Harry had already been struggling with feeling worthless, but hearing the Horcrux scream all his insecurities and worries at him had made his mental health infinitely worse (which was quite an impressive feat, considering where it started). He already felt like a useless burden, and watching his parents tell him that directly to his face made that lie even easier to believe. He just wanted everything to be over, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could fight that feeling.
He went through the motions in front of his parents, eating just enough at meals so they wouldn’t give him a Nutrition Potion and dancing that fine line in therapy of being honest about his struggles so it didn’t seem like he was just faking being better, but not so honest that his parents would be extremely worried about him.
He was able to survive in this halfway state for about a week before everything came crashing down around him. It was around 2 in the morning, and he had just woken up from yet another nightmare. He had gotten into the habit of putting up a silencing charm before he tried to sleep, at least for the first few hours, so Moony Da and Dadfoot could get some rest. He would occasionally remove it after the first nightmare to keep his parents from getting too suspicious about the lack of nightmares.
This time, however, instead of taking down the charm and trying to go back to sleep, he just screamed as loud as he could. He waited a few moments to make sure his parents hadn’t somehow heard him, then threw the covers off and clambered out of bed. Everything was too much and he didn’t want to have to handle it anymore. He quickly stuffed his feet into his slippers and grabbed his wand before silently opening the door to his bedroom. He closed his door so if anyone got up in the middle of the night, it would seem like he was still in bed, then tiptoed across the living space, ears perked for any noise coming from his parents’ room. When he made it to the front door, he carefully slipped through it, closing the door gently behind him. He waited another moment to make sure nobody had heard him, then started sprinting through the halls. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going, just that it was away from his loving parents that should hate him for all he’s put them through.
Eventually, he found himself at the top of the Astronomy Tower. He went to sit in the corner by the window, sinking to the floor as his body was wracked with sobs. He pulled his wand out from his pocket and cast several cutting charms on his arm, each one a little deeper than the last. He was starting to feel a little dizzy, and a thought popped into his head.
What if I just let go?
The thought was scary yet strangely comforting, and it took everything in him to not crawl over to the window and just let himself fall. He tried to remember his reasons for living – Moony Da and Dadfoot had told him they would be devastated to lose him, but wouldn’t their lives be better without him?
He shook his head. What about his friends? Again, Ron and Hermione would be so much better off without the so-called Chosen One constantly threatening their lives. And Draco had only befriended him within the last year, surely he would be just fine without Harry bothering him anymore. He was just a nuisance anyways.
He knew he didn’t have much time left before he made a permanent decision, and Moony Da’s voice in his head urged him to reach out for help before it was too late. He couldn’t bother his family or friends, he just wanted an unbiased outsider’s opinion on whether or not he should bother to continue fighting. Before he could change his mind, he quickly used his wand to dial Hogwarts’ suicide hotline number.
Now, this magical organization was started by Remus Lupin, but was largely run by student volunteers these days. And one of those volunteers just happened to be Ron Weasley.
“Hello, thank you for calling the Hogwarts suicide hotline number. This is Ron, and I am here to help you however I can. Would you be able to tell me why you called tonight?”
Harry sat there frozen for a moment, shocked to recognize the voice coming out of his wand. The line was silent for a moment, then Ron spoke again. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
The question shook Harry out of his daze, and he quickly cancelled the call. Why did it have to be someone he knew?? Why did he have to have such caring and thoughtful friends? All he had wanted was to talk to a stranger about his problems, and instead his best friend had picked up the phone. He gripped his wand more tightly and cast a few more cutting charms on his arm. He leaned back against the wall, trying to focus on the pain in his arm instead of the thoughts in his head.
Meanwhile, Ron was sprinting to the Astronomy Tower as fast as his legs would carry him. Part of the magic of the suicide hotline was that it tracked the location of the caller so if there was an emergency and the volunteer suspected the caller was in any danger, they could go to the location and check on the caller. If the volunteer doesn’t check in after 10 minutes to confirm the caller’s safety, Healer Lupin is automatically contacted and given the location as well.
Ron had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, but tried to use that worry to push himself to run even faster. When he finally reached the Astronomy Tower, he opened the door and was immediately overcome with the scent of blood. He glanced around the room and his eyes eventually settled on Harry. He let out a soft gasp – although he knew that Harry was struggling with self harm, he had never seen it firsthand. Harry looked up at the noise, a vacant look in his eyes.
“Ron? What… why are you here? How are you here?” Harry asked quietly, trying to hide his bloody arm by cradling it against his stomach.
“I’ll always be here for you, Mate,” he answered. “But seriously, the suicide hotline knows the location of the caller so we can go check on them if we suspect anything, and you never answered. I was real worried, I sprinted all the way here.”
“Oh. But you didn’t even know it was me?” Harry asked.
