Chapter 5
When Sirius came out of the shower, hair wet and skin glistening, droplets of water leaking onto the same sweater and jeans that Remus had given him the day before, Remus was still sweating over the large collection of weeds in his garden, which he had neglected for just a little too long, y’know, several months or so.
As Sirius walked over towards him Remus kicked himself internally for not offering him a change of clothes. If Sirius hadn’t even brought a hairbrush, he doubted that he would’ve brought extra outfits.
The bitter part of him thought that was Sirius’s own fault—he should’ve packed better for his rondevous to destroy Remus’s life—but that pesky other part felt austispicisly bad. He should’ve offered. He should have taken care of Sirius. How many times had he promised that he always would? Even if Sirius ran away, ripped his heart to shreds then showed up again out of the blue. Wasn’t it still kind of his job to take care of him?Or was that wrong and was Remus crossing another line in the sand that he wasn’t supposed to?
Sirius looked wary as he approached and Remus told himself that the least he could do was not be hostile.
“Hey, I-” Sirius paused when Remus looked up to acknowledge him, a surprised sort of smile spreading across his face and his eyes twinkling like Remus had just made his day. “Oh,” Sirius remarked softly, then seemed to remember that he was trying to tell Remus something. “I just wanted to come out and say thank you for letting me use your shower. And the brush. Thanks, Moons. And I was wondering if I could help?” He looked at him hopefully, eyes wide with innocence and sincerity, and Remus really didn’t want to be the one to crush that.
Fuck, this was getting dicey. On one hand, Remus really shouldn’t keep giving in to Sirius, putting up absolutely no boundaries and making it that much easier for Sirius to ask for more, to ask for things he shouldn’t. But on the other hand, Sirius’s owlish eyes and adoring little smiles were wearing him down faster than he could ever imagine. But Remus was able to regain some self control.
“You can help by changing,” He decided. Sirius, who was in the process of sitting down across from him, started standing back up, confused by Remus’s directions. That was on him though, Remus hadn’t exactly been specific. Sirius opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but Remus didn’t give him the chance. “No, stay there. I’ll get you some clothes.”
Remus put down his rake and shovel, brushed the dirt off his hands on his jeans then made his way inside to pick out some clothes to loan (or at this point give) to his star.
He rummaged through his closet for a hefty amount of time looking for the things of Sirius’s that he had shoved away into the corners but not been able to fully get rid of—some part of Remus always hoping he would come back—until he emerged with a pair of short shorts that he had forgotten about (the other option was a miniskirt and Remus didn’t think he could handle that) and another one of Remus’s sweaters because he had seemingly gotten rid of all his tops besides some crystallized one that was really more of a bra and a few crops, that again, Remus didn’t think he had it in him to handle. This sweater was dark green and long enough that it would likely cover the shorts, and Remus couldn’t decide whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing.
Nonetheless, he brought his finds outside to where Sirius was waiting for him in the garden, playing with the leaves on a basil plant. As soon as Sirius heard the door open and then close he bounced up to grin at Remus, who waved the clothes somewhat triumphantly at him and even managed a bit of a smile as he did.
“Here. Change and let me know when you need new ones,” Remus handed them to Sirius, who took them gladly and made a motion like he was about to go to hug Remus but stopped himself.
“I’ll do that,” Sirius clutched the clothes to his chest gratefully, especially the sweater. It was just a sweater, Remus thought, not even one of his better ones. He was pretty sure it had a hole in it. But Sirius darted inside to change and Remus figured he might as well follow him, giving up on the garden for today, and just as he got inside it started to rain. Remus felt a bit of pleasure at his impeccable timing.
His victory was fleeting however as Sirius zipped down the stairs in his new outfit and Remus realized that the oversized sweater with short shorts had turned out to be a decisively bad idea. With the sweater fitting Sirius almost like a dress it made it look like he wasn’t wearing anything underneath at all, and then Remus had to remember those stupid, slutty, red panties that Sirius was also wearing underneath, trying so hard to get the image out of his head of Sirius in just the sweater and the godforsaken women’s panties. He could only pray that he wasn’t getting a hard on.
