the moon and the star
Monday ,6th Setember 1976
Remus was his moon, but he was a star, and once the sun rised, all the stars disappeared. Sirius Black was kind. Deep down in his soul, where it mattered, he was kind and loyal and sweet. But, right now, as he looked through the windows of the Hogwarts Express after fucking everything up, he didn’t feel kind, or sweet. And the toughest part is that he was still loyal. He loved James and Remus, even if he didn’t admit it for years, and he even loved Peter. Kind stupid Peter. He loved everything he had before he fucked everything up. Before he opened his mouth when all he could see was red and all he could feel was anger. Before he revealed Moony’s secret.
And even though he never felt such regret in his life, he didn’t regret almost getting Snape killed. His silver eyes looked around the train, searching for him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to make another apology go out of his mouth, but he needed to see his sweet doe eyes and his tanned skin again and part of him felt a desperate need to know if he got knew scars, if he was okay.
He spent the summer at his parents house, and, for the first time, he took the insults and the hits without saying a word. Regulus knew something had happened, but he didn’t say anything, no one did. When he arrived at Hogwarts, he tried to keep the confident pose, to keep his head up, but he couldn’t, not when James looked at him like was a monster. Like he was a Black. He entered the dorm, feeling haunted by his memories. Memories of sweet moments, memories from nights spent on Remus’s bed. Memories from the fight. He layed on Remus’s bed, feeling the texture of the sheets and letting his mind roll through the good memories, then he got up and started unpacking, it would be a long year.
He didn’t want to feel sad about the way no one was os his side, but Sirius was always selfish, that wasn’t a knew thing for him. He thought about the Quidditch team, how was he supposed to play feeling the dissapointed eyes of all his friends? He liked to worry about the little things, the things that didn’t really matter, because once he tought about that ones that did matter, everything in life started to feel pointless. Flashbacks of the day of the prank came to him in a blur.
"Say something! Shout! Punch me! "Sirius screamed through tears "Just say something, Remus."
Remus had looked at him in many ways during the time they had known each other, but never like this, with hate is his eyes
"You know what, Sirius? "he said, slowly "I think you are just like your mother."
Then he left, taking the old Sirius with him.
He blinked, trying to think of anything but that day. The only good thing that happened after the incident was that he got closer to his brother. They didn’t talk about the important things, but at least they were talking. Sirius was always a little self-regarding, but he didn’t really appreciate what he saw in the mirror anymore, it was almost like he lost that glowing halo he had before the moment he lost his friends.
When he walked in the Great Hall, his eyes immediatly found him. It was easy for Sirius to find Remus in a crowded room, he’s been doing that for 6 years now. Remus was sitting next to all of his friends, looking taller than ever. James was playing with Peter and the girls were laughing about something Lily said. For a moment, he let himself imagine what he would be doing right now if he didn’t fuck up the one good thing he had. Probably holding hands with Remus under the table and letting him play with his hair, or maybe he would be planning pranks with James, not that he would ever do that again.
Then his eyes looked to the other side of the room, where Regulus was sitting with Barty, Evan, Pandora and Dorcas. His brother was making a funny face and all of his friends were laughing at something Crouch said about him. Sirius liked to think Regulus was happy, happy like he was when his friends were still his friends. The older Black was a professional runner, running away from his parents, running away from expectations, running from himself and most of the time running away from people, but it hurted him in a way he couldn’t explain to have to run and hide from his friends, his family.
He walked to the most distant spot on the table from his old friends and sat, barely eating anything. He wanted to feel like himself again, he missed the funny impulsive Sirius. The Sirius that didn’t care about other people’s opinions, but that Sirius died the moment Remus thought bad things about him. The first opinion he ever cared about. Once the dinner ended, he walked as quickly as he could to the dorms and tried to sleep before his friends arrived.But he couldn’t, not when everything reminded him of Remus, so he ran to his brother’s room with Barty and Evan. When he finally fell asleep, the nightmares came.
"I think you should jump, Sirius." Remus said in his dreams, looking at him like that didn’t mean anything "You said you’d do anything to prove that you’re sorry."
"I don’t think I want to Mo-"
"Jump" James interrupted, appearing by his side " Everything would be much better if you did."
" Now " Peter whispered, holding his shoulder "Before is too late."
So he did, and then he woke up screaming and falling from his bed.
"Sirius? " he heard a sweet voice calling "What happened?"
And then he remembered. He was a coward, he felt too bad to sleep in his dorm so he ran to his brother room in Slytherin and slept with him.
"Nothing, Reggie. I’m sorry to wake you up, it was just a stupid dream."
Regulus looked at him in a strange way.
"Sirius," he paused "I heard you saying you would jump for them."
They looked at each other for a while, knowing what question was about to be asked.
" Sirius, do you want to die? "he asked
And the question sounded unreal, because you never hear anyone ever asking you that question. He didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no, and that was enough for his brother.
" You need to talk to them."
" No, Reg, you don’t understand. They would never forgive me."
Regulus looked mad, his brother never told him what happened and that was enough to piss him off.
"You fucking want to die because of that. What can you have possibly done that is so unforgivable."
"You know I can’t tell you. Is not my secret to do so."
They just laid next to each other after that, making Regulus wonder how he could know so little about his brother and yet know him so well. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up going through the same hell.