Chapter 1
He's restless once more.
It wasn't supposed to start all over again but it did.
He fought so hard against it, tried to ignore it but it was no use.
James is walking through the corridors, trying hard to find the way to the Astronomy tower through his blurred vision.
It was the middle of the night. He hadn't exactly checked the clock but if he had to guess he would've said it's around 2am.
He finally found the stairs to the tower and climbs them in a hurry.
Once at the top he let's himself slide down on the wall beside the railing, watching the stars as comfort.
What brought up to this moment?
A lot of things.
James supposes it started this morning. It was in the middle of class and James tried to focus on the lesson. Thought all of his efforts dissappeared into thin air.
He asked Remus numerous questions about what the Professor just said and what they were supposed to do, that Remus told him as nicely as possible 'I can't tell you everything, just focus on the lesson'.
But that was the issue. James couldn't. And he didn't mean he was too lazy or he didn't even want to in the first place but he really couldn't.
And it's not like he didn't try. He did try. Very very hard.
He tried reading the page in the book but all that happened was that he kept rereading the first sentence over and over again but still not knowing what it said. When he thought of it, his mind came out empty.
He also tried moving onto the rest of the page. But it was no use when the words basically blurred in front of him, suddenly making no sense anymore.
What didn't help either was the massive headache growing in his head. He tried taking off his glasses because they pushed down on his ears uncomfortably but when he looked forward his headache suddenly got worse. His eyes just weren't used to seeing the world blurry and crooked.
James' leg also wouldn't stop bouncing and it got more and more aggressive when he thought of it and tried to stop it. His hands were also not resting. They either fiddled with the quill he's writing with or they tugged on his shirt, maybe trail around the table, go through his hair or played with each other.
Unsurprisingly he also caught himself looking around the classroom, twisting and turning his head in attempt to find something interesting so he could stop his heavy eyes from closing.
Though as soon as he stepped out of the classroom, everything that happened seemed forgotten. He didn't tell his friends or tried making a big deal out of it cause really, it's not a big deal, right?
The next unfortunate event happened at lunch.
James has had a past of a few tiny problems with food. Nothing major. But that lunch Peter accidentally chocked on something he ate and coughed like crazy.
He obviously survived. Peter personally even though it was funny how he suddenly just started making these weird ass noises when he choked on his food. Everyone laughed, James had too. He absolutely hadn't felt like laughing at all.
While Peter was choking James had dropped his fork in shock and went suddenly really pale. Due to his skin being rather tanned it's not as noticeable but it didn't go under the radar either.
"James, it's fine mate, I just choked. You don't have to worry" Peter reassured his friend.
James had felt awful after that because he wasn't worried for his friend in the slightest.
In reality there is a little button in James' brain that if it's triggered through a certain event he looses his trust in food and his sense of swallowing.
James entitled it as stupid childish behavior to himself, cause his friends didn't know about those little triggers of him.
To explain it a little better, he thinks his doctor had called it ARFID. Which is an eating disorder that is not motivated by your body image.
James denied having a eating disorder when the word was first brought up, because he always ate when he was hungry, he didn't look out what he ate exactly because calories didn't matter and most importantly, he didn't have a problem with his body. So how could he possibly have an ED??
When his doctor explained that in the case of ARFID the patient avoids certain meals, products, textures, maybe even smells or not yet eaten foods because it triggers an uncomfortable sense inside them in which they get anxious if not scared or even terrified of eating it.
James had to hold back tears when his doctor told him, because that was exactly how he felt. He tried eating as normal as possible but when it came to certain food textures he got nervous, sweaty and even a bit nauseas to eat. When he ignored how much he hated a food and tried to eat it anyways his swallowing sense seemed to fail him. Because he did try to swallow but his entire throat suddenly closes up and he's unable to swallow.
He always gets scared when that happens. Because sometimes it even happens with his safe foods when he thinks too hard about the fact that he is eating.
Every time it happens he would jerk forward a little dropping his hand, ready to lay down the fork and there's this weird tingling sensation that courses through his entire body, making him a little dizzy.
He knows the cause. He's scared of choking or something getting stuck in his throat. That's why Peters little attack was such a huge trigger for him.
Before the incident he had gotten it mostly under control. He tried his best to keep himself distracted which made the others on the table really jittery. James felt bad for annoying them with being in constant movement or talking non stop even after requests to stop but he can't. As soon as he's left alone with his thoughts he can't eat anymore.
Needless to say that after lunch, James avoided eating anything.
The last thing or more like things that happened were minor but led up to the moment that got James up the Astronomy tower at 2 am.
