Cursed

Jack held Ianto but chose not to take the hint that maybe the wizard didn’t want to talk more, right now.  He looked at the potion tin in his hand, brushing his finger across the hash marks carved into the bottom of it, and decided to ask.

“Ianto?”

“Hmm?”

Jack felt guilty, because that was a surprisingly contented hum.

“Will you tell me?” he felt Ianto tense slightly in his arms.  “About the marks on this tin?”

“That depends,” Ianto murmured into Jack’s chest.  “Will you tell me?  I know you’ve done it, too.  And actually succeeded.”

Jack flinched.  “I haven’t kept a tally,” he said slowly, “I lost count, actually.  I got pretty low, about fifty years in.  Wondered if I did it enough, if it would take.  I got pretty creative, but…”

“Stop,” Ianto wrapped his limbs around Jack and held him closer.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “I shouldn’t have…”

“No.  It’s all right,” Jack kissed Ianto’s head and gave him a squeeze.  “It was a long time ago.  Took me a while to realize I reset to a pretty good state of mental health, so most of it was just the challenge of it, and me being stubborn about an idea stuck in my head.  I stopped, once I got bored.  Every now and then, I’ll do it, just to get the reset.”

“Jack,” Ianto sobbed and shuddered violently, and Jack rubbed his hands up and down the wizard’s back. 

“Shh,” Jack soothed.  “It’s okay.  You’ve fixed that, remember?”

“I hate it that you’ve hurt so much, for so long,” Ianto cried into Jack’s shirt.  “And I’m sorry that I made you talk about it.  That was unfair.”

“You’ve been laid bare by all of this.  I understand that you don’t want to be alone, in the sharing,” Jack sighed.  “I know you don’t believe this yet, but I do like sharing things with you, Ianto.  I spent a long time holding back, but now, I don’t feel like I need to do that, anymore.  I…  I’m glad I have you, to confide in.”

Ianto gave a surprised sob and then snuffled, and Jack continued to rub his back and talk soothing nonsense as he calmed.  After a while, he began to speak, his voice pitched so low that Jack almost missed some of the things he had to say.

“It took time to establish my new identity,” he said.  “So I couldn’t enroll in university until September.  That left eight really long months with not much to do, other than get myself set up as just another student.  The first eleven notches were from that time.  But university was good, so in the next four years, only seven more were added, usually at birthdays and holidays.”

Jack pulled Ianto closer, trying to somehow protect his past self from the pain that had brought him, time and again, to a place where he was staring at a glass of poison, trying to decide whether or not to drink.

“Then T1 hired me,” he went on, doing his best to absorb the comfort Jack was offering.  “And I met Lisa.  That was probably the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me.”

“What?” Jack frowned.

“Falling in love, for real, for the first time.  Lisa,” he sighed.  “I only had two notches during those couple of years at T1, but they were both because of her, because I almost lost my nerve.”

“Guess you found it,” Jack remarked, his voice amused.

Ianto shrugged.  “I figured if it didn’t work out, I had a fallback plan, but the least I could do was to see what would happen next.”  He shuddered.  “Then Canary Wharf fell.  That first night, once I got her on life support, I really didn’t think she’d make it.  So I had everything all ready.  But then she turned the corner, and I threw it out.”

He went quiet, for a moment.  Then, “The night we caught Myfanwy…  I saw how easy it would be, to betray her.  I…  I didn’t want to be that person.”

“You tried, that night?” Jack asked, his voice rasping with emotion that Ianto hadn’t noticed, before.  All he could do was nod. 

“Oh, Ianto.  Temptation doesn’t make you unfaithful,” Jack whispered.  “Giving in to it does.  But you didn’t.”

Ianto nodded.  “But gods, Jack.  I wanted…”  He shivered, and this time it wasn’t with fear or horror.  “I’ve never wanted anyone or anything, so much.”

Jack kissed his head.  “Well, you have me now, and you didn’t do anything wrong, then.  Okay?”

Ianto nodded, but there was still guilt over wanting Jack so much, while he thought Lisa was still fighting for her life.  “I came really close, during my suspension.  Three times.  Then once, after the cannibals.  And again, after Mary.”

“And then?”  By Jack’s count, that left ten attempts in the last seven months, though Ianto remembering the Year would undoubtedly skew things.

Ianto shook his head, and Jack spent some minutes assuring him it was okay.

“The night… with John Ellis.  You died in my car with him, didn’t you?”

Jack sighed.  “I did.”

“I tried to help…  And…”

Jack sighed again.  “You pulled the potions out, after I almost beat you to death.”

Ianto coughed, then gave a curt nod. 

“What stopped you?”

“Remembering that it wasn’t you.  I poured it down the sink and refilled the bottles and took myself to the hub, to see how you would react.  And you were so…” he sniffed.  “Because it was you initiating it, it was okay.  You…  You took care of me, and I was able to keep going.”

