Not just by looks, but through the emotion and underlying personality. But now that they have each other for forever, and know each other much better than a few months ago, Sirius wants to paint him again. It’s been a bit since he has, so why not. Even if that means their flat will end up covered in paintings of Remus.
“If you insist. Of course I’ll sit for a painting, baby.” He teases. “Oh, I should run out and get our food. They said it would be ready soon.”
“Don’t take too long!” He calls as Remus grabs his keys and the door latches shut.
Without the obvious distraction of him, Sirius goes back to putting the finishing touches on this painting. The highlights on the flowers in the window, the little shadows from where the paint on the corner has started to fade, the sunlight hitting the windows. Details have always been his favourite to paint. They really allow art to come to life. Sirius has been an artist for as long as he can remember. As a kid he used it as a way to escape, but eventually started to take it more seriously. He was able to make painting his profession and make a living off of it.
Most people are able to draw if they put their mind to it. He’s watched people who think they aren’t artistically gifted draw things quite well. If you have a reference it’s not that hard. But the tricky part is bringing the work to life and creating something that pulls you into the scene and allows you to feel something from it. That's what he loves about art. He wants to make people feel. Some of his paintings are dark and sad scenes, but people resonate with these sentiments. It’s the best part of it. Especially when his work is hung in galleries and he can watch as people react to them.
This one will be done by the time Remus returns. Well, Sirius could stare at it and find new details to add for hours and days, but he shouldn’t. When he has done that in the past he grows to dislike the painting entirely. And this isn’t one he wants to lose the love for. It’s their home, it’s perfect as it is.
He gets pulled from his focus by the sound of sirens. They don’t live in the quietest area, though sirens aren’t one of the usual background noises. There isn’t a hospital or fire station or police station within earshot, so it isn’t expected. A few moments after the first blaring siren, he sees the lights. The red and blue flood the streets and reflect into the flat through the wide windows. It grows closer and closer until the lights stop moving.
They remain flashing not even a block away from the flat. Sirius’ heartbeat quickens. He’s never liked sirens or anything that comes with them. No one does though, but he especially doesn’t. They make him feel uneasy. A knot forms in his stomach and bubbles up to his throat. He’s choking on it and he is frozen in his spot, but his mind is telling him to go to the window. To see what is happening. He has to go look.
Remus is out there and much closer to what is happening. That’s the first thought he has. Not that anything would have happened to him, just that he is near the scene. Sirius hopes that it isn’t anything bad, and that Remus isn’t watching some horrible car crash or anything. It might not even be anything bad. He hasn’t even looked out the window to see if it’s the police or an ambulance.
Then more sirens come. More than there ever should be. More than enough to know that it’s bad. The lights continue to flood into the flat. Yet, Sirius still can’t bring himself to walk over and look out. It’s like when you can’t look away from a car crash, but the opposite. He can’t look.
He just- he can’t.
Because if he does and sees what the deepest part of his mind thinks he might see, that would be it. He wouldn’t be able to move ever again. So if he just doesn’t look then it won’t be true and it won’t be happening. It becomes real when he acknowledges it. It’s simple really, he’ll just stand here forever. In a few minutes Remus will return with their pizza and then everything can carry on. Life can continue. Their forever that just began, can truly be their forever.
If life was that easy, nothing bad would ever happen. People just wouldn’t pay attention to the messy shit, and then it wouldn’t be there at all. Everything would be great and everyone would be happy. That’s how things should be. Good things that come easily. Bad things wouldn’t come at inconvenient times. People’s lives wouldn’t change in the matter of moments. At least not for worse.
That isn’t how real life works. Sirius can’t just remain frozen. When the sirens continue and he can no longer hear himself think, he takes the first step. Everything rushes in once he moves. The yelling outside can now be heard over the sirens, the crowd of people on the street is visible through the lights. Though from up here Sirius still can’t see what is happening in the center of it all. In his mind Remus is safely in the pizza shop.
In reality, he is not.
It only takes a minute for him to race down the stairs and less than a minute after that to reach the scene of the commotion. And in those two minutes, his entire world comes crashing down. His worst fears come true.