They had gotten back their transfiguration tests and James was excited because it is his favorite subject after all.
It however turned into a nightmare when he didn't even score half the points. He was disappointed in himself for it. He felt stupid but kept smiling not to worry his friends. After leaving class he hurried into the bathroom, telling his friends to go without him and that he'll catch up in a bit.
When he arrived in the bathroom, locked the door and checked every stall the first thing he did was kick the wall. He was angry at himself for not doing good enough.
Then he checked his test again and saw all the grammatical errors he made.
He turned to kick the wall again, and again, and again. Over and over starting to yell 'stupid' with every loud thud against the wall.
When he stopped he slowly sunk to his knees, head resting against the cold wall, sobbing pathetically as he still whispered 'stupid' under his breath.
He just couldn't understand it. Why was he like that?
Later on that day, maybe around 5 he was ignored by his friends.
He knows they didn't do it on purpose. They didn't want to hurt him. They were just trying to have their own conversations without James being part of them.
He tried joining some conversations but either was cut off immediately or fully ignored in the first place.
He felt alone though the entire room was filled with people. His thoughts having the freedom to rush around his mind without being interrupted or silenced.
And James certainly didn't like that.
That's why he got up and started walking towards the forbidden forest mindlessly, thoughts rushing too fast to think.
He turned into Prongs as soon as he reached the border of the forest, intending to just run as he really needed a distraction. Just any distraction.
He couldn't go play Quidditch since Slytherin was practicing today. Just his luck, James thought.
When running through the forest he had already felt a lot better but he needed more rush more adrenaline so occasionally he turned back into a human while being mid air and turning into Prongs again before he hit the ground.
The more time he spent running the more daring he got and so he sometimes began to transform back mid run.
This caused him to collide with at least 5 different trees in 5 different ways.
But he didn't care, not when he fell and hit his head, not when he collided with a tree, not even when he twisted his ankle a little from his landing. He was laughing and had fun that was the point, wasn't it?
He still felt happy when he returned to the dorm, taking a quick shower.
The shower took longer than usual when James came to a halt upon seeing his reflection in the mirror.
He was covered in bruises. There was even one on his nose from when he hit the ground head first.
His entire body suddenly started to ache and he had trouble doing anything.
He eventually did get the shower done and went down the common room to go to dinner with his friends.
Beside James not eating dinner either, the rest of the day was event less.
Up until sleeping time of course.
All the other marauders had their curtains closed and were fast asleep. Sirius in Remus bed as always.
James was sitting on his bed, recounting everything that had happened today and held a quiet conversation with himself.
He couldn't sleep. Not that he even tried, he didn't try but he sort of just knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He felt it.
Then 2 am came around and James was suddenly feeling very weird in some sort, as if there was something wrong but he couldn't pin point what it was.
He had the sudden urge to move and he felt weird as tears started to form in his eyes without reason.
He had needed to get out of that room so desperately that he jumped out of bed and ran out the dorm, the common room and onto the empty halls.
He only knew one place he felt safe from everyone else.
The Astronomy Tower.
Which is where he is sitting at the moment, not knowing why he stormed off like that and trying to calm down enough to maybe fall asleep.
The entire day flashed through James once again when suddenly his train of thoughts came to a sudden halt.
He feels at peace and exhales a shaky breath, bringing up his hand to his chest trying to ease out his thumping heart.
To his surprise his heart actually does stop beating at a extreme rate.
James becomes suddenly very aware of how tired he is.
His eyes fall shut and he's ready to drift off.
Yet again life crosses his plans.
The feeling comes back. But this time much worse and now James is able to tell what he is feeling.
It's nausea. Heavy nausea.
He jerks up, his heart starting to race again, both his hands sweating and shaking violently. He was breathing uneven and rapid. The tears can't be held back anymore and fall out of his eyes.
In his panic he stand up and starts pacing back and forth in an attempt to calm his breathing.
He hated it with his entire heart how he felt. He is terrified and shaking, crying, so close to throwing up.
"Stop, please just make it stop", he was begging repeatedly, not even trying to whisper to himself.
It wasn't the first time this happened and it wasn't going to be the last time either.
James knew this will go on for at least a month. He went through it many times. Was he prepared for it? No. Will he tell someone? No. That his parents knew was a miracle. It only happened when his mother found him pacing around the hallway in the same state when he was just 7 years old.
It didn't matter enough to James to talk to someone about it. People have it way worse than him so he shouldn't complain.
All he knows for sure is that this was his little unproblematic problem.
And he doesn't have any intention of letting someone help him with it.