Jack’s own tears were falling, now.  “And then?”

“After… shooting Owen,” he muttered, but Jack knew that wasn’t the worst thing that happened, that day.  “And again, after Abaddon.  I was so ashamed, Jack.”

“Manger knew everyone’s pressure points, and he used them relentlessly,” Jack said.  “It’s okay, Love.”

“After you left, but before the Himalayas, I tried two more times.  But then…  You know, don’t you?”

“That you remember the Year?” Jack sighed.  “The others told me, yes.”  He drew in a deep breath.  “And now that I know, I can tell you how proud I was, of you.  And how sorry…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Ianto interrupted.  “When time reset, we were back in the Himalayas, and it was February of 2007 rather than 2008.  And no one else remembered.  For a while, I thought I was going crazy.  But then, I overheard someone talking about it here at St. Mungo’s and realized that there must have been something about the wizarding world, that we all remembered.”

“I’m sorry for that,” Jack said, his voice full of sadness and regret.  Ianto’s death had been messy, the Master keen to make an example of one of the leaders of the resistance.  It was televised, and it took days, and it was vicious and brutal.  Jack let out a sob and held Ianto closer.

“It was really hard, being the only one to remember,” Ianto said, and Jack felt a pang that Ianto had not even been able to find comfort in the wizarding world. 

“How many times, before I returned?” Jack asked, his voice quiet and full of compassion.

“Four,” Ianto muttered.

“And the last one?”  Jack pulled Ianto closer.  “It was after our date, wasn’t it?  After I beat you up, again.”

Ianto nodded.

Jack kissed his head and rubbed his back, and they both tried to calm the tears that had been falling.  But there was one more thing Jack needed to know.

“What was different about this time?” he asked.  “Gods, Ianto, you actually drank it, this time!” he let out a sob and clung to Ianto more tightly as it actually hit him that, after all this time, after thirty-seven attempts, Ianto had actually reached his breaking point, his pain and desperation too much to overcome.

In the next moment, Ianto was running his hands up and down Jack’s spine, murmuring reassurances and apologies.  “I’m so sorry, Jack.  It was stupid of me.  I was weak.”

“No!” Jack pulled back and took Ianto’s face in his hands.  “Ianto, you are so strong!”  He reached down and retrieved the potion box from where it had fallen into the bedding and pointed to the hash marks.  “This tells me that you are fierce and relentless, but you finally reached your breaking point.”  He hesitated.  “There was something about what I said this time, wasn’t there?”

Ianto sniffed.  He really didn’t want to say.  “Jack,” he began, but Jack cut him off.

“I need to understand, Ianto,” Jack insisted.  He needed to understand, so he could try to figure out how to make it right.

Ianto sniffed, then let out a breath.  “I don’t want to say it.”

“I know,” Jack leaned forward and kissed Ianto on the forehead.  “But I think it will help you, to get it out.  And it will help me, to know what I did, however unwittingly.”

“But it wasn’t your fault!” Ianto insisted.

“I know that, too,” Jack declared.  “And yet, it was me hitting you.  It was me saying those terrible things.  So maybe telling me – since you finally can, now – will help you to offload it, rather than carrying it around like this bloody great burden that you can’t even resent, because it wasn’t my fault.”

“Jack,” Ianto’s resistance was flagging, Jack could tell.

“Look.  I don’t remember hitting you, or saying those things.  But I did it, just the same.  Maybe letting me know how best to make it right will help ease my mind about it, too.”

Ianto stared at Jack for a moment, then nodded slowly.  He swiped at the tears that welled up as he said, “You said I was just the teaboy.  You’d never said that to me before, and the way you said it…  It was just like how Owen said it, when you were trapped in 1941.  And…  You heard it all, don’t make me repeat it.  Please, Jack.”

Jack pulled Ianto into his arms as the younger man wept, the ugly words still tormenting him like a splinter in his heart.  He had no idea how to make this right.  If Ianto couldn’t get past Jack saying and doing those terrible things, this was going to be a problem.  Ianto knew Jack had no control over what the curses had made him say, but…

But how did the curses make him say those particular things?  Bill had tried to explain the structure of the spells to Jack, but something finally clicked into place.  The curse had hit Jack, through Ianto.  But it was Ianto’s curse.  It had already dug up Ianto’s worst fears, and it capitalized on them by having Jack make those fears a reality.

“The curse used me to make your worst nightmares come true,” Jack said, finally realizing that the words he had spoken had not been anything in his own subconscious.  They had come from Ianto’s worst fears.  Jack had merely been the method of delivery.  He was struck by the full weight of that violation, and for a moment, he was speechless.

Ianto nodded.  “That’s why it’s not your fault.”

“But it’s also why I have to make it up to you,” Jack replied.

***