Remus is lying on a stretcher being attended to by paramedics. A car sits slightly crushed half on the sidewalk, half in the road. One ambulance has its doors shut and is starting to drive away. People are yelling and screaming and trying to stop Sirius from walking closer. There are hands on him pushing him away, he hates that. He hates when people shove at him, but he barely registers it. They don’t succeed at keeping him away.
His ears are ringing and he’s stumbling through the crowd until nothing stands between him and the stretcher. Laying there motionless is the love of his life, his husband. Just as he makes it there, the paramedics seem to be slowing their movements. Sirius can’t be quite sure if that’s true, everything feels like it's in slow motion now. Except one by one they walk away from Remus. They’re probably saying something to Sirius, but he doesn’t want to hear it.
He looks just like himself, just the same as he did twenty minutes ago. But he isn’t moving and he isn’t breathing. The color in his face slowly drains and it doesn’t look like it’s coming back. There’s gashes on his arms and skid marks from the pavement across one cheek. It’s not right. He isn’t meant to look like this. His old scars are covered by dirt and blood and new wounds. Sirius doesn’t want to see him like this, but he can’t look away. He shouldn’t. In sickness and health, right?
All he wants to hear is Remus’ voice. Or the sound of his breathing. Anything.
“Sir!” A voice finally breaks through the ringing in his ears. “Sir, you need to back up.”
“He- No. He’s my husband. Help him. You have to help him right now. You- Wh- Why the fuck aren’t any of you doing anything? Fucking help him!” He stumbles through his words, not even sure what he’s saying.
A hand is placed on his shoulder. A woman not much older than him. “Sir, we’ve done what we could. We tried.”
“No! Just- do something! Please… please help him. Please…” The plea comes out strained.
“He was gone before we arrived.” The woman says.
She tries to turn Sirius to face her. To turn him away from Remus. He won’t budge. Sirius can’t take his eyes off of him. He reaches a hand out to grasp onto his hand. Usually Remus meets him in the middle, both always wanting to hold onto the other. He doesn’t this time. That’s what breaks him.
Sirius’ knees give out and he falls. Before he hits the ground the woman catches him, but he would rather have hit the ground. If his world is going to shatter, he can shatter with it. What is he meant to do now?
“Can I call someone for you?” She asks once he is safely sitting on the curb.
Remus, he thinks. Sure Sirius has other people in his life, but Remus is it. That’s his person. He doesn't want anyone else right now. All he needs is Remus to hold him and tell him everything will be alright. that this was all just a bad dream. That’s what it feels like. That has to be what this is.
They just got married, they just moved in together, they just met.
It all happens too fast. Just like everything they have ever done. Ironic, isn’t it? Sirius’ entire world comes to an end just as quickly as it started. six months ago they had just met, and what? This is it? There’s nothing he can do to stop their forever from ending too soon.
The woman asks if he wants to ride in the ambulance to the hospital, but he can’t. Sirius can’t get himself to get up off the curb and go anywhere. Even if they already declared him dead, he doesn’t want to go to the hospital where they will sign the papers and make it official. It’s just not fair. Their marriage certificate was signed less than two weeks ago, and now Remus’ death certificate is being signed.
It’s now that he realizes the certificate of their marriage hadn’t even come in the post yet. Everything was official when they got married but they had to send it off somewhere to be properly documented and said it would get to them within the month. It hasn’t arrived and Remus is never going to see it come.
Sirius hasn’t shed any tears. Shouldn’t he be crying? Most people would be crying. He faintly recalls seeing people crying just looking at the scene of the car crash. But not Sirius, his eyes are bone dry. Drier than usual. He’s been staring off for so long now. It might not be that long, but the ambulance is gone and there is a truck making its way down the street to take the car away. The car that killed Remus. Good, he wants that gone. He doesn’t want it anywhere near their flat. Ruining the perfect image of it.
People have come and asked him if he’s okay or if he needs anything or if they can call someone for him. Sirius doesn’t answer. Before he couldn’t hear anyone, he was blocking out everything that wasn’t Remus. Now he’s choosing not to respond. He does genuinely appreciate the concern, he’s not trying to be rude. The problem is that he doesn’t have anything to say. There’s nothing anyone can do to help or make this any better, so it’s best that he just not respond. Maybe he can just sit here and waste away forever.