“No, I didn’t,” Ron admitted. “But no matter who was on the other end of the line, they were feeling bad enough that they called the hotline and they were not in a safe place so yeah, I sprinted here. But enough about me. What’s going on that you didn’t feel like you could come to me? Or your dads, or Hermione, or even… Draco, though I still don’t understand why you’re friends with him.”
“I didn’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am,” Harry mumbled.
“Oh, Harry… you have never been a burden,” Ron said, his voice wavering slightly as he tried to hold back tears. He knew his friend had been struggling, but didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. How could he have let his best friend be in such immense pain?
Harry opened his mouth to protest, but Ron continued. “You are my best friend in the whole world – actually, scratch that, you’re more than my best friend, you’re my family. And not the kind you just put up with because they’re family. You’re the kind of family that’s worth living for, the kind that helps you to face each day with a smile, at least for a moment, no matter what else is happening. I don’t say it often enough, but I love you mate. I can’t imagine a world without you in it – that’s not a world I want to see.”
Harry glanced up at Ron’s face, noting the sincerity written on it. “Do… do you really mean that? You’re not just saying that because of well,” he gestured to their surroundings with both arms, forgetting why he had had one of them cradled to his chest, “all of this?”
Ron almost gasped in shock at the damage Harry had done to himself, but managed to keep a straight face. He knew he had to calm Harry down and give him some hope before he could address his arm. “I swear to you Harry, I mean every word. And I’m not the only one who feels this way – there are plenty of people who would be absolutely devastated to lose you.”
Harry scoffed. “Yeah, right. I don’t matter. People only care about me because they think I’m their only chance against Voldemort.” Ron winced at the sound of the name, but let Harry continue his rant. “And that’s some serious bullshit at this point. Me, defeat Voldemort? Ha, I can barely keep myself alive, not that I even want to.” Harry stopped, suddenly remembering who was talking to. “I’m… sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I didn’t mean to worry you, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
“You didn’t mean to say it to me, or it you didn’t mean to say it because it’s not true?” Ron prompted.
“The first one,” Harry mumbled, his eyes downcast again.
“Then mate, I’m glad it came out. I’m glad you told me. Even if you didn’t mean to, it is so brave to admit that. It’s the first step in asking for help because clearly, you are not fine. And I want to help you. You’re my best mate, my best family, and I want you to stay in my life,” Ron insisted.
“You promise?” Harry asked, his voice laced with the pain he was so desperately trying to hide.
“I promise. I would never lie to you Harry, you mean too much to me.” Harry started to sob, and launched himself out of the corner to hug Ron. Ron held him tightly while he cried for a few minutes before speaking again.
“You can always come to me Harry. You mean the world to me and I want to help you however I can. There are so many people who love you and want you to be here. Please keep fighting. You are not alone,” Ron promised.
“I…I’ll try my best,” Harry answered quietly.
“That’s all I ask for mate. Now, how about we fix up your arm?” Harry froze, having completely forgotten about the damage he had done earlier. “Remember, I’m not mad or disappointed, I just want to help you,” Ron added gently.
Harry reluctantly released his friend and held out his arm so Ron could investigate. Now that he had been reminded of it, he noticed his arm was throbbing and he felt more than a little dizzy.
Meanwhile, Ron had never confirmed the caller’s safety so Remus had just been woken up by an alert from his wand. He groggily reached over and turned on the bedside lamp so he could read the message that had been “printed” from it. All sleepiness left his body instantly when he realized there was a student in danger at the Astronomy Tower.
Sirius turned over to face his husband as he hopped out of bed. “Rem? What’s going on?”
“I just got an alert from the suicide hotline, I have to go,” he explained quickly.
“Do you know who it is?” Sirius questioned.
“Not yet, but I have a bad feeling about it Siri. I’m going to check in on Harry before I head out, okay?”
Sirius mumbled his agreement as Remus walked out of their bedroom and went to check on Harry’s bedroom. He carefully opened the door, but when he didn’t immediately see Harry he gave up trying to be quiet and flipped on the lights. “Sirius, he’s gone!!” Remus yelled immediately. This had Sirius popping out of bed almost as quickly as Remus had himself.
“I’ll get the map and find him, where are you going?”
“Astronomy Tower,” Remus said with a slight grimace.
“Okay, you go now, I’ll find Harry on the map and go get him. Maybe he just wanted a midnight snack. He could be okay, Rem,” Sirius said, trying to think logically.
“Hopefully,” he said unconvincingly. “Send me a Patronus when you find him, okay?”
“Deal,” Sirius said. Remus gave his husband a quick peck on the cheek before leaving their quarters at a run. He had just thrown open the door to the Astronomy Tower when Sirius’s Patronus reached him, relaying the message that Harry was in the tower just as Remus saw that for himself.
Harry and Ron turned to look at Remus as the door thudded shut behind him.
“Moony Da? How did you know I was here? Why aren’t you asleep?” Harry asked.
Ron looked sheepish now. “Sorry, I forgot to warn you, part of the magic of the suicide hotline is that if a volunteer goes to the caller’s location and doesn’t check in within 10 minutes, Healer Lupin is contacted and given the location as well.”
