Cursed

Their bodies were in no rush to calm, and they clung to one another as nerve endings continued to fire and muscles contract.  Mouths sought one another to maintain contact and swallow soft moans and whimpers as hands gently caressed, soothed, and reassured.

When they felt they could part without anything dire occurring (both would later reflect that they felt something akin to panic at the thought of moving apart before they were ready), Ianto gently extricated himself from Jack’s body and flopped onto his side with a groan of effort.

Jack, trying to distract himself from the sudden, bereft feeling, drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment.  When he released it, a chuckle accompanied it into the air above them.

“That was…”

“Mmmm,” Ianto hummed his agreement.

“You alright?” Jack turned to get a good look at his lover.  Ianto looked shattered.  His hair was soaked with sweat, and his pallor had returned, but he was grinning like a loon, clearly fighting to keep his eyes open.  “Ianto,” he whispered reverently, leaning in to kiss his lover.  When he leaned back again, Ianto was watching him intently, his eyes beginning to redden with fatigue.

“Are you?” he asked, and Jack wondered what he must look like, but then Ianto added, “I worry I got carried away.”

“I am better than fine,” Jack assured him with a grin.  “Never worry about that.  I’ll ask you to back off, if I need to,” he kissed Ianto’s nose and practically leapt from the bed to go clean himself up.  His reflection in the mirror surprised him.  He looked wrecked, in the best possible way.  He grinned again and took two flannels back to the bedroom – a warm one to clean Ianto up and a cool one to mop over his sweat-damp skin. 

He coaxed the duvet from under his lover, tossing it in a corner to wash later, and found a blanket to cover Ianto before he could get a chill as he cooled off from his exertions.  He placed Ianto’s wand on the bedside table and retrieved a bottle of water, which he shared with his sleepy Welshman before joining him under the blanket.  After a month of sleeping together in a relatively small bed, it was as natural as breathing for them to wrap themselves around one another, and they settled down to sleep.

To Jack’s surprise, Ianto didn’t drift right off.  He lay there, gentle fingertips drawing abstract shapes into Jack’s sternum.

“You sure you’re alright?” he asked, concerned.

“Tired but wired,” Ianto replied.  “Just need to settle down from my magic getting so stirred up.

“I noticed you grabbed your wand, but I didn’t see any sparks.”

“It didn’t come loose or anything, just got stirred up in all the excitement,” Ianto smiled sleepily.  “But the wand helps it to settle.  I’m not used to having my magic back just yet, so having an external focus will help until I can get reacquainted with it.”

“I just realized something,” Jack said, and the frown on his face must have filtered through to his voice, because Ianto shifted his head so he could see Jack.  “I told you I’d say something if I needed you to back off, but…  Oh, goddess…”

He realized that a cursed and spellbound Ianto could not have asked for the same thing.  He felt himself tense as another realization hit him.  Jack liked variety, so he was a switch.  But he now saw that it had always been what Jack had wanted.  He had rarely asked Ianto to tell him what he wanted, so with a sinking feeling, he began to wonder how often Ianto had been forced to do something he may not have wanted to do. 

Jack began to feel sick.

“Hey,” Ianto leaned up on an elbow and cupped his cheek, grabbing his attention.  “I always wanted you.  I seldom cared about the how, because I knew you’d make sure I enjoyed myself.  Please don’t torment yourself about the fact that you had to call all the shots.”

“How often did I hurt you, Ianto?  We’ve talked about the curses’ impact, but never about what might have happened in bed.”  He sat up, dislodging Ianto and put his face in his hands, choking on grief and guilt.  “Oh, goddess….”

“Jack,” Ianto hauled himself up and wrapped himself around the older man.  “Stop this.  Any harm you did was because of the curses, so to my mind, there’s nothing to forgive, because that’s not on you.  But if you need to hear it, I do forgive that it was you the curses used.  It’s all in the past, and I think you know that I would never tolerate anything that was deliberate.  Please,” he kissed Jack’s shoulder.  “Please don’t make me more of a victim.  I can’t bear it.”

More than anything could have, it was that plea that got through to Jack.  He held Ianto’s words of forgiveness close and tried to take them to heart, but it was the plea that helped jolt him out of the spiral he’d found himself in.  Consent was everything to Jack, so the thought that he had forced Ianto in any way was anathema, to him.  And the thought that he had hurt his lover filled him with shame.  But he knew they needed to move forward, and they couldn’t do that if he could not let this go. 

He drew in a deep breath and turned into Ianto’s embrace.  He was jolted again as he heard Ianto breathing apologies into his skin.  He leaned back, shocked.  “Why are you apologizing?”

“You were hit with those curses as much as I was,” Ianto whispered, his eyes wet.  “Because of me and my bloody baggage, you were forced – against your will, I know that in my soul! – to do things you never would have, under your own volition.”

“But that wasn’t your fault!” Jack protested.

“I know,” Ianto said, nodding.  “But I should have walked away after the first time you did something against your own will.  But I was selfish,” he sniffed, and Jack reached up to catch the first tear as it fell.  “It was so wrong, but I… I just couldn’t give you up.  I…  Oh, gods, Jack,” he looked horrified as the full impact of what his inaction had done hit him.  “I am so sorry!”

“Enough,” Jack gently commanded, and Ianto’s breath caught.  “I’m glad you didn’t walk away, Love.  Please believe me.  You are entirely blameless in all of this.”

“I’m not,” Ianto shook his head, and Jack caught his chin and gently encouraged his lover to look at him.