Sirius did a spin for him at the bottom of the stairs that Remus was hardly paying attention to because he was forcing himself to think of the most unsexy thing he could to get him out of his daze. Walburga Black. Done.
But then Sirius was moving closer to him, in his clothes and looking curious, which was not a good combination.
“Re-” Sirius’s voice was soft, vulnerable, deprived of something, and likely about to ask for it. Remus wanted to hate him for that but couldn’t. “Could I please- Moons could I hug you?” He looked up at him with those big and wanting eyes—that were also so patient and naively unguarded—and Remus wanted to say no. To turn him away as he stood before him in Remus’s sweater. To put down a boundary for Merlin’s sake.
But he was in Remus’s sweater, all adoring and touch deprived, asking for something so small. He just wanted a hug. And how could Remus say no to that? The sweetest and most harmless request from his star? The answer was, he couldn’t. Add that to the long list of things Remus was incapable of doing.
“Sure, love,” the pet name slipped out without Remus’s awareness or approval, Remus opening his arms to Sirius who dove immediately into them, holding tight to Remus and burying himself deep into his chest. Like this was the last time he would ever get to hug him, and who knew, maybe it would be. For several minutes the two of them just stood there, neither all too desperate to be done with the embrace, although Sirius maybe less so, cozying his head into the nape of Remus’s neck like he belonged there. Or he really really wanted to.
After a while, when Remus was considering moving the whole operation to the couch, either that or letting go, he felt Sirius squeeze extra tightly at his waist.
“Thank you, Re. For everything,” Remus made sure to squeeze him back. Maybe he shouldn’t have, although he probably shouldn’t have been holding him the way he was in the first place either. “For letting me in yesterday,” Sirius continued, and the more Remus held him, the more he realized just how cold he was. How was Sirius still cold? He hadn’t been out in the rain for almost a day. “And for the tea, the food, and the clothes. Um- I really like these ones. And wearing the sweater. And I just wanted to say thank you, since I don’t really know how to thank you properly.” He pulled back, although he didn’t look like he wanted to. And that was when Remus got a properly good look at Sirius, his sterling gray eyes that looked ever so grateful and sincere, his pretty pink lips, and handsome aristocratic face, cheeks ever so slightly flushed and part of him looking so, so, wanting. Parting his lips lightly as he gazed up at Remus in that adoring way he always did.
And it took everything in Remus not to put his hand to Sirius’s cheek and let his thumb pull and prod at those lips, to lean down and kiss them, leaving Sirius breathless until they parted with a gasp. Until Sirius leaned in for more of it, always greedy for Remus’s kisses. ‘Cuz you’re just so good at ‘em Moony. Makin’ me spinny and floaty afterwards. Love your mouth.’
But no, he couldn’t do that. Remus forced himself to pull away. To gently shove Sirius off of him. To say, “No problem Pads,” like he wasn’t picturing him half clothed and rolling around on his bed going on and on about how good his mouth was.
. . .
Hogwarts, Sixth Year:
Remus had been listening to Sirius whine for about twenty minutes straight and if it was anyone else but Sirius he would be incredibly ticked off by now. But it was Sirius and his star was whining about perhaps the most charming topic for him to be whining about: how good Remus was at kissing and the many reasons why he should kiss Sirius right now. And sure, Remus could put an end to it at any moment, just kiss him and get him to shut up, but he was honestly enjoying hearing all of it. Watching Sirius pout and dramatize like the world was ending just because Remus wouldn’t kiss him.
“It’s not fair Moons. You’re doing yourself a disservice, depriving the world of something you’re so good at. Not fair to me either Moons, you can’t give me taste for it then take it away. I need kisses. Need your kisses. Otherwise I’ll shrivel up and die and you’ll never be able to revive me ‘less you kiss me again. Please Moons, I miss your mouth, you're the best kisser…” Sirius flopped over on the bed dramatically for emphasis. Remus smiled at him fondly but didn’t kiss him. “I might die. I could actually be dying right now and you’re not even the least bit concerned. You still won’t kiss me.”
Remus chuckled, amused by his best friend that was slowly turning into more.
