Cursed

“Jack, you were forced to utter words that weren’t even your own.  Why would you have to make anything up to me?” Ianto asked.

“Because me being blameless is part of the curse,” Jack replied.  He kissed Ianto’s frown and continued, “If I’m not to blame, then I don’t owe you an apology.  But then you can’t move on, because it’s just festering.  You have no place to put your anger and pain and shame over what I said, because they weren’t my words.  And yet, I still said them.”

“Jack, that’s the whole point,” Ianto said, still frowning.  “That’s why it’s such a nasty curse.”

“But what if you can’t get past it?  No, let me explain.  You were able to forgive me each time it happened, but the pain still accumulated.  But you just ignored it, because there was no target for it.  What if you couldn’t just let it go, because the curse is holding it in place?”

“But the curse has been broken,” Ianto replied.

“Has it?  Or might there be a small part of it, still operating?”  Jack pointed at himself.  “What if I’m some sort of trigger for that splinter in you, keeping that part of the curse in place?”

Jack was able to find a Healer and have Susan and Bill summoned within twenty minutes.  He quickly explained his concern – that the Carrows’ curses had splinters that were going to continue to drain Ianto, leading him back to the suicidal miasma he had been mired in, for so long.

With Ianto’s permission, he showed them the tin and told them of the many suicidal urges the wizard had resisted.  Jack didn’t need to mention the one Ianto had not been able to overcome.

“So you think part of the curse – the splinter – is that there is no one to blame, so no closure can be had…” Susan looked at Bill.  “I mean, psychologically, that’s true enough.”

Bill muttered a set of incantations Jack had not heard, before.  After a moment, his eyes widened as he watched the results.  Susan’s expression also registered shock.

As it turned out, there were several “splinter” curses that were buried deeply enough not to be seen, initially.  What followed was a rigorous marathon of spell-casting and testing to see if anything else might be hidden.  The splinter curses were broken, and once Ianto had fallen into another exhausted sleep, Bill assured Jack that there were no curses left.

“You said that, before,” Jack pointed out, though not unkindly.

“I know, and I am sorry,” Bill said, looking pained.  “This is really old magic.  Almost no one knows about it.  I didn’t think…”

“But they’re curses,” Susan said.  “So it stands to reason that Death Eaters would know them, no matter how old.  That’s why we’ve cast a comprehensive set of spells, this time, to ensure we’ve gotten them all.”

“His healing factor would have eventually broken them,” Bill said, still looking guilty.  “But he would have had some few weeks of really low moods.”

“I can’t think that would have been good, so fresh off a suicide attempt,” Jack frowned.

“No.  And even with them broken, we’ll want to keep an eye on him,” Susan reiterated.

***

The next few days saw Ianto weeping into Jack’s chest when he wasn’t sleeping.  Jack knew it was just Ianto’s system stabilizing after having been riddled with curses for years, but it broke his heart, nonetheless. 

He heard Healers in the hallways talking about how Ianto would be a case study for curse-breakers for generations to come, and resentment burned in him for how his lover’s pain was being objectified as a source of fascination and study.  He understood, of course, but it still grated, how their excitement over such an extraordinary case overshadowed any compassion they might have felt for Ianto’s suffering.

It was deep in the night between Saturday and Sunday that Ianto got it into his head that it was wrong of him to allow Jack to stay with him.  He had only just calmed from the latest surge of emotion that very much resembled a panic attack.  They were becoming fewer and farther between, but they were still beleaguering Ianto.  Jack had soothed him through it, and they were both resting quietly when it seemed to rebound on them, redoubling in its intensity.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Ianto began pushing a very confused (and concerned) Jack away.

“Ianto?”

“Leaving the three of them to monitor the rift.  It’s not fair.  I…  You should be there, with the team,” he said, his voice broken with tears that had yet to begin falling again.  He didn’t want Jack to leave, but he couldn’t keep their leader from his duty any longer.

“Ianto, I’m not leaving you here,” Jack said, trying to soothe him.  “I called in a favor with Sir Alistair.  The rift is covered, and the team is fine.”

“No!” Ianto looked appalled.  “UNIT?  You hate them!  You said they can’t be trusted.  And what about Toshiko?” he was becoming more agitated, rather than less so.

Jack reached behind him and grabbed the phial filled with a calming potion from the bedside table.  After helping Ianto to drink (and thanking everything holy that Ianto did not resist drinking), he gathered his lover into his arms, again.

“Ianto, I trust Sir Alistair.  I know the men he sent to help.  And Tosh is the one who suggested it, so she is fine with it.  Everyone is safe, and I will be here with you, for as long as you need me.”

“But why?” Ianto almost wailed, and his confusion made something squeeze in Jack’s chest.  “I don’t understand, Jack!”

