Chapter 4
Since the more than awkward breakfast that morning Sirius had determined to keep to himself for the rest of the day. To give Remus space, despite not wanting to, because he clearly didn’t want to talk to him, even if it was breaking Sirius’s heart. It wasn’t that he had expected to be welcomed back with open arms and not the slightest hint of anger after what he did, but… he hadn’t exactly expected this either. For Remus to be so rough with him, and not in the fun way that Sirius liked, the resentful way that Sirius knew he deserved but was sore from regardless. Was sore from his Moony, who always used to treat him so well, rubbing him raw with every sharply cut off sentence that came out of his mouth. Like he wanted to say something worse but just barely managed to restrain himself.
Sirius couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt, to be so unwanted and irritating to the person that he adored and revered more than anything. His Moony, who used to idly run his fingers through Sirius’s hair and tell him just how sweet and pretty he was. And Sirius would believe anything that came out of Remus’s mouth, so he always believed Remus when he complimented him. But Remus wasn’t saying any of that now. Only ‘don’t,’ and ‘stop,’ and ‘I can’t do this right now’. Anything to get Sirius to stop talking when he used to listen to him rave about subjects Sirius knew he didn’t care about with a hand on his hip and content hums every once in a while with interest that was hardly even feigned.
But the more Sirius contemplated all that he had lost—knowing that it was his own fault that he had, so he couldn’t really be complaining in the first place—the more he was breaking his own heart. Missing Remus so much more and wanting him more desperately than he had any right to. So he had to focus on something else, anything else.
The easiest thing to focus on, the sorry state that his hair was in. Tangled and dirty from his travel by foot through the beginnings of the storm, he knew that it needed a brushing and a shower, so Sirius could carefully work through the knots with his fingers and scrub out all the grime that had collected at his scalp. But he wasn’t sure if he could ask Remus to use his shower, and inevitably his shampoo and conditioner—because Sirius hadn’t really packed for this somewhat unplanned trip—when Remus had already given him so much, and was clearly on edge because of his presence. And he had promised not to disturb Remus today, Sirius painfully reminded himself.
Plus, he couldn’t just use the shower without asking. He had seen what had happened with the socks. And Sirius really didn’t want to displease Remus any more than he already had. He hated it when Remus was mad at him. Really truly hated it. But he would have to bear it until Remus could find it within himself to maybe forgive Sirius. After all, it wasn’t as if Sirius didn’t deserve whatever anger Remus held towards him.
Sadly, Sirius picked through his dry and somewhat grungy hair, wincing as he tried to undo the knots with his fingers and wishing that he could go back in time to when Remus used to do this for him. Remus’s hands so much warmer and gentler than his own.
. . .
Hogwarts, Seventh Year:
It was late autumn and Sirius had found himself in quite a predicament. Sirius had fairly severely sprained his wrist—and maybe also broken a few bones there that were healing up quickly enough that he didn’t feel the need to mention them—and thanks to that had his hand in a cast. He had been fooling around during a quidditch game with James and fallen off his broom, getting a good scolding for it from Remus, who told him that he was lucky he just sprained his wrist and never to do it again.
‘I’m just worried about your safety, love, you can’t be putting yourself in dangerous situations that I can’t protect you from.’ Remus had explained with a kiss to Sirius’s temple when Sirius had thought that he was disappointed in him. A sweet memory that Sirius liked to hang onto when he started feeling disappointed in himself on Remus’s behalf.
But Sirius’s problem was that thanks to his injury he couldn’t effectively wash his hair—having to keep one hand out of the water and not being able to move his fingers any more than the cast allowed (which wasn’t much). Which meant he either had to not wash his hair for a little over a month, or go with an idea Sirius was much more fond of: seeking out help from his boyfriend.
“Moooons?” He called in a singsong voice through the open bathroom door to grab the attention of Remus, who was reading on his bed. Not looking up, Remus hummed in acknowledgement.
“I can’t shower,” Sirius complained as he climbed onto Remus’s bed to get him to pay him more attention. Remus glanced up once then returned to his book, a slight smile creeping onto his face as he did.
“I think that’s a bit dramatic Pads, you just have to keep your hand out of the water,” Remus reminded Sirius, not at all unkindly.
“But I can’t wash my hair, Moons,” Sirius whined, throwing his uninjured arm over his face dramatically. Remus brought one hand down to card through Sirius’s—tragically dirty— hair and scratch at his scalp.
“Hm, so you just need a bit of help with that then, don’t you darling?” Remus hummed pleasantly, already catching up with what Sirius was about to ask him for. Reluctant to leave Remus’s hand which felt so good in his hair, but distracted by his Moony's unexpected offer, Sirius popped up cheerfully.
“Do you mean it Re? You’d help me wash my hair?” Sirius really hoped that he did mean it. He could probably ask James, but that wouldn’t be quite as much fun, and Sirius doubted James’s hands would be quite as skilled or feel anywhere near as good dancing over his scalp. Remus chuckled at his excitement then nodded in agreement.
“I’d be happy to do it love.”
Minutes later Remus’s deft fingers were working their way through Sirius’s hair, gently shampooing and detangling in a way that left Sirius humming in satisfaction, muttering ‘feels so good Moons’, and leaning back into Remus’s chest until Remus pushed him back from it.
“I can’t get the knots out if you’re all pressed up against me Pads.”