His phone rings and he realizes he didn’t even know he grabbed it before rushing out of the flat. It’s only been thirty minutes. How funny. Thirty minutes ago Remus walked outside to pick up their dinner while Sirius finished his painting, and now look at them. The caller ID shows that it isn’t one of his friends, it’s the pizza place. They’ve gone so many times that he knows it's them. The owner and most of the workers know them. They know Sirius and Remus well enough to know that if one of them puts down their number with their take away order, they can call either one if anything is needed. He knows they’re calling to ask why no one has picked up their order. Every time they have called in an order they’ve arrived to pick it up before it is ready, so being over twenty minutes late is odd.
Sirius doesn’t answer. He just lets it ring and ring and ring. This works to his benefit because it drowns out the noise of the street that has started to return to normal and has replaced it with the ringing that was there before. It’s better if he can zone out and not have to think about any of this. It’ll all go away eventually. This isn’t forever, he just doesn’t know how to fix it.
The second call to come through is once again the pizza shop. Rather than letting it ring, Sirius declines the call and blocks the number. He won’t be going there again, not without Remus. The third call to come through he hangs up on without looking to see who it is. The fourth comes through and it’s a number he doesn’t recognize, but for some reason he answers anyway.
“Is this Sirius Black?” A soft voice comes through the speaker.
“Lu- yes, this is him.” He almost corrects them, though remembers in the middle that he hasn’t officially changed his name yet.
Can he still do that?
“You are listed as the emergency contact for Mr. Remus Lupin, yes?”
No words come to him. What is he meant to say to that? Of course he is the emergency contact to his husband. But he already knows what happened and he really doesn’t need it repeated over the phone by someone who doesn’t know either of them. By someone who just relays bad news to people who can’t take anything bad in their lives anymore. It’s not their fault, but that doesn’t change how Sirius feels about it.
When he doesn’t respond, they continue. “A paramedic told me you might already know what happened. I wanted to give you this call to let you know that while you are the emergency contact, we require his next of kin to come and sign the paperwork. I have that listed as Hope Lupin here, will you and her be coming together? We are happy to help you both sort everything o-”
The call drops. More specifically, Sirius cuts it off.
Happy to help you sort everything out. No. Absolutely not. He doesn’t want to do that because he knows that Remus should be coming back here without a scratch on him any minute now. And then the rest of what was said makes its way to his brain. Next of kin, Hope. Sirius isn’t his next of kin yet because their marriage certificate hasn’t been processed yet. How fucking ridiculous is that? He could almost laugh, if that wasn’t the worst thing he has ever heard.
Hope. That’s his mum, right? Sirius hasn’t met her, though he recalls Remus talking about her fondly. She’s back in Wales as far as he knows, so she won’t be making it into town until late. Will she know where to find Remus or where to find Sirius or their flat? He hopes so. Logically he could find her number in Remus’ phone and send her a message, though his phone is probably in his belongings at the hospital.
And Sirius is not going there. Going there makes it all more real. He keeps saying that. Maybe it’s redundant or contradictory, but he doesn’t care. Each step he’s taken has made it feel more and more real and he just wants it to stop. Sirius wants to go in reverse and stop it all before it could happen. That is not possible, so he will just stay right here for the rest of time to avoid this becoming his reality.
It just doesn’t make sense how he could be here one second and gone the next. Sirius likes when it works the other way around. Like the day they met. One second he was painting a landscape of the park, the next the most beautiful person he had ever seen sat down on the bench across from him. That’s the way things are supposed to go. Things happen in the blink of an eye. Good things . Not bad. Bad things are meant to take time and be long and drawn out. When bad things happen to people they are usually begging for them to be over quicker, and they aren’t.
This time when Sirius spaces out, time does move quite a bit. It was already starting to grow dark before, but now the moon is high in the sky that is littered with stars. There is no doubt that it’s much later than it was when he had been painting. The street is now quiet and serene. Anyone who walked down it now would have no idea what happened here earlier. There is no evidence that this is where Sirius’ world ended.
It ends up being James to pull him back to earth. “Sirius? Mate, what’s wrong?”
Oh, right. James was coming by tonight after work to see the new flat and potentially unpack some boxes. And now… He doesn’t know what happened. Sirius is sure that the sight of him could give away everything, but in the end he still has to say it.
“Remus. He- He’s gone…” It becomes real. Too fucking real.