“The Carrows and their curses are to blame.  There is absolutely nothing to forgive, but as you said – if you need to hear it, then I’ll say it.  I forgive you.  I’m glad you didn’t walk away.  And I think perhaps we should look at it this way – everything that has happened has brought us here, to this point.  And I wouldn’t change that, for anything.  I’m glad we’re here.”

“Me too,” Ianto nodded and gave a sniff once he’d calmed.  “Gods, but I’m so tired of crying.”

“You’ve had a lot to process,” Jack said, helping his lover to lie down, once more.  “Try to think of it as a metaphor – every tear that falls is another of all of those horrors being released.  Let them cleanse you, and when you’re ready, you’ll be able to trust and embrace the joy.”

“Jack,” Ianto sighed, pulling Jack in for a kiss before they once more arranged themselves, holding one another close as sleep finally overtook them.

***

They spent the day after their return in Ianto’s flat, the younger man moving from bed to shower to couch in the morning, when Susan stopped by to check on him.  He slept the rest of the day away, wrapped around Jack as the older man either watched television or did paperwork. 

The day after that was a Thursday, and Jack needed to go to the hub to check in and exchange his completed paperwork for a new batch to work on.  Ianto, feeling recovered from the busy day of wand-hunting two days before, accompanied him.  He was far from well, but during her visit that morning, Susan had given them the all-clear to go, on the condition that he not overexert himself.

As they entered the hub, Jack felt Ianto tense at the state of the place.  It wasn’t the tip it had become after Ianto’s suspension, but nor was it what one could call tidy, either.  Ianto’s absence was evident in the piles of unfiled paperwork and unarchived tat on his desk, as well as the stalwart old coffee machine, which looked forlorn and neglected draped in its protective cover.  Someone (Owen) had taped a sign to the cover that read, ‘Do Not Touch on Pain of Death by Teaboy’.  Another sign was taped below it.  ‘Who apparently is a wizard.”  And a third below that.  “God help us.”

Jack steadied Ianto as Toshiko hurled herself into the younger man’s arms, laughing and crying, all at once.  Owen stepped forward with a shockingly friendly smile and shook Ianto’s hand, saying, “Welcome back, mate.”

“Hello, pet,” Gwen gave a friendly smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.  “You look dreadful!  Are you sure you should be back?”

“Just here for a visit,” Jack frowned.  Sure, Ianto looked a bit pale and thin, but he looked a hell of a lot better than the last time they had seen him.  And Jack had already explained during his last visit that he and Ianto would be gone for a few more weeks, yet.  Neither of them was actually ‘back’. 

“Don’t listen to her,” Tosh said to Ianto, sending Gwen a glare.  “You look like you’re on the mend.  And you’re not battered, poisoned, and covered in blood, so you look far better than you did when you left.”

“I am… better,” Ianto said, looking to Jack, wondering how much he had told them.

“How about you sit while I grab some things,” Jack said.  “We can order some food and catch up.”

“You’re not staying?” Gwen asked, her voice a bit shrill.

“I did say,” Jack frowned at her reaction.  “We’re in Cardiff until Sunday, then we’re headed north so Ianto can get properly reacquainted with his magic.”

“Jack, you can’t actually be thinking of leaving again,” she admonished.

“Why not?” Jack asked, concerned.  “Has something happened?”

“No, everything is fine,” Owen said, his voice weary and annoyed.  “Her highness here just isn’t used to not getting her way, and UNIT doesn’t take her back-talk as… patiently as you do,” he said, making a point of not glancing at Ianto.  Tosh hid a small smile at Owen’s newfound protectiveness.

“Stop talking nonsense, Owen,” Gwen growled.

“Nonsense, is it?” he challenged.  “You’ve gotten so used to being able to question Jack’s every order that you can’t even remember how to follow one, anymore.”  He turned to Jack.  “Do you have any idea how many complaints I’ve fielded from our UNIT liaison?”

“Gwen?” Jack frowned at her.

“They don’t know how we do things around here,” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

“Is that true?” Jack asked Owen and Tosh.

“I’ve found them to be more than capable,” Toshiko replied.  “They are very structured in weevil hunts, but they’re military; it’s to be expected that their training is to move in coordinated formations.  It actually works pretty well, even if it is different than what we’re used to.”

“Yeah, actually, I think we could learn a thing or two from them on field ops,” Owen said, and Ianto hid his own smile that Owen was only making that concession to spite Gwen.

“Write it up,” Jack nodded, impressed that Owen was willing to make such a concession, no matter the motivation.  “Get me a report on how we can adjust our procedures, if you think we can improve safety and performance.”

“Will do,” Owen nodded.

“Well, it sounds like you’ve got things under control here, after all,” Jack grinned, clapping his hands and then rubbing them together before rising.  “You all decide on lunch, and I’ll be in my office.”

“But Jack…” Gwen, trying to argue, rose to follow him.

“Sorry, Gwen,” he surprised everyone by turning to her, stopping her from following.  “I’ve got some calls to make.  Have you finished that report I asked you for?”

Gwen blinked.  “I thought you were kidding,” she confessed after a long pause.  When Jack just stared at her, she flushed.  “I’ll… um, I’ll get right on that,” she said, turning and heading for her desk.

Tosh and Owen caught Ianto’s gobsmacked expression and exchanged a knowing look.  It seemed Jack had made his choice.  What remained to be seen was what Gwen would do, to try to change his mind.

***