Sirius grumbled in acknowledgment, because he wanted to be all pressed up against him, but he also understood that he was being a bit juvenile.
“Okay,” he reluctantly agreed.
“Just gonna rinse the shampoo out now. Close your eyes.” Remus instructed as his hands slipped away and guided Sirius closer to the shower head. Sirius mourned the loss but cooperated, closing his eyes just like Remus had asked. At least he still had his Moony’s hands on him in some way, warm and secure at his waist.
“Go ahead and tip your head back too.” Remus put one hand at the back of Sirius’s neck and pulled ever so lightly in suggestion. Wanting it to stay there, Sirius obeyed instantly, earning himself an appreciative: “thanks love.”
Remus took his time in rinsing the shampoo out, allowing Sirius more time with his wonderful hands in his hair as he got out the last of the knots. Never tugging too hard, and the few times he did, kissing Sirius’s forehead in apology and massaging the wronged area of Sirius’s scalp until Sirius was humming happily and practically keening into his touch again. By the time Remus had gotten to the conditioner Sirius was so relaxed that he had forgotten to pout at the torture of his hands being taken away.
Remus took his time with the conditioner too, even though it was just on the ends, and even let Sirius turn around and slump into his chest, wrapping his arms around Remus’s torso and accidentally getting his cast in a bit of the water.
“Feel good Pads?” Remus chuckled from above him.
“So good Moons.”
. . .
Present Day:
Sirius was trying his best to comb through his curls using only his fingers, but the more he did the more hair he was accidentally ripping out, and as someone who really valued his hair, that was hard for him. It would be too much to ask to use Remus’s shower, right? It would definitely be too much to ask Remus to pretty please help him wash his hair because he was getting really upset about how much hair he was losing and Remus’s fingers would feel so good and soothe him so well. Yes, that was definitely too much. That would be greedy and taking advantage, and as much as he wanted it Sirius absolutely should not ask for that.
On the way to convincing himself to just grit his teeth and bear it—the dirty hair, the painful to get out knots—because he had resigned to leave Remus alone today anyway Sirius accidentally ripped out the entirety of one of the larger knots he had been trying to get out and several strands of hair attached to it, bringing tears to his eyes at the sharp pain in his head. He hissed and mournfully threw the knot away, hoping that it wouldn’t leave a noticeable bald spot where it used to be attached to, wiping some of his tears away and trying to convince himself that it was just hair, it would grow back, but not fully believing it.
Not wanting to lose any more hair to his unskilled finger combing, Sirius re-evaluated the whole ‘not bothering Remus’ decision. Because would it really be too much of a bother if he just popped by for a minute or so to ask if he could maybe use his shower and brush too if he was feeling generous for such a short amount of time that he wouldn’t even notice that Sirius had used it? And would it really be too much of an imposition to only ask once and then not bother him for the rest of the day? Sirius would be so quick and considerate. The most considerate.
Pouting as he realized that there was a very small, but still somewhat noticeable bald spot from the ripped out knot, Sirius headed downstairs to go find Remus.
When he wasn’t in the living room, the dining room, or the kitchen (all of which were fairly small and directly open to each other, so Sirius highly doubted that he’d missed him) Sirius walked out into the backyard, a little more hesitant of his plan now that he knew that Remus had actually gone outside of the house to avoid him. But he’d be so nice, so polite, so quick, and he didn’t want his poor hair to suffer any longer. Sirius convinced himself to keep going.
He found Remus doing yard work, picking weeds out of the garden that Sirius didn't know he had (because he certainly hadn’t had it when they were together), and cleared his throat lightly to get his attention. Remus looked up enough to see his shoes but besides that pointedly ignored him.
“Moo- no, Remus,” Sirius corrected himself. If Remus was mad at him he certainly wouldn’t want to hear Sirius being too familiar. And Sirius really needed him to take pity on his poor hair, so he didn’t want to risk angering him further.
Remus looked up, putting down his garden rake and raising a brow. A silent but impatient ‘yes?’.
“I um- I need to shower.” And that wasn’t really what Sirius was trying to ask, nor did he really phrase it like a question, but Remus had thrown him off with his unprompted hostility.
“And what, Sirius, you expect me to help?” Remus made it sound like something ludicrous: insulting and unfathomable. Like Sirius’s unspoken request was something so obviously impossible, and Sirius was quick to clear the air as he internally coddled the wound that Remus had unknowingly pressed on. Because he had wanted him to help, but he hadn’t planned on asking him to.
“No- no, just if I could please use your shower- and um, your brush maybe too if that’s okay.” Sirius had no idea why he was having such trouble trying to get his words out. Well maybe he did, with Remus looking at him like he was stupid instead of sweetly offering to join him and work his fingers through his hair all nicely. “I uh, need to brush my hair but I didn’t bring a brush.” He added rather dumbly. Remus rolled his eyes, sighed, and looked like he was going to say something Sirius wouldn’t want to hear before going back to gardening.
“Yeah, Sirius. You can use my shower. And from now on you don’t have to ask alright? Just for the shower and the brush. Use them whenever you need to.” Remus relented. He didn’t seem too happy about it but he had given Sirius a generous deal—more generous than Sirius had expected—so Sirius gladly took it.
“Thanks Moons,” he couldn’t help himself from grinning. “And um, sorry for bothering you.” Sirius added belatedly.
As he was walking away he thought he heard Remus mutter:
“You’re never a bother.”