“Gone? Like he left? Oh I’ll kill him, I’ll-”
“No. He’s dead. There’s no one for you to kill.” If things weren’t the way they are, Sirius would have been able to laugh at the irony of the sentiment.
His face drops and he piles onto Sirius with his arms spread wide. He can’t bring his own arms up to accept and return the hug, but James doesn’t seem to mind. Soothing words are whispered into his ear as comforting fingers run through his hair. None of it matters, it doesn’t make him feel any better. There isn’t anything in the world that could bring him the peace he needs right now.
“Come on, let’s get upstairs and lay down.” James tries to coax him up.
Sirius doesn’t move a muscle. He can’t go in there, not without Remus. It’s their home but it doesn’t feel like home without him. Not that he’s tried, but he already knows. He doesn’t have to go up there to know what it will feel like. It will feel sad and haunted and so incredibly empty. The boxes that have yet to be unpacked won’t help either. If their things were set up in every corner of the flat then maybe it would be okay. Because then it might still feel like Remus and smell like Remus and remind him of Remus. But it’s just an empty flat with too many boxes and bare walls.
“No. I can’t. I’m just… I’ll stay right here.” It’s the beginning of March, it’s too cold to stay out here all night.
But that’s exactly what Sirius is going to do. He didn’t pull on a jumper before running out because he hadn’t expected to be out for so long. He hadn’t expected any of this. Tomorrow or the next day or one of the days after that, he’ll figure out where he will go long term and what to do from here, but not now.
The chill in the air only grows more crisp. He should be cold. Sirius knows that if anything right now he should be shivering. Except he isn’t. It is cold, but he doesn’t really feel it. The wind blows and the only reason he knows that is that his hair is flowing. Not all of it because he had it tied up while he was painting earlier. At some point the front strands that are shorter than the rest fell out of the tie and are being dragged in front of his eyes by the breeze.
Vaguely he is aware that James is still with him. He left briefly and then returned, likely getting warm clothes to stay in. After a particularly big gust of wind, something falls heavy on Sirius’ shoulders. It’s soft and blocks the air a bit. James must have gotten a blanket after realizing that he was not going to go inside.
There is no logical reason for him to remain sitting out here. It’s not going to bring Remus back. He just can’t move. Their flat is within view, if he were to turn his head around. He doesn’t, he doesn’t want to look at it right now. It would only make him sad. Sirius has resigned himself to staying here on the curb for as long as he needs to. Though he doesn’t know how long that will be or what will be the force to get him to move. His world came to a crashing halt, and so did he. Everything in his immediate future was about Remus. He doesn’t think there is a point in doing anything other than sit here without him.
Time continues to move. Fast or slow, he can’t tell. Sirius might have dozed off throughout the night, but if he did it felt like nothing more than a blink. The scene in front of him hasn’t changed at all, except that the sun is rising. Everything was easier to handle in his mind when it was dark. He could convince himself that it was all a dream when the moon and the stars were out. But here in the light of day with the morning sun beating down on him, he can’t run from it.
This sun, while it is the same sun as every other day, has never seen Remus. Today is a day that Remus has not met. These thoughts should break him, he should feel overwhelming sadness. The thing with Sirius is that he has dealt with pain, he has suffered, he has felt sad and hopeless before in his life. But nothing like this. Nothing before felt the same as this.
All of the pain he knew growing up was bad. It’s been there for so long, but there was never anything good to come of it. All of his sadness when he was younger, was just that. Sadness. There were never any bright spots among the sadness, it was never something he loved turned bad. And that’s the difference. He could deal with that, he knew what to expect from that. This is not the same. This is the world taking the best thing he ever knew away. This is emptiness like he’s never known before.
But the tears don’t come. His eyes are dry and all he can do is stare straight ahead.
The words his best friend is saying pass around him. They don’t go in one ear and out the other, they never enter his mind at all. Whether he’s blocking it out on purpose or not, Sirius isn’t sure. But he does know that there is not a single thing anyone could say to make this better. Aside from someone waking him up from the worst dream he has ever had. That’s what he needs right now.
Slowly something new comes into his line of sight. Two feet walking closer and closer until they stop directly in front of him. Not too close, but close enough. It takes him a second to lift his head to see who is attached to these feet, but he manages.
“Hello,” The woman says.