“Love, if you want a kiss, all you have to do is ask.” Sirius eyed him like he wasn’t sure if he believed him but he really truly wanted to.
“Re, can I have a kiss?” Remus smiled, tucked a piece of stray hair behind Sirius’s ear, then decided he wasn’t done enjoying the show.
“Mm, no. I just wanted to hear you ask.” Sirius pouted severely, practically wailed in disappointment and Remus raised both his brows in surprise.
“This has to be some kind of abuse. This is child cruelty, that’s what it is. You’re cruelly neglecting me, Remus. By depriving me of kisses,” Sirius pitched a fit on the bed.
“I am not neglecting you Pads, and I assure you this is not abuse. You’ll get your kisses eventually, I’m just enjoying watching this play out first,” Remus calmly clarified, taking the book he was reading out to drive Sirius up the wall even more. It worked too because in no time Sirius was crawling onto his lap with a heavy pout and puppy dog eyes, his lips exponentially closer. Remus forced himself to purely focus on his book.
“Re, you’re the best kisser in the world, I swear,” Sirius seemed to be going for flattery now. Flattery and getting his face close enough to Remus’s that he could feel his breath on it. “Ya’ always give me butterflies when you kiss me. Make me lose track of time and space and what’s going on cuz your kisses are just that good. Please Moons, I don’t know if I can take this anymore, will you just kiss me?”
“Hm, say please,” Remus hummed, turning away from his book and placing one hand on the back of Sirius’s neck to pull Sirius a few inches further away. His star looked at him with a mix of wariness and hope.
“Is this gonna be like last time when you act like you’re gonna kiss me and then you don’t?” Remus shook his head, smiled kindly because Sirius had worn him down.
“No, love, just say please.”
“Fucking please Moons,” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s neck and Remus pulled him in. Gave him the kiss that he had spent so long begging for, and the second their lips touched he heard Sirius whimper, actually whimper, in relief. You would think Remus had deprived him for years and not minutes. So Remus made sure it was a good kiss, one with just the right amount of tongue and plenty of extra touching around it, because he figured he might as well live up to his apparent reputation, and well, Sirius had begged for it.
Remus let his fingers get caught up in Sirius’s hair, as he simultaneously caught all of Sirius’s breath, pulled experimentally at the strands and relished how Sirius whined into his mouth at it. Remus allowed his other hand to work it’s way up Sirius’s thigh, resting just high enough to work Sirius up, then pulled away only for a single breath before kissing Sirius once more, more sweetly this time, a soft brushing of lips before he pulled away completely, Sirius’s eyes a little hazy when he did.
A pretty gasp fell out of his star, who seemed just a little out of it. And Remus had done that simply with his lips… Remus couldn’t help himself from thinking.
Sirius kept his arms latched onto him before, a bit out of breath, he laughed softly.
“See, Moons… how am I gonna survive without that?”
. . .
Present Day:
After the hug and the almost kiss—or rather Remus’s nearly unstoppable urge to kiss Sirius that he had just barely contained—not to mention Sirius being in his damn clothes again, and mentioning how much he liked being in them, Remus had been busying himself every way he knew how to in effort to not kiss Sirius. Or hug him again for that matter, since he clearly couldn’t handle that if it was going to be leading him back into old habits as easily as it had. He couldn’t go back into old habits with Sirius. That would be a tremendously bad idea.
So Remus had been doing chores all day. They needed to get done anyway, and he couldn’t imagine having Sirius do them, so they were a good way to get his mind off of his star who wasn’t technically his star anymore but he still thought of as his star anyway.
He was in the living room, late afternoon to early evening when his star approached him, looking absolutely ethereal in the dark green sweater that made his eyes seem bluer than they were and contrasted the paleness of his skin brilliantly. But was Sirius always that pale? Had he been before he’d left? And why had he still been so cold when he’d hugged him earlier?
Remus put aside his questions in favor of a mantra of ‘do not fuck him, do not fuck him, do not fuck him,’ when Sirius pulled his sweater up to his chest to scratch an area on his stomach—exposing the entirety of his waist while doing so, and also revealing two strands of the red thong that he had pulled up to sit just above his hips an inch or two away from his shorts—humming in satisfaction before letting his sweater fall down over his shorts again. Remus was convinced that Sirius did not need to do all of that just to scratch a goddamn itch.