Harry’s anger flared again momentarily and he scootched back into the corner. “You knew he was coming?!?! And you didn’t stop him??”
“I…wasn’t sure I could handle this on my own. Besides, I thought you would want to see your dad,” Ron explained. “He can certainly help better than I can. Please, let us help you Harry.”
He felt his anger deflating at that. He was too tired to stay angry anyways.
“It looked like Ron was starting to treat your arm when I got here, can I please see Cub?” Remus asked. Harry once again reluctantly held out his arm, just as Dadfoot came barging into the room as well.
Harry tried to jerk back in surprise, but Remus had a firm grip on his arm. “Shhh, it’s okay Cub,” he soothed. Sirius stood frozen in the doorway, assessing the situation. Everything seemed to be under control now.
“Some of these are rather deep Love, can we go to the Hospital Wing and have Aunt Poppy take a look?” Remus asked. Harry violently shook his head no, not that Remus was surprised by this. “Okay, how about we go back to our quarters and get this sorted then, hmm?” Although he phrased it as a question, it was more of a statement and Harry knew that. He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment and shame, but he nodded. Remus got up first, then offered Harry a hand and helped pull him to his feet. He stumbled and nearly fell as all the blood rushed from his head and he became overwhelmingly dizzy. Remus of course noticed this and added, “And we’ll get you a blood replenisher potion or two as well.”
Ron cleared his throat and spoke up. “I know you have your parents now mate, but would you like me to stay with you?” Harry hesitated. He wanted his friend with him, but he was also nervous for Ron to see the damage he had done in clearer light, and he didn’t want to be a bother. “You are not a burden, and I wouldn’t offer to stay if I didn’t truly want to,” Ron added kindly.
Harry found himself nodding before he could stop himself, and that was how the four of them found themselves back in the Marauder’s Quarters gathered around the couch with a first aid kit.
“This will sting Cub, and then I’ll perform a slow healing charm and bandage everything up, okay?” Remus said, waiting for Harry’s consent. Harry nodded slightly, and Ron grabbed the hand of his inured arm to hold it still, and Sirius sat behind Harry on the couch, wrapped around him for comfort. Remus quickly applied the antiseptic and Harry winced.
“I know Cubby, I know, you’re being so brave though, and it’s almost over… there, all done,” Remus said, now pulling out his wand. He tapped it on Harry’s arm, and angry red lines became scabs. He then pulled the gauze from the first aid kit and began to carefully wrap it around Harry’s wounds. Once he taped the end of the gauze together, he stood up and went to the potion cabinet and pulled out two blood replenisher potions and a pain potion. “I want you to take these please Cub, it’s two blood replenisher potions and a pain potion. It’ll help you feel better.”
Harry didn’t really want to take the potions, but did as his dad asked anyways as he no longer had the energy to fight. While Remus was thankful his son had taken the potions, he could see that he was exhausted from it all.
“Why don’t we try to sleep Love,” Remus suggested.
Harry weakly tried to protest that he wasn’t tired, but he yawned instead.
“Harry, you’re clearly exhausted, why don’t you want to sleep?” Ron asked. When Harry didn’t respond immediately, he added knowingly, “Is it the nightmares?” Harry nodded.
“I thought they were getting better?” Sirius questioned.
Harry shook his head. “I’ve been putting up silencing charms so you wouldn’t know,” he admitted.
“Oh, Pup, I wish you had told us. We could have helped you, that’s what we’re here for,” Sirius said. “Well, no matter. Tonight you’re sleeping with us, and we’ll keep the nightmares away. Or at least be there for you when they come.”
Harry tried to protest again, but this time it was Remus who spoke. “We’ll give you a Dreamless Sleep for tonight, you clearly need the sleep and it’s been a while since you’ve had one. Come on cub, let us be there for you. Let us prove how much we care and love you.”
Harry sighed, but nodded. At least he wouldn’t be having any bad dreams tonight.
“Well, I should get going. Thank you for opening up to me Harry, I hope I can continue to help you through this,” Ron said as he got up from the couch.
“I’ll walk you back to the dorms,” Remus said, standing up as well.
“Harry and I will get ready for bed while you’re gone,” Sirius said, giving Remus a hug and kiss before reaching over to help Harry to his feet.
On the way back to the dorms, Ron explained everything that had happened in the Astronomy Tower to Remus. When he returned to his own quarters, he found Sirius and Harry in bed, Harry holding a vial of Dreamless Sleep. “Attaboy, drink up,” Remus said. “Tomorrow will be a new day.”
So Harry downed the bottle of Dreamless Sleep and curled up between the two best dads in the world. Things might not be easy right now, and maybe it would be a long time before they got better, but he had his friends and family there to support him through all the ups and the downs. Besides, things can’t get better if you aren’t there to see them. So please, keep fighting. You deserve to be here, and you deserve to be happy.