Her voice is soft and sweet like honey. It’s familiar in both accent and warmth. Sirius knows that for sure. He doesn’t know much about this woman, but he is certain that her name is Hope Lupin and she is the mother of the best man he has ever known. He only wishes they were meeting for a better reason.
“Hi,” Sirius chokes out, throat incredibly dry. “Hope?”
“Yes, dear. And you are? I was told this is where my son lived.”
Almost. He almost lived here. Can that even be true if their boxes are all still full and only just arrived here?
“I- I’m Sirius.” He isn’t sure how much more to say. He knows who she is of course, but does she know him?
“I assume you know…” Hope sniffs back a few tears. “Knew, Remus? I’m afraid I don’t know who you are sweetheart. You look freezing, let’s go inside to chat. Come along.”
It stuns him. She doesn’t know him. Admittedly parents are never on the forefront of his mind. He does what he can to never think about his own mother, so he never thought to ask about Remus’ or to invite her to their wedding, or really for anything. But surely he would have told her about him. Right?
There’s not much else for him to do now other than lead Hope into the empty flat. The warmth upon walking through the door feels great. At least while they’re in the corridor. Once the door to the flat opens, a chill washes back over him. A key piece of the flat is missing and it’s left a gaping hole. One that allows the cold to rush in and push out the happiness that used to live here.
“What’s with all of the boxes?” She sets her bag down - no it’s a bag of Remus’ things - and looks around skeptically.
“We just moved in.” Sirius admits and it sounds like the saddest thing in the world.
“He didn't tell me he was moving. Sorry, dear. You said your name was Sirius? Did I get that right?”
It appears that she’s just as unsure of how to do anything at the moment. Her brain is equally as scrambled as Sirius’. He lost the love of his life and she lost a son. That wasn’t something either woke up prepared to face yesterday, and yet here they are. Facing it anyway. They’re both alone in different ways. No one can really understand how either is feeling, and no one can even try. Sirius doesn’t know what it feels like to lose a child, much less one that she must have loved so much.
“That’s right. Can- Can I get you anything?” He finds himself offering help. It comes easier than dealing with anything at the current moment.
“No, no it’s alright. You and Remus, you…” He can tell she is trying to ask how they know each other and it kills him.
“We er- we just got married. About two weeks ago. No wait, 11 days. Yeah it was the 20th of February.”
What happens next he doesn’t expect. Hope crosses the room and wraps her arms around him. She doesn’t say anything at first, but she doesn’t have to. Sirius just falls into her arms, his head dropping against her shoulder.
This is when the tears finally break free. It’s not that he was holding them back intentionally, but now the dam is open. Now he doesn’t see an end in sight. With his head buried against Hope’s shoulder, he sobs. Her shirt is quickly soaked and stained with tears, though she doesn’t shed any herself.
At first he thinks that she’s just fine . If it were his mother she would be. But as she runs her fingers through Sirius’ hair and gently soothes him as he chokes on his own sobs, he can tell she’s keeping it together for him. Hope should be able to break down too, she shouldn’t have to do this for him. If he had more energy he would tell her that. He would say that she can cry too, that they can get through this together.
He doesn’t manage to do that. The two of them simply stand in the middle of the flat clinging to each other. For hours. Until their legs are too tired to hold them up so they move to the sofa where Sirius curls up like a child with his head in her lap. Mother and child, and in a way that’s what they are. He is her son in law after all.
“You must have really loved each other.” She softly says just as Sirius finally felt himself starting to doze off. His mouth opens but the words don’t make a sound, so he nods. “I’m really glad he had you.”All Sirius wants is for her to say that it will be okay. She won’t say it, it would be a lie. Just because she is taking care of him now doesn’t stop the fact that she is hurting too.
They stay like that for most of the day. There isn’t anything else to do, nothing else worth doing. Sirius knows that he drifts to sleep eventually, mostly because when his eyes flick open again, Hope is across the room rather than next to him. She’s looking around, though not fully going through any of the boxes. He sits up and his entire body is sore. Physically and mentally. Sirius stretches his arms above his head before pulling his knees to his chest and dropping his head to rest on them.
“Did you paint this?” Hope’s voice sounds more strained than before, so he can only assume she let herself cry while he slept.
At this he looks up and wants to cry all over again. “On the first day I met him.”