“What're you doing?” Sirius asked airily as he stood right beside Remus with great interest. Remus shook himself out of his stupor with a jolt, then did his best to pretend like what Sirius had just done on his way over hadn’t affected him at all.
“Dusting my records,” Remus answered casually. He liked when Sirius took interest in his hobbies. Sirius hummed and ran his hand over one of the David Bowie ones. The Rise of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.
“Can I help?” Remus knew he should say no, but he was absolutely shit at saying no to Sirius and if he tried hard enough he was sure he could control himself.
“Sure, if you want to,” Remus handed him his extra duster. Sirius had bought the two pack years ago because he couldn’t find the singular ones and Remus still had them both. Sirius took the duster eagerly and picked up the record in front of him to start dusting as soon as he could. He looked like he was about to say another ‘thanks Moons’ that would inevitably make Remus melt more than he wanted to. “Gentle Pads, and be careful not to drop them,” Remus instructed so he didn’t get the chance. Sirius nodded intently and noticeably changed the way he was handling the records.
It was quiet for a minute or two and Remus found himself at peace with the silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable like it had been that morning, and he didn’t know what had changed in between then and now to make that happen.
“I didn’t know you gardened,” Sirius spoke after a while.
“I started after you left,” Remus answered honestly.
“Oh,” Sirius let out, sounding a bit sorry he asked. And part of Remus thought maybe he should be.
“Yeah, oh.”
“I could’ve helped, with the um, garden.” Sirius tried again unsteadily. Part of Remus was annoyed at him for it, but he also found that he couldn’t hate him for making an effort. He couldn’t hate Sirius for anything. That was what made it so hard.
“It’s best if you don’t.” Remus decided with finality. He needed something that was just his own, with no trace of Sirius on it. Even if it was just his shitty weed filled garden.
“Okay.” Sirius didn’t argue it. “Thanks for letting me help with the records.” He was making good progress with them, building up quite the little stack, treating each one with care just like he had been instructed to. Remus almost felt a little proud of him.
“You don’t have to do that.” Remus shook his head. Sirius made a confused noise and Remus elaborated. “Keep thanking me for the most basic things. You don’t need to. I want to do them, I wouldn’t do them if I didn’t. The clothes, the food, Pads, I’m just doing what anyone would do in my situation.” Sirius turned to him and furrowed his brows in disagreement.
“But you’re not anyone Moons. And I treated you like I would treat anyone despite that.” Sirius looked so guilty, furious at himself as he spoke, and yet still so reverent of Remus, saying ‘you’re not anyone’ with more love than Remus had ever heard in his life. And Remus really didn’t know what to say to that so he simply sighed, rubbed at the crease in his forehead and went back to dusting.
“Yeah, Sirius. You did.” Because he couldn’t bring himself to stretch it out any more. He didn’t have it in him to hurt Sirius or himself any further tonight.
“I never should have,” Sirius went on. “I hated myself for it the second I did. Regretted it for years, Moons. I know I’m a terrible person for hurting you, but… Merlin, Rem, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain just how sorry I am for it.” Remus put his hand up to put the apologizing to an end. Tears were starting to pool in Sirius’s eyes and Remus could not handle a heartbroken Sirius right now. He had hurt him enough this morning.
“Sirius, can we not do this right now? Please love, I know you’re sorry.” And there Remus went again accidentally slipping pet names in where they didn’t belong anymore. He really ought to get a hold of himself.
“I-” Sirius still sounded a bit heartbroken. “Okay. If that’s what you want, Moons.” They fell into a stretch of silence again, slightly less comfortable than the last one, before it was broken again.
“I’m not as angry with you as I’d like to be, you know.” Remus found himself thoughtlessly admitting. “You’re not an easy person to hate.” He added just about as recklessly.
“Lots of people do anyway.” Sirius answered solemnly. Remus sighed, because what was he supposed to say to that? No matter what he said he would be putting his foot in his mouth. So he went for the most neutral and platonic version of what he would’ve said if they were still together.
“Not me, if it helps.”