Jack sighed.  They had warned him that as Ianto found his equilibrium, there would be moments of confusion.  When fully lucid, he knew why Jack was there and trusted it.  Reveled in it, even.  But as he processed and released the residual darkness, there were moments of forgetfulness, confusion, and despair.  There were moments where he could neither remember nor feel Jack’s love.  And in those moments, he could not feel their bond.

It hurt.  It hurt like hell, but Jack accepted it as no less than he deserved, for how he had treated Ianto.  This confusion was arising because of all the times Jack had pushed Ianto away.  All the times he had held Ianto at a distance.  All the times he had denied the depth of his own feelings, and in doing so made Ianto think he didn’t care, at all.

Owen’s cruel words calling Ianto Jack’s ‘part-time shag’ had haunted them a great deal during these moments.  But Jack clung to Bill’s and Susan’s assurances that it might take a few weeks, but once Ianto fully released these things, he would be free of many of the insecurities that had plagued him.  He and Jack would then be able to have a healthy relationship that did not require one of them to prop up the other.

Jack knew they would be stronger for having weathered this together, but it was a hard, painful process.  And he had a distinct sense that there were still insecurities that Ianto had not yet allowed him to see.  He wasn’t sure what was still lurking beneath the surface, but he had a feeling it was big.

He was proved right as his reassurances not only fell on deaf ears, but were rejected, outright.

“You don’t have to lie, Sir.  I’m on the mend, now.  You can go.  Go back to the team.  Go back to her.  She’s the one you really want.”  He seemed to grow more agitated, and Jack had trouble holding onto him as he sobbed, “Just go.  I know you don’t want to be here.”

“Ianto, what are you talking about?” Jack asked, though he had a pretty good idea what his lover was saying. 

“Gwen,” Ianto spat, calming enough to gather some small shred of dignity around himself.  “We all heard you, you know.”

“Heard…  Heard what?” Jack frowned.

“Once we put Hart in the conference room, Owen got Tosh to pull up the CCTV.  Thought it’d be fun to see Gwen have another go at you.  Got an earful, just not of what we were expecting.”

“Ianto…” Jack had been so raw that day.  He had been all over the place, and he could see where some of his reactions might have been misunderstood.

“What kept you fighting was the thought of coming home,” Ianto murmured, his shoulders slumped in defeat.  “To her.”

“To all of you,” Jack countered.  “I told you, I came back for all of you.”

“Yeah, that’s why you looked so gutted when you found out she was engaged,” Ianto muttered.

“Ianto, there’s a lot I haven’t told you, about when I was away.”

“I already know. Remember?”

“Yes, but there are things…  It wasn’t all televised.  And I was only just back.  It had only ended for me, a couple of days before, not a couple of months.”

Ianto went very still as he took that onboard, and then he looked up at Jack, that compassion in his eyes hurting the older man’s heart.  “I’m so sorry, Jack!  I didn’t realize...”

“It’s okay.  That’s not important, anyway.  Just…  For now, just know that I wasn’t entirely myself, that day.  I was still reeling.  Still hurting.”

“Would…” Ianto hesitated, and Jack realized that the tears that escaped meant that Ianto thought he already knew the answer to his question.  “Would you have asked me out, if you hadn’t found out Gwen was engaged?”

Jack felt as though a giant fist had just punched him in the chest.  Did Ianto think…  Oh gods, he did, didn’t he?  Ianto thought that he was Jack’s second choice.

“Ianto…”

“I know what you’re thinking.  If only Gwen were a witch.  If only she were the one to save you from your immortality.  If only she were the one you would get to spend thousands of years with.  But no, you’re saddled with me, instead.  Broken, fucked up, wet Neville sodding Longbottom!”

“NO!” Jack gave Ianto a shake in an attempt to get him to snap out of his rant.  Then he pulled the wizard close.  “Beautiful, brilliant, passionate Ianto!  You’re the one I want.  I know I’ve favored Gwen…”

Ianto’s snort of derision told him it was probably much worse than he thought.  He’d have to ask Toshiko…

“But that was because she was safe, don’t you see?”  He leaned away from Ianto and looked at him.  “I could flirt and have fun and enjoy her admiration, and I knew nothing would come of it because then I could tell her to go home to Rhys, and so there was no danger of becoming so attached that I’d be devastated, when she inevitably left me.”

He pulled Ianto close again.  “But you, my Love.  You were anything but safe.  So I ran from my feelings for you.  Tried to alienate you.  Put Gwen between us, so you wouldn’t know, so I wouldn’t have to admit…”

They were silent for a moment, and Jack hoped Ianto had heard him, though the younger man was still strangely stiff, in his arms.  And then, into the silence, a quiet confession.

“I killed her, you know.”

***