Chapter 5
Sirius. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius. That was all Remus’ dumb brain could think about. He could think of a million better things that would be better to worry about, like how he literally could kill someone if James’ ‘basement’ wasn’t protected enough or how he would have to be by himself with the moon, again, because James can’t tell his parents he’s an illegal Animagus. But all he could think of was the fact he was seeing Sirius again.
He didn’t know what was worse. Him seeing Sirius again, or Remus feeling like he needed to see him okay. To feel him close to him, to tell him how much he hated him and to tell him how much he needed him, how much he loved him.
He hated the fact that Sirius had that control over him. How he could hurt him that much and still make Remus feel like Sirius deserved to be loved.
Euphemia could probably feel how tense he was, “Are you nervous, sweetheart? It’s not that bad as everyone says it is.” They were standing in front of an old shoe in an abandoned ally, Remus didn’t tell her how he had already used a portkey a few times before, so he tried to send a smile her way instead. “It will be over in a few seconds.” Okay, his smile probably didn’t work then.
Preparing himself, he looked over at James, who had insisted to take his luggage, to see his usually tanned skin now a bit pale. He sent a smile his way, this time more genuine, and took a deep breath.
He really hated portkeys.
-
Remus had never been to the Potter’s house before, he had heard stories sure, but he was honestly surprised how big it actually was. He tried to focus on the house instead of the dizzying feeling the portkey had left behind.
“You okay darling?”
“No, I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I was talking to Remus, James.”
He turned around slowly to see Euphemia searching for any signs of him being ill. “I’m okay, thank you.” He replied quietly. She smiled and Remus felt his cheeks heat up a little at the attention. He took his luggage out of James’ hand and patted his back.
“I think she already likes you more, Rem.” She smashed his head which was followed by an ‘Mum!’.
“Please make yourself at home Remus.” Euphemia said, ignoring her son, as they were walking towards the house.
Remus hesitated a bit, James noticed, “I told him to stay in my room for today. You don’t have to worry about that right now.” He said, reassuring him. Remus tried not to let his disappointment show.
The house was even bigger inside. “We made your room ready, oh, and you get the nice view!” James babbled on. Remus felt small but muttered shyly a ‘thank you’ every now and then.
James took his luggage, again, and showed him his room. “You can stay here a bit if you just want to rest. Just make yourself at home.” He nodded and James left him by himself after pulling him into another quick hug. He sat on the bed, just looking into a wall, rethinking his life.
He thought about how his life would have been if his mother never died, and if he never got bit, would his dad still have left him? Would he even be the same person if he hadn't gotten bitten? Would his friends like him better if he wasn’t so angry or irritated or if he didn’t have so many walls around him? Would he like himself? He hates himself in this universe, but usually he blames most of it on the fact he’s a werewolf. Like would he think he wasn’t ugly if he didn’t have all the scars, would people be less intimidated? Less afraid? Would he still be this angry? Oh, and Sirius. Would they still be friends in another universe? A universe where he wasn’t a dangerous creature, so he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about his deepest secret?
The answer only depressed him.
-
It was a bad moon.
The smell of blood was overbearing, which wasn’t unusual but usually Sirius, or James these last months, would do little work on him so he didn’t bleed to death. Now that they weren’t there, the pain became overbearing. He wanted to scream but he was too weak. He wished for the door to open and reveal Euphemia who would come and put him back together, and yet he didn’t. He felt like he deserved this. Deserved the pain.
He saw his life pass by. He saw his parents; his friends and he saw Sirius. Then he saw the light and he closed his eyes.